Monday, July 07, 2008

Race-ism

Back to the Tour de France for a minute...

Kansas City's modern day Hemingway, Midtown Miscreant, commented previously that pro cycling "...just seems like nascar on bikes to me."

Well, my friends, nothing could be further from the truth (well, okay, calling Obama the "candidate of change" might be a little further from the truth, but I don't want to get all political right now).

I don't blame MM for his misconceptions. Your average barbecue-eatin', gas guzzlin' midwesterner probably knows more about Britney Spears that the Brittany region of France.

So let me take a few moments to clarify how the Tour de France is totally unlike NASCAR racing...
  • In NASCAR, machines do all the work. In cycling, drugs do all the work.

  • In a typical NASCAR race weekend, cars use 6,000 gallons of gas. In a typical Tour de France, the support caravan (team cars, team buses, race officials, ambulances, etc.) uses 6,000 gallons of gas.

  • In cycling, riders maneuver left and right at high rate of speed down treacherous mountain switchbacks. In NASCAR, drivers turn left.

  • If I miss coverage of a NASCAR race, I don't get upset. If I miss coverage of the Tour de France, I get upset. And when I get upset, people die.

  • In NASCAR, drivers take pit stops. In cycling, riders strap on a feed bag.

  • The Tour de France rolls through picturesque medieval villages and French countryside. NASCAR blasts through places like Atlanta.

  • In NASCAR, speed is measured in miles per hour. In cycling, it's kilometers per hour. So, yeah, totally different.

  • In NASCAR, the announcers have a hickish sounding accent. In cycling, the announcers have a refined and sophisticated sounding accent.

  • In NASCAR, the race winner gets to burn rubber on the track. In cycling, the race winner gets to French kiss those two cute Crédit Lyonnais chicks.

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4 comments:

  1. I always liked Brittany. Lots to see there. In fact, I understand that archeological scholars have announced that they have finally EXPOSED BRITTANY SPEARS near BREST!!

    Photo

    Sorry.

    Cheers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You left out the sperm cell shaped bike helmut, and the plum smuggler shorts . I like the Hemmingway reference, although I detected a bit of smarminess in the comment. Thats what happens when you watch the french too much. Now if they ever have a bike race and nascar race on the same track at the same time, Im in.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Whoa, no smarminess intended. I just always picture you with the kind of colorful, adventurous past the Hemingway is known for.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You forgot to mention how the sponsor stickers on the cars are much bigger than on the people.

    Sticker size - its all that really matters.

    ReplyDelete

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