You dirty rotten filthy stinking animals

I try to be moderate. I try to be tolerant.

I try to practice the libertarian "live and let live" philosophy that I tell myself I believe in.

I don't want to live in a nanny state. I think people should focus more on their responsibilities than their rights.

When someone proposes banning a breed of dog, or banning advertisements for fast food, my first response is "Whoa now, let's not be so hasty!"

But you science-damned smokers make it really fucking hard.

I want to be against the proposed metro area ban on smoking in public places. I want to oppose measures like Germany's proposed ban on smoking while driving, which -- let's face it -- is the next logical step in this country.

But you dirty smokers make it impossible for me not to turn socialist on this issue.

It's bad enough that I have to walk through a cloud of cigarette smoke when I get to work. Science forbid you use the designated smoking area.

It's bad enough that I can't stop at any freakin' intersection in this city without looking out my car window and seeing a pile of cigarette butts in the gutters.

The last straw happened this weekend as we were returning from an out-of-town trip. I'm driving down I-35, eager to get home, when a disgusting Selma Bouvier driving a rusted red Oldsmobuick flicked her butt out her window.

It landed squarely with a flash of burning ash on my windshield, sending my internal dialog into a stream of obscenities.

You dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking, vile, detestable animals. You know how abominable those butts are. You'd rather throw them out your window than sully your own rust bucket with them.

It's obvious that smokers can't handle their responsibilities as smokers (let alone functioning citizens of our society). I hate to say it, but you can now sign me up as a supporter of any and all anti-smoking proposals that might be in the works.
tagged: Kansas, Missouri, smoker, smoking, cigarette, butt, litter, environmentalist, environment

Friday Blogthing: Not in a NY state of mind

Yeah, this is about right. No offense to the east coasters, but I'll take San Francisco over NY any day of the week.

You Are 32% NYC

Okay, so maybe you've been to NYC. But you probably really live in Connecticut.

How NYC Are You?

tagged: quizz, New York, San Francisco

Headlines: 1st Beaver spotted in NYC in 200 years

This is great news for NYC.
Here's the key quote from the story:

"It had to happen because beaver populations are expanding, and their habitats are shrinking," said Dietland Muller-Schwarze, a beaver expert at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry in Syracuse. "We're probably going to see more of them in the future."

This is true, even in these parts. A casual stroll through Westport on any Friday or Saturday night shows how even the furriest beavers seem to be bursting out of their surroundings.

Fortunately, there has never been a shortage of beaver in Kansas City, although I've heard that it's been at least 200 years since Larry Moore has seen one.

tagged: news, headlines, wildlife, beaver, Westport, Larry Moore

Tossing your chicken

I haven't mentioned the defeat my alma mater suffered to the KU Jayhawks last weekend. It got a lot of press around these parts and marks the 34th time K-State has lost to KU at Bramlage Coliseum.

It was a good game and the 'Cats, who took the lead into halftime, showed that they're getting better.

But the bigger controversy came before the game when some of the students tossed a chicken onto the court, a mockery of the KU mascot. There is some discrepancy on whether the chicken died when it hit the court or if it died whilst being smuggled into the arena.

Nevertheless, at some point it died. And this offended some people with a softer constitution. The whole stunt was a call back to the days of Ahearn Fieldhouse when the chicken toss was commonplace during games with big rivals. As such, it plucked the more nostalgic of my heartstrings.

Don’t get me wrong, the death of the chicken was tragic. But in my defense, I've really cut back on the amount of chicken tossing I do.

I remember when I was in junior high and high school, I used to toss my chicken four or five times a week if not more. One time, my mom walked in on me tossing my chicken, talk about embarrassing!

When I got to college, I became interested in other things. My social calendar got in the way of chicken tossing and to be honest, when you're going out with a hot Gamma Phi Beta, you don't need to rely on tossing your chicken for thrills. Nevertheless, I still would toss my chicken every once in a while when the mood would strike me.

Since I got married, I find that I very rarely toss my chicken. And when I do I'm very discreet about it. It's just not something that a man of my age and social stature should make a habit of doing.

But I have to admit, there is still a guilty part of me that occasionally enjoys a good chicken toss.

tagged: KSU , K-State , wildcats , KU , jayhawks , basketball , chicken, toss

I could've been a terrorist

One of the TV shows I watch a lot is Boston Legal.

When it first came out a season or two ago, I really liked it. This season? Not so much. I still watch it because there's nothing better during that time slot and what the hell else am I going to do if I don't watch TV.

But the story lines are just getting silly and goofy (a big, black transvestite and a lawyer stuck in a Buzz Lightyear costume? Puleeez!). I should expect as much from a show staring Candice Bergen.

Anyway, one recent episode featured William Shatner's character, Denny Crane, denied air travel to Hawaii because his name is on the federal no-fly list, suing the Office of Homeland Security.

I don't remember much about the episode (it was pretty forgettable) aside from the fact that I kept rolling my eyes at the overly melodramatic diatribes foisted by the actors-playing-lawyers. I guess what I find so irritating is the writers' penchant for finding any issue that is the tiniest bit topical and blowing it way out of proportion for the sake of soap opera drama.

The only reason I bring this up now is that I learned last weekend that I might be a terrorist.

That's right, I've been Denny Craned.

I found out about it when my attempt to use an airline's self-ticketing kiosk at KCI was thwarted by a message to "Please see the ticket agent."

So I had to go back and wait on line to see the airline worker. He took my confirmation number and punched it into his computer. A puzzled look crossed his face as he punched a few more keys and asked for my driver's license.

Then and exclamation of "Aha." A few keystrokes later and I had my boarding pass.

"It turns out your name is on the Federal No-Fly list," he told me.

Immediately I thought to myself "Damn! They're on to me." But before I had a chance to shout "Derka Derka Mohammad jihad!" and make a run for short-term parking, the ticket agent said "I've corrected this. I just had to check your ID and make sure you are who you say you are. In the future when you book your flights you might want to include you're middle initial."

So, it turns out that I'm cleared for takeoff. And I didn't even get to sue Homeland Security.

tagged: Boston Legal, William Shatner, Candice Bergen, terrorist, no fly list, Hadji Girl

De-liverance

My Supermodel Wife and I are hosting one of her relatives and spouse this week.

Our family member needs a liver transplant and is in town for a battery of tests that takes a week to complete. Since they are family, we insisted that they bunk at our house so they don't have the added expense and hassle of a hotel.

We knew going into the deal that it would be a huge pain in the ass for us. But they're family, and family sticks together. I mean, having a liver transplant is no picnic either. Right?

Still, after half a week I've gained some valuable insights that I'll share with you now:

• They say family and fish stink after three days. Well, I can tell you that when the family member is a smoker, the stink begins immediately. There's a hovering haze of stale smoke stench hanging in our house*. I swear I don't know how smokers can stand to be around themselves.


• The amount of time the aforementioned smoke stench stays in your house is directly proportional to the number of cigarette butts left on you patio and driveway. Thanks again, smokers.


• I have developed a theory (though the first part is still untested by me personally) that the one thing worse than having a camera shoved up your ass is sitting at the dinner table hearing someone tell the story about getting a camera shoved up their ass.


• I have also developed a theory (also untested) that there is no polite way to say "Can't you shut the fuck up for five minutes! I'm trying to watch Dances With Wolves and you're making it impossible to read the subtitles!"

Hey, this is just me venting. Like I said, we wouldn't want them to stay anywhere else. And, to keep it in perspective, this will all be over in a couple of days. It better be anyway, or I'll cut out my own liver and do the transplant at home.

*How's that for alliteration!


tagged: family, relatives, liver transplant, venting, smoker, smoking

YouTube Tuesday: Leave it to Beever

Every few months I get cc'd on an email that attaches the art of Julian Beever.

Beever's art is a well-known Internet meme. The chalk drawings he makes on city streets feature amazingly accurate perspective studies. When viewed from the proper angle, his subjects seem to be emerging from a swimming pool dug into the street, or mining gold from the sidewalk.

When viewed from the wrong angle, they appear distorted and misshapen, impressing upon the viewer the amount of foresight and non-linear thinking required to make the drawings.

I've always wondered how he does it. But now I don't have to, since he has placed a video of his process on YouTube:



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, art, chalk, culture, sidewalk, drawing, Julian Beever

By the Dead Seaside

I mentioned previously that my Supermodel Wife and I went to Union Station Wednesday to see the famous Dead Sea Scrolls.

We were both excited to see this exhibit. It has certainly been ballyhooed in KC since it opened a few weeks ago. The actual experience didn't necessarily live up to my expectations. Don't get me wrong, there were some very positive points. But there were a few things that left me thinking it could have been much better.

First, despite the millions of dollars spent to bring the exhibit to KC, despite all of the preparation and publicity, when we actually arrived at Union Station the admission process didn’t say "We're excited you’re here and we want you to see this exhibit."

There was a single person selling tickets at the ticket counter. I imagine they typically don't need more than one person on a Wednesday morning at Union Station. From what I've heard, foot traffic can get pretty non-existent there. But one would think that the heightened traffic drawn by the Dead Sea Scrolls would have been anticipated, and our 20-minute wait on line could have been avoided.

When it was finally our turn with the ticket agent, we were told that the 11 a.m. was the earliest time we would be able to view the exhibit. I’m not sure why the viewings were scheduled in blocks like this, perhaps to limit the size of the crowd inside the exhibit. If that’s the case, why not just keep track of how many people go in and come out, thus ensuring a constant number of visitors at anyone time.

But hey, what do I know.

Once we actually were admitted to see the exhibit, it was pretty darn good. There was a good amount of archaeological and historical background detailing how the scrolls were found, how they were preserved, who wrote them and hid them, etc.

And thanks to a device called an "audio wand" – essentially an mp3 player with a keypad to dial up each audio track – those of us who are really lazy didn't have to read the comments throughout the exhibit because they were being read to us.

The scroll fragments themselves were very different from what I expected. Maybe it's too much Fiddler on the Roof, or Indiana Jones, but I had this vision in my mind of a Tora-type document rolled around wooden handles a couple of feet long. Of course I expected them to be highly deteriorated and barely legible after 2000 years.

The actual scrolls are only a few inches high, about the dimension of a roll of toilet paper. Though deteriorated by time, the writing that is left is exquisite. It is very clear and highly legible (assuming, of course, that you're fluent in ancient Aramaic or Hebrew).

Despite the hassle of getting in to see the scrolls, it was pretty amazing and awe inspiring to stand inches away from ancient texts that were written before the time of Black Jesus.

Should you go see the scrolls? If you're really into history as I am, go see them. If you don’t mind a few hassles, go see them. If you can afford the price of admission without sacrificing your Friday night weed money, go see them. And if you don’t mind hanging out with a bunch of oxygen tank breathing, walker using, slow moving geezers, go see them.

tagged: Kansas City, Union Station, Dead Sea Scrolls, history, antiquity, Hebrew

Thank science* it’s Saturday.

It was a hellacious week at work, and I’m on the road today through Monday for business travel. But now, at 7 a.m. on a Saturday, sitting in the airport terminal waiting for my flight to board, I finally have time to post an update. (Oh great! They just announced an hour delay due to snow in Chicago. Science* dammit!).

I say it was a rough week at work, and it was (and still is). The one notable exception was Wednesday. In case you weren’t there, Wednesday was Valentine’s Day. My Supermodel Wife and I started a new tradition this year: We both took a day of vacation to make sure we spent some really good quality time together (more on what we did later).

We gave each other the gift of ourselves.

I know what you’re thinking (you cheeky monkey) and your right, there was some of that later in the evening. But this was one of the best day’s ever. I can totally see why people would want to win the lottery and retire early.

*In compliance with the new Kansas State Board of Education science standards, we will no longer refer to the deity in such usages on this blog.

tagged: Valentine's Day, gift, relationships

Another headline I couldn't resist

Blind snake rediscovered after 100 years

A rare blind snake has been rediscovered a century after its last sighting. The snake, which looks like a long, skinny pink worm, was only known from two other specimens, both discovered in 1905.

“They’re really rare because they’re subterranean,” said blind-snake expert Van Wallach of Harvard University who described the new specimen. “You can’t just go out anytime you want and collect these things. You can dig forever and never find them.”

It turns out that a UMKC biologist has discovered another specimen of this blind, pink snake which hasn't seen the light of day in 100 years in Larry Moore's pants.


tagged: news, blind, pink, snake, Larry Moore, science