Wednesday, September 16, 2009

We only roast the ones we love

Today is a big, big day in our little corner of the blogiverse. It's a day we honor one of our own. One Mr. Xavier Onassis is coming face-to-face yet again with another year of his seemingly eternal misery.

Although we know today is his birthday (he's told us as much) nobody knows for sure how old XO actually is. We sent a DNA sample away for carbon dating (kudos to Keith for obtaining the sample, that couldn't have been pleasant) and the result pegged his birth to sometime in the late Triassic.

But today we come not to praise XO, but to bury him. A few of his best online friends have come together to present this bloggy birthday present.

Happy B-Day XO! Here's your Virtual Birthday Roast!!

May your birthday find you and your loved ones happy and healthy or at least all quarantined together

You know how this works. We all submitted a few short remembrances of our favorite stories about XO. For example, there's the time when a slightly less geezery Xavier Onassis yelled at Moses to "Get off my lawn, ya' damn kids!"

In fact, Xavier Onassis is so old, he calls Walt Bodine "sonny."

Anyway, I don't want to hog the stage. Let me surrender the dais to some other people who have contributed their thoughts. Just remember, it's all done out of respect.

We kid, because we love.

"XO is still trying to figure out how to tweet with his abacus!"
-- Logtar

XO amazes me! Have you seen his balls? They're spiked. Really! I've seen photos. I bet they clang when he walks."
-- Spyder

"Legend in Ireland has it that Xavier Onassis was the model for all the Old World carved phallic stones, but he left for the New World when the Christians came and started carving crosses on every phallus they saw"
Absolutely Feisty says...
XO... Okay... I LUMI XO too much to ever provide you with an insult... but I will say this... XO IS the best friend I have ever had in my life. I am a better person for having met him. I consider myself a lucky person to know him. I tried all day to find an insult.. and as much as I do insult him in person... regularly =) Today, I am short of those words. I appreciate every fiber in his being.

okay... wait. lol I can't be the only one who doesn't have an insult... lol how about this...

XO is SO old... the only gift he could think to ask for was a video of Woodstock, as if those were the BEST days ever, and I'm not even sure in what city Woodstock was held... maybe my mom knows?"
Muddy Mo says ...
XO's idea of an exciting night is to sit and watch his leg fall asleep.

I was so impressed when I first met XO. He seemed so life-like.

XO is so old, his favorite porn download is "Debby Does Dialysis".

When XO dreams, everyone has @ symbols where faces should be.

People don’t invite XO out anymore — they go without him and livetweet him about it.
Shane says...
Eve's original sin: She was XO's first wife.

XO's an atheist. As a Christian, I'd have a problem with that but then again, he's old enough that he was around for the Creation, so he would know..."
from Meesha...
Nightmare says...
XO was asked once "Boxers or Briefs?" he responded "Depends"

XO is so old that when he takes a walk in the park Trees salute him.

XO is an avid left wing anti Gun nut or as we like to call him.......Bait

Saying XO is a leftist liberal wing nut, not only is unfair to Wing nuts, but also means he is wrong.

XO is so cranky his hair died outta spite.

XO has a collection of Playboys dating back to when they were known as cave paintings.

XO was brought to the Florida Hospital ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient

“Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.

“Yes,” XO said.

“Remember what type of surgery was it?”

“I’m not sure,” XO said. “It was a long time ago.”

The physician noticed a scar on the right side of XO’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked.

“No,” said XO. “It was in Brooklyn.”
Cara says...
I'm not saying XO is old, but damn has he had his share of wives. When his first wife used to say, "get out the plastic" he'd get out a condom. When his second wife said, "get out the plastic" he'd get out his credit card. Now when a woman says "get out the plastic" he gets out his bed sheets.
from Doc...
It is said that one of the most unexpected things that happens to a man is old age. perhaps that's just a perspective thing: reading X.O. you just know he was old loooooong ago, perhaps as long as 20 years ago...when he was 40.

from what Spyder says, X.O.'s aging with a vengeance: first he just forgot the occasional name; next it was faces, followed closely by asses. Then, so Spyder swears, he started forgetting to pull up his zipper. Now he has now forgotten to pull it down...

Orwell once said that at 50 every man has the face he deserves. if that is the case, X.O must be ashamed of his. why else would he post an image of himself on his blog from 30 years ago?

but enough with the insults, a piece or two of advice, X.O. i barely remember when I turned 54. it is nowhere as bad as I had thought . sure, all of a sudden i had many, many little lit rooms inside my head, and people in them, acting out various conversations, plays and memories. that was the fun part. and, eventually, i got used to the fact that i knew all these people, but just couldn't quite put names to them. you'll adapt also. after all, as bush was heard to mumble between misunderestimating children books to himself, "Old age is no place for sissies."

Many happy returns on the far as you know.
from Nuke718...

No wonder why XO is single, I have seen no picture of him with women but I HAVE seen a picture of him with The Batmobile.

I'd pick on XO's age, but with that many digits it is too easy a target.

If we all pooled our nickles and dimes we could buy XO a dream present for his birthday, a trip to space. One way. I didn't say it was HIS dream present.
from Midtown Miscreant...

When emaw asked me to take part in this Eulogy, I jumped at the chance to say a few words over XO....What's that? He's not dead? Shit, and here I thought I wouldn't have to suffer through another, "Why conservatives suck" posts.

What can you say about a guy who is over a half a century old, who once drove an Ice Cream Truck, plays with swords, heh, and has been known to wear tights and a cape? I've checked the sex offender registry, so I can say "he's clean", at least in Missouri.

All kidding aside, Xo is a generous guy. I met him for lunch a couple of times. He left the waitress 50 cents and a jesus fish with the head bitten off.

And don't even get me started about XO and his Obama love fest. If XO was any more infatuated with the President, the Secret Service would have him under surveillance.

And lonely! Jaysus christ, this is one lonely fucker. Ladies, hookers, short balding men, send him an email. If I have to suffer through another of his Dating Website posts, I'll remove my eyes with a spoon. At one point he thought he had made a love connection. Her name was Lena. She had a wooden leg with a kickstand on it, a Star Wars Millennium Falcon tattoed on her ass, and was a card carrying member of the World Socialist Party. Then he found out she was also packin a light saber. XO don't play that, at least not since that drunken transgender drum circle back in the 70's.

I kid. Happy Birthday XO. Here's hoping you get everything you have coming to you, even if it means more taxes for the rest of us.
from Chris Packham...
I want to descend into old age gracefully, or at the very least not with a wet, farty splat on the pavement accompanied by a clattering spill of loose dentures and insulin injection paraphernalia. So I've been looking around for old-guy role models other than Colonel Sanders (I cannot tie a string tie) or computer-generated Orville Redenbacher (I cannot tie a bow tie). So when my grandchildren ask me why I'm wearing a Kangol hat with my Star Fleet dress uniform and my replica of Legolas' sword, the answer will pretty much be that George Clooney set way too high of an Old Guy standard and I had to lower my sights. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, X! --
from Erin...
XO is so old that the first time I met him he told me he would send me an Internet to tell me where his tube was in the series.

XO is so old he thought Tumblr was a dryer setting and Twitter was a part of the female anatomy.

XO is so old that back in his day kids didn't have computers, they just drew on the walls in their caves.

XO is so old that when AOL told him he had mail, he went outside to check.
So there you go, XO. We all did our best to make your birthday a memorable one. Sure, maybe you didn't get the Samurai sword or the Bugatti, but maybe next year.

At this time I would invite anyone else to say a few words of encouragement/condolence in the comments.

Happy birthday to someone I hope doesn't hog all the swine flu vaccine

tagged: , , , , ,


  1. These are great! I'm not good at roasting, and couldn't think of a thing to say about XO that would have fit in here; but these folks outdid themselves! (Especially the Miscreant.)

  2. I spent an entire afternoon thinking of clever ways to roast Mr. Onassis but came up dry. Though I wound up with no actual jokes, I did have a list of potential things to make fun of. A long list. It included ex-wives, old age, baldness, Batman, middle-aged and/or fictional women he wants to "tap," his undying allegiance to President Obama, Independence, Kangol hats, patchouli, conga drums, goatees, Social Media experts, #Twestival, the History Channel, pantslessness and lots more. This guy is a gold mine.

    So XO, I tried but the sentiment is the same: You're a goofy man but we all love ya anyway.

  3. awesome.

    Thanks, emaw, for doing this.

  4. Happy birthday to the best griller of peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwiches this side of Memphis.

  5. This had me laughing so hard!

    Well done Emaw!

  6. Yo XO! I know today's yo birfday and I'ma let you get back to bein' roasted, but Larry Moore is one of the oldest geezers of all time!

  7. Sorry I missed out on the fun of roasting XO. Since we're about the same age, I couldn't pile on with the age comments.

    I will say that when XO moved from Liberty to Independence, the average IQ of both places fell a couple points.

    (The people in Liberty will never figure that one out . . .)

  8. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one that had trouble coming up with something witty to add to the roast! These were all awesome. Well done, everyone!

    Happy birthday, XO! Hope you have a wonderful celebration!!!

  9. All I have to say is that my cat's ass hasn't been the same since he spent the weekend with the guy . . .

  10. Emaw, this was a great idea! Happy birthday to XO. He's one helluva guy, especially when he wears his tights.

  11. XO is so old he knew Thor the God of Thunder when he was still Torvald "Boom Boom" Jörgensen.

    But seriously, folks, XO represents for me what's best about this crazy old USA: unabashed curiosity, deep skepticism, unironic optimism, a zest for calling bullshit and a willingness to admit he's wrong and change his course. Oh, and a profound love of pork products.

    And you might infer from this that emaw represents everything worst, but that's a different birthday.

  12. Crap! I crafted a response to each and everyone of your roasts and comments but blogger says

    "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Must be at most 4,096 characters"

    It's no secret, I am one verbose sumbitch.

    So I guess I will have to treat it as a post of my own.

    Cliff's Notes Version: You are all fucking awesome. Thank you for a terrific birthday!


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