I could've been a terrorist

One of the TV shows I watch a lot is Boston Legal.

When it first came out a season or two ago, I really liked it. This season? Not so much. I still watch it because there's nothing better during that time slot and what the hell else am I going to do if I don't watch TV.

But the story lines are just getting silly and goofy (a big, black transvestite and a lawyer stuck in a Buzz Lightyear costume? Puleeez!). I should expect as much from a show staring Candice Bergen.

Anyway, one recent episode featured William Shatner's character, Denny Crane, denied air travel to Hawaii because his name is on the federal no-fly list, suing the Office of Homeland Security.

I don't remember much about the episode (it was pretty forgettable) aside from the fact that I kept rolling my eyes at the overly melodramatic diatribes foisted by the actors-playing-lawyers. I guess what I find so irritating is the writers' penchant for finding any issue that is the tiniest bit topical and blowing it way out of proportion for the sake of soap opera drama.

The only reason I bring this up now is that I learned last weekend that I might be a terrorist.

That's right, I've been Denny Craned.

I found out about it when my attempt to use an airline's self-ticketing kiosk at KCI was thwarted by a message to "Please see the ticket agent."

So I had to go back and wait on line to see the airline worker. He took my confirmation number and punched it into his computer. A puzzled look crossed his face as he punched a few more keys and asked for my driver's license.

Then and exclamation of "Aha." A few keystrokes later and I had my boarding pass.

"It turns out your name is on the Federal No-Fly list," he told me.

Immediately I thought to myself "Damn! They're on to me." But before I had a chance to shout "Derka Derka Mohammad jihad!" and make a run for short-term parking, the ticket agent said "I've corrected this. I just had to check your ID and make sure you are who you say you are. In the future when you book your flights you might want to include you're middle initial."

So, it turns out that I'm cleared for takeoff. And I didn't even get to sue Homeland Security.

tagged: Boston Legal, William Shatner, Candice Bergen, terrorist, no fly list, Hadji Girl

De-liverance

My Supermodel Wife and I are hosting one of her relatives and spouse this week.

Our family member needs a liver transplant and is in town for a battery of tests that takes a week to complete. Since they are family, we insisted that they bunk at our house so they don't have the added expense and hassle of a hotel.

We knew going into the deal that it would be a huge pain in the ass for us. But they're family, and family sticks together. I mean, having a liver transplant is no picnic either. Right?

Still, after half a week I've gained some valuable insights that I'll share with you now:

• They say family and fish stink after three days. Well, I can tell you that when the family member is a smoker, the stink begins immediately. There's a hovering haze of stale smoke stench hanging in our house*. I swear I don't know how smokers can stand to be around themselves.


• The amount of time the aforementioned smoke stench stays in your house is directly proportional to the number of cigarette butts left on you patio and driveway. Thanks again, smokers.


• I have developed a theory (though the first part is still untested by me personally) that the one thing worse than having a camera shoved up your ass is sitting at the dinner table hearing someone tell the story about getting a camera shoved up their ass.


• I have also developed a theory (also untested) that there is no polite way to say "Can't you shut the fuck up for five minutes! I'm trying to watch Dances With Wolves and you're making it impossible to read the subtitles!"

Hey, this is just me venting. Like I said, we wouldn't want them to stay anywhere else. And, to keep it in perspective, this will all be over in a couple of days. It better be anyway, or I'll cut out my own liver and do the transplant at home.

*How's that for alliteration!


tagged: family, relatives, liver transplant, venting, smoker, smoking

YouTube Tuesday: Leave it to Beever

Every few months I get cc'd on an email that attaches the art of Julian Beever.

Beever's art is a well-known Internet meme. The chalk drawings he makes on city streets feature amazingly accurate perspective studies. When viewed from the proper angle, his subjects seem to be emerging from a swimming pool dug into the street, or mining gold from the sidewalk.

When viewed from the wrong angle, they appear distorted and misshapen, impressing upon the viewer the amount of foresight and non-linear thinking required to make the drawings.

I've always wondered how he does it. But now I don't have to, since he has placed a video of his process on YouTube:



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, art, chalk, culture, sidewalk, drawing, Julian Beever

By the Dead Seaside

I mentioned previously that my Supermodel Wife and I went to Union Station Wednesday to see the famous Dead Sea Scrolls.

We were both excited to see this exhibit. It has certainly been ballyhooed in KC since it opened a few weeks ago. The actual experience didn't necessarily live up to my expectations. Don't get me wrong, there were some very positive points. But there were a few things that left me thinking it could have been much better.

First, despite the millions of dollars spent to bring the exhibit to KC, despite all of the preparation and publicity, when we actually arrived at Union Station the admission process didn’t say "We're excited you’re here and we want you to see this exhibit."

There was a single person selling tickets at the ticket counter. I imagine they typically don't need more than one person on a Wednesday morning at Union Station. From what I've heard, foot traffic can get pretty non-existent there. But one would think that the heightened traffic drawn by the Dead Sea Scrolls would have been anticipated, and our 20-minute wait on line could have been avoided.

When it was finally our turn with the ticket agent, we were told that the 11 a.m. was the earliest time we would be able to view the exhibit. I’m not sure why the viewings were scheduled in blocks like this, perhaps to limit the size of the crowd inside the exhibit. If that’s the case, why not just keep track of how many people go in and come out, thus ensuring a constant number of visitors at anyone time.

But hey, what do I know.

Once we actually were admitted to see the exhibit, it was pretty darn good. There was a good amount of archaeological and historical background detailing how the scrolls were found, how they were preserved, who wrote them and hid them, etc.

And thanks to a device called an "audio wand" – essentially an mp3 player with a keypad to dial up each audio track – those of us who are really lazy didn't have to read the comments throughout the exhibit because they were being read to us.

The scroll fragments themselves were very different from what I expected. Maybe it's too much Fiddler on the Roof, or Indiana Jones, but I had this vision in my mind of a Tora-type document rolled around wooden handles a couple of feet long. Of course I expected them to be highly deteriorated and barely legible after 2000 years.

The actual scrolls are only a few inches high, about the dimension of a roll of toilet paper. Though deteriorated by time, the writing that is left is exquisite. It is very clear and highly legible (assuming, of course, that you're fluent in ancient Aramaic or Hebrew).

Despite the hassle of getting in to see the scrolls, it was pretty amazing and awe inspiring to stand inches away from ancient texts that were written before the time of Black Jesus.

Should you go see the scrolls? If you're really into history as I am, go see them. If you don’t mind a few hassles, go see them. If you can afford the price of admission without sacrificing your Friday night weed money, go see them. And if you don’t mind hanging out with a bunch of oxygen tank breathing, walker using, slow moving geezers, go see them.

tagged: Kansas City, Union Station, Dead Sea Scrolls, history, antiquity, Hebrew

Thank science* it’s Saturday.

It was a hellacious week at work, and I’m on the road today through Monday for business travel. But now, at 7 a.m. on a Saturday, sitting in the airport terminal waiting for my flight to board, I finally have time to post an update. (Oh great! They just announced an hour delay due to snow in Chicago. Science* dammit!).

I say it was a rough week at work, and it was (and still is). The one notable exception was Wednesday. In case you weren’t there, Wednesday was Valentine’s Day. My Supermodel Wife and I started a new tradition this year: We both took a day of vacation to make sure we spent some really good quality time together (more on what we did later).

We gave each other the gift of ourselves.

I know what you’re thinking (you cheeky monkey) and your right, there was some of that later in the evening. But this was one of the best day’s ever. I can totally see why people would want to win the lottery and retire early.

*In compliance with the new Kansas State Board of Education science standards, we will no longer refer to the deity in such usages on this blog.

tagged: Valentine's Day, gift, relationships

Another headline I couldn't resist

Blind snake rediscovered after 100 years

A rare blind snake has been rediscovered a century after its last sighting. The snake, which looks like a long, skinny pink worm, was only known from two other specimens, both discovered in 1905.

“They’re really rare because they’re subterranean,” said blind-snake expert Van Wallach of Harvard University who described the new specimen. “You can’t just go out anytime you want and collect these things. You can dig forever and never find them.”

It turns out that a UMKC biologist has discovered another specimen of this blind, pink snake which hasn't seen the light of day in 100 years in Larry Moore's pants.


tagged: news, blind, pink, snake, Larry Moore, science

YouTube Tuesday: Madame B.

Okay, with recent YouTube posts about weed smoking, geezer giggling, and Super Bowl shuffling, I really feel like it's time to class up the joint a little.

Luckily, I've come across this really cool animated rendition of Puccini's Madame Butterfly.

It's amazing that the mere puppets can be used, along with Puccini's music, to express such great human beauty and tragedy (although the puppet sex scene made me blush a little and may not be safe for work). I especially admire the artist going "off the canvas" for the suicide scene at the end. Very poetic.

Enjoy.



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, puppets, opera, culture, Puccini, Madame Butterfly

Politiblogs

I caught yesterday’s episode of KCUR’s Up To Date on the way in to work today (the podcast version of course. Radio? C’mon, who listens to the radio these days. This is the future people, get with the times!).

Anyway, I just wanted to say a sincere congratulations to local blog boss Cara (from …Just Cara) for being the smartest person in the room. The discussion focused around the role of blogs in political discussion

Also in on the conversation were some pointy-headed professor from KU and Tony B. of Tony’s Kansas City (what hack). But it was Cara who put the whole thing in perspective when she noted that the majority of bloggers are basically just putting their perspective out there because the traditional media doesn’t provide an open forum for discussion.

Her analogy of a personal blog to a bar room conversation is very apt (especially given the bar room vernacular most bloggers use, something you damn-sure wouldn’t find in your local newspaper).

My personal view is that so-called political blogs are pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. Don’t get me wrong, they server a purpose for the author to vent, and even to test their views. But the vast majority of people posting and consuming political thought are doing so for reinforcement. They want to see that other people think the same way they do.

It’s basically a big circle jerk (to employ the aforementioned bar room vernacular).

And don't even get me started on the idiot Joan McCarter, who stated on the air that she knows the truth and always tells the truth. This just proves my point that the biggest Liberal bloggers are not only arrogant and pretentious, but hypocritical as well.

tagged: politics, blog, blogger, culture

Taking it too far

I gasped when I saw this headline:

Portugal Drafts Liberal Abortion Law

I mean, I hate Liberals as much as the next guy, but aborting them all? Seems a little extreme to me. Dang!

tagged: Liberal, abortion, news

Friday Blogthing: You just never know with me

This quiz was amazingly accurate for me. Just so you know, it's really tough to get on my bad side. But don't fool yourself, you don't want to be on my enemies list. I will totally make you regret it with my patented atomic silent treatment.

You Sometimes Hold a Grudge

You aren't exactly vengeful, but you're not going to forget when someone wrongs you. And while you'll forgive the small things, you don't hand out too many second chances to people who really screw up.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

tagged: grudge, revenge, pop culture