Wednesday, February 21, 2007


My Supermodel Wife and I are hosting one of her relatives and spouse this week.

Our family member needs a liver transplant and is in town for a battery of tests that takes a week to complete. Since they are family, we insisted that they bunk at our house so they don't have the added expense and hassle of a hotel.

We knew going into the deal that it would be a huge pain in the ass for us. But they're family, and family sticks together. I mean, having a liver transplant is no picnic either. Right?

Still, after half a week I've gained some valuable insights that I'll share with you now:
  • They say family and fish stink after three days. Well, I can tell you that when the family member is a smoker, the stink begins immediately. There's a hovering haze of stale smoke stench hanging in our house*. I swear I don't know how smokers can stand to be around themselves.

  • The amount of time the aforementioned smoke stench stays in your house is directly proportional to the number of cigarette butts left on you patio and driveway. Thanks again, smokers.

  • I have developed a theory (though the first part is still untested by me personally) that the one thing worse than having a camera shoved up your ass is sitting at the dinner table hearing someone tell the story about getting a camera shoved up their ass.

  • I have also developed a theory (also untested) that there is no polite way to say "Can't you shut the fuck up for five minutes! I'm trying to watch Dances With Wolves and you're making it impossible to read the subtitles!"
Hey, this is just me venting. Like I said, we wouldn't want them to stay anywhere else. And, to keep it in perspective, this will all be over in a couple of days. It better be anyway, or I'll cut out my own liver and do the transplant at home.

*How's that for alliteration!

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