Initial results

Yes, Mr. Zimmerman, we've had our best people crunching through your data and I just wanted to schedule this quick call to present some of our initial findings. Please take a look at the attached spreadsheets…

Updating the classics...

This is going to be meaningless to the massive set of the population who don't know what Kodachrome is, or even what "film" photography is, or who Paul Simon is. But, hey...

When I look back on all the crap I've watched on YouTube
It's a wonder I can blink at all
And though my lack of punctuation hasn't hurt me none
I still read updates on your Facebook wall

Instagram
It give us those weirdo filters
like the world is out of kilter
make you thing something's wrong with your camera's lens, oh yeah!

I got an iPhone camera
I love to take a selfie shot
So mama don't take my Instagram away.

If you took all the girls I met while browsing Snapchat
(I mean before I met my lovely wife)
I know they'd never match their sexy selfie profiles
Everyone look worse in real life.

YouTube Tuesday: Chimpnology

It might be a snow day for most of you, but I can't let a few little flecks of frozen water slow me down. I'm posting this quick video of all the work I've done already today.
I even had time to party a bit!
tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, dance, music, video, chimp, humor

A Salute to A-hole Driver in Prairie Village

3AM presents Real Men of Genius
Real Men of Genius!

Today we salute you... Mr. Douchey Entitled Prairie Village Teen Driver.
My daddy bought me bitchin' Honda!

You own Mission Road in your own mind, and you’re not afraid to prove it by texting your friends a selfie from the driver's seat every five minutes.
Yellow light means floor the accelerator…

You know nothing make you manlier than drag racing a cyclist. And when you swerve into the bike lane, you cockily yell "You're welcome!"
Eat my dust, stoopid cyclist!

And while your over-worked pops has to pay your speeding tickets and your higher insurance rates, being pulled over by the Prairie Village police every time you hit the road is something those Lancer chicks really dig.
They love the bad boy!

So wave the green flag and put the pedal to the metal, oh swoop-haired future ambulance occupant. Because even though you’ll never make it to Victory Lane, that over sized spoiler on your 1990s Honda looks really boss!

Mr. Douchey Entitled Prairie Village Teen Driver!

tagged: Kansas, Prairie Village, driving, teens, humor, salute

YouTube Tuesday: Wolverine: A Film By Woody Allen

"Now that I'm indestructible all I can worry about is sex."

tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, Wolverine, Woody Allen, parody, comedy, culture

YouTube Tuesday: I Vetoed

I just hope you knuckleheads made the right decision.

tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, video, Simpsons, Kodos, humor, politics

YouTube Tuesday: It all began with a god named Thor

Today's edition of YouTube Tuesday celebrates the good news that will send hipsters hopping all to way to Merriam in a couple of years.

Sure, every major city in the world already has an IKEA store, but how many metros are there that have an IKEA AND a Nebraska Furniture Mart? It's all part of my plan to make KC the furniture capital of the world!

The lyrics are even better...

tagged: Kansas City, Merriam, IKEA, Jonathan Coulton, YouTube Tuesday, video, music

Puntification

I don't know about you guys (and if you're one of those snobby foodie-types, I don't really care), but I really like Blue Koi.

We always get good service there. The owner and/or manager always greets us warmly. I like the noodles. I like the rice. I like the Awesome Sauce, and I really like the roast duck.

But this post isn't about food.

Like many food spots, Blue Koi displays work from a rotating roster of local artists. I like this idea in general, kind of an appetizer for your soul while you wait for your table. And I've never had a spiritual dish at Blue Koi that I didn't enjoy.

And a few months ago, there was a very tasty treat indeed.

On display in the entry way were canvases of crude cartoony characters doing various activities which didn't seem to make sense upon a brief initial glance. Because they were cartoons, and because we were with another couple with whom we were in conversation, I didn't pay them much attention. But when we were seated at out table (me, directly facing the painting) and awaiting our dinners after ordering, I had a little more time to study the images.

"Heard it through the grape vine"

I was looking at a group of what looked like The California Raisins. They were in a cave, with fire all around and a river of red liquid. They were holding devil's pitch forks. And in a moment it clicked. It's a visual representation of the idiomatic expression "Raisin Hell." Brilliant!

One by one I studied the dozen or so paintings on the wall with new interest. They're the work of Overland Park artist Joe Self, and before our table is served with entree's we're all studying the paintings with surprise and delight.

I honestly don't know how I'd never seen these before. The friendly manager at Blue Koi notes our interest, and brings us a couple of complimentary wall calendars featuring many of the visual puzzles. This is totally the kind of thing my dad would get into.

Self has made his paintings available for purchase at his website. At a minimum, you should buy a coupe of the wall calendars to pass around and keep in your cube. That's what I did.

See if you can solve this one!

tagged: art, pun, painting, Joe Self, Overland Park, Kansas, Humor

Messianic joe

For what it's worth, I predicted ages ago (and soon to be proved accurately) that Obama would be elected to a second term.

But as far as who will actually win the ? I'm with Jesus.

tagged: election, Romney, Obama, Jesus, satire, politics, humor

YouTube Tuesday: Drug

I like this fine little bit of scathing satire from Pineapple Shaped Lamps, a live theatre troupe based in Wilmington, NC., for a couple of reasons.

First, of course, is the aforementioned scathingness, and Truth sharpened to a fine razor's edge by Humor. But even more, I appreciate the ripping aside of the curtain of emotional manipulation that has become stereotypical of drug commercials.

Watch and enjoy, and call your doctor if your erection lasts longer than four hours.



tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, satire, Drug, parody, commercial, humor

YouTube Tuesday: Entrepreneurial

I had a meeting yesterday with a couple of guys from an interactive consultancy startup about some work I'm having done on the website form my evil lair. While I've had to edit out some of the critical information, I did record video of the meeting, and it's pretty damn entertaining if I do say so my damn self.



tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, video, start up, entrepreneur, humor, satire

YouTube Tuesday: The Audition

Today's edition of YouTube Tuesday brings one of the cutest, funniest brother/sister acts to hit the Internet since… well… ever.

John and Molly Get Along follows the adventures of John and Molly Knefel as they try to make it in New York. We pick it up in Episode 6 when Molly is auditioning for an off-off-off-Broadway play.



Enjoy the entire series at the John and Molly Get Along YouTube Channel.

tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, video, comedy, humor, John Knefel, Molly Knefel, John and Molly Get Along

YouTube Tuesday: Crime Cops

This video contains about twelve kinds of awesome. I mean, the parody and satire index of this thing is off the charts!

Well done, gentlemen.




tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, video, humor, Crime Cops, parody, satire, pop culture

Local gal makes good…satire

If, like me, you're a fan of the LOLz then you're probably a big fan of The Onion, America's finest satire source.

You might also have been eagerly anticipating the premier of Onion Sports Network's SportsDome on Comedy Central. And I'm assuming, since you're like me, that you have impeccable taste and a great sense of humor but nonetheless you were a little underwhelmed by the premier.

I don't know, I guess you just had really high expectations. Sure, you thought it had it's good moments, but I guess you just thought it fell a bit flat… if you're like me.

But that's not really what I wanted to focus on right now.

What I wanted to mention was that a featured part of SportsDome involved a former minor Kansas City demicelebrity.

You may know her as Melissa Wells… here reporting on the city of St. Louis conferring dictator-for-life status upon slugger Albert Pujols.

Onion SportsDome

The actress playing sports announcer Melissa Wells is none other than former Kansas City resident Danyelle Sargent. You may remember her as an actual non-satirical sports reporter for Time Warner Cable-Kansas City's Metro Sports, or perhaps as the sideline reporter for the sucktacular Kansas City Chiefs in 2004.

But, chances are that if you remember her at all, it's probably more for the on-air f-bomb she dropped after climbing the broadcast ladder to a desk spot at ESPN. it was a huge Internet sensation…


It seems that little slip, followed by a later on-air gaffe during an interview with Mike Singletary cost her a promising career in real sportscasting. But I'm not her to throw stones. I mean, hey, I pretty much live with my foot in my mouth.

I actually think working in the satirical news is a step up from ESPN. Maybe not money-wise, hell it is Comedy Central after all. But in terms of respect and meaning, I consider satire a higher calling than lame-ass sports reporting.

Plus, it gives her a chance to make fun of those smug bastards at ESPN who fired her.

tagged: The Onion, SportsDome, Comedy Central, Melissa Wells, Danyelle Sargent, Kansas City, pop culture, media

Another major award!

When you've been around as long as I have and you're as awesome as I am, you kind of get used to all of the accolades and laurels thrown your way.

And I'm not just referring to all of the spelling and typing awards I've won. For example, at last year's company picnic, I was given the award for Most Visible Scalp. At a previous place of employment, I won the Steve Forbes look-alike contest we had. And let us not forget my hard-earned victory in the Try-County Calamari Eating Contest of 1998. I know I still haven't.

So while I'm accustomed to winning great awards, it's still a nice surprise when, just out of the blue, a well known and prestigious organization decides to bestow yet another honor upon me.

Such was the case last week when I received the happy news from Emma Lee at Awardingtheweb.com that I, your meek humble correspondent, have been chosen as one of the Top 45 Humor Blogs on the entire internet.

Yo EmawKC, I'm real happy for you and I'mma let you finish writin' this blog post.

But I jes wanted to say that The816 is the funniest blog of all time.

OF ALL TIME!

Er. Ahem. Anyway,

Here's a bit of the email Emma Lee sent.

Dear Emawkc,

Congratulations! Emma Lee here, and your blog, 3 O'Clock AM, has received our 2010 Top 45 Humor Blogs award!

You can see your name amongst our winners here at: www.onlinemba.com/top_humor/#3_OClock_AM

Winners were chosen through a scoring system led by internet nominations,
which came from your reader base!

Now, I never really was able to discern what the scoring system was, or whether this was just some kind of trumped up scheme to get me to link to their website. I don't think that's really relevant to this discussion anyway.


What is relevant is that this is probably the biggest award I've received since Time Magazine declared me to Person of the Year in 2006.

If you want an autograph, please request one in the comments section.

tagged: blog, blogging, major award, humor, spam, suck up

Everybody's French

Just a quick note to say Happy Bastille Day to all my French friends, and Francophile friends, and Rush fans.


tagged: France, image, humor, resistance, vive la resistance

Monday punch

Ever have one of those days?




tagged: Monday, punch, blood, humor, animated gif

Surely some revelation is at hand

Uncle Nick was kind enough to point out one of the money quotes from the ongoing Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission hearings headed by Phil Angelides (a Democrat from California, which has one of the brokest-ass budgets in the country, so you know this guy has the fiscal street cred).

Here's the quote:

Wall Street is in effect selling cars with faulty brakes, and then taking out insurance on the buyers.

The statement was directed at Lloyd Blankfein, chairman of the board and chief executive officer of Goldman Sachs (and budding Bond Villian). Remember, this is the same Goldman Sachs that was making $100 million a day just a few months after taking a $20 billion bailout payment from you and me.

Just to make sure that sinks in, they were bringing in 100,000,000 dollars A DAY.

Anyway, Blofeld's Blankfein's response to the quote above was basically "I don't see anything wrong with that."

The temerity of these bank executives during the hearings would be comical if it weren't so enraging. C-Span has video of the hearing on their website. If you feel the need for a quick hit of Hulk rage, I highly suggest you watch. Skip through the first 40 minutes or so since that's just the bankers reading their prepared PR statements.

In the meantime, here's an example of why The Onion is the smartest news source. EVAR. Jon Stewart is getting his ass kicked by these guys.



In The Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?
tagged: politics, economy, bailouts, The Onion, Doomsday Cycle, Goldman Sachs, Lloyd Blankfein, Phil Angelides, humor, satire

We only roast the ones we love

Today is a big, big day in our little corner of the blogiverse. It's a day we honor one of our own. One Mr. Xavier Onassis is coming face-to-face yet again with another year of his seemingly eternal misery.

Although we know today is his birthday (he's told us as much) nobody knows for sure how old XO actually is. We sent a DNA sample away for carbon dating (kudos to Keith for obtaining the sample, that couldn't have been pleasant) and the result pegged his birth to sometime in the late Triassic.

But today we come not to praise XO, but to bury him. A few of his best online friends have come together to present this bloggy birthday present.

Happy B-Day XO! Here's your Virtual Birthday Roast!!



You know how this works. We all submitted a few short remembrances of our favorite stories about XO. For example, there's the time when a slightly less geezery Xavier Onassis yelled at Moses to "Get off my lawn, ya' damn kids!"

In fact, Xavier Onassis is so old, he calls Walt Bodine "sonny."

Anyway, I don't want to hog the stage. Let me surrender the dais to some other people who have contributed their thoughts. Just remember, it's all done out of respect.

We kid, because we love.

"XO is still trying to figure out how to tweet with his abacus!"

-- Logtar

XO amazes me! Have you seen his balls? They're spiked. Really! I've seen photos. I bet they clang when he walks."

-- Spyder

"Legend in Ireland has it that Xavier Onassis was the model for all the Old World carved phallic stones, but he left for the New World when the Christians came and started carving crosses on every phallus they saw"

-- Eolaí gan Fhéile

Absolutely Feisty says...
XO... Okay... I LUMI XO too much to ever provide you with an insult... but I will say this... XO IS the best friend I have ever had in my life. I am a better person for having met him. I consider myself a lucky person to know him. I tried all day to find an insult.. and as much as I do insult him in person... regularly =) Today, I am short of those words. I appreciate every fiber in his being.

okay... wait. lol I can't be the only one who doesn't have an insult... lol how about this...

XO is SO old... the only gift he could think to ask for was a video of Woodstock, as if those were the BEST days ever, and I'm not even sure in what city Woodstock was held... maybe my mom knows?"

Muddy Mo says ...
XO's idea of an exciting night is to sit and watch his leg fall asleep.

I was so impressed when I first met XO. He seemed so life-like.

XO is so old, his favorite porn download is "Debby Does Dialysis".

When XO dreams, everyone has @ symbols where faces should be.

People don’t invite XO out anymore — they go without him and livetweet him about it.

Shane says...
Eve's original sin: She was XO's first wife.

XO's an atheist. As a Christian, I'd have a problem with that but then again, he's old enough that he was around for the Creation, so he would know..."

from Meesha...

Nightmare says...
XO was asked once "Boxers or Briefs?" he responded "Depends"

XO is so old that when he takes a walk in the park Trees salute him.

XO is an avid left wing anti Gun nut or as we like to call him.......Bait

Saying XO is a leftist liberal wing nut, not only is unfair to Wing nuts, but also means he is wrong.

XO is so cranky his hair died outta spite.

XO has a collection of Playboys dating back to when they were known as cave paintings.

XO was brought to the Florida Hospital ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient

“Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.

“Yes,” XO said.

“Remember what type of surgery was it?”

“I’m not sure,” XO said. “It was a long time ago.”

The physician noticed a scar on the right side of XO’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked.

“No,” said XO. “It was in Brooklyn.”

Cara says...
I'm not saying XO is old, but damn has he had his share of wives. When his first wife used to say, "get out the plastic" he'd get out a condom. When his second wife said, "get out the plastic" he'd get out his credit card. Now when a woman says "get out the plastic" he gets out his bed sheets.

from Doc...
It is said that one of the most unexpected things that happens to a man is old age. perhaps that's just a perspective thing: reading X.O. you just know he was old loooooong ago, perhaps as long as 20 years ago...when he was 40.

from what Spyder says, X.O.'s aging with a vengeance: first he just forgot the occasional name; next it was faces, followed closely by asses. Then, so Spyder swears, he started forgetting to pull up his zipper. Now he has now forgotten to pull it down...

Orwell once said that at 50 every man has the face he deserves. if that is the case, X.O must be ashamed of his. why else would he post an image of himself on his blog from 30 years ago?

but enough with the insults, a piece or two of advice, X.O. i barely remember when I turned 54. it is nowhere as bad as I had thought . sure, all of a sudden i had many, many little lit rooms inside my head, and people in them, acting out various conversations, plays and memories. that was the fun part. and, eventually, i got used to the fact that i knew all these people, but just couldn't quite put names to them. you'll adapt also. after all, as bush was heard to mumble between misunderestimating children books to himself, "Old age is no place for sissies."

Many happy returns on the day...as far as you know.

from Nuke718...

No wonder why XO is single, I have seen no picture of him with women but I HAVE seen a picture of him with The Batmobile.

I'd pick on XO's age, but with that many digits it is too easy a target.

If we all pooled our nickles and dimes we could buy XO a dream present for his birthday, a trip to space. One way. I didn't say it was HIS dream present.

from Midtown Miscreant...

When emaw asked me to take part in this Eulogy, I jumped at the chance to say a few words over XO....What's that? He's not dead? Shit, and here I thought I wouldn't have to suffer through another, "Why conservatives suck" posts.

What can you say about a guy who is over a half a century old, who once drove an Ice Cream Truck, plays with swords, heh, and has been known to wear tights and a cape? I've checked the sex offender registry, so I can say "he's clean", at least in Missouri.

All kidding aside, Xo is a generous guy. I met him for lunch a couple of times. He left the waitress 50 cents and a jesus fish with the head bitten off.

And don't even get me started about XO and his Obama love fest. If XO was any more infatuated with the President, the Secret Service would have him under surveillance.

And lonely! Jaysus christ, this is one lonely fucker. Ladies, hookers, short balding men, send him an email. If I have to suffer through another of his Dating Website posts, I'll remove my eyes with a spoon. At one point he thought he had made a love connection. Her name was Lena. She had a wooden leg with a kickstand on it, a Star Wars Millennium Falcon tattoed on her ass, and was a card carrying member of the World Socialist Party. Then he found out she was also packin a light saber. XO don't play that, at least not since that drunken transgender drum circle back in the 70's.

I kid. Happy Birthday XO. Here's hoping you get everything you have coming to you, even if it means more taxes for the rest of us.

from Chris Packham...
I want to descend into old age gracefully, or at the very least not with a wet, farty splat on the pavement accompanied by a clattering spill of loose dentures and insulin injection paraphernalia. So I've been looking around for old-guy role models other than Colonel Sanders (I cannot tie a string tie) or computer-generated Orville Redenbacher (I cannot tie a bow tie). So when my grandchildren ask me why I'm wearing a Kangol hat with my Star Fleet dress uniform and my replica of Legolas' sword, the answer will pretty much be that George Clooney set way too high of an Old Guy standard and I had to lower my sights. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, X! --

from Erin...
XO is so old that the first time I met him he told me he would send me an Internet to tell me where his tube was in the series.

XO is so old he thought Tumblr was a dryer setting and Twitter was a part of the female anatomy.

XO is so old that back in his day kids didn't have computers, they just drew on the walls in their caves.

XO is so old that when AOL told him he had mail, he went outside to check.

So there you go, XO. We all did our best to make your birthday a memorable one. Sure, maybe you didn't get the Samurai sword or the Bugatti, but maybe next year.

At this time I would invite anyone else to say a few words of encouragement/condolence in the comments.



tagged: Happy Birthday, Xavier Onassis, roast, old, humor, XO loves George Bush

In her defense

Local blog (that also does a TV broadcast) KMBC posted a story last week about how Kansas City, Mo., ranks at the top of Forbes' America's Abandoned Cities list.

Forbes magazine analyzed the vacancy rate for rental properties and homes, and Kansas City came out as No. 1.

The vacancy rate for rentals in the metro area rose to 15 percent over the past year. The homeowner vacancy rate has nearly doubled to 3.8 percent.

Nationally, the average homeowner vacancy rate in the country's 75 largest cities improved to 2.7 percent, while the rental vacancy rate is at 10.2 percent.

Many local bloggers (I assume) took advantage of the report to launch another volley of vitriol at the KCMO's short comings, citing the daffy mayor and the political mess in city hall, the crumbling sewer and street infrastructure, the multiple missteps in business recruitment and development, the horrible pre-Renaissance quality of the school system, and the so-called "high" so-called "murder rate" of the city's east side.

And sure, if you only focus on the negative it's easy to come up with rationalizations for why people would leave KCMO's urban core.

But while everyone is kvetching about how bad thing are, let me just say that I enjoy KCMO. I think the town has a lot to offer. There are a couple of lovable sports teams in the Royals and Chiefs. Oh sure they may not win many games, but their bumbling and incompetent ways are endearing, like Otis the Drunk in the Andy Griffith show.

Speaking of bumbling and incompetent, KCMO's city council (and mayors, TIFF commissions, park boards, etc) is as entertaining and full of drama as Desperate Housewives, and almost as meaningful. If not for the hijinks of these various boards, councils and barefoot volunteers, most newspapers and bloggers in KCMO wouldn't have anything to writer about.

So I say cheers to Kansas City, Missouri. It may only be a suburb of Johnson County, but it's still one of my favorite places to visit on weekends and avoid during the week.

tagged: Kansas City, Forbes, suburb, Johnson County, Royals, Chiefs