Overheard in the OP

This morning I was reminded that when you hear only a portion of a conversation, the phrase "tire tubes" can sound comically similar to "tie her tubes" (no homophone).

tagged: language, homophone, Overland Park

haiku

staycation over
back to work today, monday
please pass the coffee

RSS reader
has 800 messages
click "mark all as read"

tagged: work, coffee, staycation, Monday, haiku

The Evil Prints

As some of you may be aware, I've been working for several years on an evil plan to take over the world.

If you're not aware of that now, don't worry, you soon will become painfully aware when I unleash my… oh, well, there will be time for that later (mwahahahhah, cough, er…). Anyway, I digress.

Typically I try to keep my evil secret plans, well, secret. Like the time I was able to insert a certain one of my minions into the head position of the ALL POWERFUL Kansas City Missouri Parks Board (and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky kids and that dog!)

But again I digress.

What I was going to say is that I had a HUGELY Evil victory at the office this morning, and uncharacteristically I wanted to share it with you so that you can bask with me in my supreme evilness.

It all started as I sat at my Evil computer monitor studying some Evil spreadsheets and Evil quarterly plans. There were a few documents that I need to evilly send to the shared printer that all of the cube dwellers on my floor share.

So, with an evil, maniacal laugh which surely would have sent shivers of fear down the spines of my unwitting cube neighbors had any of the slackers bothered to show up on time for work, I hit the print button (with much evilness).

I gave the computers and printers a minute or two to crunch through my evil print job. I then headed over to the printer to pick up the documents as they came out, lest anyone find them and discover my nefarious plot.

When I arrived at the printer, I discovered that some unfortunate soul had incurred my wrath by leaving their print job unattended. It had created a printer error and backed up the entire print queue for about an hour and a half.

My evil documents were all at the end of the long queue, which wasn't even moving because of the printer error created by user THX1138.

Now, you lame do-gooders would have tried to help out poor, pathetic THX1138. You would have tried to find the 11x17 paper that he foolishly tried to print his documents on and placed it in Paper Tray 3 and pressed “C” to continue the print job as the error message suggested.

But that’s not how we Evil geniuses roll.

Instead, I did something completely Evil. I pressed the “Cancel” button, consigning THX1183’s print job to the depths of oblivion, never to be seen again.

MHWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA.

But I wasn't finished yet. Only now will the entire population of office workers (who were trying to print documents to that printer) see the true power of by Evilocity!

Because next I went through the backed up print queue and found my print jobs and PROMOTED THEM to a higher priority than all of the jobs in front of me!

So my Evil documents came out before the documents of the sucky saps who sat by and did nothing about the printer error!

And behold! My Evil documents were printed and I went back to my Evil cube to continue my Evil day’s work so I could get back to my evening hobby of TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!

MHWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. AHHHHHAAHAHAHAA! HAAHAHHAAAAHAaaaaa.... (ouch, it hurts my throat when I laugh like that too much).

tagged: office, evil, printer, THX1138, Nazgul, Office Space, Sauron

Lost Tales of 3AM, Part III: Found

TO: Whom it may concern
FROM: emawkc
DATE: 04.11.08
RE: Your glasses

This note is to let you know that I found your Anne Klein prescription eyeglasses in the lobby yesterday.

They must have fallen out of your purse or computer bag, because they were sitting on the floor, right by the door. I nearly stepped on them, which would have sucked for you for obvious reasons.

I’m currently putting together a “FOUND” sign to tape up by the door. I’ll use an extra large block-type font (probably something like Arial Black at about 160 picas since I know (judging by the soda-bottle thickness of the lenses) that you’ll be nearly blind for the next few days. I hope you either a) have a backup pair of prescription glasses/contacts, or b) have someone who can driver your blind ass around for a couple of days because, DAYUM!!!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I found them and have them in my cube. You can stop by and pick them up anytime. Just make sure you bring a venti latte with an extra shot of espresso for my troubles.

tagged: lost, glasses, Anne Klein, venti, latte, espresso, Arial

Lost Tales of 3AM, Part II: Phone Home

The Midwest Express Boeing 717 was on its way down the tarmac, lining up for takeoff. I had already placed my stewardess in her original upright and locked position, and my carry-on luggage was safely placed under the seat in front of me.

As we lifted off out of KCI (MCI for those pilots out there), I went through the process of turning off and stowing all my portable electronic devices. That's when it hit me: I still need to turn off my phone. But where is my phone? Not in my shirt pocket. Not in my pants pocket. Not in any of the pockets of my coat.

Panic sets it. I left it at the boarding gate at the airport. Crap. I specifically remember using it to check messaging just before the final boarding call came. I must have set it down on the seat next to me while I packed up my Toshiba Tecra POS craptop that I'd been using for some last-minute emailing/porn surfing.

I flag down the flight attendant to see if there’s any chance of getting a message back to the gate. Unfortunately, we’re in the air and “out of range” so I’ll just have to wait until we land in New York.

So I’ve got two and a half hours to fret about my phone.

Now, you have to understand that I have a kick-ass phone. It’s wafer thin but still has a 2MB camera and enough processor power to allow me to watch TV, get Gmail, Google calendar and read all your blogs while waiting in line at the Korean massage parlor.

But still, what worries me most is the loss of all of the data and contacts I’ve collected over the past six years. If I have to get a new phone, it would be a pain in the ass to input the numbers to all of my business contacts, family, friends and lawyer/bondsman/bookie.

---

My first stop when I get to La Guardia is at Midwest gate. I explain the situation to the gate agent who looks at me like I just asked him to donate a kidney. With a great deal of effort, he somehow manages to pick up the phone and dial the Midwest gate in KC.

With a great deal of additional effort, he explains my situation to the party on the other end of the phone and then sets about the task of waiting on hold. I could tell by his increasingly labored breathing that he was having a difficult time staying on hold, and he finally hands me the receiver, allowing me to take over.

After a minute or two a voice answers from KC.

“I’m sorry but I haven’t been able to reach the gate agent that was working when you left. Can you give me a number to call in case your phone turns up?”

Defeated, I give her my Supermodel Wife’s cell phone number. At this point I know that I’ll probably never see the phone again.

---

I arrive at my hotel on Times Square. From my room I dial up the SMW to let her know that she might get a call from Midwest.

“Hey,” she says when she answers. “I just got a call from Midwest saying that they have your phone.”When I finish my happy dance, I ask my SMW to get me the number for my business associate, Angelina Jolie, who is scheduled to join me in NYC for a conference the next day.

“Hey Angelina Jolie, it’s Emawkc…”

“Hey Emawkc! Guess what… I have your phone!”
It turns out that while I was reading about Harry Potter’s wand (ewe) in SkyMall, one of my NYC business associates, Brad Pitt, had called my phone. The Midwest gate agent had answered and told Brad Pitt that my phone had been left at the gate mere minutes earlier.

This news set off an avalanche of email within my company which eventually ended in the in-box of Angelina Jolie, who was at KCI early enough to stop by the Lost And Found desk near baggage claim and pick up my phone for me.

So after all of the fretting, phone calling and emailing, all that was left for me to do was head up to the hotel lounge and sip Glenlivet while watching the activity on Times Square and waiting for my phone to arrive a few hours later.

I love it when things work out.

tagged: travel, Midwest Express, New York, mobile phone, Glenlivet, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, lost and found

Working with pigs

I can only conclude that the men who work on my floor are pigs.

Or at least one of them is. He's probably from some hicktight suburb on the Missouri side. You know, one of those guys who has those cartoons on his pickem' up truck of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo, or a Ford logo, or Hillary Clinton or whatever.

You know, the kind of guy who, at 35 years old still thinks its cool to stick a pinch of chaw between your cheek and gum.

It just floors me that here I am working in a professional environment with ostensibly educated people but there are still some of those evolutionarily challenged proto-apes who have managed to squeal, wiggle and squeeze their way up through the cracks in the HR screening processes.

What led me to this realization? Well as with most great epiphanies, it happened in the bathroom. I stepped up to the stall to "pay the water bill," and as I looked down to "point Percy at the porcelain" I saw that someone had tried to spit a huge loogie into the urinal.

Unfortunately he missed, and the sick stack of sputum stuck to the top of the urinal. Cringing, I immediately looked up to assume the eyes forward position so I wouldn't have to see the funky wad of phlegm.

That's when I saw, staring back at me, several petrified snot rockets that some uncouth cretin decided the rest of us evolved human beings just had to see. Evidently this guy had nothing better to do than "mine for gold" and "pick a winner" while he was "shaking hands with the vicar." Makes me retch.

I think the I-70 rest stop outside of Topeka is a more pleasant experience.

tagged: work, gross, bathroom, pig, loogie, snot rocket

Lost Tales of 3AM, Part I: The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

I've never been one to give too much credence to dreams.

I never really thought there was any kind of deep message in them, never assumed that there was some kind of meaning that we were supposed to find to improve our lives. Whenever I see attempts at "interpreting" dreams, I usually just roll my eyes at the pseudo-psycho mumbo jumbo.

To me, dreams are just your brain's way of dealing with a daily buildup of semi-toxic chemicals and flushing out unused and unneeded stimulus while you were asleep -- sort of a biological Norton's Disk Tools for your noggin.

Then I had the strangest experience a few nights ago.

I had a dream where I was on a business trip with a colleague (can't remember who, but if you're reading this, it wasn't you). We were in some small town in the South. It seems like it was in Virginia or North Carolina or something (probably Greenville or Charlottsville or some other 'ville).

Anyway, so we were at the airport of this small town and we saw on our flight itinerary that we were to change flights in Chicago on our way back to KC. The first leg of the journey from Nowheresville to Chicago went off with no problems. Then when we went to board the flight from Chicago to KC, I realized that somewhere in the air I had lost my wallet.

I had no money, no credit cards and worst of all, no picture ID. Even though I had a ticket, the airline wouldn't let me board the flight home without a picture ID. I was stranded in a Chicago airport with no money and no way to prove who I was.

Then a lot of other strange shit happened that didn't make any sense at all (what's the deal with all those naked women throwing pickles at me? Hmmm.)

But the weird part was when I woke up the next morning, I got ready for work and realized that I didn't have my ID badge/key card for my job. As I searched frantically I realized that I had left it on my desk the previous day.

So I guess it's possible that my subconscious was trying to tell me that I had left my key card at work. If that's the case then thanks for nothing, Subconscious. What the hell am I supposed to do about it in the middle of the night?

Note to Subconscious: Next time remind me about my key card BEFORE I leave the office.

tagged: subconscious, dream, lost, key, travel

Opportunity knocks

People sometimes forget that adversity is often accompanied by opportunity. You know, every cloud has a silver lining and all that rot?

I was driving around OP last week when I saw this sign.









It made me wonder what "Plan B" is? I know Tony has his ideas.

tagged: economy, Kansas, Overland Park, layoff, opportunity, Plan B

Monday Monday

Holy CRAP I was busy today. I mean BIZ-ZAY!!!

I was busier than a one-legged man in a keester kickin' contest. Busier than a five-dollar whore on nickel night. I was busier than Tony's mom on basement cleaning day.

I had a lot on my plate, is what I'm saying.

I got tagged in than handwriting meme thing, so maybe I'll do that later. Right now, I'm just gonna get my kid to bed, pour myself a Scotch, and chillax for a while.

tagged: work, busy, life

It's the little things

There are so many non-stories out there this week that it's making me feel anti-inspired. I mean, I care so little about these things that it makes me not want to post anything.

For instance, everybody's posing about the Francis Semler resignation. Getting Semler off (ewe!) of the all-powerful KCMO parks board is a huge victory for the racist west side Latino lobby. I'm glad they didn't waste all of their effort on unimportant issues like healthcare or education. But everyone has already said so much about it that I can barely summon the little interest I had a few months ago.

Then there's the untimely death of megastar actor Heath Ledger. My RSS reader lit up last night with bloggers bemoaning the loss of such a fine talent to what looks like a drug overdose. A tragic loss, we now will have to get by without seeing any of his future so-so movies (I was so looking forward to Brokeback Submarine).

My apathy to these stories is palpable. It's enough to suck the inspiration right out of you.

Then out of the blue, as I was getting my morning coffee in the break room today, something wonderful happened.

A coworker dropped a few coins in the Coca-Cola machine to buy her daily Diet Coke. The can dropped through the internal workings of the vending machine, and when it hit the dispensing bin it exploded like a syrupy, carbonated hand grenade.

The resulting mess of curse words and sticky cloths gave me just the schadenfreude I needed to get me out of my rut and back into the groove.

Thank science for the little things.

tagged: Kansas City, Francis Semler, apathy, Heath Ledger, diet coke, inspiration, schadenfreude

That's not my banana!

I'm crazy with conference calls all morning, so I'm focused on taking notes, looking at PowerPoint presentations and contributing as little as possible to the call.

Finally during a break between calls, I try to do a little tidying up around my cube. That's when I notice that there was a banana peel in my trashcan.


Only, I hadn't eaten a banana all morning! In fact, I was so busy with conference call meetings that I had only left my cube for a few minutest to get the requisite cup of coffee after starting up my pc.

My superior powers of deduction have led me to conclude that some socially defective cube drone was eating their breakfast while passing my cube and, instead of disposing of the refuse properly, they decided to dump it in my own private trash can.

So now I have to deal with the smell of rotting banana peel all afternoon? I don't think so, Sunshine. I don't know about you, but that's not the way we roll in my little plot of the cube farm.

I deftly exchanged my trash can with the offending peel for a trashcan from a cube a few aisles away. I think it was an unoccupied cube. But if you work in cube 1B963, well, er, sorry 'bout that.

tagged: corporate, office, trash, banana, cube

Hookah brotha up

NCTRNLinKC recently posted about his (her?) first experience with the hookah, saying he went along for the ride but, like a recent former president, didn't inhale.

It's a pretty cool post, and I mention it because I recently smoked the hookah during an after hours with some business associates during my recent trip to Manhattan. It was the first time since my college days.

I wanted to tell Nctrnl that you didn't miss much. Tobacco, even the black licorice-flavored kind that we had the other night, never really did much for me either.

Now, if it would have been a little of the "holy herb" it might have been a different story.

But then again, it was a business trip.

tagged: hookah, manhattan, tobacco, holy herb, marijuana, pop culture