Happy VD!!

Best wishes to my reader.
tagged: Valentine, Valentine's Day, The Office, holiday, humor

Harpooning a loophole

My supermodel wife and I were working on the 2005 tax return this weekend. The mere mention of the "T" word makes me shudder with nausea.

Most of the year, unless I'm drawn into a political discussion, I can exercise some mental gymnastics to at least convince myself not to think about all the money that I earn that the government takes from me to spend on things like buying cigarettes for homeless people or fighting wars against poverty, terrorism, drugs, hurricanes, wildfires, ozone, or whatever the cause du jour is.

But during tax time, I have to face it. The figures and dollar signs are all right there in black and white in triplicate. I have a theory that per-capita alcohol consumption increases during this time of year, and it's not because of the Super Bowl.

Luckily, I think I've found a loophole. All I have to do is change professions. As I was googling for information regarding the limits and processes for deductions on charitable contributions of property, I ran across this little chestnut in IRS Publication 526.

"Expenses of Whaling Captains

Beginning in 2005, you may be able to deduct as a charitable contribution the reasonable and necessary whaling expenses paid during the year in carrying out sanctioned whaling activities."

That's right. All I have to do is become a Whaling Captain, and I'll be able to deduct pretty much all of the "reasonable and necessary" expenses of doing my job.

Now, granted, it might be difficult to find a lot of whales in Kansas. I mean, the Missouri River and Tuttle Creek Reservoir are the largest bodies of water (not counting the Ogollala, which is drying up anyway.) But I didn't read in IRS Publication 526 that you had to be a successful whaling captain.

For once the government has passed a tax law that helps me.
tagged: tax, taxes, IRS, deduction, Kansas, whaling, government, humor

Who is Roc Swizec?

So I'm taking a leisurely amble through the recent server logs for this blog (that's right, I'm checking up on you), when I noticed a link from blogshares.com. Since, like George Bush and the NSA, I'm always trying to spy on everyone on the Internet, and also because I'm a little curious, I clicked the link to check it out.

Blogshares, it turns out, is a derivative of the fantasy stock market game -- using blogs as the "companies" traded. So when you submit your blog, there are a number of shares and the shares are assigned a market value based on quality of and demand for such shares.

I know, I don' really understand the stock market either.

But I was surprised to find the shares for Three O'Clock in the Morning fetching an impressive B$19.24 each (B$= "blog" dollars, duh).

Not only that, but the market valuation for this blog came in at a whopping B$3,180.84, a small number now, but just take a look at the growth curve. And according to the Blogshares analyst (whoever that is) my blog "is a growing blog (BUY)" and my "stock is underpriced (BUY)"

But whom do I have to thank for this. Well, the only person to "buy" stock in my blog is the enigmatic Roc Swizec. Very little is known about Mr. Swizec. He seems to be a very mysterious figure. I only hope he isn't involved with some kind of nefarious underground blog crime ring.

But if he is, maybe he can help be convert some of this B$ into real cannolis (as Tony Soprano would say).

tagged: blogshares, stock market, blog, humor

Roeland Row

It looks like the city council in Roeland Park is taking diplomacy lessons from the Jackson County Legislature.

According to intrepid reporter Michelle Burhenn, discussion at a recent council meeting devolved in the end into petty bickering and name calling.

The mayor accused one of the council members of misuse of a credit card, the council blasted the mayor for appointing himself to a meaningless historical committee, blah blah blah.

The only thing missing was a fistfight, which I guess shows that Johnson County is still much more civilized than KCMO.

tagged: Roeland Park, Kansas, City Council, politics, government, civility, Humor

Priorities

A friend and fellow KSU alumnus sent this story to me. I don't know whether it's true, but if it is, it represents a set of priorities that is in short supply in the world of athletics. Are there any K-State fans out there who can confirm this? Ron Prince came to KSU from the University of Virginia. Any insight from that community?

"A young boy was throwing a football around with his older brother after school at the end of January. The little boy loved football and K-State. The family are also huge K-State fans.

While the little boy was running for the football that his older brother had thrown, he fell on a hard service and severely injured his neck/throat on the school sign. His older brother carried him into the school to receive help. On the way to the hospital the little boy died.

With Halstead being such a small community everyone was crushed. So the counselor of the school emailed K-State the day before funeral service to tell them what happened and I guess was hoping to get a card or something for the older brother.

Obviously he was extremely upset. The morning of the funeral the counselor gets an email from Ron Prince asking what time the service is. She replies that it's that morning only only two hours from then.
Fifteen minutes into the funeral service Coach Prince walked in. He stayed afterwards to talk with the family and the older brother who was obviously taking it very hard.

Needless to say the town was amazed by this. The principle who is a huge KU fan (named his dog Jayhawk) was taken back by this and said he probably do something he swore he'd never do - start cheering for K-State.

This is a true story, but the funeral was in Newton and the boy and his family were from Halstead, KS. The only thing that makes this story even more impressive about Coach Prince is that this funeral was the morning before Signing Day and thus, the final day to sign recruits for the 2006 season.

Coach Prince got in his car and drove directly to the funeral as soon as the school counselor returned his call last Tuesday morning. Coach Prince said it was one of the most difficult things he has ever witnessed (a funeral for a young child) and that HE was buoyed by the strength of the boys' family. The 12 year-old boy who died has an older sister who is enrolled at KSU."

tagged: football, death, K-State, Kansas, KSU, Ron Prince, University of Virginia, UVA

Razors edges

My grandmother is 94 years old. Almost a century.

She's seen America blossom from an agrarian upstart to a techno-superpower. From the nascence of flight to the moon landing, the splitting of the atom and the printed circuit, her life has born witness to technological advances that would seem like miracles just 200 years ago.

And, as of Sunday night, I witnessed the unveiling of one of those advances as well.

Fusion.

No, not nuclear fusion. Rather, the new Fusion razor from Gillette. This astounding advance in shaving technology was launched with a Super Bowl ad that was glitzy enough to send metrosexual men everywhere into a twitter.

The new device one-ups the four-bladed battery-powered Schick Quattro by adding an additional cutting blade, as well as a computer-controlled battery-powered vibrating motor. What will they think of next (lemme guess, six blades)?

But this latest escalation of the blade wars gave me pause to ask myself: Just because we can develop a five-bladed razor, should we?

I remember when I was a young lad and first began to grow fuzz on my chin, I was content to use a single-bladed razor. Then, when Gillette launched the radical new two bladed Sensor, I became hooked on the $5-dollar blade refills. It truly did seem to give me a closer shave.

But five blades!?!? Do we really know what we're getting into? I mean, where will it all end? How can we be sure this five-bladed technology will be used for good instead of evil.

I seriously think it's time to rethink our national addiction to multi-bladed, computer-chip-controlled vibrating razors. We have to think of the future. What kind of clean-shaven world do we want to leave for our children and grandchildren?

I hereby call for the government to step in and regulate the development of multi-bladed razors as well as the research into other advanced hair removal technology. Please join me by writing to your senators and congressmen (don't bother with the congresswomen), to insist upon the establishment of an independent committee to study the issue.

tagged: media, Super Bowl, razor, Fusion, blade, technology, metrosexual, humor

Another side

I wanted to post a huge thanks for Front Bumper's comments on this post and for his post on a similar topic on his blog.

Particularly, it's encouraging to note the list of Syrian bloggers who have the kind of response a reasonable person might expect. The sentiments of these people and more like them represent the best hope for peace and progress.

Here is a partial list with some quotes:

The Damascene Blog

Everything went well until the mobs took out to the streets on Saturday. It is quite unfortunate to see that the Muslim street is still controlled by extremist ideas that are, in fact, very un-Islamic. The mobs harmed the cause and gave another blow to the image of Islam. If this is what protests will be like, they should stop immediately. As long as the extremists control the street, moderate Muslims will fail to defend their religion properly and will always find themselves between a rock and a hard place.

Earth to Omar

I don’t get it! If anything we are now in a worse situation than we were before. I can just imagine millions of people in Europe right now saying “see, I told you so”. What bothers me is how easy it is for a bunch of thugs to come along and create such a horrible image for Arabs. The people who commit such acts are the ones who fuel the western media with excellent news stories which further echo Arab fanaticism and ignorance.

Bits & Bites of Syria

I felt furious for this kind of response. This is not us, or at least, not what I thought we were not!

I welcomed, both, the commercial and diplomatic actions in response to the cartoons that mocked the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), and for once, I felt that we are reacting in a civilized manner! Not any more!

tagged: blog, cartoons, Islam, Muslim, Muhammad , Syria, Danish, embassy, Muhammad Cartoon, Muslim Cartoon

Making Muhammad proud

From the AP:

• Muslims rampaged Sunday in Beirut, setting fire to the Danish Embassy,
  
• flames and smoke billowed from the building. Security officials said at least 30 people were injured.
  
• lobbing stones at a Maronite Catholic church
  
• demonstrators in Syria charged security barriers outside the Danish and Norwegian embassies in Damascus and sent the buildings up in flames

The Prophet Muhammad must be so proud of these acts. They are sure to advance the cause of Islam all over the world.

tagged: media, cartoons, Islam, Muslim, Muhammad , Iraq, Danish, al-Sistani, Muhammad Cartoon, Muslim Cartoon

When the Shiite hits the fan

I heard and read about the recent demonstrations by the Muslim communities in Europe and the Middle East.

What is stirring up the controversy? Abuses at Abu Grahib? High unemployment and racism in Paris? The rising civilian death toll in Iraq?

Nope. All of the recent protests and outrage are the result of a Danish editorial cartoon. The cartoon depicts the Prophet Muhammad wearing a turban with a fuse attached, as if it were a bomb. The caricature was picked up and published by several newspapers throughout Europe and the Middle East.

Of course any reasonable Muslim would be offended, just as Christians are offended when Jesus is depicted in unflattering caricatures.

But the reactions in Europe and the middle east are, how shall I say, extreme. For example, according to the Associated Press, 150 demonstrators in Indonesia hurled eggs at the building housing the Danish Embassy, then stormed in, pushing past security guards.

The problem is that all of this outrage is misplaced. The editorial cartoon is the reflection of a world view that has developed as a result of the actions of extreme element of the religion.

There should be outrage by Muslims, but is should be directed inward (in-rage?) toward the people in their religion who adopt violent and terroristic tactics, thus undermining the message of peace, love and understanding from mainstream Muslims.

Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, the top Shiite cleric in Iraq, hit the nail near the head when he said the militant Muslims bore part of the blame for distorting Islam's image.

According to the AP, he referred to "misguided and oppressive" segments of the Muslim community and said their actions "projected a distorted and dark image of the faith of justice, love and brotherhood."

What I would like to see is a call by the Muslim leadership, both abroad and in the U.S., for large demonstrations to denounce the militant edges of the Islam. That would go much farther than burning a Danish flag.

tagged: media, cartoons, Islam, Muslim, Muhammad , Iraq, Danish, al-Sistani, Muhammad Cartoon, Muslim Cartoon

Why I play golf

A lot of people I talk to, particularly women, don't get the point of golf.

"You're hitting a little white ball," they say. "You hit it, walk over to where it lands, and hit it again. What's the point."

For those people, I'm publishing 7 reasons why I play golf. I think you'll agree that this list makes a compelling argument.

Reason #1
Reason #2
Reason #3
Reason#4
Reason #5
Reason #6

And perhaps one of the most important reasons of all...
Reason #7
Brings new meaning to the phrase "A hole in one."

Mad props to my supermodel sister-in-law for the tip.

tagged: humor, golf, nude, random