Hey, there's risk in everything

So yeah, like I said yesterday I taught my kid to make coffee for me in the morning. No big whoop, right?

Well, I received this email today from Phillips, makers of the Senseo single-serve coffee machine I use.

Dear Valued Customer:

SENSEO® COFFEE MAKER

Philips has identified a safety problem which affects a number of Senseo® coffee makers produced between July 2006 & November 2008. Philips is committed to the well-being of its consumers and has decided to voluntarily recall the affected Senseo® machines and offer a replacement unit.

Affected units can be identified by model type, manufacturing location and production date. Please refer to the information below. Only units that meet the criteria in all categories are under recall:

Models: HD7810, HD7811, HD7815, HD7820, HD7832 and HD7890.

Manufacture Country and Date: units made in Poland from 0627 to 0847 and units made in China from 0727 to 0847

Colors: Black, Blue, Silver, Red, White

Unaddressed calcification in the coffeemaker from use of hard or medium water, when combined with an external electrical fault, can lead to obstruction of the overpressure release system causing boilers to suddenly separate possibly leading to injury. Per year, the risk is less than three per million and there have been no reported cases in the United States.

Philips would like to advise consumers as follows:

1 Please look at the sticker on the base plate of your Senseo® machine to identify the model number, manufacturing location and production week.

2 Please visit www.senseoexchange.com or call the toll-free phone number 1-866-604-0051 to register your product and receive further instructions and how to receive a free replacement unit. We intend to replace affected units with the same model product.

We wish to thank you for your cooperation and apologize for any inconvenience.

Kind regards,
Philips Consumer Care

Okay, so maybe it's a little more risky that I thought. On the other hand, when has anyone ever died from an exploding pressure chamber?

Sure, there was that time my cousin Jeffrey (who works for the NYC Parks & Rec department, btw) was seriously injured in a boiler explosion. In fact it blew the entire left side of his body off. Don't worry though. Jeffrey recovered. He's all right now.

tagged: coffee, Senseo, recall

FWD: Failure to communicate

Like a lot of dudes, I sometimes don't take phone message seriously enough.

That's why I typically just don't answer the phone at all. If it's important enough, the caller can leave a message on the answering machine. If it's not important enough for a message, they usually just hang up (in which case I probably didn't want to talk to them anyway).

But hopefully, I wouldn't get it as wrong as this guy...

tagged: message, gyno, beer, humor

FWD: Application for Employment

A nephew of mine forwarded this one to me a couple of weeks ago. He's no dummy. With the economy the way it is, he's willing to take any job that can get him a little spending cash during the summer.

Still, I wonder if he's being a tad too honest. I hope the hiring manager has a sense of humor.

McDONALDS APPLICATION

NAME: [Redacted]

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes – Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

tagged: job, employment, application, humor, economy

FWD: She always has good advice

I was having an email exchange with my Supermodel Wife earlier today about the possibility of attending a Royals game in the next few weeks (while they're still leading the division).

Here's how it started:

From: Supermodel Wife
To: emawkc

How much were the tickets? It might be really cold on that day if the recent weather is any indication, trendwise.

BTW, what are your lunch plans today?

I replied:

From: emawkc
To:Supermode Wife

Tickets = $30 each (includes food)

Weather = Forecast sunshine with a high of 66

Lunch = I have a meeting so I’ll be dining at my cube.

Her response to my reply:

Please don't project manage your wife.

Great advice.

tagged: email, family, manage, humor, baseball, Royals

FWD: One good deed

I usually don't go in for this sentimental stuff, but this is one amazing story...

In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture at left) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

tagged: elephant, Africa, wildlife, humor

FWD: To the K-Staters out there...

I just received this via email. Enjoy (it's all in good fun)...

It's that wonderful, magical time of the year
When we gather with those we consider most dear,
Our friends and our family, all folks whom we love,
The people for whom we thank God up above.
How special it is -- oh indeed, it is true --
To know you're with others who can't stand KU,
To be with those equally filled with abhorrence
Toward the snobs on the hill, in the hell known as Lawrence.
Now, I know that we all want our Wildcats to win,
But to ask for much more, tell me, is it a sin?
I, for one, want to see a great thrashing take place,
A beating so bad that they'll find not a trace
Of dignity left in that sad football team,
That they'll wish all day long that it's just a bad dream.
I say, "Beat them by forty, or fifty, or more!
Like 2002, let's put up sixty-four!"
Let's pummel the Jayhawks; let's tear them apart,
Let's surgically sever each liver and heart!
We'll drag their young men through the muck and the mud,
WE'LL CUT OFF THEIR HEADS AND THEN DRAIN OUT THEIR BLOOD!
WE'LL PILLAGE AND PLUNDER AND RAVAGE THE LAND!!
AND WE'LL.........
......Oh, I'm sorry.... um, things...just got out of hand.
I'm afraid that I simply got carried away;
After all, it's just a game young people play.
So I say to our 'Cats, Have a wonderful game!
Through the highs and the lows, you're our boys just the same!
And one more thing -- 'midst the "Go Team's" and "Good Luck's" --
Don't ever forget -- (altogether now) --

KU SUCKS!

tagged: K-State, KSU, Wildcats, KU, Kansas, Jayhawks, football

FWD: How to argue effectively

I've been having an email "discussion" with one of my fake-hippy "moonbat" friends about a topic of the political genre (details unimportant for his post).

This guy prides himself on his arguing abilities. When I told him he was full of shite, he sent me the following to explain his arguing techniques.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.

If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date.

But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.

DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."

Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?"

Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Qua
• So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples to oranges.
• What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong.

Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

tagged: humor, argue, how to, email

FWD: You do the math

A buddy of mine sent me this in a forwarded email.

I'm not sure who the original author is, but it's hard to argue with this analysis. If you know who wrote this originally, let me know.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window
and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,
and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so

tagged: humor, women, drivers, cosmopolitan, National Rifle Association, the finger, road rage

FWD: A puma by any other name

I received this email chain via my Supermodel Wife from CDH, a friend of ours who lives a mile or so away in northern O.P.

RE: Mountain lion in our neighborhood...

Or cougar, puma, whatever they're called in these parts. Maddie chased one out of the neighbor's yard over the weekend, and C. heard one last night (he thinks a small dog was on the losing end of an encounter). Both times have been around 11 pm each night. Keeps your eyes and ears open, and keep an eye on those critters of yours when they go out at night!

I just called OP Animal Control, and they have received several reported sightings, but [no] actual confirmation (by them, police, wild life & parks, etc.).

Family Friend K:

Good to know, but I think Herschel might be able to hold his own - Supermodel Wife can probably vouch for that too! He was talking loud enough to a giant possum a couple of weeks ago that I had to open the door and check out the commotion....

Supermodel Wife:

You're really serious about this? A mountain lion in town in OP??? Not a wildcat but a full fledged cougar?

They say pumas tend to stay away from dogs, so yeah, Herschel should be okay...

Family Friend CDH:

That's what C. described it as...about the same size as Maddie, rounded head, long tail, light tan color. Maddie started barking at it and it ran off. C. thought she was just barking at a dog, but he said the critter ran like a cat, not a dog.

I called OP Animal Control, and the guy said several people have called over the passed few weeks with cougar/puma sightings in Northern OP, but nothing has been officially confirmed yet. All the same, we keep a very close eye on Maddie when we let her out for her last tinkle of the night. She seemed to know something, other than our friendly neighborhood rabbits, was in the neighbor's yard.

So what's new with you? I meant to call you the other night just to chat, but I fell asleep (my Mexico vacation was relaxing but tiring at the same time - thanks to hot temperatures, high humidity, and a rooster named Raul).

tagged: Kansas, Overland Park, puma, cougar, mountain lion, wildlife