Playing ketchup

One of the things that's kind of disheartening about the recent economic bump in the road we're all trying to get through is how cavalier people are about throwing around such astronomically huge numbers.

A billion dollars here, a billion dollars there. Pretty soon, your actually talking about real money.

In fact the government so far has committed $11.6 trillion in financial support to failing businesses (banks, auto companies, insurers, mortgage brokers).

Now, $11.6 trillion doesn't really sound like a lot when you say it like that. I mean, sure it sounds large, but c'mon a 't' is much smaller than an 'm' or a "b" -- right? And besides "trillion" has kind of a pretty sound to it. Kind of like a bird singing.

When you write it out numerically, it has a little more impact: $11,600,000,000,000. Whooo! Look at all those zeros!

But I don't think even writing out all of those zeros gives a really good picture of just how much $11.6 trillion is.

To get a better picture of just how large of a number 11.6 trillion is, I like to convert it into a unit that is a little more familiar to regular working class Joes like me. That's right, I like to think of it in terms of tomatoes.

Your typical household garden variety tomato is about 10 centimeters in diameter. So line up 10 of these sweet, juicy bundles of tastiness, and you're looking at 100 centimeters worth of tomatoes. That's one meter for those of you who are products of the Kansas City Missouri school system.

At 100 tomatoes to the meter, you need 10,000 tomatoes to make a kilometer. This is nice to know, because now you can compare the number of tomatoes in various distances. For example, the distance from my house to the Boulevard Brewing Co. tasting room is about 16.25 kilometers. That's a distance of 165,500 tomatoes.

Of course, 165,500 is infinitesimally small compared to 11.6 trillion. So let's think a little larger. The great state of Kansas is 340 kilometers wide. So line up 3,400,000 (3.4 million) tomatoes side by side and you'll get from KC to Hayes and then some. But it's still only a fraction of the 11.6 trillion.

The United States is about 2,600 miles (from New York to San Francisco). That works out to roughly 4,184 kilometers. So you'll need 41,840,000 tomatoes to get from sea to shining sea. But $41.8 million doesn't even cover the mortgage on Bernie Madoff's second house.

Gotta go larger. Gotta think globally.

So, the circumference of the Earth at the equator is about 40,080 kilometers. Converted to tomatoes, that's 400,800,000. So if you had 401 million tomatoes, you could line them up all the way around the world. That's a pretty big number, but you'll note we haven't even reached a billion yet, let alone a trillion.

Earth to the moon is roughly 363,300 kilometers (at perigee). That works out to 3,633,000,000 tomatoes. So if we line up 3.6 billion tomatoes side by side you'll have a row of veggies stretching to the moon. That's a lot of marinara, but we've still got four decimal places to go before we reach the kind of numbers the bailout architects are talking about.

Going out a little farther, the mean distance from Earth to the Sun is 149,300,000 kilometers -- 1,493,000,000,000 tomatoes. Now we're getting some idea of just how large a number like 11.6 trillion is. Consider this, if you had 11.6 trillion tomatoes, you could line up tomatoes side to side and this resulting line of tomatoes would reach from the Earth to the Sun.

In fact, you would have enough tomatoes to make SEVEN lines of tomatoes from the Earth to the Sun. And you would still have millions of tomatoes left over!

So yeah, 11.6 trillion? That, my friends, is a lot of tomatoes.



tagged: bailout, billion, trillion, million, tomatoes, Giada De Laurentiis, Boulevard Brewing Co.

YouTube Tuesday: My Two Fans

With a few exceptions, many of the most creative video ideas these days are showing up online, not on the air (which seems to be too crowded with fake-reality show knockoffs to allow for any truly original ideas).

Anyway I stumbled onto this newish web series the other day which, in the tradition of God Inc. and others, shows that there are still original and fresh ideas out there. Here's what creator Lauren Iungerich writers on the YouTube channel...

In the brutal world of dating and mating, every single woman needs a fan. Kate Maxwell just happens to have two.

My Two Fans is a new web series from creator, director Lauren Iungerich. The show was inspired after Lauren got "facebooked" by a fan of play she wrote called LOVE ON THE LINE for a charity event during the 2007/8 Writer's Guild strike. After meeting and befriending her fan, Jonathon Roessler, Lauren thought about how all average, single people need fans. And thus the idea for the series was born. My Two Fans is a 16 episode partially- improvised series. All 16 episodes were shot in a span of 4 days.

The series is a bit chick-focused, but it's got pretty good production value for a web series and it's way more entertaining than anything Gray's Anatomy has to offer.



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, My Two Fans, Lauren Iungerich, Gray's Anatomy

The Big Takeover

The other day I read Matt Taibbi's The Big Takeover at Rolling Stone's website.

It is simultaneously one of the most interesting and most scarifying articles I've read on the current state of the economy.

As complex as all the finances are, the politics aren't hard to follow. By creating an urgent crisis that can only be solved by those fluent in a language too complex for ordinary people to understand, the Wall Street crowd has turned the vast majority of Americans into non-participants in their own political future. There is a reason it used to be a crime in the Confederate states to teach a slave to read: Literacy is power. In the age of the CDS and CDO, most of us are financial illiterates. By making an already too-complex economy even more complex, Wall Street has used the crisis to effect a historic, revolutionary change in our political system — transforming a democracy into a two-tiered state, one with plugged-in financial bureaucrats above and clueless customers below.

If you are feeling too optimistic, too upbeat about the current state of affairs, this article is a good antidote. It's something to read while our society self-destructs.

tagged: economy, Rolling Stone, Matt Taibbi, economy, recession, AIG, bailout

Guacamole

This public service message goes out to Chimpotle, who is known to combine foods in very disturbing ways.

.

tagged: food, guacamole, cake

Expanding vocabulary

The first year of kindergarten is in its home stretch, and I must say it's been a resounding success.

Our kid has made great progress, both academically and socially. It's all that you could hope for as a parent doing this for the first time. Last night, my kid read a story to me before bedtime.

We've always tried to encourage our daughter to be inquisitive, to ask questions and be interested in learning new things.

That's not to say that there haven't been a few surprises along the way, like the time she wanted to dissect a dead snake, for example.

Another such surprise came a few days ago.

I'd just picked up the kiddo from school. She was in the backseat buckled in to her booster and we were going over the highlights of the day.

Then she came at me with this gem:

kiddo: Dad, there's something I wanted to ask you.

me: Okay. What is it.

kiddo: "Is 'ass' a bad word?"

me: Uhh...

me: Um. Well, yeah. It's kind of a bad word.

kiddo: Oh. Okay.

me: Most of the time it's not a nice thing to say. Your mom would probably get mad is she heard you say it.

kiddo: Okay.

me: you should probably look for ways to say what you want to say without using that word?

kiddo: Okay. I haven't said it. I heard someone at school say it, so I just wanted to know if it was bad.

And... scene.

Just a gentle reminder that the teachers aren't the only people teaching our kids at school.

tagged: family, vocabulary, education, kids, parenting

YouTube Tuesday: Mona Greasa

Every once in a while I like to class up the joint a little with a nod to the fine arts. And I can think of no finer work of art than this homage to the famous Mona Lisa.



tagged: art, Mona Lisa, hamburger, grease, YouTube, video

Fed up

It keeps getting more real.

This headline that came across my RSS reader the other day hit home in a couple of ways:

Feds seize two big KC area financial institutions

Federal regulators seized two large Kansas City area financial institutions Friday to protect depositors’ accounts.

U.S. Central Credit Union, a $34 billion institution based in Lenexa, was placed into a federally controlled conservatorship.

Separately, TeamBank was seized and its branches, including five in the Kansas City area, will reopen today as part of Great Southern Bank, which has a branch in Lee’s Summit.

I have a lot of friends who have lost their jobs during this economy. More than I can count on all my fingers and toes (that's more than 24).

But this is the first instance that I know of where the Federal government is taking over area banks. So until this article, most of the upheaval in the banking sector was all happening in New York and Washington, and maybe North Carolina.

But now it's happen in KC. In our neck of the woods. Hell, there's a TeamBank location just down the street from my house. Correction, there WAS a TeamBank location there.

And just to make it a touch more personal, I have a relatively close family member who was a mid-level executive at TeamBank.

I haven't learned yet whether he's keeping his job or not. The article notes that the branches are opening under a new name this week. One would think that it would be difficult to fire everyone and still open all the branches the following week.

So good luck to you out there. Whether you're looking for a new job or your just trying to keep the one you have. Here's hoping this recession ends soon.

tagged: economy, Kansas City, Federal, economy, recession, unemployment, jobs

First 60 days

What a relief. I'm glad to see everything going so well for our new president.

Not even 70 days into his first term yet and already he's got such a great handle on the national debt, foreign policy, unemployment, health care, tax policy and the internecine quarreling of congress that he has plenty of free time to do all of the fun stuff that POTUS's get to do.

Things like posting on his blog, updating his Twitter feed, choosing a new pet dog, filling out presidential NCAA Tournament Brackets and, hanging out with his good friends in Hollywood.

I don't know about you, but last night's appearance by Obama on Jay Leno's Tonight Show gave me a renewed faith that Pres.O. has everything under control.

Some may say he's just pandering to populist outrage, appearing with comedians and actors on late night TV to diss AIG for paying a couple hundred million in bonuses.

I say it's better to get this outrage out of the way now before the Obama administration gives AIG another $30 billion in a couple of weeks.

Besides, Pres. O. doesn't really have anything better to do.



tagged: Obama, Leno, President, politics, AIG, populist, economy

Top Ten Thursday: Gangster Movies

With the tough economic times getting tougher, and the potential for low-down dirty greed and graft growing, I figure it's a good time to come out with my list of Top Ten Gangster Movies.

After all, they say the economy in New York is so bad that the Mafia had to lay off 50 judges.

Anyway, I'm sure I don't have to explain the category. The name pretty much speaks for itself. But as always this kind of thing is highly subjective. So if you disagree with my final list, say so in the comments. I might actually change the line up if you make me an offer I can't refuse.

Top Ten Favorite Gangster Movies

10) Scarface:
Aside from Al Pacino's ridiculous accent, remains one of the only Oliver Stone movies I really like. Full of irredeemable characters and brutal violence, it's a parable of how drugs and corruption will lead only to the firing of fully automatic machine guns in your Miami mansion.

9) Carlito's Way:
Pacino plays a much more likable character in Carlito Brigante, who is trying desperately to go straight. The opening and closing shots are particularly memorable as Pacino gets another great death scene.

8) Snatch:
The elaborate plot punctuated by quick cut editing made this film a real treat. Guy Ritchie might have questionable taste in women, but he can spin a right good yarn. It's worth watching if for no other reason than to learn this valuable lesson: Never trust an Irish gypsy.
7) Reservoir Dogs:
A tremendous cast delivers great dialog in Tarrantino's freshman effort. The nonlinear story telling packs enough humor to balance the brutal violence, and the dialog makes the characters seem real and even sympathetic at times.

6) The Usual Suspects:
One of my all time favorites films of any genre (despite the presence of Stephen Baldwin). The complex plot was executed (so to speak) so well with great writing, directing and acting that the view is pulled in to the story rather than lost. Again, compelling dialog makes the viewer sympathetic to the characters, and it has probably the best surprise twist endings in cinema history.

5) The Departed:
Another great cast in a film with an excellent story. I appreciate Scorsese going all the way to the end on this movie. Staying true to the title, all of the principal characters reap the ultimate wages of a duplicitous mob life. My only gripe was the overly obvious metaphor at the end as a rat scrambles across the balcony ledge.

4) On The Waterfront:
Probably the original gangster film staring Marlon Brando at his best as a has-been boxer Terry Malloy who decides to stand up to the corrupt, mob-controlled labor union. This has one of the best scenes of Brando's career when, as Malloy, the tells his brother that he "coulda been a contender."



3) Goodfellas:
Another brilliant work by Scorsese with another amazing cast. We watch as Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) climbs the ranks of New York's underworld, only to be done in by the double dealing of friends and his own self-destructive tendencies. One of my favorite scenes was the single shot of Hill introducing the denizens of the Copacabana club.

1) The Godfather & The Godfather: Part II
We've got a two-way tie for first place in the category, and it should be no surprise it's the first two installments of The Godfather Trilogy (it should also be no surprise that the third installment didn't make the list at all). It's the epic story of how Michael Corleone gets pulled in to run the family business and then slowly becomes consumed by it, losing everything he struggles so hard to hold on to in the process. This is the apotheosis of the genre, with strong writing, amazing photography and some of the best actors of the generation with Brando, Pacino, De Niro, Robert Duvall, James Caan, Diane Keaton and others.

tagged: Top Ten, list, gangster, movies, The Godfather, Goodfellas, On The Waterfront, The Departed, Reservoir Dogs, The Usual Suspects, Snatch, Carlito's Way, Scarface

Awkward Pie: The long walk

When you work in an office like mine, there's plenty of opportunity for awkward situations when you venture outside the three and a half walls of you cube.

Here's one that comes up often. In the building where I work, there's a corridor running long and straight (yeah, yeah, The D. I know. "That's what she said.") between blocks of cubes (or, as I call them, cell blocks).

Anyway, several times a week I'm faced with the situation of seeing a coworker coming down the corridor toward me. Maybe I'm on my way to the break room, or heading to a meeting room or whatever. But I'm walking one way and the coworker, who is probably someone I only marginally like it I even know their name, is walking toward me.

No remember, this is a very long corridor. Maybe fifty yards or even longer. So depending on where we both entered the corridor, we could be walking toward each other for a very long time.

That's where the awkwardness enters the equation. At some point, I like to at lease acknowledge the other person (whom I probably don't like, but I'm a nice guy, see), usually with a fake-friendly wave or a head nod. If they get close enough, I'll offer a polite "Good day, sir."

The problem is, if I wave too soon I've got another 30-seconds or more of walking toward the person. It's an awkward window of time because it's too short to strike up a superficial conversation, but it's too long to just stare at each other as you approach.

Anyway, I've come up with a couple of strategies for dealing with this phenomenon.

If it's in the morning and I'm just arriving, I usually have my computer bag in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. With my hands thus occupied, I don't have to wave. Then to fill the awkward window, I usually take a drink of coffee, pretend it's too hot and blow the cup to cool it off. Do that a couple of times until my coworker either turns out of the aisle or we pass each other.

But my preferred method is to use my cell phone as a prop. I have one of those so-called smart phones, so when I see someone open the corridor I can pick it up and pretend to be busy checking my email and text messages.

Depending on how long I'll be walking toward the oncoming person, I can also fake-check my voice mail messages. Usually I throw in a frustrated head shake, like someone just left a message with a really unreasonable request that is going waste a lot of my time today, you know, just to be convincing.

Then when I get up even with the oncoming coworker I can give one of those "What're you gonna do?" shoulder shrugs.

What do you guys do in this situation?

tagged: office, cubicle, awkward, corridor