Random Photo XLI: Beneath the pale glow of a street lamp

Couple of pictures of last night's snowfall.

I like the first one with the exception of the ugly pickup truck in the background. I wish I had moved to the left a few paces so I could crop it out…

Also, the snowflakes weren't as pronounced as I wanted them to be. I think they were just too small by this time to photograph the way I wanted them.

I did get this one, though, which I think is kind of interesting…


tagged: random photo, Kansas, winter, snow, night, picture, weather

Local gal makes good…satire

If, like me, you're a fan of the LOLz then you're probably a big fan of The Onion, America's finest satire source.

You might also have been eagerly anticipating the premier of Onion Sports Network's SportsDome on Comedy Central. And I'm assuming, since you're like me, that you have impeccable taste and a great sense of humor but nonetheless you were a little underwhelmed by the premier.

I don't know, I guess you just had really high expectations. Sure, you thought it had it's good moments, but I guess you just thought it fell a bit flat… if you're like me.

But that's not really what I wanted to focus on right now.

What I wanted to mention was that a featured part of SportsDome involved a former minor Kansas City demicelebrity.

You may know her as Melissa Wells… here reporting on the city of St. Louis conferring dictator-for-life status upon slugger Albert Pujols.

Onion SportsDome

The actress playing sports announcer Melissa Wells is none other than former Kansas City resident Danyelle Sargent. You may remember her as an actual non-satirical sports reporter for Time Warner Cable-Kansas City's Metro Sports, or perhaps as the sideline reporter for the sucktacular Kansas City Chiefs in 2004.

But, chances are that if you remember her at all, it's probably more for the on-air f-bomb she dropped after climbing the broadcast ladder to a desk spot at ESPN. it was a huge Internet sensation…


It seems that little slip, followed by a later on-air gaffe during an interview with Mike Singletary cost her a promising career in real sportscasting. But I'm not her to throw stones. I mean, hey, I pretty much live with my foot in my mouth.

I actually think working in the satirical news is a step up from ESPN. Maybe not money-wise, hell it is Comedy Central after all. But in terms of respect and meaning, I consider satire a higher calling than lame-ass sports reporting.

Plus, it gives her a chance to make fun of those smug bastards at ESPN who fired her.

tagged: The Onion, SportsDome, Comedy Central, Melissa Wells, Danyelle Sargent, Kansas City, pop culture, media

YouTube Tuesday: My Oh My

A few months ago I remarked, only half-joking, that I'd vote for any candidate who used this as the theme song for their campaign...



We can ride this stormy weather
If we all get out and try
So let's all pull together, my oh my

tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, music, video, Slade, My Oh My, I Love The 80s

What's your sign

By now I'm sure you've heard that the ancient, accurate and well-respected system of Astrology has been rocked by changes in the zodiac signs and dates.

I'll leave it up to you to figure out what affect this will have on your weekend plans. I'm just glad that, for me, according to the new zodiac, I'm still considered a Drunkard.

tagged: astrology, zodiac, sign, pseudoscience, superstition, drunkard

Mr. Emaw's Neighborhood: Chapter 2 — For the Kids

When your kids start going to school, you're bound to run into minor differences of opinion in regards to parenting.

On occasion they can be major differences, but mostly (at least in our school district) all the parents want pretty much the same thing for their kids: good education, health, happiness, etc.

Well, it was one of these minor differences of opinion that I experienced the other day. I was picking up my kid from the after-school care in the lower level of the elementary. I bumped into the mother of my kid's best friend, and we were chit-chatting while our respective kids got their respective gear together so we could go to our respective homes.

Nothing but respect here.

As we were chatting an hyperacting 7-year-old boy came scurrying down the hall like a gerbil on meth. Eyes wide, hair wild, he looked at me and exclaimed, "Did you see all the snow we got! I can't wait to get home and play in it! Woooooo!"

This was followed by a back flip and a maneuver in which he ran up one wall, across the ceiling and down the other to stop and gave an unreturned high-five in front of me.

I, without so much as a pause, gave him my best "sorry to burst your bubble" look and said, "Oooh, yeah. Have you been outside since you got to school this morning?

"No," he said.

"Mmmm. Yeah. Well, it's been so sunny today that all the snow has melted. It's just a soggy muddy mess out there right now. Bummer, kid."

I swear, the kid shrank at least an inch. His shoulders, formerly held high in excitement, slumped in disappointment. His face, a few seconds ago alight with the enthusiasm of youth, was suddenly gloomy as a San Francisco summer.

With heavy feet, he trudged despondently back into the nearby classroom to ponder the cruelties of fate at robbing him of his fun in the snow.

My neighbor, the mother with whom I had been visiting, looked at me, a little surprised but also amused.

"You're mean," she said, smiling at my little joke.

But you know what? I don't really think it was all that mean. Sure I was having a bit of fun at the expense of this kid. But isn't that why we have kids in the first place? For the LOLZ?

But the way I see it, I was doing the kid a favor.

I mean, think about how happy he was when his parents picked him up and he went outside to see his winter wonderland intact and ready for sledding.

And besides, it was a valuable lesson for the young chap. Don't trust everything people tell you, especially if they're over 30. Gather evidence before jumping to conclusions.

And above all, don't let the words of a bunch of nattering nabobs of negativity dash your dreams or winter fun.

tagged: snow, school, neighbor, neighborhood, life lessons, kids, parenting

Give Mercedes a chance

Okay, I'm only going to say this to you numskull kids one more time.

I'm glad you're all for peace and everything. I condemn the shooting of anyone, be they politicians or just regular schleps like me. So yeah, I agree with your basic premise here.

But let's get something straight once and for all.

This is the international sign for Peace.

It's customary, and some would say you're even encouraged, to take some artistic license in your reproductions of it. Hence…Or…Or even…
But unless you want to look like a complete idiot in front of the entire nation and set John Lennon spinning in his grave, you shouldn't use the Mercedes Benz logo:
I'm just sayin'…
tagged: Peace, sign, logo, Mercedes, advertising

Random Photo XL: snow cone

It's the first really significant snowfall we've had around here this winter, which means lots of people will be publishing their snow pix.

Well, let me be the first. You can't blame me. Snow, as fake Miley Cryus would say, is pretty cool.


tagged: weather, snow, winter, Random Photo, Miley Cyrus

Are we human, or are we denser

I've maintained for a while on this piece o'crap blog that we, as a species, are pretty much on the downhill side of our existence.

Sure, there are more of us than ever on the planet. And yes, we are more technically advanced than we have ever been. One could argue that over the past decade or so we've taken a leap in interpersonal connection and communication the likes of which haven't been seen since Gutenberg first moved type around to impress the ladies.

But then again, look what we're communicating. At best, it's ghoulish drooling over the latest tragedy. Whether a collapsed coal mine, an exploded oil platform or a mass shooting, our vulturous media stokes our schadenfreude until we're so jaded that nothing affects us anymore. And that's the best case scenario.

The worst case scenario is that the media stuffs us so full of intellectual junk food (which we consume with gusto) that we can no longer tell the difference between relevant an unhealthy. When supposed luminaries like Barbara Walters are soooooo fascinated by the barely trainable cast of Jersey Shore, well, let's just say that it's a wonder any of us are still walking upright.

Not that we'll be walking upright for much longer, at least if you look at the "progress" of our culture over the last, say, 40 years. But who am I, right? I'm just an amateur culture observer. Don't take my word for it.

Take the word of people who actually study the human brain for a living.

Over the past 20,000 years, the average volume of the human male brain has decreased from 1,500 cubic centimeters to 1,350 cc, losing a chunk the size of a tennis ball. The female brain has shrunk by about the same proportion.

“I’d call that major downsizing in an evolutionary eyeblink,” he says. “This happened in China, Europe, Africa—everywhere we look.” If our brain keeps dwindling at that rate over the next 20,000 years, it will start to approach the size of that found in Homo erectus, a relative that lived half a million years ago and had a brain volume of only 1,100 cc.

Oh sure, you may have some scientists who hypothesize that this evolutionary trend is merely the brain reorganizing itself to excel in handling the challenges of modern man, such as memorizing the DVR program, or texting and driving at the same time.

But that's just an optimistic rationalization by people who don't want to, or are incapable of, accepting the real truth. Which is that for the past 30 or 40 years, our society has been naturally selecting for dumber and dumber offspring. I mean, just take a look at the first 20 minutes of Idiocracy. It's a simple numbers game. The smart people know that overpopulation is unsustainable and take steps to limit their offspring. The less intellectually advantaged? Not so much.



Anyway, I'm not claiming to be the last word on this. And I'm definitely not as sharp as our cro-magnon forefathers. But I do know that you can't fight evolution. It will be what it will be, and the only thing you can really do is sing a catchy tune and maybe dance about it while your here.

Oh, and for those of you who are way ahead of the evolutionary curve on this issue, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys.*



*Homage to Douglas Adams.

tagged: science, evolution, brain, Human, Idiocracy, The Killers, Jersey Shore, homo erectus

Another million dollar idea to start out the year

Lots of people know that I come up with a couple of brilliant million-dollar ideas each quarter. It's just part of what I do.

Whether it's indicator plastic wrap, cargo-style dress slacks, or my excellent idea for Tixaqyll, each and every one of these gems is guaranteed to be solid gold.

Well this year the inspiration came early as we were watching some generic New Year's Day football game. We began mocking all the advertisements pushing special deals on gym memberships and special meal plans to help people loose those extra pounds and keep their New Year's resolutions.

And as conversations go, one thing led to another. We talked about how people should just start exercising more instead of sitting around watching generic New Year's Day football games. You don't need a gym membership, do you?

That's when it clicked. Combine something that people need but don't want (in this case exercise), with something they love but don't need, i.e., sitting on your ass watching a big screen playing mindless programming.

Put them both together and you get… The Gym Theater.

You know how AMC has been building out their Fork and Screen concept? Where you go and have a real meal at a table and everything while you watch the latest lame-ass chick flick?

Well this is kind of the opposite of that. Instead of sitting there watching Zack Galifianakis while you eat your way toward looking like him, you instead hop on a stationary bike or treadmill or elliptical machine and burn a few hundred calories.

Sure, you might need to provide audio jacks for headphones or ear buds or something to overcome the noise of the machinery. But from what I understand, people typically listen to iPods or something while they work out anyway.

The beauty is that theaters could sell this as a monthly membership fee deal, so they would be locking in a regular revenue stream.

Okay, AMC. There's the idea. I'll let you take this one and run with it. But I think a finder's fee of 10% is reasonable and customary, right?

tagged: theater, gym, idea, exercise, weight loss, New Year's Resolution, work out Zack Galifianakis, Hans and Franz

YouTube Tuesday: Brick Thief

Hows about a nice little bit of stop-motion quirkiness to kick off the new year.

Thanks. Don't mind if I do.



Hat Tip to Illegal Advertising

tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, video, short, film, LEGO, stop-motion