Bug Out

It was a dirty, sweaty job, but it needed doing and the weather last Saturday was perfect for doing it.

Like many across the metro this year, three of the trees in my backyard have been afflicted with webworms.

In case you aren't familiar with these insidious little beasties, they build a webby nest in your tree and eat all the leaves. The more leaves they eat, the bigger the web gets. As the web gets bigger, it engulfs more leaves for the little bastards to eat.

It seriously uglifies your trees and can kill saplings. And the only way to really get the out of your tree is to amputate the infected limb and destroy it.

So anyway, I had already pruned the affected branches from two of the three infested trees.

The worms on the third tree were about 20 feet up. I put up a ladder and grabbed my telescoping loppers and climbed as high as I could through the lower branches.

By this point I was used to tree bark, leaves and sawdust falling off the trees onto my head and into my eyes and ears (eye protection is for the weak). So after I lopped of the offending branch near the trunk, I stepped down off the ladder and brushed myself off.

I could feel that a piece of leaf had fallen into my ear. I casually tried to brush it out with my pinkie finger as I picked up the recently severed branch to add it to the debris pile.

Except the leaf wouldn't come out of my ear. In fact, my brushing attempt seemed to have pushed it further into my ear.

It was at this point that I noticed dozens of tiny winged insect crawling all over my shirt. This was accompanied by the realization that there wasn't a leaf in my ear, it was a bug. And it was crawling deeper into my ear canal.

Cursing, I made my way inside, headed to our downstairs bathroom and grabbed the nearest cotton swab. I rubbed it around my ear until I was sure that no creepy crawlie could be left.

Feeling better (but still a little creeped out), I headed back to the backyard to finish my work. I'd just taken a step off the back patio when I felt the sickening tickling in my external auditory meatus - and no, that's not a good thing.

Panic set in as I raced up to our master bath. We have multiple mirrors that can be articulated to allow me to look into my ear.

It was clear that this nefarious creature was intent upon burrowing into my noggin and laying eggs in by brain. Believe me folks, I can not afford to lose any brain cells.

Visions of Chekov's madness in Wrath of Khan raced through my mind.

I aligned the mirrors to peer into my ear and there it was. Laughing maniacally at me and brandishing its pincher-like beak about to delve into my dome.

A few quick flicks of my finger and I had him out.

I made my way back outside, relieved to be rid of this certain terror. When I got into the sun, I peered at the horrible little invader for a moment or two before crushing him like the bug he was.

tagged: insect, webworm, bug, tree, ear, Wrath of Khan, Chekov

Most like an arch

It's no secret that in the United States today, roughly 98 percent of marriages end in divorce within five years. That's only one of the reasons I'm so lucky to be married to someone like my Supermodel Wife.

She has a great sense of humor and a lot of patience which, fortunately for me, has allowed her to put up with my shenanigans for thirteen years now.

I consider these past few years to be the best of my life so far. We've done amazing things together. We've seen priceless works of art, viewed the wonders of nature, visited ancient ruins, dipped our toes in four oceans... we've been in one of the tallest buildings in the world, and traveled deep underground. We've raised one of the smartest and most beautiful daughters in the history of smart, beautiful daughters.

We've had arguments, fights even. But I wouldn't trade even the worst day for all of the Brunello in Tuscany. I value our time together that much. We have built our life together through hard work, blood, sweat and tears, but more importantly love, devotion.

It hasn't always been easy, but it has always been worth it. And I can't wait to see what the future brings.

I saw this poem a few weeks ago, and I think it's particularly apropos. We are stronger together than we could be apart.

Most Like an Arch This Marriage
by John Ciardi

Most like an arch—an entrance which upholds
and shores the stone-crush up the air like lace.
Mass made idea, and idea held in place.
A lock in time. Inside half-heaven unfolds.

Most like an arch—two weaknesses that lean
into a strength. Two fallings become firm.
Two joined abeyances become a term
naming the fact that teaches fact to mean.

Not quite that? Not much less. World as it is,
what’s strong and separate falters. All I do
at piling stone on stone apart from you
is roofless around nothing. Till we kiss

I am no more than upright and unset.
It is by falling in and in we make
the all-bearing point, for one another’s sake,
in faultless failing, raised by our own weight.

tagged: marriage, anniversary, poem, arch, John Ciardi

Irony

One of the pleasant surprises about our vacation to Branson a few weeks ago was Silver Dollar City.

I was expecting a sort of redneck version of the already-kind-of-rednecky Worlds of Fun. But instead, it was more like a fun version of the Renaissance Festival. There were enough kid rides to keep our fiver-year-old entertained, but also enough artisanal displays to keep the adults occupied.

We watched a glass blowing demonstration right after shooting bad guys in the Flooded Mine. A big hit for my dad was the blacksmith's shop. A craftsman was at work turning iron into useful tools and works of art.

Pops struck up a conversation with the gentleman and learned that, by working at Silver Dollar City for 12 weeks, he makes enough contacts that he gets jobs lined up for the entire year. Not a bad way to make a living doing something you think is fun.

The blacksmith's shop is where my dad got me this kickass birthday present:

I know you guys know what it is, so I won't waste time explaining its use. But I do want to point out a few details.

First, here's the business end of this useful little gadget...

But the coolest part is this...
That's right, rather than just the typical loop, dad had the blacksmith put in a monogram 'A' for me. This thing is a family heirloom now.

Sweet.
tagged: vacation, Branson, Missouri, Silver Dollar City, iron, blacksmith

Random Photo XV: Autumn Birch

If I asked you what your favorite season was, you would probably say spring or summer.

But you would be wrong. It's actually autumn.

Like Michael Scott, I find autumn to be the most contemplative of the seasons. The angle of the sun, the colors of the foliage, the sweet and sour smell of decomposing leaves and the mild temperatures all combine for an atmosphere of introspection and appreciation.

I took this picture yesterday of one of the river birches in our back yard.



tagged: Random Photo, autumn, fall, tree, leaves, nature

Friday Blogthing: Monster

This doesn't sound like me at all...

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky. You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster. Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural. Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control You play well with: Vampires

What Kind of Monster Are You?

tagged: Friday, blogthing, Halloween, monster, quiz, blog, meme

We're all hosed

I ganked this from El Borak...

I (stupidly) checked by 401k balance yesterday. The verdict: Down 24% since the beginning of the year.

If things keep going the way the are (and they will, regardless of what you Obamunists think) I'm going to have to take drastic measures, like selling my priceless collection of erotic Hummel figurines.

tagged: bailout, money, economy, Wall Street

Clearing

Here's a conundrum for you: Say you're an Overland Park city planner and you're faced with a decision on what to do with a vacant parcel of land near 107th and Roe Avenue. What do you do?

The situation is getting dire. The land has become overgrown with unsightly woods. Woodland wildlife is making it a haven in the middle of your beautiful pavetropolis.

The deciduous trees shed their leaves in the autumn, but only after assaulting passersby with a horrible display of gaudy reds, yellows and oranges -- colors that patently conflict with the suburb-approved grays, dark grays and light grays of surrounding developments.

You thought about putting in a soccer field. Everybody likes soccer, right? But alas, a new soccer field is already being installed a few miles south, so that's a no go.

But you have to make you're decision. So quick, what do you do?

Well, you do what any progress-minded suburban planner would do. Cut out all the trees, grind them up, and put in a strip mall.

I took these pictures a few days ago.

By now, the vegetation on the plot of land is about two thirds shredded. Should be all gone by the end of the day tomorrow.

Here's what the area looked like less than two weeks ago (not the streets, you numskulls, the woods just beyond the street).

Actually, it's probably unfair of me to characterize this as just another strip mall project. There isn't any signage nearby explaining what's going on. I called the OP city desk and got three call transfers, two voicemails and a "I honestly don't know what they're doing" before giving up.

A quick Google search didn't net much info either. I suppose it's possible that the clear cutting is part of the Indian creek flood control project, but it seems to be a little too far south of Indian Creek for that.

A clerk at the nearby QuikTrip mentioned that they're finishing off 107th Street. But do they really need to shred all the trees within a 500 yard radius?

I dunno. Like I say, I'm just a cave man. Your retail shopping and street paving frightens and confuses me.

If you guys have any idea what this project is about, drop me a line of explanation in the comments. Mmmkay?

tagged: Overland Park, development, trees, clearing, Leawood, Johnson County, strip mall

Ignorance is bliss

It's nice to not be informed. It lets you go about your day happily unaware of what the hell is going on in the world.

It allows you to crack uninformed quips about how dumb Sarah Palin is. It makes it easy for you to say "Vote for Obama, he's totally different from every other politician."

Of course, while this obliviousness pretty much means you'll be completely wrong on all of your blustering ramblings, at least it means you'll be happy.

And I'm all for happiness, which is why I encourage you NOT to listen to the most recent episode of This American Life.

It's a follow up to an episode I mentioned a couple of months ago, in which Ira Glass, Alex Blumberg and Adam Davidson explained how this global meltdown got started.

In this episode, they continue to discuss just what the hell is happening and how absolutely screwed we all are (hint: a $850 billion bailout is a squirt of piss compared to the estimated $60 TRILLION in outstanding credit default swaps).

So whatever you do, DON'T listen to this top notch reporting. Go back to your blog and write something snarky about how the Republicans screwed the country and if we only vote Democrats (more of the same) everything will be sugarplum fields and candy cane forests.

tagged: economy, This American Life, Ira Glass, Wall Street, Alex Blumberg, Adam Davidson, bailout

Socky

One of the good things about our recent trip to Branson was the shopping.

Not that I'm an authority on shopping. I hate shopping. Frankly, I'd rather watch Larry Moore do a naked burlesque show than spend even five minutes in a mall.

But I had a nice score in a Branson outlet mall that almost makes the entire trip worthwhile.

First, a little background: About five years ago, I went through a simplification regimen. This consisted of getting rid of some of the extraneous "stuff" in my life. Focus on the important things, streamline the processes, etc. As part of this exercise, I got rid of all the fancy socks I used to wear to work and replaced them with plain black socks.

These are special (to me) socks, a lycra/cotton blend from Jockey that was comfortable and tended not to fade as much as other socks. At the time, I could only find them at one store, so I stocked up with a couple dozen pairs.

The beauty of the system is that they are all identical and they pretty much go with anything I might wear to work, so I never had to worry about finding a pair of matching socks. They all matched each other, see?

Over the years, a sock would wear out and I could just throw a new one into the rotation. This worked great until the store I shopped at quick carrying them. I searched online and couldn't find them anywhere.

As I started to wear holes into the heels of more socks, I resigned myself to the fact that my great sock experiment was coming to a close. I even went so far as to wear a couple of pairs of non-standard socks that I had received as a Christmas present (yes, I received socks as a Christmas present. Sad isn't it).

Then, while on a stroll around a Branson outlet mall while my Supermodel Wife was buying factory outlet-priced Supermodel clothes, I saw a Jockey outlet store. I felt a slight tinge of hope. I stepped in and saw a display of the very socks I needed -- and at factory outlet prices no less.

So, I restocked on socks. I've got a nice big stack of two dozen socks just waiting to move into the rotation as their older brethren wear out.

Life will continue to be simple for me -- at least in the sock department.

tagged: Branson, Jockey, socks, feet, shopping

The Obvious Psychic

Most people don't know this, but I have psychic powers.

My powers used to be more acute. Back in high school, for example, I successfully predicted the rise and fall of Yahoo Serious. Then during college I got kind of messed up in drugs, and even though I'm clean now, I only have flash forwards every now and then.

But I still have a talent for making obvious psychic predictions with stunning accuracy, so I've put together a few for this weekend. You can keep score at home. It's fun, see?

• Saturday Night Live will lead off with a skit featuring Liz Lemmon impersonating Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin in the VP debate. That show's predictability is matched only by its unfunniness. Who'd a thought we'd look back with longing on the Kevin Nealon days.


• TKC will have no less than a dozen posts about the KCMO co-mayors. His predictability is matched only by the pictures of scantily clad women he posts. Still, he's an order of magnitude more original and funny than SNL.

• The K-State Wildcats undefense will get shredded by Texas Tech to the tune of about a brazillion yards.


• Congress will drive the final nail into the coffin of the country formerly known as America by passing the $850 billion Buy Our Way Into Social Totalitarianism Bill.


• There will be at least three people killed in East Kansas City over the weekend, which, with the direction this country is heading socially and politically, makes them the lucky ones.

And finally,


• Larry Moore will continue to be a complete goober by gushing all over MU while reading non-news stories about homeless cats or fake local celebrities.

There's more, but the premonitions are getting really weird and disturbing (I don't know why The D and XO would be sharing a pair of rubber pants (shiver)) so I'd better stop for now.

You kids have great weekend.

tagged: psychic, obvious, Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live, Sara Palin, k-State, Kansas City, Larry Moore, Congress, bailout, Yahoo Serious