YouTube Tuesday: Arrow

Here at the beginning of the end of society as we know it, as technology becomes our master, as resources dwindle, as the thin veneer of civilization begins to peel back to reveal a reality in which we feast on our own kind… it's probably a good time to brush up on the skills that will allow us to eek out a miserable existence in the post-apocalyptic hellscape that will become our planet.

That's where the good folks at Primitive Technology are being so darned helpful. Check them out for all of your primitive tool tutorials such as Making Charcoal and Basket Weaving…

And, of course, the exceedingly helpful, Primitive Bow and Arrow…

Take off, eh

Around about this time in every election cycle you start to hear people threaten to "move to Canada if [insert name of other side's candidate] wins this election." Indeed, reports following the Super Tuesday elections were that "How to move to Canada" was the leading Google search by far.

Well search no more. Here's a little (not so) helpful advice:

How to Move to Canada If Trump Wins, By a Person Who Moved to Canada When Bush Won

Getting a student visa is not the same as becoming a Canadian permanent resident. You can extend the visa upon graduation, but you’ll need to find a job in order to keep it. I, personally, did not find a job in Canada after graduating with a degree in English Literature, and so I was kindly asked to leave.

Uh… your welcome…?

Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice

El Borak's comment on a previous post got me thinking. I hate when that happens.

Here's what he said about the continued and rapid devolution of the human brain:

Take some comfort in the idea that if we are consumed by our little tragedies, it's because we don't have any big tragedies to worry about.

That's an interesting point. We humans have had it pretty good for a pretty long time. In fact, as far as we know, it's never been this good in the history of human existence.

And it seems to be driving us crazy. As Louis CK pointed out, "Everything's amazing and nobody is happy."

And there you have it. We have had it too good for too long. We're due for a "big tragedy" as El B calls it.

So, knowing that such a tragedy is virtually a mathematical certainty, why not have a little fun speculating about it? What kind of tragedy do you think we're looking at here? Lots of people have lots of theories…

Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost could be kind of a downer at times. Fire and Ice are only two of the possibilities. Let's take a look at some of the more popular theories pop culture has given us recently.

First, is the dreaded Zombie Apocalypse. The current leading theory on this is that humans, through their hubris, create some kind of genetically modified virus either as a cure for cancer or as a biological weapon. The virus gets out of control, creating 5 billion zombies worldwide and leaving surviving humans to fend off attacks on their evolutionarily smaller brains.

I personally don't see this as a likely possibility. Still, it's good to have a plan in place just in case. So in the event of a zombie apocalypse, just keep a few things in mind.

First and foremost, always head to colder climates. Zombies don't generate their own body heat, so they freeze up when the temperature drops. Don't head to the beach, or Atlanta or anything like that. This is just common sense, people.

Be sure to stock up on guns, ammo and cricket bats. It's pretty well know that a bashed in head is the only way to permanently kill a zombie.

Remember that zombies aren't your friends. If a friend or loved one has been bitten by a zombie, you owe it to them to put them out of their misery. The survival of the human race is at stake here.

After zombies, the next most-popular sci-fi tragedy is the Robot Apocalypse. You know, mankind creates robots to do all the dirty work. The robots get too advanced. They realize the don't need humans around anymore and decide to exterminate them. Hilarious high jinks ensue.

This is maybe a little more plausible than the zombie apocalypse, but we're still quite a few years away from this. Of course, our military seems to delight in creating robots that can kill people. For the life of me, I don't see what good can come of putting a machine gun on a Roomba. I mean, think about it people. How long do you think it will be before that Roomba makes you go boomba?

Again, just to be safe, you might want to check out Humans United Against Robots (HUAR for short) for some helpful tips on protecting yourself from the inevitable robot uprising.

The next item on the menu of destruction is some kind of cataclysmic asteroid strike. This goes even higher on the plausibility scale, since we're pretty sure that it's happened to our planet before. In fact, we actually witnessed it happen to our planetary neighbor a few years ago.

It's also the event that, in my not-so-expert opinion, we would have the least chance of surviving as a species. I mean, if the dinosaurs — a much more successful animal the we puny humans — couldn't survive, that what chance do we have? I guess we have a superior intelligence to help us adapt… but I'm just thinking that whatever we become might not be recognizable as homo sapien anymore.

Of course we don't have to look to space for natural destruction, there is plenty potential for terrestrial tragedy. What I see as most likely, and most devastating to yours truly, is the explosive eruption (really, is there any other kind?) of the 925-square-mile supervolcano under the Yellowstone Caldera.

Already, a magma bed under the caldera has swelled and heaved the ground up by 10-feet. When it finally blows, a volcanic cloud will spew ash and debris 25 miles high while lava and pyroclastic flows cover two-thirds of the country from Wyoming to Louisiana and putting quite a damper on that summer barbecue party I was planning.

Also, it would totally fill in the Grand Canyon, which I haven't had a chance to see yet. So… moving that item up on my to-do list.

But even more likely than that, is a disastrous 10.0 earthquake that is due to hit California any day now. A few weeks ago, scientists on the History Channels' Mega Quake 10.0 all but guaranteed that a magnitude 10.0 earthquake would turn California into an island and Arizona into a state full of beach front resorts.

That is totally going to suck for everyone in California, but it might be just the kind of tragedy that could get us to stop focusing on how crappy our cell-phone service is and start focusing on actually helping each other out. So from that perspective, at least there's a silver lining.

Still, such a quake would probably turn the Grand Canyon into Arizona Bay, so my earlier comment about getting out to see the Grand Canyon? Yeah, still applies.

So those are the biggies as I see it. I guess we'll still have to contend with plagues once all of our antibiotics fail. And then there's always the inevitable Water Wars looming on the horizon. Oh, and don't forget about sudden widespread sterility due to all of the residual hormones in the food and water supplies.

What did I miss? How do you think we'll get our comeuppance?



tagged: Earth, destruction, volcano, Yellowstone, California, earthquake, robot, zombie, robot, asteroid, apocalypse, Robert Frost

YouTube Tuesday: Ain't It the Truth

By now you've probably heard that the country has lost one of the brightest cultural luminaries of the last century the other day.

Lena Horne was a tremendous singer and artist and she used her well-deserved celebrity to champion civil rights equality even at the risk of her own career. She had a sense of class and distinction that is sadly lacking in most of today's pseudo celebrities.

Horne wasn't a pop culture giant while I was growing up. Still, a person of my generation had a good chance of seeing her perform on the television box, and more importantly hearing her and being exposed to her music. It makes me sad that she is gone (though she had a long and successful life) and that artists like her are a dying breed -- giving way to the Lady Gagas of the world.

Life is short, short brother
Ain't it the truth
And there is no other
Ain't it the truth
You've got to rock that rainbow
While you've still got your youth
Ain't it the solid truth

tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, music, movie, Lena Horne, Lady Gaga, Ain't It the Truth

hokey pokey

A few weeks ago I received the following email from my little brother in North Dakota (or as I call it, NoDak):

We still haven't had any snow since May, but I'm not ready to rule it out.

I raised the question to Dad about the origin of the phrase "rule of thumb" when you guys were here for G's Baptism. Since then I have been exposed to another phrase that I need help with.

"Don't buy a pig in a poke"

I understand this to mean: Don't buy some thing (or idea) until you know exactly what you are getting."

But what is the connection?

Ah yes, perplexing questions indeed. Luckily I was well equipped (or at least quipped) to answer.

Here's the email I sent in reply:

Re: Your question about the "Pig in a Poke."

As you may know, I'm a bit of an expert on word origins. You might say I'm a cunning linguist. Anyway, I thought I'd finally respond by bringing my considerable brain power to bear on your question.

Like many modern expressions, the phrase "don't buy a pig in a poke" is a linguistic hand-me-down from our Middle Ages English forefathers (and foremothers).

Back in jolly old England, a "poke" was a kind of sack used generally to carry things around. Your typical lower-level medieval henchman, for example, might use it to carry around loot from his latest pillaging. A Shakespearean actor might use it for the conveyance of quill pens or frilly collars or Lee Press On Nails.

Serfs and peasants were big users of pokes. Dentally-challenged farmers would use them to carry potatoes, cabbages and other produce to market in the local village where they would barter and trade for necessities brought by dentally-challenged English merchants -- things like cloth, tools, deodorant and the like.

This was a pretty good system, and worked fairly well as a rule -- so long as everyone followed the unwritten social contracts of middle-age England. The problem, of course, arose when certain not-so-savory individuals tried to game the system.

These individuals, these rubes (who, we can assume, were the forefathers of energy company executives and mortgage loan brokers) often tried to cheat the unsuspecting peasant out of hard-earned cabbage by trying to pass off a nasty, feral cat as a nice tasty pig.

So the trusting peasant would trade his cabbage for a "pig in a poke" expecting a nice dinner of ham and back bacon, only to find a big sour puss in the bag when he got it home.

Of course, the English peasant being no fool, word quickly got around that you shouldn't "buy a pig in a poke." You should first look in the bag and make sure you're getting the pork and not the shaft.

And, as proverbs tend to do, the advice came to mean you should seriously look into any statement made by sellers of pork (including energy company execs and mortgage loan brokers).

And that's... One To Grow On^®

tagged: language, England, pig in a poke, Skilling, idiom, feral cat

In which I get punked by identity thieves

It was the damnedest thing.

When I received a mysterious package from BOMC2, I just kind of chalked it up to some kind of marketing gimmick. When I want a book, my first stop is Half Price Books on Metcalf. If I can't find it there, I hit up Amazon.

But a book club? Hmmm, I don't think so. But feel free to send me a comp copy.

Like I said, I sort of dismissed the book as an unsolicited marketing ploy to try to get me to join the club, that is until a few days later when another mysterious package arrived for me.

This time, it contained a selection of Gevalia coffees along with a note reading "Here is your first order. Your credit card has been charged $9.95. We hope you enjoy this selection of delicious Gevalia Gourmet blah blah blah..."

So now I'm thinking something strange is afoot. Two mysterious, unsolicited packages arrive at my door in less than a week? Something smells fishy, and this time it's not Meesha's nipples.

I call the customer service number listed on the Gevalia shipping invoice and say, "Yo, what up biotch! I di'int order this sheeeat!"

We discuss the matter for a few minutes and I learn that the order was charged to one of my credit cards. I make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that I don't want the coffee subscription and please cancel the account and any future orders.

Next I call my credit card company and, after navigating the IVR menu for a few minutes, I get the fraud department. I learn that the book and the coffee are two of three unauthorized charges to my account, the third being a $10 charge to Blockbuster.com.

I get everything straightened out with Credit Card Co. They suspend the account, lock down the number and order me up a couple of new cards (one for me, one for the missus). We rarely use the cards, which really is what allowed us to catch these recent charges as the red flags that they are.

But I do have some lingering questions, like just what the hell is going on here? I hardly ever use the card, so how did the perpetrator(s) get the number? If this is some kind of credit card theft, why buy only three items, each of which is only ten bucks or less? And why have the items shipped to my address?

So I concluded that I've either been hit by retarded identity thieves, or I'm being punked by some joker who thought it would be funny send me goofy stuff that I didn't really want. Thing is, books and coffee aren't as funny as, oh, I don't know, a new iPod.

Whatever the case, let this be a warning to you kids to keep an eye on your credit card statements. Check your balances regularly and if you find anything suspicious in your mailbox, be sure to panic first and ask questions later.

And that's... One to Grow On^®

tagged: credit card, fraud, BOMC2, Gevalia, Blockbuster, Half Price Books

Package deal

I don't know about you, but I have a huge economic stimulus package.

I was admiring it the other day after taking it out of its wrapping. If you’re single, and you don’t have kids, chances are your economic stimulus package is no where near as big as mine.

Don’t feel bad though. Not everyone is endowed with such a large economic stimulus package. If you happen to have a small economic stimulus package, I hear there a many programs out there that can help you make the most of it.

For example, I saw an ad on The Home Depot website a couple of days ago saying they could help you stretch your economic stimulus package. It probably means buying one of their cheap hoes, so I won’t be taking advantage of that (let’s face it, I’m too old and dignified for that sort of thing). But it might be an option for some of you.

You can also get your stimulus package to last longer by going to Branson, Mo. According to their website, they are offering a number of services to extend your economic stimulus package.

Personally, I'll be giving my full economic stimulus package to my Supermodel Wife. She is particularly talented at getting the most out of my economic stimulus package. I actually enjoy the experience of having her take hold of the economic stimulus package and putting it to good use.

Regardless of the size of your economic stimulus package, it's important to remember that it's there to be enjoyed. And don't forget, the entire country is counting on all of us making use our economic stimulus packages.

So even if you have a tiny economic stimulus package, don't just leave it tucked away in a dark place somewhere gathering dust. Take it out and enjoy it.

tagged: economy, economic, stimulus, package, tax, Home Depot, Branson

Cleared for takeoff

The corporate travel group at work sent out an email recently to apprise me of a great corporate perk.

We all had the chance to sign up for a service that will allow us to bypass security lines at most major airports around the country.

If you've flown recently, you've probably seen the booths for this company, Clear, popping up at airports near you. I've seen them in San Francisco, Atlanta and New York.

I only travel two or three times a year, but after my most recent experience at the Atlanta airport my interest in such a service was piqued. Who needs, thought I, a four hour security ordeal?

So I nibble on the bait sent out in the email and go to the Clear website for more info. The price, $130 bucks, is a bit steep, especially for a infrequent traveler like myself. My company wouldn't pick up the expense, but I might be able to justify it anyway based on some vacation travel we're planning for later in the year.

So I read on, and here's where they lose me.

Part of the "enrollment" process is that you have to give at least two pieces of approved government-issued identification to some stranger at one of their airport kiosks. Also, you have to voluntarily allow them to capture images of your irises and fingerprints, as well as a photograph.

So you're basically paying $130 to add your ID (finger prints and retinal scan) to a database that you can be damn sure will get into government hands -- maybe added to a list of some kind?

Now my knowledge of history isn't as good as, say, a San Francisco free-Tibet hippie freak, but I'm pretty sure that this kind of list would be similar to the kinds of list that people with names like Hitler and Stalin used.

And even if I'm wrong on that count, I KNOW that this kind of thing has been a significant concept in all kinds of post-apocalyptic dystopian literature and movies.

Look, I'm too paranoid to even use my real name on an inconsequential blog read by a bunch of losers (no, not you, you're the cool one). I'm still trying to figure out how to stop the NSA from tracking my Google searches. I need to focus on making sure my own government isn't using the British traffic cameras to spy on me.

There's no way a tinfoil hat-wearing, government-not-trusting, X-Files-believing suspicious sunuvabich like me is going to freely turn over my freaking retinal scan to the gubmint!

Don't even waste my time.

Now, I gotta go renew my Hen House shopper rewards card.

tagged: clear, privacy, travel, retina scan, San Francisco, New York, Atlanta

(No hippie)

I'm really looking forward to Saturday morning. It will be my chance to jettison some personal detritus that has been taking up space in my basement and weighing on my mind.

About a year ago, our Aiwa home theater tuner burned out. A few months earlier out ink jet printer shot craps. Both items have survived a garage sale or two (evidently nobody wants to buy broken junk) and the dumpster.

You see, even though I'm not a damn dirty hippie I just can't bring myself to toss those old useless electronics into the trash. I mean, I dropped a nice wad of bills for those things, and I have to believe there's still some value left in them.

So for the last few months they've been sitting in a corner of my basement, taking up valuable space that could be better used in my basement pot-growing enterprise.

But Saturday, that will change.

The city of Overland Park is having an electronics recycling event at Shawnee Mission North High School (7401 Johnson Drive). You can bring old computers, keyboards, mice, VCRs (what the hell are those?), stereo equipment, scanners, printers and electronic vibrating anal plugs (Chimpo), and they'll take them off your hands free of charge.

According to the press release, OP collected 62,000 pounds (that's 3 Jason Whitlocks!) worth of recyclable crap at last year's event.

Here's a little more info

Electronic devices can contain significant amounts of hazardous or toxic substances.

Cathode ray tubes found in most computer monitors and TVs contain significant amounts of lead while other equipment may contain mercury, cadmium, chromium and other heavy metals. When electronic devices are disposed of, these pollutants may pose environmental risks.

So if you're trying to be more ecological by living like a caveman for an hour, or keeping your ill-gotten cash (you capitalist pigdog scum!) in a plastic billfold, or even rooting through your own filth for recyclables everyday, why not add electronics recycling to your hippie lifestyle?


tagged: recycle, electronics, hippie, Jason Whitlock, ecology, Overland Park, environmentalist

Thank God it's Pi Day

I had started a post about this the other day but I nearly forgot to publish it.

Can you imagine the calamity it would have caused if I would have celebrated Pi on 3/14 and all of the circles in the world suddenly had to correct the ratio of their circumference to their diameter? It would have been pandelerium I tells ya.

Thankfully, May jogged my memory and I can now happily report that my birthday is in the top 500,000 digits of Pi.

Also, I hereby challenge you all to test your Pi knowledge in the Pi triva challenge.

But first, check out this music video for a refresher course.



tagged: Pi, Pi Day, mathematics, science

3AM Poll: Spitzer swallows

Every blogger and their dog has an opinion (generally a low one) of the actions of former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.

If only he would have checked with the Inkernetz before dropping 80-large on "personal gratification services" over the past few years. We could have helped him. All that is water under the Chappaquiddick causeway. But in the interest of helping future philanderers, this week's poll focuses on alternatives that Gov. Spitzer could have pursued.



*For you who read this in an RSS reader, you'll have to go tot he actual blog post to benefit from all of the juicy cleverness and cast your vote.

tagged: Eliot Spitzer, Chappaquiddick, cigar, intern, Kansas City, Johnson County massage parlor, prostitute

Good idea, bad idea

Good Idea: Cutting up your old, expired credit cards into tiny pieces before throwing them away so as to avoid being the victim of identity fraud.

Bad Idea: Accidentally getting your thumb in the way of scissors as you slice said cards -- the very thumb you had nearly destroyed in the Christmas Eve Massacre of 2007.

tagged: credit cards, scissors, thumb, cut, accident

YouTube Tuesday: Put the smooth in smoothie

For some reason I feel like I need a cigarette after watching this.

It's the latest in a series of online short-form videos from your friendly neighborhood cell phone company. Edgy, no?



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, quickie, banana, peel, smoothie, blender

The More You Know: Lebanon, Kansas

Here's a fun Kansas fact: The geographic center of the "lower 48" United States is just a couple miles outside of Lebanon, KS.

We visited the village of Lebanon during our road trip last weekend to pick up our yearly supply of beef. For the last few years, (I discussed this in a previous post) we have been buying our own, custom-grown beef.

I just feel better about avoiding the corporate feedlot industry. You know, cutting down on the risk of residual growth hormones and estrogen, antibiotics, mad cow disease and the like. Check out this article and you'll see what I mean.

Plus, at about two bucks a pound, it makes economic sense. And I don't think any illegal aliens will lose their jobs because of little old me.

Anyway we picked up our beef in Lebanon, which I discovered from the picture on the grain elevator is also known for growing wheat and corn dogs.
tagged: Lebanon, Kansas, beef, wheat, corn dogs, mad cow, hormones

Your chance to help

We received this announcement in an email from the K-State Alumni Association.

Apparently, Pizza Huts in Kansas will donate 20 percent of purchases tomorrow to the United Way Greensburg Disaster Fund if you mention the fund when you order. This fundraiser applies to all dine-in, carry-out or delivery orders.

So if you're like me and wondering what you can do to help, here's your chance. And you could munch on some bread sticks to boot.

Here's a story on fund-raising efforts, and here's the info we received (click to embiggen):

tagged: Greensburg, Kansas, tornado, United Way, Pizza Hut, rund raiser, KSU, K-Sate, alumni

The More You Know: What's that smell?

The next time you're in Houston and you smell something terrible, it might be a dude roasting his ex-girlfriend on his balcony.

But just to be sure, here's a primer from The Slate on what to look smell for

Burning muscle tissue gives off an aroma similar to beef in a frying pan, and body fat smells like a side of fatty pork on the grill. But you probably won't mistake the scent of human remains for a cookout. That's because a whole body includes all sorts of parts that we'd rarely use for a regular barbecue. For example, cattle are bled after slaughter, and the beef and pork we eat contain few blood vessels. When a whole human body burns, all the iron-rich blood still inside can give the smell a coppery, metallic component. Full bodies also include internal organs, which rarely burn completely because of their high fluid content; they smell like burnt liver. Firefighters say that cerebrospinal fluid burns up in a musky, sweet perfume.

tagged: smell, human, flesh, burning

Halloween hangover

Ingredients:

• 1 Headcold
• overdose of cold medicine
  
• way too much of my kid's candy
  
• visiting Matt and Andrea and drinking Matt's Porto
  
• staying up too late, getting up too early

Mix in equal parts. Enjoy.