Metamorphosis

So I'm heading back to the office the other day after taking care of a few lunch-time errands.

Ever cognizant of my surroundings (as one must be when the government agents and dwarf assassins are out to get you), I observed what I thought was one of the most ingenious concepts for a pest control/exterminator business ever (and I've seen a lot of concepts for pest control/exterminator businesses).
Of course! A bug killing business that pays homage to the author of one of my favorite German surrealist man-becomes-cockroach stories, The Metamorphosis.

"When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin. He was lying on his back as hard as armor plate, and when he lifted his head a little, he saw his vaulted brown belly, sectioned by arch-shaped ribs, to whose dome the cover, about to slide off completely, could barely cling. His many legs, pitifully thin compared with the size of the rest of him, were waving helplessly before his eyes."

Now that's an exterminator with a sense of humor and a good grounding literature. Just the kind of guy I want going after my silverfish!

So I maneuver closer to get around to the side of the truck. There must be a phone number on there somewhere. Anyone with the marketing savvy to name an exterminating company after Franz Kafka surely would know enough to put the phone number on the side of the truck.

That's when I saw the critical detail that painted me as a total sucker. A line of copy under the logo on the side of the truck read "Available at the Johnson County Library."
Of course. This isn't some pest control professional with a penchant for marketing. It's a new mobile billboard for the local library.

Well, touchè librarians. You got me. Who knew a run-of-the-mill lunch hour errand trip could be so entertaining. I wonder if the library stocks any books about gullibility.

tagged: Kafka, Metamorphosis, pest control, silverfish, literature, gullible, advertising

Two cups, one gack

I recently discovered a flaw in my morning routine.

A typical work-a-day morning for me goes something like this: Get up, get ready for work, drop off the kids, stop by QT for a coffee and fruit (can't forget breakfast), drive to work, park car, arrive at my cube, turn on computer, drink coffee, start work.

It's a pretty good, streamlined routine. There are various sub-steps along the way, but you get the idea. It has worked pretty flawlessly for ages now.

Until yesterday. I discovered a rather nasty flaw stemming from my coffee subroutine.

The coffee subroutine involves me grabbing one of my half-dozen or so insulated travel coffee mugs on the way out the door. After dropping of the kids, I take my mug to the QuikTrip for a refill of Colombian Supremo with a squirt of non-fat creamer.

So far so good, right? I drink the coffee on the way to work and throughout the firs few meetings of the morning. The problem is, I don't always bring the mugs home everyday after work. And a couple of them are identical.

Yeah. You see where this is going.

Yesterday I bring my morning cup of joe into my cube. For illustration purposes, it looks pretty much like this (because this is what it is).

As per usual, I set it on my desk to take out my laptop computer and get it started. I take off my jacket and hang it up. Then as I'm sitting down in my office chair, I grab my cup of coffee and take a big swig. But I've inadvertently set it down next to yesterday's coffee mug...

Let me just say that it's no pleasant realization when you're expecting the warm rich taste of roasted Colombian java beans to get the cold bitter nastiness from the previous day. Luckily I came to the horrible realization before I swallowed, and immediately spit the offending liquid back into the cup.

But obviously, I've got to scar, mar or otherwise deface one of the cups. This can't happen again. This aggression will not stand, man.

tagged: coffee, QuikTrip, mug, gag, Colombian Supremo

YouTube Tuesday: Surreality TV

I've mentioned before how much I think "reality" TV has been a symptom of our declining culture -- eroding as it does an appreciation for nuance and subtlety (not to mention good writing and directing).

But this short film out of Canada? This is some surreal, funky stuff that I can really get into. And the dialog is an order of magnitude better than what you'll find on any "reality" show.



tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, reality, TV, surreal, animation, How wings are attached to the back of angels

Busted

This is about the time of year when I post the results of my NCAA Basketball Tournaments bracket picks.

In some ways, one could consider my picks a success. But only in the kinds of ways that one would consider last year's financial bailouts a success. I mean, it was a win for some people, just not for us ordinary saps.

Anyway, congratulations to all of the Tournament teams. It's an honor just to be invited.

tagged: college, basketball, NCAA, Tournament, KSU, sports, K-State

A kind of madness

Over the past five to 10 years, I've developed a pretty good handle on one of my more persistent personal demons.

You see, I'm a nervous nail biter. During times of stress or boredom or anguish, I'm known to nervously bite, chew or peel my fingernails -- sometimes to the point of bleeding. I know. It's gross. I'm not proud of it and to be honest I'm kind of putting myself out there emotionally just mentioning it here.

But like I said, over the last ten years or so I've pretty much got this demon under control. Regular use of clippers and emery boards has allowed me to grow fingernails that, while not perfectly manicured, are at least presentable enough that I don't need to keep my hands in my pockets during business meetings.

But I'm only human. And admittedly flawed human at that. And last night's game between K-State and Xavier in the NCAA Sweet Sixteen was legendary in it's nail-biting epicness.

I know a lot of people are calling it the best game of the tournament so far. Some radio guys this morning said it was one of the Best. Games. EVAR!

Personally, I don't know if I have the constitution for many more games like this. Sure it was entertaining, but they say your heart gets about 3 billion beats in a lifetime, and I may have used up about 500 million last night.

I don't know if the 'Cats will win Saturday against Butler. The Bulldogs beat a #1 seeded Syracuse, so they're not going to roll over and play dead for K-State. But this double overtime stuff? I'd be perfectly happy if the 'Cats just blew out their next couple of opponents by double digit scores.

It would give my fingernails a chance to grow back.



Related Post: My Favorite Martin

tagged: sports, basketball, K-State, Wildcats, NCAA, tournament, March Madness, Jacob Pullen, Xavier

René and Georgette Magritte with their dog after the war

Growing up, our neighbors -- I'll call them René and Georgette Magritte (to protect their anonymity) -- had a dog that was... well... it just wasn't quite right.

Oh, it was a nice enough dog. You could pet it. It would fetch you all kinds of stuff -- even stuff you didn't need or want.

But it had this funny quirk. If you waved your hand in a large circle, like you were drawing a pie on a big chalkboard, the crazy mutt would begin running around in circles chasing its tail. And it would just keep running around and around and around until it got dizzy had to lay down on the ground. It would lay there panting with these crazy bulging eyes like it was high on pot-laced Milkbones.

But then, after a 20 minute recovery period or so, you could make the dumb thing do it all again with the same wave or your hand. This went on for years.

The crazy canine never learned.

I thought of that crazy dog when so many people started celebrating another historic Obama win last weekend. Politicians waved their hands in the air and Americans went crazy running around in joy.

With the stroke of a pen, Obama yet again changed the game -- this time solving the health care problem for every last person in the nation.

Well, yet again, I have to remind you crazy dogs that nothing really is going to change.

Oh sure, there will be people who now will be forced to buy health insurance even if they don't want it.

And some people who do want health insurance will get it -- subsidized by the rest of us of course. I don't really have a problem with that per se -- I mean, no more of problem than I have with any of the other bajillion subsidies taxpayers pay for. Hell, at least in theory the subsidy doesn't go to a rich Goldman Sachs exec (in theory).

But all this really does is extend and strengthen the system we already had in place. A system whereby health insurance companies take monthly premiums protection money in exchange for the promise of taking care of you should you get sick or maimed.

Because the price of health care has been rising faster than Smiling Bob's jockey shorts, insurance company dons executives have raised the price of premiums and deductibles to keep their "profit margins" intact.

Luckily for them, they're about to get 30 million new customers. That should pad their profits nicely, even after all the kickbacks to Obama, Pelosi and their droogs.

So because legislators cautiously avoided taking any action to do anything about the costs of health care, which nine months ago everyone seemed to agree was the problem in the first place, we can expect more and more expensive health care, which in the end will lead to higher debt levels.

Yes, we have been told that there are provisions in the bill to pay for the additional costs through new fees and taxes. We've been told that the bill will decrease budget deficits. We've been told that costs will go down because government regulators will now have a better handle on insurance companies.

But then again, we've been told all these things before. And we chased our tails in excitement. The truth is, that dog just ain't right.

tagged: politics, health care, insurance, Obama, Pelosi, Enzyte Bob, Obamacare

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

The gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes is still happening today as KU fans cry in their coffee and try to get me to understand just why the Jayhoax are so awesome.

It's happening in the office, but also all over Facebook, Twitter and the rest of the Interwebs as well. And I have to thank my KU Fan friends. It's been a long time since my schadenfreude tank has been this full.

Though he's not the only one, Shane is a typical (if a bit verbose) example of KU fan's inability to get what's going on outside the KU tent.

As a KU fan, you have to expect a fair amount of ribbing from your K-State and Mizzou friends when you lose. The general tone of others when KU loses is usually harmless enough, but today, it seemed like the vitriol was downright nasty. I don’t understand it. ...

The majority of KU haters that I talk to (mostly on Twitter) say that the main reason that they hate KU is that we act entitled. I don’t get that.

Well, as a long time KU hater, I relish this opportunity to drop a some learning on my KU Fan Friends (KUFFs) like a last second Ali Farokhmanesh 3-ball.

At this point, I think its appropriate to point out that the term "hate" here is used only in the context of good-natured sports rivalries and is thus probably a misuse of the strict definition of "hate." In reality, I don't really think there's anyone or anything that I really truly "hate" -- with the possible exception of all so-called "reality" TV. I think the word "hate" is overly used in our culture. To find real hate, you probably have to go to the Middle East, or to a small isolated area of Topeka.

That is to say, it's not really "hate," it's spectator sport hate.

There are more reasons to hate KU and it's fans than there are STD-infected KU sorority girls, so I obviously can't list them all here (there's not enough room on the entire Internet).

The so-called "entitlement' Shane mentions above is pretty low on the list. There's that idiotic Rock Chalk chant. Waiving the Wheat, the fact that KU takes credit for "inventing basketball" even though James Naismith created the game while he was working in Massachusetts, the hypocrisy of claiming Wilt Chamberlain as a hero even though he was severely discriminated against while at KU.

Of course, there's the ever present smugness that we non-KU fans have to endure every freakin' year. Even when the Jayhoax predictably lose in one of the first rounds of the NCAA tourney each year, we still have to hear about "why does everyone hate us..." (you can't tell, but I'm rolling my eyes). And SNYDER HELP US if KU "actually WINS a championship. Criminy! You'd think they simultaneously found a cure for cancer, brought peace to the Middle East and invented a cold fusion battery that allows your cell phone to keep a charge for three days straight.

Of course the inability of KU fans to realize that not everyone is or wants to be a KU fan is one of the reasons that we despise you so.

But for me, the biggest reason to hate on KU, is their rich history of cheating, getting caught, and having no consequences. From hiring highly recruited players' dads as coaches, to paying for students to take tests for players, KU athletics is built upon a lack of institutional control. As the NCAA Committee on Major Infractions put it

"Major violations occurred in the men's basketball program from 2002 through 2005. During that time frame, a representative of the institution's athletics interests supplied cash, transportation, clothing and other benefits to two men's basketball student-athletes. The athletics representative befriended one of the young men while he was still a prospect, buying him clothing and meals and transporting him to a number of the institution's men's basketball contests. ..."

So, maybe I'm a little too harsh on the KUers. But I just think hating on a team because they're cheaters is a better reason that hating on someone because of the way they spell their name.

tagged: KU, cheater, basketball, Final Four, NCAA, Tournament, sports, Jayhawks, Ali Farokhmanesh

Luck of the Irish

Let me just say this up front: I respect the hell out of the Irish. I don't think there's a group in history that can equal the per capita contribution to culture and civilization that the Irish have had.

All-around great guy and expert in lots of things R. Sherman pointed out how Irish monks were instrumental in saving western civilization. It is said that when Charlemagne was expanding his empire, he imported Irish monks to be his scribes due to their high literacy.

But the contributions go beyond this. It seems like all the Irish are painters, authors, poets or musicians -- or a little bit of each.

And while I'd like to be able to associate myself with this heritage -- I do have ancestors who came here from Ireland -- my Black Irish blood has been so diluted over the years by various British, German, and other European nationalities (except for those freaky-deaky Dutch!) that I could hardly be called anything other than American at this point.

Besides, I think I've just had it too good to honestly claim to be Irish. And that's not meant to be an offense to real Irish people. Like I said, I respect the hell out of them. It's just that I think all of the great art that comes out of Ireland is the natural response to the hardships the country has faced throughout its history.

If you subscribe to the view -- as I am beginning to more and more -- that great art comes from pain and suffering, then its no surprise that the Irish are so artistically prolific.

The history of Ireland is tragic and bloody more often that it's not. Viking pillaging, British massacres, religious discrimination and systematic subjugation, poverty, famine -- all of this tragedy seems to have been bred into the very bloodlines of the Irish.

Still, when someone comes up to you, particularly on St. Patrick's Day, and says "Luck o' the Irish to ye!" you're supposed to take that as some kind of pleasantry.

Luck of the Irish to me? What the hell did I do to deserve that?

tagged: Ireland, Irish, art, culture, St. Patrick's Day, Charlemagne, Yeats

YouTube Tuesday: When Irish Eyes are Glazed Over

Hey, it's never too early to celebrate our fake Irish heritage. Afterall, as the Someecards people put it, this is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.



tagged: Irish, drinking, song, video, St. Patrick's Day, eejit

Bracketage

Against my better judgment, I am once again posting my NCAA Tourney bracket. Why? I guess because I enjoy being mocked and made fun of.

I've admitted before that I go with my heart and not my head on these kinds of things (and we know how that turns out). Sure, I could follow the pack, pick the top seeds, and probably do much better. But where's the fun in that? Well, yes, I suppose I can see the fun would be in rubbing it in the face of all my friends how awesome I am at picking basketball winners.

But I guess I don't see the point of being a basketball fan if you can be a fan. Anyway, all that is in defense of why I have an all-Wildcat final with K-State beating Kentucky.

Click to embiggen...
tagged: college, basketball, NCAA, Tournament, KSU, sports, K-State