The average skank can't keep up with that...

In my opinion these reality shows set up an example for America's growing population of skanks to strive for.



tagged: The Onion, skank, pop culture, humor, video, culture

Easterly neighbors

Just catching up on some RSS feeds after a busy couple of weeks in the real world and I wanted to pass on some helpful information I found over at WNBT.

One of my favorite local writers Nick Charles found it within himself to grace us lowly Kansans with a much appreciated bit of automotive advice.

It's solid advice from the logic-based culture that permeates Kansas City Missouri down to the very soles of the bare feet in city hall.

And because Mr. Charles was so helpful (misspellings aside) in his recent column, I was hoping that he and his KCMO/JACO brain trust could give us JoCo cretins a little advice on a few other items.

1) Whenever I venture into Kansas City, Mo, I'm always envious of the awesome steel plates that cover virtually every inch of pavement. How I long for such extravagant luxuries in our little burg of Johnson County. Sure, they're a pain to drive on, and maybe they do shred your car's tires like an Independence Avenue working girl with Lee Press-On Nails.

But certainly a city's wealth and affluence can be measured in it's willingness to destroy it's own transportation for the sake of rusty steel roadways.

2) Johnson County Kansas seems to be way behind the times when it comes to sewer and storm drainage. Currently, we are still in the dark ages of collecting our waste water and filtering it through a multi-stage purification process resulting in the reduction of pollution returned into the natural environment.

How I long for the day when JoCo can be more like Kansas City, Mo., allowing our most foul waste to flow through the creeks and streams of our neighborhoods and shopping districts creating a signature aroma known far and wide as the Kansas City Stink.

3) When it comes down to it, a city is only as good as the people who manage it's government on a day-to-day basis. And I think there can be no argument that Kansas City, Mo., has the best that money can buy.

From the city council, to the mayor's office to the school board, Kansas City government is virtually synonymous with efficiency and effectiveness.

If only the various governments of Johnson County could learn to be a fraction as effective of the Jackson County governments. Then we could have cities and neighborhoods that people actually want to live it. We could have a school system where children feel safe and nurtured.

Yes, we in Johnson County have a long way to go before we can claim to have cities the caliber of Kansas City, Mo. But with the help of people like Mr. Charles, I have hope for great change.

tagged: Kansas, Missouri, Johnson County, Kansas City, streets, sewer, city council, schools

Erudite Ferrets

Unlike many on the Inkernetz, I never got into the LOLCats phenomenon.

For one thing, I really can't stand cats. It goes beyond my extreme allergy to them. In my opinion, cats are kind of like Slinkys. They're basically useless, but still it's fun to watch them fall down a staircase.

So I just kind of cringe a little whenever I see one of the LOLCats images. Thankfully it's rare for something to go unanswered on the intertubes these days, and the originators of Erudite Ferrets have answered the LOLCat meme with aplomb.



tagged: LOLCats, erudite, ferrets, meme

YouTube Tuesday: Take this Job and shove it

Today's episode of YouTube Tuesday is dedicated to a new series over at the Hip Suburban White Guy. Our dear friend and intrepid spiritual mentor Xavier Onassis undertakes a deep penetrating and exhaustive study of serious Biblical texts, starting with the Book of Job.

His serious, studious and not at all superficial treatment of the text is worthy of this comment by well-known spiritual observer John Safran.



tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, Job, John Safran, atheist, religion, Bible

Top Ten Thursday: Name Game

With the impending arrival of a new tax deduction bundle of joy in a few months, we've turned our attention to the question of possible names.

Typically this is one of those areas I get vetoed on, since my taste in names comes across to some people as a bit non-traditional. Still, I'm hoping that I can at least have one of my picks for the middle name.

With that in mind, today's Top Ten Thursday category is my short list for middle names.

Top Ten Favorite Middle Names
10) Amadeus -- If it's good enough for Mozart, it's good enough for me.
9) Cochise -- We are native American after all.
8) Ninja -- Unfortunately, this one is already taken by one of the cutest kids in the city.
7) Stringfellow -- A real high-flying name.
6) 7 -- Thank you George Costanza.
5) Tiberius -- An oldie but a goodie (and a Trekie).
4) Mojo -- We already have the black cat bone.
3) Starbuck -- A great literary character, a great TV character and a great cup of burnt coffee.
2) Gatsby -- I just think this is a really Great name
1) Thundar -- Demon Dogs!! This is an awesome name!

Let me know what you think in the comments. And let me know if you have a better middle name option.
tagged: Top Ten, middle name, Gatsby, Thundar, Mojo, Stringfellow, Starbuck

3AM EXCLUSIVE!!!: Chiefs to benefit from new NFL policies

Okay guys pay attention, because this news is too hot hot hot to keep on the down low.

For reasons I can't get into right now, I have developed some pretty good sources of information inside the National Football League.

This source -- I can't name names, but let's just call him Schmoger Schmoodell -- recently notified me of the results of some recent high-level meetings at the League offices in New York.

It turns out that the economic recession/depression has hit the League harder than has been publicized.

The crisis has already threatened some teams' construction and expansion plans. And it's become so bad that the New England Patriots have had to lay off several of their videographers/spies.

So, taking a cue from the Federal Government, the NFL top brass have decided to step in with a bailout plan that consists of several new policies designed to help the individual teams.

The new policies are being referred to collectively as the Troubled Athletics Rescue Plan.

As part of TARP, starting with the Fall 2009 season, the lowest performing players and coaches on each team will be given a bonus salary equal to the sum total of the highest performing player and coaches.

And for teams like the Chiefs that have experienced lost revenue due to poor attendance caused by lackluster on-field performance, the NFL will compensate them with funds taken from top-performing teams that have kept their attendance and revenues through high achievement on the field.

NFL is also reconfiguring the playoff structure as part of TARP.

Instead of having the teams with the best records advance through a single elimination bracket tournament, the League will pit the teams with the worst records against each other.

The teams that fail to advance on the field, score points and meet their other goals, will advance through the playoff system until only the worst are left to play in the Super Bowl.

League officials say that this new playoff scheme is designed to reward the worst teams in the league to make sure that they are able to stay around for next season.

"Let's face it," Schmoger Schmoodell told me, "Teams like the Kansas City Chief and the Detroit Lions are too big to fail. We need to make sure that we are coming through with a solid plan to prop them up."

Schmoger Schmoodell mentioned that there are other tactics available to league officials as part of the TARP package, including spotting the worst teams a three or four touchdown lead at the beginning of the game, or allowing them 12, 13, or even 14 players on the field at any given time.

"Those types of things will be game day decisions," Schmoger Schmoodell said.

tagged: Chiefs, Lions, NFL, TARP, economy, sports

YouTube Tuesday: It's ...

Pretty much the best news in technology in a long time is the debut of the Monty Python channel on YouTube.

I guess the Pythons got sick of people illicitly viewing their work for free, so they've uploaded them to their YouTube channel for us to legitimately view for free ...

But we want something in return.

None of your driveling, mindless comments. Instead, we want you to click on the links, buy our movies & TV shows and soften our pain and disgust at being ripped off all these years.

So go check it out and click some links.

Oh and since the economy is so much in the news these days, here's a clip on me (I've already clicked links for you on this one).



tagged: Monty Python, satire, money, video, You Tube, humor, economy

As seen in Kansas: Road less traveled

Sometimes those interesting historical footnotes are hiding right under your, well, feet. And it only takes an afternoon walk on fine midwinter's day to discover them.

I must have driven past this historical marker a million times before actually seeing it in my own neighborhood.

It denotes the crossing of the old Ft. Leavenworth and Ft. Scott Military Road -- not that it means much to the modern pilots of SUVs and minivans that now zip by at about 40 miles per hour today.

Ft. Leavenworth-Ft.Scott Military Road? All I knew was what I could infer from the context. Obviously it was a road used by the military to get from Ft. Leavenworth to Ft. Scott. Seems simple enough.

But I thought there must be more to the story, or else why put up a sign? So I did a quick Google search.

According to this detailed and lengthy (if somewhat dry) account from the Kansas State Historical Society, the need for the road arose in the early to mid-1800s as the U.S. pushed the indigenous Indian populations into the "Indian territories" -- what today is Kansas and Oklahoma.

This was back before the residents of Missouri had to worry about fighting to keep their slaves from being freed by those pesky Kansans.

Back then, they were more worried about the Choctaw, Shawnee and Cherokee who might have felt a bit peeved, a bit miffed about being forcibly removed from their native lands after passage of the Indian Removal Act of 1830.

So starting in about 1835 there was strong congressional interest in building a road along the then western edge of the United States from Iowa to Arkansas that would act as a kind of border that the U.S. Army could patrol.

By 1842 with the establishment of Ft. Scott, the military road was pretty much completed.

The road was heavily used by military and commercial interest and was important as the only direct route from Iowa to Arkansas and Texas.

But it didn't take long for westward expansion to leave it behind.

As the frontier advanced westward the importance of Fort Scott decreased. In 1852 present Fort Riley was established as Camp Center on the Kansas river at what was thought to be the head of navigation of that stream. The following year Fort Scott was abandoned.

The military road, however, continued for several years to be an important highway. In 1854 Kansas became a territory and a law enacted by the first Kansas territorial legislature (meeting in 1855) stated: "The road as now located and opened from Fort Leavenworth to Fort Scott, known as the military road, is hereby declared a territorial road." Within this decade other highways, came to be more traveled. Only a few landmarks can be pointed out today as marking the route of the old Western military road in Kansas.

Related:
Atomic Cannon
The Answer My friend

tagged: history, Kansas, Native American Indians, Ft. Leavenworth, Ft. Scott, military, Missouri

Metro GOOB Watch: Limited

Intrepid reader Kansas Sity Sinic correctly pointed out that Harold's isn't the only lower-upper-middle class clothier calling it quits in Leawood.

The Limited store is also closing it's Town Center Plaza location

Women's clothing stores seem to be taking a particular beating around the metro area, as NBC Action News recently reported that The Limited Too was closing in The Big Ass Mall of Olathe and on The Country Club Plaza (evidently, the closing of women's clothing stores constitutes "action news" in this town).

So all you ladies (and Chris Packham) have a great opportunity to expand your wardrobes.

Related:
Metro GOOB Watch: Rainforest Cafe
Metro GOOB Watch: Harold's

tagged: economy, business, Johnson County, Kansas, The Limited, Leawood

The beginning of a new error

I have to applaud Midtown Miscreant for his healthy skepticism about the Obama Administration.

In his post the other day (which I am just now getting caught up on), he points out that many of the most rabid supporters of B.O. will be disappointed by the new administration.

It is the supporters of Obama who will be his downfall should he fail to live up to their expectations. I hate to burst bubbles here, but the high level of expectations placed on Obama will guarantee he will only play 4 and out, just like Carter.

Unfortunately I'm going to have to disagree with Midtown for the second time in as many posts. But, unlike some people, I'll explain why he's wrong rather than just call him names.

While the analysis is solid as far as it goes, MM has miscalculated the nature of Obama's supporters, and of supporters of either of the two fake political parties.

You see, politics is not about policies. Politics is a spectator sport. The new opiate of the masses.

Slightly more than half of the voting public are fans of Team Obama. And like the sorry saps who think every fall that the Chiefs have a chance at the playoffs, fans of Obama aren't going to change their allegiance no matter how badly he performs.

We're at a time in American politics where there is very little difference between the two main political parties. It's like being a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs or being a fan of the Detroit Lions. You choose the side you like and you stick with them. It doesn't matter to the fans that both teams are playing the same game with very similar tactics and trying to score the same goals.

In fact, the fans like it that way. It makes it easier for them to follow the sport. They don't really have to think about anything since they can just look at a red and blue chart accompanied by an electoral vote scoreboard.

And as with sports, you can look at the recent past to determine future trends.

Make no mistake. Obama supporters are no different from those who blindly supported his predecessor through two administrations. Bush's mistakes didn't cost him a second term, and Obama's mistakes won't cost him a second term.

In the past 32 years, there have only been two presidents who have served single terms. Being an incumbent president of a country where voters don't care about policy is a huge advantage.

All you have to do is keep making trite sentimental meaningless statements that appeal to the emotions of your audience. You only have to win their hearts, not their minds. Years of watching Deal or No Dancing with America's Top Survivor Idol have pretty much ensured that most voters don't have much of a mind anyway.

So, will B.O. make mistakes? Absolutely. Hell he already has and he hasn't even been in office for 24 hours yet.

But it won't matter. The B.O. apologists have already started lowering their expectations. An eight-year administration is a virtual lock.

It's politics as usual, unfortunately.

related:

• The more things change
• Meet the old boss, same as the new boss
• The very model of a modern hypocritical
• Meet the old boss, same as the new boss (Part II)

tagged: election, vote, politicians, change, money,Obama,sports,