Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Guest Post: TSA is here to protect the ingrates

As you know, from time to time I'll post guest editorials about various topical subjects. These guest posts do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the editorial staff of 3 AM. Today's guest post is from Nathan R. Jessep, a mid-level Transportation Security Administration agent, in response to recent criticism of the agency's aggressive screening tactics.
What? So a few prissy travelers in their faggoty business suits think I'm invading THEIR privacy? That's funny! That's a joke!

You want the truth? You want the TRUTH!? You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has airports, and those airports have to be guarded by men with latex gloves. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Mr. Jillette?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! You weep for your groped genitals and you curse the TSA. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the groping of your private parts, while tragic, probably saves lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives!

You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about on your blogs and on Twitter, you want me in that airport! You need me in your underwear! We use words like "bend over", "spread 'em", "cop a feel". We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something.

You use them as a punchline!

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a country that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very safety that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said "Thank you," grabbed a tissue to wipe your tears, and went on your way.

Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a body cavity search kit, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

You fuckin' people. You have no idea how to defend an airport. All you'll do with your National Opt Out Day is weaken the illusion of safety that I provide. That's all you'll do. You'll put people's lives in danger.

Sweet dreams, son.

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  1. I don't know what's the most stunning fact: That our government thinks it can completely toss the Fourth Amendment's protections against government intrusions into our very persons, or that so many people are willing to put up with it. Thus, we see how tyranny is made. One small indignity after another.

    That is, unless you"re a Muslim.

  2. Americans want it both ways. We want to be safe and we don't want any inconvenience or infringement of our rights from those who feel they are trying to keep us safe. (Same with taxes and services. Heaven forbid our roads be in disrepair even as we scream about taxes.) I do not agree with the TSA approach but they are responding to public demands for increased safety. We need to decide what we value more and then make that very clear to those in government.

  3. [We need to decide what we value more and then make that very clear to those in government.]

    The fourth amendment of the US Constitution is pretty clear. TSA is a government agency, and has to abide by that document. The founding fathers intent in writings other than the Constitution makes their intent clear. "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.".

  4. I always opt out of the body scan; us old fat guys gots to get our jollies wherever.

    UNfortunately it doesn't normally work; the TSA agents rarely want to feel me, pat me down.

    Perhaps I appear too eager? If so it's just junior high all over again.


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