We have a complete dossier on you…

"It’s just a game," a friend posted on Facebook recently.

A rather sophisticated augmented reality game where you use your mobile phone to capture “Pokemon” in a mix of real and virtual worlds. But still, just a game.

"That's it. No, there really isn't anything more to it than that."

But of course there is more to it than that. I mean, it is a game, but it’s a game that regular people like you and me can’t win.

The real point of such games (as well as the "My Vocabulary Size Is.. " and "My Celebrity Lookalike Is.. " and "If I were a Star Trek Character I Would Be..."  Facebook games that you see every week), is for big data companies to find a way to get people to voluntary sign up for software that allows them to collect tons of data about them personally.

They then sell this data to the highest bidder (usually companies associated with digital advertising) and productize you and other people who behave like you and sell you to advertisers.

A lot of people don't care that they are being packaged and sold, it's been going on to some degree almost since the beginning of advertising. The difference these days is that the data collected is waaaaaay more sophisticated than the advertiser suspecting your between 18-45 years old and you really like Jackie Gleason’s brand of misogynistic bombast.

These days, when you opt in to this kind of data collection, you’re telling them precisely where you are (down to the latitude and longitude coordinates) and when. You’re letting them in on which websites you're browsing, what products you're shopping for, what physical malady you happen to be suffering at the time.

The level of insight that can be drawn from this kind of data, the predictions that can be made about your preferences and behavior, would make Miss Cleo soak her pants.

You might have noticed that over there in the right-hand rail of your Facebook page there’s an ad for that pair of shoes, or shorts, or maybe that vacation getaway that you were Googling earlier today. That’s no coincidence. The advertisers have you pegged.

Again, some people don’t care about that. MOST people don't care about that. Indeed, some people say “Good. I get ads for stuff I’m interested in instead of some dumb punch-the-monkey spam for a high-rate mortgage.”

And that’s cool. That’s all just fine. Buuuuuut…

I just think we should all have our eyes open to OTHER ways the data could be used. I mean, some companies (like Niantic in the case of Pokemon Go) say they won’t sell your data to third parties. I mean they promise and pinkie swear and everything. But let’s face it, when the going gets tough and the investors are at the front door with pitchforks demanding their exit strategies and returns-on-investment, who do you think is going to get sold out?

That’s right it’s you, me and all of our precious behavioral data. And even more troubling, who do you think we’re going to be sold too?

The paranoid among us would say “the NSA… or even scarier, some nefarious foreign spy agency!” But the reality is government agencies don’t need to buy data about you since they already have a direct tap into ALL internet traffic and are already constantly spying on you (thanks for the heads-up, Edward Snowden!).


Anyway, if you think government agents snooping through your Google accounts and sharing your naked selfies with each other is the worst that can happen, then my friend you suffer from a lack of imagination.

Here are a couple of more likely (and probably already happening) scenarios:

First, it’s probably difficult to overstate the amount of lifestyle data that gets collected about you, especially if you use a FitBit or similar activity tracker. From your physical activity, to your food interests, to your drinking habits, to how much TV/internet video you watch… all of that is being collected and packaged and is super valuable to companies that aren’t advertising firms.

For one thing, insurance companies (auto, health) love to learn all they can about you. Do you think they won’t use your own data against you to jack up your premiums and copays? Of course they will. And since Obamacare now means we’re all criminals if we DON’T buy health insurance, well, they pretty much have us by the short curlies, don’t they?

But there are other more nefarious abuses that are (probably) already happening. Imagine what kind of web browsing/lifestyle data is available on pretty much every old whit guy making laws in Washington, DC. Do you really think it’s beyond a company like Koch Industries, or Goldman Sachs or even Google or Apple to use this kind of personal data as “leverage” on key legislative measures?

Do you really think it was out of the pure consideration for the public good that nobody from Goldman Sachs was prosecuted for ruining the global economy a couple of years ago? Do you really think all of the highly technologically literate old white dudes thought the Digital Millennium Copyright Act was good public policy?

No? Me neither (and your staring to get it, good job!) After all, our senators and congressmen are only poor corrupt public officials. They have kickbacks to pay and mistresses to feed.

So, what’s the upshot here? I guess it’s just to say that whenever an app or program or web widget asks for access to your Facebook page, or Google account or Twitter stream, you should tell it to fuck right the hell off.

Or make up a fake internet identity and spam the system.

YouTube Tuesday: It all began with a god named Thor

Today's edition of YouTube Tuesday celebrates the good news that will send hipsters hopping all to way to Merriam in a couple of years.

Sure, every major city in the world already has an IKEA store, but how many metros are there that have an IKEA AND a Nebraska Furniture Mart? It's all part of my plan to make KC the furniture capital of the world!

The lyrics are even better...

tagged: Kansas City, Merriam, IKEA, Jonathan Coulton, YouTube Tuesday, video, music

Getting rich

Let's say, just hypothetically, that you wanted to be rich.

I'm talkin' Bill Gates rich. Rich enough that you don't merely write your own ticket, you write your own ticket to fly on the airplane that you own. You know what I mean? So rich that you don't just have lawyers on your payroll, you have judges on your payroll.

Well if you wanted to get rich (hypothetically), you'd probably focus on creating a product or service that everybody needs and then selling it to them. Things like indicator plastic wrap, or tick repellent pills, or cargo dress slacks.

Necessity is the mother of invention. Right? So You'd develop these ideas for useful items then sell them on QVC or find someone to buy the idea from you. Right? That's what you'd probably do.

But you'd be wrong.

The best way to get rich is to come up with a way to take cheap useless crap, rebrand it and market it to elementary-age kids. It's the American way.

Need and example? Of course you do.

Those of you with elementary-age kids are no doubt familiar with these:

I'm referring of course to the rubber-bandy looking things, not the Moleskin notebook or the earbuds (which I threw in to give you a sense of scale).

These little rubber bands are known among the social circles my 7-year-old runs in as Googly Bands.

They are the latest rage sweeping the grade school set. That's right, the kids are crazy about them. They're more than just cheap jewelry. They come in all different shapes and colors. Animals, toys, modes of transportation, clothing. Some are tie-dyed, rainbow colored and others glow in the dark. The kids, boys and girls alike, collect and trade them the way I used to collect and trade baseball cards.

Only here's the thing, there's absolutely no value to these things. Well, maybe there's some minute value. I mean, I'm not an expert on rubber production (but I play one on the Internet), but according to one of my many inside sources, there's about one twelfth of a cent of material and labor involved in producing one of these things. They are sold 12 to a pack, so a pack cost exactly one penny to produce.

I recently took my kid to a large discount retailer (which I won't name since they don't advertise on this site, but I think you can guess which one it was) because she just had to spend her hard-earned chore money on some of these useless trinkets. We found them on sale for a dollar a pack, which you math wizards can see works out to almost a 100% profit, or something (what do I know about business? Who am I, Donald Trump?).

So yeah, all you have to do to get rich is come up with a product that costs almost nothing to produce, and sell it for a minimum 100% profit. It's just that easy. Pretty soon you're be up to your eyeballs in party jets.

tagged: rich, kids, fad, Googly Bands, rubber, scheme

Springtime for Goldman

A bloggy friend recently twitted me that I have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with Goldman Sachs.

And honestly, I don't have much of a defense. I do think Goldman Sachs is one of the groups most responsible for the global financial meltdown of the last two years. They've got their greedy little fingers in pretty much every nefarious deal that has been brought to light.

Goldman Sachs employees or former employees are in positions of power in multiple governments (just ask the Greeks how well that works out). They masterfully pulled strings to get bajillions of dollars in government bailouts for themselves and their sweetheart business partners (courtesy of what every Obama apologist I meet tells me is a lower tax burden for myself). The result of that bailout? How about a second quarter of record profits

Goldman Sachs said today its first-quarter earnings almost doubled to $3.3 billion as its trading business again surpassed the rest of the financial industry. … It was Goldman's second most profitable quarter since going public in 1999. In the fourth quarter, Goldman Sachs earned a record $4.79 billion.

So yeah, I don't think I'm alone when I took a little delight in seeing that Goldman Sachs was the target of a civil fraud lawsuit from the SEC (although I do wonder what took the SEC so long. Must have taken longer than they thought to bury the worst evidence connecting Goldman to the Obama administration… but that's a different post.)

There's a lot of financial industry jargon and legalese involved in the complaint by the SEC. NPR's Planet Money does a great job of explaining it, but I'm going to try to make it even simpler.

It basically breaks down like this:

1. A hedge fund scumbag named John Paulson wanted to make a huge bet against the ability of suckas to pay their NINJA mortgages, hoping to make a ton of money when the real estate bubble (that Goldman helped create) burst and people started losing their homes. To do this he needed a kind of bond that would be composed of high risk mortgages that were sure to fail soon.
   
   
2. Goldman stepped in and said their buddies at ACA Management, a kind of wholesale company in the bond business, would be happy to build this bond (or else!) and then Goldman Sachs would sell it for them.
   
   
3. So Paulson and ACA got together, picked out a shit-ton of absolute crap mortgages and built the bond, also called a CDO (collateralized debt obligation). The mortgages in the bond were carefully selected so that Paulson and Goldman Sachs could be sure the CDO would fail.
   
   
4. Paulson then bought a bunch of insurance on the CDO that would pay him off big when the CDO eventually when tits up.
   
   
5. In the meantime, Goldman sold the CDO to institutional investors like banks, pension funds and orphanages. Note, they raked in a lot of cabbage in commissions from these deals.
   
   
6. When the housing market collapsed, the CDO failed just like it was designed to, and Paulson and Goldman Sachs made a fuckwad of money from their insurance bets (their short positions).

This scheme may sound vaguely familiar, especially to you Broadway and/or Mel Brooks fans. It's basically the same thing Max Bialystock was trying to do in The Producers, except Goldman Sachs succeeded in failing.



So, the SEC says Goldman Sachs and Paulson defrauded investors by saying that the CDO was built to succeed when in fact they themselves had engineered it to fail.

Of course, it also looks like they engineered a patsy in this whole scheme as well. They've bought a witness to say that he told ACA that Paulson's hedge fun planned to bet against the CDO, thus putting the responsibility on ACA to disclose how crappy of an investment it would be.

So apparently Goldman will get away with defrauding investors and the public. But that's okay, at least the Obama administration can claim that they tried.

tagged: SEC, lawsuit, Goldman Sachs, CDO, The Producers, Max Bialystock, John Paulson

De-pressing

One of the interesting... not necessarily good, but interesting... things about the time we live in is watching the changes in what us old-timers used to call journalism.
I'm sure you're aware (you being of above average intelligence according to the data I get about you from Quantcast) the newspaper industry as we know it is in it's final death throes. Saint Nick is keeping us abreast as the bells toll for the Kansas City Star's parent company and even that of The Pitch.

As an old newspaper man, I have mixed feelings. Its easy to wax romantic about my previous career in journalism -- late nights in the newsroom, the panic and thrill of pushing a story right up to a deadline, the smell of and feel of wet ink on fresh newsprint as you examine the first pages hot off the press¹. I've got some great stories from my newspaper days. Stories involving poisonous snakes, dismembered fingers, bloody hand prints, bullets lodged in brains -- most of which never made it into print.

So in some ways, it's sad for me to watch what's happening to the newspaper industry.

But it's not surprising. A lot of us saw this coming years ago. I opted out of the newspaper biz about 13 years ago. Decided working late nights and weekends for little pay wasn't conducive to family goals I had. I went into an editorial position at an Internet company because I could see even then that printed paper as a medium was a losing proposition.

That's not to say that the gathering and disseminating of information is a losing proposition, only that the "traditional" print media haven't been able yet to develop the business agility needed to find a new and relevant business model.

Sure, they are trying to convert their old business practices to work in a digital venue -- notably the Press+ system that is currently in beta². Unfortunately, in my view, there are a few problems with this effort.

First, it's nearly a literal translation of the failing offline subscriber model to online. Yes, many organizations have shown that micropayments can be a significant money maker (Amazon and iTunes). But Press+ seems to ignores the fact that money from subscriptions never was the primary revenue source for most publications. It's difficult to see how people will be willing to pay more through online micropayments than they would be through traditional subscriptions.

It also ignores the fact that once information is released "into the wild" it will be pretty much impossible to collect micropayments on it. Just like people who subscribe to dead tree publications like to pass on what they "read in the paper" or even leave the paper at a barbershop or coffee shop for others to read, online micropayment subscribers will want to pass on what they've read. Copy-and-paste makes it all the easier.

Now, lest I be branded a pessimist, I still think there is a way that advertisers can continue to support journalism-- at least for the larger news organizations. In my opinion, the plan being considered by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp and Microsoft is heading in the right direction.

Essentially, Microsoft pays a fee to the news organization (Wall Street Journal) for exclusive access to the product of their newsroom. Stories from WSJ (and presumably any other NewsCorp organization) don't show up in the Google search results. So NewsCorp gets paid for the content, Bing gets a competitive advantage and the end user pays nothing for the content.

In theory Google would follow suit, bidding for the content of other news organizations -- or maybe even for NewsCorp content. One could even see the news organizations selling "clicks" to content the same way the search engines sell keyword ads. Content creators could "flip the script" on Google resulting in the search engines bidding for their content.

This is the kind of paradigm³ shift required for "journalism" to move forward as a money-making prospect.

---

1. Note: Presses are no longer hot. In fact, the moist ink is a bit cool to the touch when the pages first come off the press.
2. Hat tip to Nick.
3. Off topic: The other day my 7-year-old daughter asked me what a "paradigm" was. I told her it was twenty cents.

---

tagged: newspaper, journalism, advertising, press+, Murdoch, NewsCorp, Microsoft, Bing

Reconoitering the 'hood

It's been about a month since I checked in with my neighborhood reconnaissance team.

I usually like to get a report every two to three weeks, so I was long overdue (an operative like myself needs to stay informed). So my primary assignment for Saturday was to stop by the intelligence HQ and get a debriefing on activities observed in the community.

Also, I got my hair cut while I was at it.

Anyway, the biggest news in the neighborhood is that local Irish pub O'Neill's is relocating from Prairie Village, across Mission Road, into Leawood. Rumor was that the owners of O'Neill's had been upset with Leawood city bureaucrats due to the difficulty of obtaining a liquor license for the new location. According to my sources, this rumor is just that. A rumor. Good thing too, because what's an Irish pub without a liquor license?

My agents also scoped out the exact location of the new O'Neill's. It's next door to Foo's (FTW!), in the spot at the end of the strip on the northeast corner of 95th and Mission. The storefront was previously occupied by kids' clothing store Chocolate Soup (RIP).

Judging from the reconnaissance photos, though, there's still a lot of work to do before the September opening.

The move is necessitated of course because Walgreens bought the building that O'Neill's and a couple of other businesses currently occupy. Prior Attire, a consignment clothing store, is moving west to 95th and Nall where it will compete with a new store opened by large consignment chain Savers.

The Mission Animal Hospital will move around the corner to the space formerly occupied by a Blockbuster video store (RIP and good riddance). Luckily, this is right next door to our local Planet Sub, so you can grab some snackage while your having your pet spayed or neutered.

As for the Walgreens, well no news yet on them. They are obviously moving into the neighborhood to compete with the CVS, which just opened it's new building across the street in the newly remodeled Ranch Mart shopping center.

The new CVS is an order of magnitude nicer than the old store, which was severely showing its age. I was in there the other day to pick up some allergy meds for the ladies in my life. The store layout, organization and atmosphere are all much improved.But one thing that caught my eye as I was leaving the (newly repaved) parking lot was this pergola-like structure under construction in the back. It looks really interesting, like it would make a nice outdoor park or drinkin' bar. Not sure what it will be though. I'll have to assign one of my agents to look into it.

tagged: Johnson County, Leawood, Prairie Village, business, Ranch Mart, O'Neill's, Foo's, CVS

Anti social media

A bunch of crotchety old geezers have been kvetching about the invasion of marketing into social media platforms and how if it doesn't stop it's going to ruin the the entire online world.

Here are a few examples:

If one is using Twitter, they are “tweeting” not “twittering.” By the way, if you use Twitter to promote your product to me, you are an ASSHOLE.

They see all of this free and open communication occurring. And, being Marketing Fucktards, their first thought is "How can we piggyback on this shit and manipulate it, without people knowing we are manipulating it, and use it to sell our useless crap to people...

On the other hand, these social media promotional tactics are too close to shilling for my taste. Shills were shunned when the Internet was still a collection of crazy-blinking mile-long one-page framed sites of horrible colors, and they haven’t gained in popularity since. That doesn’t stop them from trying.

Essentially, these social Luddites are saying you're a sucker if you take advantage of your social network to get free stuff. I'm not really sure how that makes sense, then again I'm not a demented old fart suffering from dementia.

They also seem to be suffering under the misconception that these forums for social interaction are free. And I guess in a certain, very limited perspective this is true. After all, the end user doesn't pay a purchase price or subscription fee.

Unfortunately, this is the same perspective that concludes that Skittles are made from unicorn poop.

Here in the real world, there is no such thing as free. Somebody always pays a price for something. You know that time you posted on Twitter about how you just ate lunch at the Who Gives a Shit Cafe? Well, someone had to pay for the servers, bandwidth, application development, etc. that made it possible for you to keep everyone updated on the excruciating minutia of your day to day life.

Look, I hate to fail your whale here but in the real world when consumers want content but they don't want to pay for it, it's usually the advertiser that picks up the bill. That's true for all media -- radio, television, some magazines and newspapers -- and yes, even the Internet.

Social Media websites are no different from any other website -- a vast number of which are supported by advertising. In fact, if you don't like advertising and marketing, you might want to stay away from all moderately popular websites/applications/TV shows/radio programs/podcasts/concert venues/etc. Because here's another news flash for you, marketers like to go where the largest audience is, where they can more efficiently spend their increasingly shrinking advertising budgets.

So Twitter and Facebook, with their combined 114 babillion users, are prime marketing opportunities for advertisers.

Like it or not, there will be advertising. Marketers want it that way because they're interested in getting their messages to the audience. The users want it that way because (despite the ill-conceived objections quoted above) they want the "free" content.

And you know what, Twitter and Facebook and other sites/services also want it that way. They want the money. Believe it or not they aren't doing this for the sole benefit of the whiners who hate advertising.

tagged: social media, Twitter, Facebook, advertising, marketing, Internet

Metro GOOB Watch: Limited

Intrepid reader Kansas Sity Sinic correctly pointed out that Harold's isn't the only lower-upper-middle class clothier calling it quits in Leawood.

The Limited store is also closing it's Town Center Plaza location

Women's clothing stores seem to be taking a particular beating around the metro area, as NBC Action News recently reported that The Limited Too was closing in The Big Ass Mall of Olathe and on The Country Club Plaza (evidently, the closing of women's clothing stores constitutes "action news" in this town).

So all you ladies (and Chris Packham) have a great opportunity to expand your wardrobes.

Related:
Metro GOOB Watch: Rainforest Cafe
Metro GOOB Watch: Harold's

tagged: economy, business, Johnson County, Kansas, The Limited, Leawood

Blockbuster FAIL

So let me set the stage here.

The kid's at her grandmother's house. My Supermodel Wife and I have returned home early on a Saturday with a chance for date night to celebrate her 29th birthday. On the agenda: dinner out and movies in.

We decide to hit the neighborhood Blockbuster Video store to pick up a couple of flicks to watch after dinner. A glance at the local movie listings revealed there was nothing we both wanted to see, so a quick stop at Blockbuster seemed like a good move.

Only it turns out that there's no such thing as a quick stop at Blockbuster.

After learning they didn't have the film we wanted (Burn After Reading, have you seen it?) and about 10 minutes or so of browsing the titles, we make our way up to the counter to check out.

At this time I'll mention that the store is nearly deserted except for us, two other couples and two clerks.

I'll also mention that it's been about three years since we've rented videos. What with cable TV, DVRs and in-laws who buy DVDs like its an investment strategy, we just haven't had the occasion to rent.

Unfortunately for us, this meant that our membership in the exclusive Blockbuster customer club had lapsed.

Zoolander, the clerk who was "helping" us (not his actual name, but it was something equally as droll and movie-related) handed me a pen and a lengthy application form to fill out.

Meanwhile, other customers went ahead of us in line. It took me about 5 minutes to complete the questionnaire, using as much fake information as possible (do they really need to know my blood type? Really???).

So anyway, by the time I finish the application, Zoolander is busy with another customer. Seems this customer wanted to do something totally crazy like buy one of the previously viewed DVDs that Blockbuster sells. This insane request taxed Zoolander's mental capacity and that of his esteemed co-clerk to the point that they spent the next 15 minutes scratching their heads, poking the computer keyboard and calling the absent manager for help.

At length, Zoolander turned his attention back to our application for membership in the highly exclusive Blockbuster Video customer club. Unfortunately, he was breaking new professional ground in taking such an application. I was honored to be the first member he ever accepted, but frustrated that it took another 15 minutes to enter all of the information into the super secret Blockbuster Video world domination super computer database.

Finally, with our most personal information safely if not accurately entered, Zoolander fake-laminated our temporary membership cards with packing tape.

We paid for our three rentals and headed out to our car where an evening snowfall had deposited about an inch of snow in the 40 minutes we had been in the store.

Given this terrible experience, I'm not really surprised that Netflix is kicking Blockbuster's ass.

In fact, as rarely as we rent movies and despite my distaste for McDonald's, that Red Box thing is looking like a good option.

Has anyone ever used it? Cause I can't afford to lose more time in the Blockbuster's black hole of the soul.

tagged: Blockbuster Video, movie, Zoolander, Netflix, customer service, Red Box

Metro GOOB Watch: Harold's

Leawood has an "upscale" reputation in the metro area, so it's a bit surprising to see it being hit with so many Going Out Of Businesses.

But that sentiment didn't stop a "day laborer" from taking a job holding a sign at 115th and Nall the other day announcing great deals at the Harold's Going Out Of Business sale.

The closing of the Harold's store illustrates that in the current (bad) economy is affecting even affluent places like Leawood's Town Center Plaza.

To be fair the writing was on the wall for the regional retailer of ladies fashions. It was having trouble throughout it's Midwest territory, and the chain filed for bankruptcy at its Oklahoma headquarters back in November.

Turns out the 60-year-old business couldn't keep up with the failing economy.

"Increased competition and a weak economy have left us no choice but to cease operations," stated Ronald S. Staffieri, Chief Executive Officer of Harold's Stores, Inc. "We'd like to thank our loyal customers for their many years of patronage by offering incredible values on merchandise in all stores. As always, our knowledgeable Associates will provide our customers with the same high level of service."

Related: Metro GOOB Watch: Rainforest Cafe

tagged: economy, business, Johnson County, Kansas, Harold's, Leawood

Metro GOOB Watch: Rainforest Café

The closing of restaurants and stores isn't really all that uncommon, even in the best economic times.

But lately, I seem to be noticing more Going Out Of Business signs than usual, and they are cropping up in places around the metro that you wouldn't normally think of as economically challenged.

But, as the economy continues to slouch toward depression, it has become apparent that there aren't any places that you can't think of as economically challenged.

So today we introduce a new feature, the Metro G.0.O.B. Watch (G.O.O.B. = Going Out Of Business, get it? Clever no?)

Our first honoree is the popular dining establishment Rainforest Café. Formerly located in Oak Park Mall, the metro area's Taj Mahal of capitalism, the pseudo-environmentalist jungle-themed restaurant abruptly closed its doors and moved out this week.

On Tuesday, a group of mall workers cleared the eatery of its Rainforest décor like a bunch of Brazilian cattle ranchers.

I can't really say I'm sad to see it go. My 6-year-old daughter loved the place, but the food was palatable at best. But it does go to show that despite large crowds on weekends, midweek traffic wasn't enough to keep the green coming in.


tagged: economy, business, Johnson County, Kansas, restaurant, Rainforest Cafe, environmentalist

Go Elf Yourself!

Just in time for the holidays, OfficeMax is teaming up with those knuckleheads at JibJab to sponsor the ElfYourself viral campaign.

And it's obviously working, since they got me to post this ridonkulous video ecard.

Still, with cameos from such local bloggy luminaries as Shane, Chimpotle, Xavier Onassis and The D, I think the entertainment value is worth the two minutes it takes to watch. However, it's definitely NOT as cool as last year's Handbell Hero viral staring Pensive Girl.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

tagged: Holidays, Christmas, JibJab, OfficeMax, viral, marketing, video

White noise

So I head to my favorite, well, head at the office to, as the Facebookers these days would say, download a brownload.

Anyway, I open the door to the john and immediately hear the familiar sound of a urinal flushing. But entering the room, I find it empty. Nobody zipping their fly, washing their hands. Nothing.

It seems the urinal I heard is stuck on permaflush, a condition caused when the automatic flushing mechanism malfunctions making the water flow continuously like a waterfall.

I was annoyed at first to see such a waste. Why can't the building maintenance people fix the damn thing so I don't have to put up with all the noise while I'm dropping the kids off at the pool.

The noise was annoying for the first minute while I chose my stall and settled in. Then, I began to appreciate the relaxing effect of the falling water. Take away the florescent lighting and the synthetic smell of sanitizing air freshener, and I could almost imagine myself on the beach listening to the waves crash upon the shore.

Plus the sound was loud enough that it mitigated the need for the otherwise obligatory camo cough.

So while I still object to the waste of water, I gotta say I've changed my tune on the "audio" issue. I'm thinking about bringing in one of those sound-machine alarm clocks to provide background music the next time I take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

tagged: bathroom, flush, toilet, urinal, environmentalist

Prohibition is good for business

Okay, we've got our next big business idea ready to go.

Those of you who read about the big local blogger meetup last night probably think it was just an occasion for drinking booze and eating boob (cake).

And while the boob cake was tasty (so delicious and moist), and the Boulevard Wheat never tasted better, I did have the ulterior motive of discussing our next business venture with XO and Keith (thus also allowing me to write the evening's outlays off as a tax deductible business expense, but I digress).

The core of our new business idea is the realization that when Kansas City voters approved a ban on smoking in public venues, we all saw that as a super-restrictive overstep of government authority.

"What about our personal rights? What about the freakin' constitution," we all said.

What we failed to realize, until recently, is that just as in the days of alcohol prohibition, tobacco prohibition has left a hole in the market place that is burning to be filled.

So here's our idea: We rent a space, probably a bar that has had to close because smokers can't smoke there anymore. We reopen it as a "private club" and sell memberships for , I don't know, $40 bucks a year?

We cut a deal with big tobacco, maybe Phillip Morris or RJ Reynolds, to supply the cancer sticks at a cut rate.

We then sell them above retail at our club, and since we won't allow tobacco products to be brought into the club (city ordinance, probably), we have 100% market share.

We haven't landed on a name for the place yet, but my nomination is "Smokin' Hotties." I figure we can have bikini-clad waitresses with cigarette lighters in their bikini tops (you know, flip a switch and a flame comes out of the nipular area).

But let me know if you have a better name. If we use a name you submitted, I can probably get you a free membership.

tagged: Kansas City, smoking ban, business, cigarette, Phillip Morris, RJ Reynolds, prohibition

Great news for the ladies

St. Louis-based battery company Energizer plans to buy Playtex for $1.9 billion.

So all the ladies can look forward to feminine hygiene products that keep going and going...

tagged: news, business, Energizer, Playtex, headlines, women, humor

Holey Mission

The hole where the Mission Center Mall used to be continues to get bigger and bigger.

In just a few short weeks, destruction crews have taken out two thirds of the Mall at the corner of Roe Avenue, Johnson Drive and Shawnee-Mission Parkway.

I estimate the whole thing will be gone in another two weeks and the end of an era will come to Mission. Not that that's a bad thing.

Anyway, here's what the mall looked like a month ago. As you can see from the series of pictures below, the entire center section that formerly included the atrium and fountains is now gonesville.

I think it's a little humorous that crews put the "Mission" sign outside the big dig. Not sure if it was meant as a joke, but there seems to be some irony there.

Here are the pics.












tagged: Kansas, Mission, mall, development, destruction, Roeland Park, Fairway

Dillard's clearance

After a few weeks of clearing away the debris from the parking garage, destruction crews started taking down Mission Center Mall in earnest today.

We should see pretty rapid progress now, and commuters along Shawnee Mission Parkway will have some pretty dramatic views.

The picture above is from the Johnson Drive side of what was formerly the Dillard's store on the west end of the mall.

For those of you who haven't been keeping track, the mall is being demolished to make room for the new East Gateway development which will feature a high-rise condo building, another high-rise hotel and plenty of street-level retail.

Here's a tighter shot.


tagged: Roeland Park, Kansas, City Council, Mission, mall, development, architecture, Dillard's

Deconstructing Mission

Demolition crews have finally started tearing down the Mission Center Mall, just a few blocks from my house.

The mall has sat vacant and closed for a few months, though it was mostly empty for a year and a half or so. Here are a few shots of the deconstruction.




I'll post more pics as the deconstruction becomes more dramatic. City officials say it will take about four months to completely remove the mall, leaving a gaping hole at the intersection of Johnson Drive, Shawnee Mission Parkway and Roe Boulevard.

In its place will be The Gateway, a mixed-use development with 1.3 million square feet of residential, retail, office, entertainment and hotel space. You can read more about The Gateway on the developer's flashy new website.

I previously posted several pics of the architectural renderings of the planned development. Even though it won't be done for a couple of years, and we probably will have moved on by then, this will be a great improvement to the Roeland Park/Mission/Fairway area.

Imagine, all this great redevelopment and no pothole epidemic. Are you taking notes KCMO?

tagged: Roeland Park, Kansas, Mission, mall, development, architecture, demolition

Google a clue

I saw this on my Google homepage the other day and thought it was a pretty interesting way to promote the new Da Vinci Code movie (as if it needs more promotion).

The idea is a sort of cyber-scavenger hunt, where Google leads you to an online puzzle, you solve it, then you get access to a website that gives you a clue to get you to the next puzzle.

I've done the first few puzzles, which gave me a chance to use my cipherin' skills. But they really aren't that difficult. And it occurs to me that it makes sense to dumb down the puzzles if you're trying to get as many people as possible to participate. Especially stooopid people like me.

Anyway, just thought I'd pass along this chance to win fabulous prizes and waste loads of time online.

Update: Of course Steve at MicroPersuasion already posted this. Evidently it will only be live for a couple of weeks.

Update 2: If you're having trouble, this guy is blogging hints and answers for each of the puzzles. So far, I've completed the first 11. Like I said, colossal time waster.

tagged: Google, Da Vinci Code, scavenger hunt, contest, puzzle, marketing, promotion