Fear and Loathing in The OP

“We are turning into a nation of whimpering slaves to Fear—fear of war, fear of poverty, fear of random terrorism, fear of getting down-sized or fired because of the plunging economy, fear of getting evicted for bad debts or suddenly getting locked up in a military detention camp on vague charges of being a Terrorist sympathizer.” — Extreme Behavior in Aspen, February 3, 2003

tagged: Hunter S. Thompson, culture, quote

Guest Post: TSA is here to protect the ingrates

As you know, from time to time I'll post guest editorials about various topical subjects. These guest posts do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the editorial staff of 3 AM. Today's guest post is from Nathan R. Jessep, a mid-level Transportation Security Administration agent, in response to recent criticism of the agency's aggressive screening tactics.

What? So a few prissy travelers in their faggoty business suits think I'm invading THEIR privacy? That's funny! That's a joke!

You want the truth? You want the TRUTH!? You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has airports, and those airports have to be guarded by men with latex gloves. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Mr. Jillette?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! You weep for your groped genitals and you curse the TSA. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the groping of your private parts, while tragic, probably saves lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives!

You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about on your blogs and on Twitter, you want me in that airport! You need me in your underwear! We use words like "bend over", "spread 'em", "cop a feel". We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something.

You use them as a punchline!

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a country that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very safety that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said "Thank you," grabbed a tissue to wipe your tears, and went on your way.

Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a body cavity search kit, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

You fuckin' people. You have no idea how to defend an airport. All you'll do with your National Opt Out Day is weaken the illusion of safety that I provide. That's all you'll do. You'll put people's lives in danger.

Sweet dreams, son.

tagged: TSA, travel, security, screening, airport, Nathan R. Jessep, satire

Guest Post: November 5

Greetings, Internet.

Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine — the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke.

But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat.

There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power.

Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission.

How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable. But again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.

I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high government. It promised you order, it promised you safety, and all it demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent.

Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I wrote this blog post, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked.

But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.

tagged: V, politics, Fifth of November, pop culture, Bill of Rights

Guest Post: The Punxsutawney Power Principle

Today's post comes to us courtesy of MalcomSmith, a frequent poster on the KATG forums. This post was inspired by a conversation amongst some of the more politically inclined on the forums. I post it here (with permission of course) for your consideration.

I am beginning to wonder whether our intrepid young President hasn't already squandered every last bit of his once copious political capital? The prodigal POTUS?

And it appears the Republicans, the reigning maestros of of media manipulation, have already socked away all the malicious material they need to deliver a sound trouncing in November.

Is the Obama Presidency toast?

I think Obama's media presence is indicative of his political profligacy. For example, Obama has violated the Punxsutawney Power Principle. Every year, once a year, Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his rat hole or tree stump or whatever, and millions are held in rapt attention anxiously awaiting his meteorological prognostications... then they all party.

Now, were fat Phil to emerge say once a quarter, or once a month, or once a week, how much attention would we pay him? Would there be Groundhog Days? Would there be parties? Would there be a Punxsutawney Phil?

Or, would he be but another rotund rodent?

The Punxsutawney Power Principle hypothesizes that power is inversely proportionate to media saturation. Obama is everywhere, all day, every day. The PPP is but one way in which our precocious POTUS has thus diluted his mojo.

Some might say so what? As long as he's getting things done who cares if he's overexposed?

But, he's not getting needed legislation passed. That's the point. His message is diluted to meaninglessness. He should have been more parsimonious.

Obama doesn't get what the Republicans have known for years: You've got to catapult the propaganda. Americans function on heuristic soundbites. His message is too diffuse, too broad, too vague.

His message is missing its mark.

Brother B-rock needs to focus. He needs to prioritize his goals, assess the resources he has available to achieve those goals, and then direct those resources towards those goals in the most efficient and effective manner possible.

I would like him to spend his time on the economy, Iraq and Afghanistan, and health care; and he's in the Rose Garden with Gates, Crowley, and Biden... piling up the video library for conservative campaign swift-boat hatchet men.

How's that image work: Picture of the soldier with his guts blown out, juxtaposed to Obama drinking beers, bowling, dancing, cooing with babies, and playing B-ball with Reggie Love?

---

You do the math...

Obama won against an old man and a crazy coo coo woman. He did not beat a legitimate Republican candidate.

Some would submit that the Republicans never intended to win the '08 election. You'd be crazy to take on the $#&* Obama inherited. No politician could fix that $%^&. Better to sit it out, and let the Democrats take the lumps, then point out the problems and swoop in to the rescue.

The Republicans conceded the race.

Now, think about the baggage: Obama is a black Democrat + Iraq + Afghanistan + Gitmo + the health care fiasco + the bailout fiasco + the czars + the $%^&&! economy + the Democrat congress disaster + no bin Laden + GM + too-big-to-fail banks are bigger than before + etc., etc., etc. Could he have won with this stuff on his resume? No way.

This is what Obama is up against and he chooses Geithner and Larry Summers.

It's not a question as to whether or not he's going down, it's a question as to whether or not he can pull out of the dive before he hits the tarmac.

tagged: Obama, Punxsutawney , presidency, Reggie Love, economy, politics

Guest Post: Remembrance of Michael Jackson

Today's guest editorial is contributed by Dr. Perry Cox.

As a solo artist Mike Jackson (he was 50 years old people, stop calling him Michael, Mikey, Mick and Jacko), really only had two albums that were even reheeheeeeemotely listenable, and the last one came out more than 25 years ago.

Aside from that, let's face it, he was only famous for being a pedophile cosmetic surgery train wreck adored by -- if anyone -- a legion of 12-year-old girls and overly effeminate medical interns.

Now I don't mean to be harsh, but I just can't shake the feeling that our country has a lot more important stuff to worry about right now. Iiiiiiin fact, why don't I just rattle off a few things that I care more about than Mike Jackson.

Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions... Oh! And Hugh Jackman.

tagged: Michael Jackson, Scrubs, Perry Cox, Grammys, pop culture

Guest Post: How to Turn Beef into Gold

Today's post comes from probably the wisest person in the world, my dad.

This is but the latest bit of knowledge I have received from him, which learning goes back to when I was 8 years old helping Dad with some plumbing and he enlightened me with the wisdom that "Shit don't flow uphill." Oh how I've observed this principal in action many times since.

Anyway, this latest lesson came when I requested his recipe for cooking a couple of beef briskets I've had in my freezer for a while. You see, among Dad's many talents are his skills as a chef. He's a true da Vinci of da grill, the Botticelli of Boston Butts, a veritable Frank Lloyd Wright of ribs.

The man's an artist is what I'm tryin' to say.

So here, I share this priceless advice with you.

OK emawkc — here goes. Not all original, but I claim it as mine!!

You see my son, the medieval alchemist, who sought to turn base metals into gold, should have tried barbecuing a brisket on your Good-One Smoker. The transformation of the meat is on the same magnitude of magic but much more successful.

GRANDPA EMAW’S ONE-DERFUL RUB

1 cup paprika
¼ cup ground black pepper
¾ cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons garlic powder
2 tablespoons onion powder
2 teaspoons cayenne

Mix well. This should be enough for an 8 to 12 pound packer-trimmed beef brisket or two 6 pound brisket flats—might as well smoke both while you’ve got it hot.

The night before you plan to BBQ, combine the rub ingredients, and apply evenly to briskets, massaging it into every little pore. (Save a couple tablespoons of the rub). Place brisket in a plastic bag and refrigerate overnight.

Before you begin to BBQ, remove the brisket from the refrigerator, let sit at room temp. for 45 minutes.

Water the smoker, start the charcoal, bring temp to 220 to 240 degrees Fahrenheit.

Into a sauce pan poor a glass of wine (reserve remainder of bottle for use during CYO), ½ cup cider vinegar, ½ cup water, ¼ cup corn oil, ½ cup finely minced onion, a couple minced garlic cloves, and some Worcestershire sauce and at least a table spoon of GPA’S ODF Rub.

Warm up this mop on top of smoker after the meat in cooking—don’t boil.

Put the brisket on the rack toward the rear of the smoker with the fat sides up. Now would be a good time to notice which direction the grain of the meat is going. It will need to cook about 1½ hours per pound of the larger brisket.

After it’s been on for a couple hours start to baste the blackening hunk with the stuff from the saucepan—about once an hour or so.

Be sure to drink some of the reserved wine every time you put basting on the hunk—after all, you have to Control Your Outlook on the whole process.

After meat is cooked, how ever long it takes, let cool at room temp for 20 minutes, then slice very thinly against the grain, and serve.

So now grasshopper, you have the secret.

But remember these words of wisdom: BBQ is only incidentally cooking, and one should avoid, as much as possible, confusing the two. BBQ is play—serious, mind-concentrating, important- risk- running, even exhausting--anything in fact, except a chore.

tagged: barbecue, brisket, Boston Butt, da Vinci, Frank Lloyd Wright, Botticelli, cooking

FWD: How to argue effectively

I've been having an email "discussion" with one of my fake-hippy "moonbat" friends about a topic of the political genre (details unimportant for his post).

This guy prides himself on his arguing abilities. When I told him he was full of shite, he sent me the following to explain his arguing techniques.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.

If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date.

But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.

DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."

Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?"

Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Qua
• So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples to oranges.
• What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong.

Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

tagged: humor, argue, how to, email