Monday, February 06, 2006

Razors edges

My grandmother is 94 years old. Almost a century.

She's seen America blossom from an agrarian upstart to a techno-superpower. From the nascence of flight to the moon landing, the splitting of the atom and the printed circuit, her life has born witness to technological advances that would seem like miracles just 200 years ago.

And, as of Sunday night, I witnessed the unveiling of one of those advances as well.


No, not nuclear fusion. Rather, the new Fusion razor from Gillette. This astounding advance in shaving technology was launched with a Super Bowl ad that was glitzy enough to send metrosexual men everywhere into a twitter.

The new device one-ups the four-bladed battery-powered Schick Quattro by adding an additional cutting blade, as well as a computer-controlled battery-powered vibrating motor. What will they think of next (lemme guess, six blades)?

But this latest escalation of the blade wars gave me pause to ask myself: Just because we can develop a five-bladed razor, should we?

I remember when I was a young lad and first began to grow fuzz on my chin, I was content to use a single-bladed razor. Then, when Gillette launched the radical new two bladed Sensor, I became hooked on the $5-dollar blade refills. It truly did seem to give me a closer shave.

But five blades!?!? Do we really know what we're getting into? I mean, where will it all end? How can we be sure this five-bladed technology will be used for good instead of evil.

I seriously think it's time to rethink our national addiction to multi-bladed, computer-chip-controlled vibrating razors. We have to think of the future. What kind of clean-shaven world do we want to leave for our children and grandchildren?

I hereby call for the government to step in and regulate the development of multi-bladed razors as well as the research into other advanced hair removal technology. Please join me by writing to your senators and congressmen (don't bother with the congresswomen), to insist upon the establishment of an independent committee to study the issue.

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  1. I am working on patenting a device that shaves facial hair more closely than any 5,6,7 or even 100-bladed tool: My shaver works from the inside of the skin. That's right, an internal shaver that whacks off hair right below the follicle.

    (Thanks for the laugh. My son and I are incredulous about the shaver wars. I mean, can you imagine Schick and Gillette development meetings, where engineers brainstorm for months and months:

    Director of R&D: Come on!! I am losing patience!! Surely someone can think out of the box!

    Engineer (4th year): I know! How about we add ONE blade!

    Everyone: Gasp!!!!

    DORD: Is that even possible?!)


  2. Actually, no joke, I once read in a tech magazine a proposal for microscopic nano-robots that would be programed to crawl about on your head trimming you hair and beard.


    Think of the marketing fun that could be had with that!


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