Friday Blogthing: Please pass the fava beans and Chianti

Please don't take this personally. Survival is survival you know.

And hey, at 54% your chances of being eaten by me are almost the same as your chances of NOT being eaten by me(although I think there are certain among you who would be more tasty than others).

54%

tagged: Friday, blogthing, eat, hungry,, survival, cannibal, quiz, blog, meme

HEADLINES: Phoenix probes Mars ice hole

The NASA brain trust has reported the much anticipated discovery of solid H20 (that's water ice for those of you in Missouri) on Mars.

"It must be ice," said the Phoenix Lander's lead investigator, Peter Smith. "These little clumps completely disappearing over the course of a few days, that is perfect evidence that it's ice."

According to the WIRED report (see above link), the discovery of solid H20 was a primary goal of the Phoenix mission.

Ecstatic mission directors now turn their attention to the secondary mission goal -- the search for Klingons hanging out near the ice hole.

(Hey guys, the best jokes never get old.)

tagged: Mars, ice, water, Phoenix, probe, Klingons, science

Star Trek-themed weddings are totally gay

I’m reading a lot of commentary around the blogiverse about the recent flood … of California gay marriages.

There has been a lot of "We're queer, we're married, get used to it!"

Plenty of "Married at last, married at last, thank God in Heaven we're married at last."

And even some "Gay people getting married and Jimmy cracking corn are two thing I don’t care about."

But my favorite take has been from my good friend from high school, PDSH.

I guess in a way I'm still bitter. Why shouldn't we just be able to pay for the certificate and have the state recognize something that already occurred? Why do we have to have another ceremony? The Clerk's service was nice, but I'm pretty sure I don't need someone to tell me how marriage is not to be entered into lightly.

I think this is close to the way I've approached the issue all along.

The way I see it -- and this is especially true in my case -- if you can find someone who can stand to be around you for the rest of your life you should hang on to them like grim death.

Getting married is nice, but it's mostly just ceremonial. It's more for the family of the two people involved, rather than for the two people involved. I know there are issues of health care, taxes, inheritance, etc. But these seem to be more civil issues than marital ones.

That makes it sound like I favor civil unions over actual gay marriage. That's not the case at all. I don't begrudge anyone the right to an according-to-Hoyle marriage with all the rights, privileges and nagging that entails.

Not being a gay guy (or gal for that matter), I'm not sure how much my perspective even counts here. But I've always thought it seemed a little insulting to gay people for us straighties to tell them it's okay for them to get married.

As if they need our permission to commit to each other.

Doesn't it seem a little condescending for straight people to "allow" gay people to get married? And why, if you were a gay person, would you even want acknowledgment from the "straight community" on your personal choices.

The answer is that even if it does feel a little condescending, it's good to have this milestone of equality finally passed. With the flamboyant genie finally out of the closet bottle, society can move toward jumping the next hurdle.

Plus, as a bonus, gay marriage really pisses off the leader of a certain fake-religious sect in the Topeka area that I no longer mention by name. Which is good.

Anyway, congratulations to all the newly hitched homos out there. May your wedding nights be FABULOUS.

tagged: California, gay, marriage, rights, society, wedding

YouTube Tuesday: Bicky Knee Zone

Well, it sounds like I may not be going on an island vacation this year. That's okay. I hear Branson is lovely in the summer.

But for those of you who are going to the beach, be sure to take this great ancient Japanese wisdom with you:



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, bikini, bikini, hair, advertisement, Japanese

Money Trouble

As if we needed it, today’s headline was further proof of the total disregard these Activist Judges have for the rights and wishes of the tax payer.

According to the Associated Press, an activist judge in Florida has unilaterally decided to enact a little state-sponsored animal abuse:

(AP) Leona Helmsley's dog isn't quite as well-heeled as she used to be. Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth has reduced the trust fund for the little dog, named Trouble, from $12 million to $2 million.

The remaining $10 million now goes to Helmsley's charitable foundation.

The 9-year-old Maltese lives in Florida with the general manager of the Helmsley Sandcastle Hotel. Helmsley died last August.

Now, isn’t it just like a liberal activist judge to take it upon themselves to decide what to do with someone else's money?

Consider this, this cruel judge has just taken away more than 80 percent of the money this poor dog uses to live on. The little bitch will now have to struggle though the rest of her life on a trust fund of only $2 million, rather than the $12 million her former owner and current Hell-dweller intended.

Do you think the puppy-hating judge gave even a moment's thought as to how Trouble is supposed to afford a new diamond-studded collar each month? And let me tell you, that gourmet Fancy Feast isn't cheap. And what about Trouble's entourage? I guess they're all out on the street now. Let's just hope they've all been spayed or neutered.

My friends, haven’t we gone too far? Do we really want to live in a country where the good judgment of a well-respected tax-avoider can be so easily overturned by one calloused dog-hating judge?

Remember, if it can happen to Trouble, it can happen to your pet.

tagged: money, Trouble, Leona Helmsley, activist judges, headlines, Fancy Feast

Media circle jerk continues

Here we go again.

Yes, Tim Russert died. Yes, it's a tragedy. Indeed, it's a dark day for America.

But to paraphrase Mark Antony, I come not to praise Tim Russert, but to bury him. I'm not a huge fan of Russert. I didn't ever really watch him and if you had asked be before a few hours ago what he looked like I would have only a vague idea.

It's not that I dislike him. It's just that it drives me crazy when people are fans of talking heads on TV.

Okay. He died. It's a damn shame that people have to die and my heart goes out to his family and friends. But you just know that there's a building tsunami of blog posts from people who only knew Russert as a face on a flatscreen.

But the worst of it will come tonight during the primetime news casts when every self-important news anchor will feel compelled to "say a few words" about their "friend and colleague" and what a supreme being he was because he was on TV.

There will probably be several video retrospectives with emotional background music as "we remember the life of our dear friend" and "all that he has contributed" as if, by virtue of him being on TV, his contributions are so much more valuable that the ordinary rank and file of America.

It has happened before and it will happen again, because the talking heads on the teevee love being the story more than telling the story.

tagged: death, Tim Russert, media, television

The Evil Prints

As some of you may be aware, I've been working for several years on an evil plan to take over the world.

If you're not aware of that now, don't worry, you soon will become painfully aware when I unleash my… oh, well, there will be time for that later (mwahahahhah, cough, er…). Anyway, I digress.

Typically I try to keep my evil secret plans, well, secret. Like the time I was able to insert a certain one of my minions into the head position of the ALL POWERFUL Kansas City Missouri Parks Board (and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky kids and that dog!)

But again I digress.

What I was going to say is that I had a HUGELY Evil victory at the office this morning, and uncharacteristically I wanted to share it with you so that you can bask with me in my supreme evilness.

It all started as I sat at my Evil computer monitor studying some Evil spreadsheets and Evil quarterly plans. There were a few documents that I need to evilly send to the shared printer that all of the cube dwellers on my floor share.

So, with an evil, maniacal laugh which surely would have sent shivers of fear down the spines of my unwitting cube neighbors had any of the slackers bothered to show up on time for work, I hit the print button (with much evilness).

I gave the computers and printers a minute or two to crunch through my evil print job. I then headed over to the printer to pick up the documents as they came out, lest anyone find them and discover my nefarious plot.

When I arrived at the printer, I discovered that some unfortunate soul had incurred my wrath by leaving their print job unattended. It had created a printer error and backed up the entire print queue for about an hour and a half.

My evil documents were all at the end of the long queue, which wasn't even moving because of the printer error created by user THX1138.

Now, you lame do-gooders would have tried to help out poor, pathetic THX1138. You would have tried to find the 11x17 paper that he foolishly tried to print his documents on and placed it in Paper Tray 3 and pressed “C” to continue the print job as the error message suggested.

But that’s not how we Evil geniuses roll.

Instead, I did something completely Evil. I pressed the “Cancel” button, consigning THX1183’s print job to the depths of oblivion, never to be seen again.

MHWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA.

But I wasn't finished yet. Only now will the entire population of office workers (who were trying to print documents to that printer) see the true power of my Evilocity!

Because next I went through the backed up print queue and found my print jobs and PROMOTED THEM to a higher priority than all of the jobs in front of me!

So my Evil documents came out before the documents of the sucky saps who sat by and did nothing about the printer error!

And behold! My Evil documents were printed and I went back to my Evil cube to continue my Evil day’s work so I could get back to my evening hobby of TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!

MHWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. AHHHHHAAHAHAHAA! HAAHAHHAAAAHAaaaaa.... (ouch, it hurts my throat when I laugh like that too much).

tagged: office, evil, printer, THX1138, Nazgul, Office Space, Sauron

Friday Blogthing: Gorilla my dreams

I knew this monkey business would finally catch up with me.

3oclockam.blogspot.com/

WANTED FOR THE VULGAR FRENCH-KISSING of a VULGAR GORILLA

$2300

What's Your Blog Wanted For?

tagged: Friday, blogthing, blog, wanted, vulgar, gorilla, quiz, meme

Life imitates art

News out of Newton, Kansas:

Kansas man arrested for killing 4 kittens
The Associated Press

NEWTON, Kan. | A 36-year-old Newton man has been arrested on felony animal cruelty charges for allegedly killing his ex-girlfriend’s four kittens with a hammer.

Police arrested Brandon Hayes on Monday for allegedly killing his ex-girlfriend’s four kittens in May. Lisa Stewart said she gave her kittens to Hayes to move to her garage, but she never saw her kittens alive again.

Hmm... Where have I heard of this before? Oh yeah...



tagged: Kansas, Newton, cat, The Office, Dwight Schrute, Angela Martin

Bag o'snake

It’s funny the kinds of things kids bring home from school.

Sure, you get the standard stuff like the day’s take of drawings and paintings. Sometimes you’ll find another child’s pen or brush or stuffed animal. And believe me, your typical five-year-old comes home daily with all manner of new and interesting germs to infect your upper respiratory system.

But on this particular day in early June, I was a bit surprised to see this particular five-year-old bring home a small plastic ziplock baggie from school. It was smaller than sandwich size, about the size some of you would use to carry your "herb" on your way to one of your hippie drum circles.

But there wasn't any Aunt Mary in the baggie (dammit!). Rather, the sole contents consisted of about the first four inches of a snake.

No, not that kind of snake. I'm talking about the kind that crawl around on their bellies scaring the crap out of people.

Still not right. Think of the same level of creepiness but more natural. You know, the kind of snake that eats rodents and air travelers.

That's right. Except luckily, the snake we're talking about wasn't that big or poisonous.

It was a small grass snake, the head and about three and a half inches of snake jerky apparently chopped off of the rest of the reptile by a lawn mower blade.

I didn't get a photograph (I know you're bummed), but here's an artist's rendering:
Those of you who have been parents for a while know that now is the time when you have to put up a calm front to avoid freaking out the kid while you wonder if you have a budding Ozzy Osbourne on your hands.

"Hey, whatcha got in the bag?" I asked.

"I found it at school! I'm the only one who got one," came the excited reply. "I found it in the grass in the play area and my teachers said I could bring it home."

Ah, gotta love those teachers.

"So, what are you going to do with it," I asked, totally not concerned in the least.

"I'm going to cut it open to see what's on the inside. Can you help me?"

"I, uh, well, er..."

"I'll need some of those plastic gloves. You know? Those gloves? Do we have any of those gloves? We'll need them before we cut it open. And we should probably wear mask over our mouths, too."

She was very mater of fact and clinical about the whole idea. She was eager and curious to see the actual interior workings of your every day, garden variety grass snake.

Unfortunately, the baggie with snake therein found it's way to the trash can before we could acquire the instruments necessary for the postmortem.

She was, of course, disappointed. She really wanted to see the inside of the snake. But the disappointment was soon overcome by the next episode of SpongeBob SquarePants, and anyway we were having quesadillas for dinner which is one of her favorite meals.

Still, my Supermodel Wife and I had debated whether our daughter was too young to see the Bodies Revealed exhibition at Union Station and decided that she probably was. Now, maybe it's time to revisit that debate.

tagged: snake, Aunt Mary, postmortem, science, nature, curiosity, Bodies Revealed, Ozzy Osbourne