Wednesday, April 30, 2008

3AM EXCLUSIVE: Pleasant Weather Warning issued for KC metro

OLATHE (3AM) -- The National Weather Service in Olathe, Kan., has issued a Pleasant Weather Warning for the greater Kansas City metropolitan area.

According to NWS meteorologist Ben Wong, seasonably pleasant weather is poised to hit the metro area this afternoon and could last until evening.

"It's always difficult to get 100-percent accuracy with this type of weather system, but our models predict that citizens should be on the watch for pleasant weather throughout the afternoon."

Les Wright, a meteorologist for a local television affiliate, noted that pleasant weather is characterized by temperatures in the upper-60s to mid-70s Fahrenheit, often accompanied by light breezes and sunny skies.

"Local businesses should be sure that their pleasant weather shelters are well stocked, since this kind of system usually causes a decrease in worker productivity," Wright said.

There are other safety risks as well.

"This type of pleasant weather system almost always causes a reduction in the amount of clothing in the atmosphere and an increase in the amount of exposed skin," said Wright.

"That in itself isn't necessarily dangerous. However, it can lead to higher rates of inattentive driving and rubbernecking which has in turn been linked to higher rates of traffic fatalities."

To mitigate the risks, Wright and Wong suggest taking measure such as staying home and consuming moderated amounts of cold beer and grilled meats.

Stay tuned for 3 O'Clock AM for further weather coverage.

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

FWD: Application for Employment

A nephew of mine forwarded this one to me a couple of weeks ago. He's no dummy. With the economy the way it is, he's willing to take any job that can get him a little spending cash during the summer.

Still, I wonder if he's being a tad too honest. I hope the hiring manager has a sense of humor.

NAME: [Redacted]

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?


I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

On the job no, on my breaks yes.

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

Yes – Absolutely.


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YouTube Tuesday: Make sure he's dead

With the impending food shortage and societal upheaval that is sure to follow, I thought it prudent to begin researching various survival techniques. After all, those most skilled at the primal arts of hunting and gathering will be those most likely to survive in the dystopia to come.

And it's in the spirit of whatever civilized behavior we have left that I share these survival tips with you. Good luck out there.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

3AM EXCLUSIVE! Weekend project a complete waste of time!

The main project for last weekend (aside from the usual mowing the yard, filling the bird feeders, burying dead hookers in my basement, etc.) was repairing a drainage pipe in the front of our house.

The drainage pipe in question had become clogged (probably as a result of some roofing work we'd had done) leading to a backed-up downspout which caused a nice-looking, but foundation-eroding fountain in front of our house during last week's rains.

You probably couldn't tell from the picture, but the soil around the downspout was extremely eroded because of the backup-induced fountain. So I determined that I had to dig out the end of the drainage pipe where the water is supposed to come out.

I did some excavation (that means "digging" for those of you from Arizona) and found the culprit. The end of the pipe had become collapsed, leading to a severe blockage (much like Jason Whitlock's coronary artery).So I trimmed off the broken pipe with my kick-ass reciprocating saw and cleared the soil from around the end.
I also dug a trench from the recently trimmed pipe (sounds kinda dirty, doesn't it DLC?) out into the lower elevation of my yard.

Here's what the excavation looked like at that point.

Now it's time to prepare the new drainage pipe.

First, you're supposed to put this kind of cloth sock on the pipe to keep sand an dirt from getting in through the small holes that let water out of the pipe. It's kind of like putting sausage into a casing. (Yeah, I know what some of you are thinking, and it's like that too.)

Once the pipe sock was on, I attached it to the existing drainage pipe with a hose clamp and trimmed off the excess. I then cut a hole at the end of the new pipe to put a neat little grate on.

All that was left to do was bury my pipe (heh) and then replace the sod I had saved just for this purpose. And voila, the new drain.

Unfortunately, there's still a blockage in the drain. I put the garden hose in my gutter Sunday just to test it and discovered I was still getting serious backup. So all that work, and I still haven't solved the problem.

So my next step is to rent one of those rotor rooter things at Home Depot and try to drill this sucker out. It will probably have to wait until next weekend, though.

I just hope it doesn't rain before then.

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Not in Kansas anymore

If you've not been reading A California Girl in Kansas, then for one thing shame on you. For another thing, you're pretty much out of luck now.

Shea, the talented and effervescent author, published her "Goodbye to Kansas" letter today. Brought tears to my eyes. Well, not really, but it is an honest and heartfelt review of her three-year odyssey in the Sunflower State.
Most importantly, Kansas taught me a lesson that I will never, ever forget - grow where you’re planted. Make the most out of every situation. Never give up. Always believe that you can make every day fabulous and fun. Give everyone you meet a fair shake. At the end of the day, or at the end of three and a half years, you’ll find that the one place you never thought you’d live is the one place you can’t really imagine living without.
Great thoughts from someone who I'm pretty sure will be (even more) famous some day.

Take it easy on the Caribbean, Shea. You're not in Kansas anymore.

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Prohibition is good for business

Okay, we've got our next big business idea ready to go.

Those of you who read about the big local blogger meetup last night probably think it was just an occasion for drinking booze and eating boob (cake).

And while the boob cake was tasty (so delicious and moist), and the Boulevard Wheat never tasted better, I did have the ulterior motive of discussing our next business venture with XO and Keith (thus also allowing me to write the evening's outlays off as a tax deductible business expense, but I digress).

The core of our new business idea is the realization that when Kansas City voters approved a ban on smoking in public venues, we all saw that as a super-restrictive overstep of government authority.

"What about our personal rights? What about the freakin' constitution," we all said.

What we failed to realize, until recently, is that just as in the days of alcohol prohibition, tobacco prohibition has left a hole in the market place that is burning to be filled.

So here's our idea: We rent a space, probably a bar that has had to close because smokers can't smoke there anymore. We reopen it as a "private club" and sell memberships for , I don't know, $40 bucks a year?

We cut a deal with big tobacco, maybe Phillip Morris or RJ Reynolds, to supply the cancer sticks at a cut rate.

We then sell them above retail at our club, and since we won't allow tobacco products to be brought into the club (city ordinance, probably), we have 100% market share.

We haven't landed on a name for the place yet, but my nomination is "Smokin' Hotties." I figure we can have bikini-clad waitresses with cigarette lighters in their bikini tops (you know, flip a switch and a flame comes out of the nipular area).

But let me know if you have a better name. If we use a name you submitted, I can probably get you a free membership.

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Friday Blogthing: It's pronounced just as it's spelled

Speaking of office space...

I am Samir Nayeenanajar from Office Space. Take the test and find out who you were.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Cleared for takeoff

The corporate travel group at work sent out an email recently to apprise me of a great corporate perk.

We all had the chance to sign up for a service that will allow us to bypass security lines at most major airports around the country.

If you've flown recently, you've probably seen the booths for this company, Clear, popping up at airports near you. I've seen them in San Francisco, Atlanta and New York.

I only travel two or three times a year, but after my most recent experience at the Atlanta airport my interest in such a service was piqued. Who needs, thought I, a four hour security ordeal?

So I nibble on the bait sent out in the email and go to the Clear website for more info. The price, $130 bucks, is a bit steep, especially for a infrequent traveler like myself. My company wouldn't pick up the expense, but I might be able to justify it anyway based on some vacation travel we're planning for later in the year.

So I read on, and here's where they lose me.

Part of the "enrollment" process is that you have to give at least two pieces of approved government-issued identification to some stranger at one of their airport kiosks. Also, you have to voluntarily allow them to capture images of your irises and fingerprints, as well as a photograph.

So you're basically paying $130 to add your ID (finger prints and retinal scan) to a database that you can be damn sure will get into government hands -- maybe added to a list of some kind?

Now my knowledge of history isn't as good as, say, a San Francisco free-Tibet hippie freak, but I'm pretty sure that this kind of list would be similar to the kinds of list that people with names like Hitler and Stalin used.

And even if I'm wrong on that count, I KNOW that this kind of thing has been a significant concept in all kinds of post-apocalyptic dystopian literature and movies.

Look, I'm too paranoid to even use my real name on an inconsequential blog read by a bunch of losers (no, not you, you're the cool one). I'm still trying to figure out how to stop the NSA from tracking my Google searches. I need to focus on making sure my own government isn't using the British traffic cameras to spy on me.

There's no way a tinfoil hat-wearing, government-not-trusting, X-Files-believing suspicious sunuvabich like me is going to freely turn over my freaking retinal scan to the gubmint!

Don't even waste my time.

Now, I gotta go renew my Hen House shopper rewards card.

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Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!

A picture taken at the Pro-Tibet rally in San Francisco and posted without further comment (really, is any needed?)

Dunce hat tip to John B. at Blog Meridian

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

High on the hog

I know we're all struggling to come to grips with the mounting global food shortages.

Who would have thought that such a thing could happen in the good old U.S. of A. Oh, sure, it hasn't come to the point of food riots yet (at least not in the good old U.S. of A.), but why wait until that happens before we start talking about a solution.

Luckily, it's Canada to the rescue. They have a very clever plan for helping out with the global food shortage: Throwing away food.
The Canadian government announced that it would pay pork producers as much as $50 million to kill 150,000 pigs by fall. It's an effort to reduce supply in order to raise the price of pork and help struggling hog farmers.
The brilliant plan is the brainchild of high-ranking Canadian Bacon Minister Jules Winnfield who, despite his official position, is not a fan of pork products anyway.
"Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.

Maybe bacon and pork chops taste good. But hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense to disregard its own feces."

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YouTube Tuesday: Wii, Eye and You(tube)

The health benefits of owning and using the Nintendo Wii have been well documented, but I think the physical risk has been somewhat ignored.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

I must've put a decimal point in the wrong place or something

You don't have to be a rocket scientist.

In fact, sometimes it's better if you're not.

Sometimes, like when it comes to predicting catastrophic asteroid impacts, it's better if you're -- oh, I don't know -- a 13-YEAR-OLD GERMAN KID!!!

That's right. The national brain trust at NASA just had their pocket protectors handed to them by a pimply faced German teenager, who discovered that there's actually a pretty damn good chance of a significant portion of North America and Europe being destroyed within the next 40 years.
Nico Marquardt used telescopic findings from the Institute of Astrophysics in Potsdam (AIP) to calculate that there was a 1 in 450 chance that the Apophis asteroid will collide with Earth...

NASA had previously estimated the chances at only 1 in 45,000 but told its sister organisation, the European Space Agency (ESA), that the young whizzkid had got it right.
1 in 450?!?!!! That's better odds than Larry Moore saying something non-goobery within the next 40 years.

And we're not talking about some pea-sized piece of space granite, here.
Both NASA and Marquardt agree that if the asteroid does collide with earth, it will create a ball of iron and iridium 320 metres (1049 feet) wide and weighing 200 billion tonnes, which will crash into the Atlantic Ocean.

The shockwaves from that would create huge tsunami waves, destroying both coastlines and inland areas, whilst creating a thick cloud of dust that would darken the skies indefinitely.
So nice going NASA. I don't suppose you have any ideas on what to do to avoid the mass calamity.

If you do, let's run them by the German grade school students for verification, mmmkay? You NASA guys can just keep looking for Klingons near Uranus.

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Weekend review

While you were busy adding earthquake reinforcements to your house, I was having the best weekend ever.

Srsly, I got a lot accomplished and was left Sunday night with a pleasant healthy exhaustion. Felt good.

Here's a partial list of what I did (not in chronological order):
  • Mowed the lawn -- added fertilizer and weed pre-emergent

  • Attended a training seminar to qualify as a volunteer to work with children and disabled adults (more on this later)

  • Dragged out and assembled our patio furniture

  • Made awesome beef arm roast for Sunday dinner

  • Assembled backyard badminton court

  • Repaired two bicycles

  • Cleaned garage

  • Three loads of laundry

  • Fixed broken garage door hinge

  • Cleaned street gutter in front of house

  • Refilled bird feeders and humming bird feeders
Yeah. I'd say it was a good weekend.

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Friday, April 18, 2008

Friday Feast: The Meesha Special

Everyone is dedicating today's Friday Feast to Meesha, who just can't get enough. As a special treat, today's entrée features pickles.

Name a color you find soothing.
C2 M9 Y33 K0

Using 20 or less words, describe your first driving experience.
I swear officer, the light was green.

What material is your favorite item of clothing made out of?

Main Course
Who is a great singer or musician who, if they were to come to your town for a concert, you would spend the night outside waiting for tickets to see?
What is the most frequent letter of the alphabet in your whole name (first, middle, maiden, last, etc.)?
X (three of them).

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I try to keep an open mind. I try to be aware and respectful of differences of opinion. And I try to be open to changing my opinion when justified.

It was with this in mind that I decided to sit through Oprah's show yesterday evening.

What I saw in the first two minutes confirmed that I wouldn't need to change my opinion re: Oprah being a big hypocritical phony.

In her increasingly desperate attempts to avoid being overtaken by Ellen Degenerate as the queen of the talk show (a dubious title indeed), she joined the green herd with an unoriginal guilt trip aimed at a wasteful America.

Here's what she had to say to start her show:
I hate waste.

It's a little known fact about me, but I save toast. I really do because I think it will be crisper tomorrow.

Really I can't stand it [waste]. I guess it's the way I was raised, and I wasn't even raised during the depression.

But I have this whole thing that I can't stand waste. I think we waste so much in this country.

So this show is to get you think about how much you waste and ways that you can be more conservative as a consumer.
So let me get this straight, Opes. You, one of the richest women people in the world, want us to stop wasting?

You, who recently bought a $50-million estate, want us to not be so wasteful?

The woman who has at least SEVEN palatial estates wants us to be less wasteful?
Winfrey currently lives on "The Promised Land", her 42 acre (170,000 m²) ocean and mountain view estate in Montecito, California, outside of Santa Barbara. Winfrey also owns a house in Lavallette, New Jersey, an apartment in Chicago, an estate on Fisher Island off the coast of Miami, a ski house in Telluride, Colorado, and property on the island of Maui, Hawaii. Winfrey's show is based in Chicago, so she spends time there, specifically in the neighborhood of Streeterville, but otherwise resides in California. Her Hawaii property was featured on the cover of O at Home and on her TV show. Winfrey also owns a home in the exclusive town of Avalon, New Jersey"
Oprah, who charges a minimum of $50,000 to advertise on her website let alone her television show/network/magazine, thinks we peons waste too much.

The woman who quite possibly could be the ROOT OF ALL EVIL! -- believes we are living it up too well.


Look, I understand that Americans waste a lot of food/oil/energy/time, but Miss Oprah is hardly in a position to tell anyone to cut back.

So why don't you just go ahead and piss off, Oprah.

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Friday Blogthing: Orange

Maybe this means I can run for president of Ukraine, though I'm not too keen to be mentioned in the same company as David Blaine.

Your Aura is Orange

You're a bit of a loner, but you're never lonely. You know how to entertain yourself.

Whether you're trying an extreme sport or a new weird food, you always live on the edge.

The purpose of your life: testing limits - both physical and mental... and then telling people about it.

Famous oranges include: Timothy Leary, David Blaine, Tony Hawk, Carey Hart

Careers for you to try: Snowboarder, Circus Performer, Undercover Agent

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Coppers and robbers

Northlanders should take this as a hint.

Hell, AT&T should, too.

For the second time in the last few weeks, someone swiped a length of telephone line, presumably to sell the copper wire therein.
This is the second phone outage caused by copper thieves in recent weeks. On March 29, thieves stole several hundred feet of cable from 43rd Street and Pittman Road in Kansas City. ...

Meanwhile, the demand for copper is on the rise and the price could rise to $5 a pound in six months. Currently, copper costs $3.85 a pound.
This is a sign to AT&T -- and all of you Luddites for that matter -- who are still living in the 1960s (the decade in which the aforementioned telephone lines were installed).

The message is this: Get with the freakin' times, man!

This the 21st century! It's almost 2010, fer cryin' out loud. And we may not have flying cars (yet), but we've had wireless telephone technology for the last 20 years.

Buy a cell phone.

There are great deals out there. The networks are solid and with copper wire pushing $4 a pound (that's like five times more expensive than air) it just seems more efficient to go wireless.

I'm telling you, in this day and age, there's no reason to be connected by a wire to anything.

Just make sure you have an extra battery.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Posted On, Vol. 1

I just made up an old tradition at 3AM where I go through my comments on other blogs for the previous week and post them here.

Not only does it give me a chance to link to the blogs I read most, it allows me to be lazy and post something that I've already written.

Here's the round up for the past week:
  • Posted on The Kansas Citian:
    James thinks the US is posturing for war with Iraq. I'm just excited about a new expletive:
    I think "Qud" is now my favorite invective: "Get the hell off my lawn, ya' damn Quds!!!" or "That slutty Qud goes home with a different guy every night." or "Ew! Somebody Quded all over my pizza!"
  • Posted on The Random Ramblings of a Midtown Miscreant
    MM took some cheap shots at the town of Lone Jack, Mo. I had to defend it's virtues:
    Even though I'm married, I occasionally take a trip to Lone Jack. But thankfully, having a spouse drastically offsets the need of going to Lone Jack.

    Lone Jack can be fun every once in a while, but the alternative is much better.
  • Posted on Frighteningly Uncommon Sense:
    Faith ranted against women who put on makeup while driving. I commented that my hands are already full without adding eyeliner into the mix:
    If I were a chick, I don't see how i could put on makeup while driving, what with my hands being full of coffee, bagel and cellphone already.

    Plus me being a chick and not a very good driver in the first place.
  • Posted on I, Shane:
    Shane is campaigning for Barack Obama again. I'm still skeptical (natch):
    I’m almost there with you on this one, Shane. I certainly would vote for BO before Hillary. And I’m beginning to consider that he might be a better candidate that McCain.

    But I don’t have high hopes for his presidency. He says he’s the candidate of change, but I haven’t seen him propose any real reform.

    If I had to vote today, I’d probably still waste my vote on Ron Paul.
Well, that's it for this week. Go check out the posts I've linked to get the full force of my cleverness in its original context, and to experience some pretty damn good blogging from these local writers.

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New Kids on the Blog

I wanted to take a break from being (as Keri Oki would say) Jerky McJerkelheimerSchmidt and highlight a few recent additions to the increasingly addition-laden blogroll at the left (which will make Emawkc's Third Annual Blog Anagram Game!!! really interesting later this year).
  • Serenity's Escape
    Shame on me for not linking to Serenity sooner. She's coming up on her first year blogiversary, and I only discovered her about a month or two ago. I love her takes, and she has a great way with words. She coined the term "Wal-Martian" which I have put into regular use in day-to-day conversation. I just wish she would post more often. Maybe if you go read and comment there, she will.

  • Moxie Mama
    I've been enjoying Moxie's opinions over the last few weeks. I even caught myself crunching numbers after a recent numerology post she did (I learned that according to my birthday, I'm in an extremely fickle and superficial phase of my life. Of course, that's been the case for the last 15 years).

  • The Good Mother's Guide to Happiness
    Talk about a great sense of humor. Amanda (aka The Good Mother) has some great stories, a prime example of which is her brief history of her vacations...
    "It was dark and scary on that lonely highway. You know the kind of highway I'm talking about…where at any moment someone could step out of the cornfields with a machete in one hand and a bloody head in the other."

  • The Aging Disco Diva
    I subscribed to ADD a few months ago and just recently added her to my blogroll (yeah, I know, more shame on me). She has a very entertaining way of popping the culture, including a recent, HI-laraious blistering of the world's most-hated woman:
    Heather Mills just brings out the ugliest thoughts and emotions from the Diva. Seriously... I have the irresistible urge to rip her leg off and beat her with it... no, not that leg---the one she was born with.
    Plus, the ADD is a K-State fan, so you know she's not just some crazy crackpot.
So go check these cool ladies out. Leave a comment and tell them emawkc sent you.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Lost Tales of 3AM, Part III: Found

TO: Whom it may concern
FROM: emawkc
DATE: 04.11.08
RE: Your glasses

This note is to let you know that I found your Anne Klein prescription eyeglasses in the lobby yesterday.

They must have fallen out of your purse or computer bag, because they were sitting on the floor, right by the door. I nearly stepped on them, which would have sucked for you for obvious reasons.

I’m currently putting together a “FOUND” sign to tape up by the door. I’ll use an extra large block-type font (probably something like Arial Black at about 160 picas since I know (judging by the soda-bottle thickness of the lenses) that you’ll be nearly blind for the next few days. I hope you either a) have a backup pair of prescription glasses/contacts, or b) have someone who can drive your blind ass around for a couple of days because, DAYUM!!!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I found them and have them in my cube. You can stop by and pick them up anytime. Just make sure you bring a venti latte with an extra shot of espresso for my troubles.

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Friday, April 11, 2008

Friday Feast: Box lunch

Logtar took it upon himself to personally deliver today's lunch. You have your choice between the roast beef and club sandwiches:

Lets start with a trio sampler of word association… I say,
Tear :: For Fears
Hawk :: Hudson
Alien :: Ant Farm

If you had to pick a body of water that you have visited in your life to build a house next to, which one would it be… describe the scenery.
The Ligurian Sea. It looks a lot like the Northern California coast, but without all the damn dirty hippies. Lots of craggy cliffs, great for hiking. Deep culture and historical legacy. Easy access to Tuscany and all of the delicious wines and food therein, not to mention the treasure trove or art and history.

Everyone is being green now-a-days, what is your favorite green initiative?
Getting rid of the obsolete electronics that had been taking up too much room in my basement.

Main Course
Mexican is one of my favorite foods, share the name of your favorite Mexican dish with all of us (and where to find it) … even if it is just a Taco Bell chalupa?
Favorite Mexican dish? Easy, Selma Hayek (caliente!!!). You can find her right here.

What was the color of your first bicycle, or the oldest toy that you remember and what fruit do you associate with that color?
Whhaaa??? Okay, my first bicycle was yellow but I don’t know what the heck that has to do with fruit. Banana I guess.

More box lunches are available from Logtar, The D, Nuke

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Three vasectomies!!!

While you were busy dodging tornadoes and shoveling snow, Michael Scott was having the Best Week EVAR!

TV Quote of the week: "You have no idea of the physical toll that three vasectomies can have on a person!"

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Friday Blogthing: Survivor home edition

This is good news. I've got at least two months, which should be long enough to outlast the elderly, the infirm and the victims of the robot army. After that, we should be able to get by on "soylent" food products.

(Hey, don't look at me like that. This is SURVIVAL we're talking about here!)

How Long Could You Survive Trapped In Your Own Home?

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Do bloggers dream of electric sheep?

Man, I've been having some weirdo dreams lately.

Not useful weirdo dreams (the ones that predict I'm going to lose something and I should just check myself before I wreck myself), but just plain crazy "Fear and Loathing in Overland Park"-type psychedelic mind trips.

Take this one from the other night:

I have this dream where I'm in Paris (the city, not the celebutard). That’s been kind of a recurring theme lately, Paris. It must be time for another trip to Europe. But I digress.

Anyway, I'm in Paris, but the weird part is I'm not me. I'm actually Roger Daltrey. Yeah, the lead singer for The Who.

So here I am, Roger Daltrey, and I'm on my way to a dive bar in a dusty corner of Paris to have drinks with -- get this -- Robert Plant.

That's right, Robert Plant, lead singer of Led Zeppelin.

See what I mean? Crazy!

And to get to this Parisian dive bar, I have to ride a bicycle -- one of those expensive Tour De France-style racing bicycles. Well I show up at this dive bar and greet Robert Plant like we're old friends. He's got an entourage of about six people.

I, Roger Daltrey, show up alone. WTF is that all about? Alone?! I'm Roger Freakin' Daltry for cryin' out loud!

Anycrap, we sit at this long low table and start having lots of drinks and stuff, you know, living the rock star lifestyle. Everything gets kicked up a notch when we discover that our waitress/sous chef in the kitchen (yeah, I know, a sous chef in a dive bar? But we are in France so this probably makes the most sense of anything in this dream) is wearing nothing but a tight T-shirt and a thong under her greasy dirty apron.

That's where that story line ends.

Basically all that happens is we party a lot and then decide to call it a night. Robert Plant makes some crack about it only being 3:30 in the morning and how, when he was a young rock star, he would stay out until dawn.

Then I, Roger Daltrey, go get on my racing bicycle to head back to my hotel. I get a few yards and then realize that my bike has a flat tire and I have to walk it the rest of the way back.

And that's where it ends. Makes no sense right?

No more turkey pot pie before bedtime for me!

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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

That's all I've got to say about that

I'm a little bit bitter better today -- a state of mind I owe, no doubt, to the therapeutic affects of time and a Benadryl overdose (the original stuff, not that non-drowsy crap).

Today the KU fanboys (and girls) around the office are still obnoxious with their second straight day of Blue and Red, but they seem to have picked up on my non-verbal cues that I'm not one of them (chief among such cues: the purple shirt (the color of kings) that I'm wearing today).

I know I've been a whiny bitch about the whole KU thing. But in my defense, I just think someone should try to provide some kind of equal-time balance to the gigantic, collective Hawkgasm that has spewed its sticky self all over this city.

Still, I know a lot of the Cheathawk fans don't have much of a sense of humor in this regard, so I'm making this my last post on this particular issue (unless and until Coach Bill Self takes the money and runs to Okie State).

That being the case, I just need to get a couple of things off my chest.

First, I want to offer a bit of a mea culpa to KU's basketball team. I want to congratulate you for your accomplishment. You succeeded in using illegal recruiting practices* to build a team that could coast through the easiest bracket in the tournament and then accept the championship presented to you on a silver platter by an inept Memphis team that refused to foul when it needed and refused to make critical free throws.

So congratulations again on that.

Secondly, I know that this is a huge deal to KU fans, but just remember how annoying we all think the Oklahoma "longest-winning-streak-in-college-football-history" Sooners fans are.

With that in mind, if you must talk or interact with me, let's see if we can find a topic other than KU. I've come up with a starter list:
Things I would rather do than hearing about KU's win:
*NCAA Division I Committee on Infractions, Oct. 12, 2006: "Major violations occurred in the men's basketball program from 2002 through 2005. During that time frame, a representative of the institution's athletics interests supplied cash, transportation, clothing and other benefits to two men's basketball student-athletes. The athletics representative befriended one of the young men while he was still a prospect, buying him clothing and meals and transporting him to a number of the institution's men's basketball contests. ..."
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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

YouTube Tuesday: Great Game!

The next time I hear "Wasn't that a great game!" I might react as if a dood in a mask had just jumped out of a trash can.

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And so it begins

The first words spoken to me by a so-called adult to whom I'm not married:
"Hey man! Did you see that game last night? It was Awesome!!"
It's going to be a loooong day.

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Monday, April 07, 2008

Bracket update II

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Could you just do me this one little favor? Is that too much to ask?

Sunday morning was as bad as I thought it would be.

Saturday, I could hang out at home, bunkered up against all of the crap I knew was flying round outside of my house. I could avoid the offensive TV programming by watching something off the DVR (Resevoir Dogs if you must know). But in the back of my mind, I knew I was only delaying the force majeure that was approaching with all the inevitability of the 15-second shot clock.

I expected it. I knew every bandwagon jumper and his dog would be talking about "KU's Big Win." The so-called TV journalists of course, the idiot teenagers at Planet Sub, the knuckle dragging battery-chuckers at the car wash -- hell, even the Pastor at church found a way to work it into his sermon.

Yeah, I knew it was coming. But knowing it was coming didn't make it any better.

Then I get to work this morning and I hear this gem from one of the blue and crimson sheep:
"That was the best half of basketball I have ever seen any team play in my ENTIRE LIFE!!!"
--KU bandwagon jumper
Now I admit that part of what I'm experiencing can be chalked up to a version of what Katra cleverly calls "Freudenschade ("Finding misfortune in the joys of others."). But enough is enough already!

Here's a news flash, KU Fan: Not everyone is a KU fan.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, kudos to KU for busting my bracket and all. But there's only so much credit I can give to a hated team from an athletic department built on cheating that backed into the Final Four by beating no team higher than an 8 seed.

So here's my proposal. I'll try to bottle up my vehemence for the next few days if you can make some effort at containing the inevitable douchebaggy obnoxiousness that I just know is going to show up.

And Xenu help us if KU actually beats Memphis tonight.

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Friday, April 04, 2008

Friday Feast: All vegetarian edition

Strictly vegetarian fare today. Might I suggest a tall glass of wheatgrass juice?

Invent a new flower; give it a name and describe it.
Okay, it's a cross between wormwood and cockscomb.

It's called cockwood. It has large, fleshy petals that swell in warmer weather. But it tends to shrink and shrivel when it gets wet during rain storms.

Name someone whom you think has a wonderful voice.
Sarah Vaughan.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how clean do you keep your car?
Honestly, I'd say 7.326849.

Main Course
How do you feel about poetry?
They said to him "Speak to us of Love."

He looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his feathers may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams.
-- Kahlil Gibran
What was the last person/place/thing you took a picture of?
My left foot.

Check out these vegetarian entrées as well: Logtar, Bea, Faith

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Friday Blogthing: Expletive not deleted

I guess it could be worse. I prefer to think of it as "using colorful metaphors" rather than cussing. And I blame a majority of the "colorful metaphors" on the commenters (not you, though. You're the exception).

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?

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Thursday, April 03, 2008

(No hippie)

I'm really looking forward to Saturday morning. It will be my chance to jettison some personal detritus that has been taking up space in my basement and weighing on my mind.

About a year ago, our Aiwa home theater tuner burned out. A few months earlier out ink jet printer shot craps. Both items have survived a garage sale or two (evidently nobody wants to buy broken junk) and the dumpster.

You see, even though I'm not a damn dirty hippie I just can't bring myself to toss those old useless electronics into the trash. I mean, I dropped a nice wad of bills for those things, and I have to believe there's still some value left in them.

So for the last few months they've been sitting in a corner of my basement, taking up valuable space that could be better used in my basement pot-growing enterprise.

But Saturday, that will change.

The city of Overland Park is having an electronics recycling event at Shawnee Mission North High School (7401 Johnson Drive). You can bring old computers, keyboards, mice, VCRs (what the hell are those?), stereo equipment, scanners, printers and electronic vibrating anal plugs (Chimpo), and they'll take them off your hands free of charge.

According to the press release, OP collected 62,000 pounds (that's 3 Jason Whitlocks!) worth of recyclable crap at last year's event.

Here's a little more info
Electronic devices can contain significant amounts of hazardous or toxic substances.

Cathode ray tubes found in most computer monitors and TVs contain significant amounts of lead while other equipment may contain mercury, cadmium, chromium and other heavy metals. When electronic devices are disposed of, these pollutants may pose environmental risks.
So if you're trying to be more ecological by living like a caveman for an hour, or keeping your ill-gotten cash (you capitalist pigdog scum!) in a plastic billfold, or even rooting through your own filth for recyclables everyday, why not add electronics recycling to your hippie lifestyle?

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FWD: She always has good advice

I was having an email exchange with my Supermodel Wife earlier today about the possibility of attending a Royals game in the next few weeks (while they're still leading the division).

Here's how it started:
From: Supermodel Wife
To: emawkc

How much were the tickets? It might be really cold on that day if the recent weather is any indication, trendwise.

BTW, what are your lunch plans today?
I replied:
From: emawkc
To:Supermode Wife

Tickets = $30 each (includes food)

Weather = Forecast sunshine with a high of 66

Lunch = I have a meeting so I’ll be dining at my cube.
Her response to my reply:
Please don't project manage your wife.
Great advice.

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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

My movie quotes

By now, you've probably already seen this meme enough times to know how it works.

But here are the rules anyway:

Movie meme
-Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
-Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie.
-Post them on your blog for everyone to guess.
-Fill in the film title once it’s been guessed.

-Leave guesses in the comments.
-No Googling or using IMDB search functions.
-Know-it-alls, limit your guesses to three movies.
  1. I don't tip because society says I have to. All right, if someone deserves a tip, if they really put forth an effort, I'll give them a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, it's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doing their job. -- Reservoir Dogs (Logtar)

  2. Have a twinkie, snapperhead. -- The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (The D)

  3. I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville! You was my brother, Charley, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. -- On the Waterfront (The D)

  4. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die. -- Bladerunner (Xavier Onassis)

  5. But, Mrs. Mulwray, I goddamn near lost my nose. And I like it. I like breathing through it. And I still think you're hiding something. -- Chinatown (Xavier Onassis)

  6. A little spackling and some napalm and this place could make a nice mausoleum. -- Fletch Lives (The D)

  7. Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you? -- Real Genius (Nuke)

  8. The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me. -- National Lampoon's Animal House (Hoopstar)

  9. You're stewed, buttwad! -- Weird Science (Nuke)

  10. This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it. -- Caddyshack (Xavier Onassis)

  11. I'm a convicted murderer who provides sound financial planning. -- The Shawshank Redemption (Shane)

  12. When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail." -- Big Trouble in Little China (Chimpo)

  13. I've killed women and children. I've killed everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you done to Ned. -- Unforgiven (Nuke)

  14. Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase. -- Raising Arizona (AKCB)

  15. Here I am, goin' to Florida, my leg hurts, my butt hurts, my chest hurts, my face hurts, and like that ain't enough, I gotta pee all over myself. -- Midnight Cowboy (Hoopstar)

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Today's Sponge

In case you missed it, KC Sponge has put up a new blog template and new blog name.

Luckily for us she still has the same great attitude and writing style (not to mention the same URL (no rickroll)). Go check it out if you haven't yet.

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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

YouTube Tuesday: A Bush Spring Break

Okay guys. I really shouldn't pass this on, and it will probably end up getting me targeted by the Department of Homeland Security. But when I saw the news yesterday that Laura and Jenna Bush were going to be in Kansas City in a couple of weeks, I knew I couldn't pass it up.

I got this email from a friend of mine a few weeks ago. I can't divulge the name of my friend (see the aforementioned Department of Homeland Security issue), so for the purposes of this post I'll just call her Flora Spoil.

Anyway, Flora works on my floor at work and she told the story of a Spring Break "social" she attended a few years ago while still in college. According to her story she was at a party in a certain town in Texas (I think you know what I'm talkin' about) at this fancy hotel when she sees these two young women arrive in a big black car accompanied by big official dudes in dark suits.

You guessed it, it was the Bush Twins.

No doubt you're already aware of the Twins' reputations for partying hardy. Well, as Flora told it, the reputation is well earned. She said the Twins went all kinds of crazy at the party. Drinking, smoking, dancing -- no report of drug use, but...

Well evidently things got really out of hand when Jenna got up on a makeshift bar and started doing a dorky dance. She slipped of course and fell down on a pile of beer-filled plastic cups.

Flora always said it was the funniest thing she had ever seen because of who was involved. Frankly, I always suspected the story was 85% BS until I received this email a few weeks ago.

It had a link to a video of the incident taken by one of Flora's friends at the party. It shows the whole hilarious affair and I have to admit, it's LEGENDARY!

It's safe for work but be sure your not drinking any coffee or anything because it will likely squirt out your nose when you laugh.
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