Tony is right again!

Gawdamit! You packed it up and split for the coast, and then things start getting interesting.

I’m talking about Tony’s well-considered, lucid post about what a true blogger is and how all of the poseurs are ruining the interweb for the rest of us.

Sure, he attracted a lot of defensive, whiner, low-self-esteem commenters. That was his (rather transparent) intention.

But he was also right on several counts.

You can’t really know someone unless you’ve met them. If you haven’t had a chance to shake the corporeal hand of a friend, to share drinks with him, maybe punch him in the face during a fight, but then make up later, you can’t really call him a friend.

The mere fact that you read a man’s thoughts on life every day for four years doesn’t give you the right to claim you know what he thinks.

Don’t assume that, by reading about a man’s life experiences, his loves, losses, joys and peccadilloes, you have earned the privilege of honoring him when he’s gone.

And absolutely do not even dare to think that your trifling thoughts about your cousin’s sister’s brothers colonoscopy passes (pun intended) for a decent blog post. You make me laugh.

There are certain standards to which all serious bloggers must adhere in order to maintain the dignity of the free press known as blogging. To do any less is to mock the form and expose yourself as a poseur and cretin.

For example, all true bloggers know that one key to real blog posts is hyperbolic criticism. It doesn’t really matter what you’re criticizing, as long as you do it with a high degree of rhetorical vehemence. In fact, it’s better to criticize everything, especially things you may have mistakenly not criticized in the past.

Just be sure to do it with the most extreme language possible. Use lots of ALLCAPS and RED COPY, too, fer Chrisakes.

Another thing that all serious bloggers realize as critical is the liberal use of stolen images of scantily clad women. If you don’t use lots of soft-core porn on you blog, well my friend, you can’t really call you site a blog, can you? How can you consider yourself the least bit credible without pictures of naked ladies everywhere? You can’t. So quit being a poseur!

Another thing you need to realize is that unless you’re me or Tony, your opinions and blog posts are weak. Your perspective is meaningless because you don’t know any minorities and you live in the suburbs. So don’t come onto the blogosphere with you lame, unoriginal weekly feature posts and pretend you have anything to contribute to the global discussion, fer cryin’ out loud!

And don't let me catch any of you losers blaming society's ills on anything other than racism. Everyone knows that all racial stereotypes are one hundred percent accurate except for the ones about Hispanic people being lazy and living in their parents' basements.

Finally, and this is may be the most important thing we can learn from Tony, always remember to qualify anything you write by saying that it’s just a joke and nobody should take it seriously. I mean any blogger who takes his writing seriously isn’t a real blogger and is ruining blogging for the rest of us who are serious about this form.
tagged: blogging, blogger, Kansas City, satire, Tony, hypocrisy

Friday Blogthing: Going back to Cali

Given the landlocked nature of the area, the result of this week's blogthing isn't really surprising. But with another business trip to SF (not "San Fran" you cretins!) on the agenda for next week, this topic seemed appropriate.

I still prefer San Francisco to New York.

You Are 8% California

You are a bogus Californian. Go back to the East Coast.

How California Are You?

tagged: Friday, test, California, San Francisco, meme, blog

I need to take a nice big healthy dump

I can't tell you how happy I'll be when things ease up in mid-October. Work really has me by the short and curlies lately and today I barely had time to leave a couple of wiseass comments on friends blogs.

So instead of doing an actual post today, I'm just taking a link dump.

I have this list of links I've been keeping in case I ever get a chance to be bored at work. Maybe you'll find them entertaining or interesting or whatever.

Poke my penguin (I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.)

Sarcasm Society (yeah. right.)

Googlebot Incognito (I didn't try this yet. If you try it and it works, let me know)

monoface (weird but sorta cool)

Last will in testament (Canadian comedy + Japanimation = mildly amusing)

Barrack's twitter (Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk, it's still Barrack and roll to me)

Gorillaz shooting range (Love forever love is free)

tagged: links, Barrak Obama, anime, monface, sarcasm, penguin, googlebot

Cracked rear view

You can learn a lot of good life lessons on a daily basis if, like me, you make a lot of stoopid mistakes.

Today is a great example.

Everything was going along well. Everyone got up, showered, dressed and fed in time for me to leave by 7:30 to get the kid to school and me to work.

So I hop in the car, buckle up, and put the care into reverse to pull out of the garage. So far, everything is going according to the usual daily routine.

Then, for a split second, I look down to adjust the air conditioner/defogger that I had turned on during yesterday's afternoon rush-hour downpour.

Bad idea.

As I turned the temperature dial from medium to cool, I heard the sickening crunch of plastic on metal. In my inattentive backing up, I had run my driver's side rearview mirror into the metal garage door track.

I wasn't moving very fast, and I hit the break immediately. But the damage had been done. The mirror is pulled away from the door about a quarter of an inch, and it cracked at the base where it connects to the car door.

My first auto accident of any kind since 1993. Son. Of. A. BITCH!

For the sake of the kid in the backseat, I managed to internalize a stream of obscenities. The rest of the morning drive went off as usual, and my temper was soothed a little by the conversation with the kid's teacher wherein I learned that she had a great day at school yesterday and yada, yada, yada.

During the short commute I tried to grasp for one of those aforementioned life lessons. Always stay focused on the task at hand? It's better to move forward to backward?

The best I could come up with is "Watch where you're fuckin' going!"

tagged: driving, accident, car, rear view, life, lesson

YouTube Tuesday: R.I.P. Greg

This week's YouTube Tuesday is dedicated to Greg Beck.

I won't be able to attend the funeral this morning (damn work), but if you have a chance (and a red dress), here's the info:

Funeral Services:
Tuesday, September 18th, 11:00am
Palestine Missionary Baptist Church of Jesus Christ
3619 E. 35th Street
Kansas City, Missouri 64127
816-921-6009
Please use the 35th Street entrance

And, just because it makes me feel a little bit better, here's a poem from one of my favorites, Billy Collins.


UPDATE: The Filegirl checks in with a nice update from the service. Thanks again, Filegirl, I hated to have missed it.

tagged: movie, YouTube, video, Greg Beck, Death's Door, The Dead, Billy Collins, funeral

Random photo V: The Lizard (smo)King

This excerpt from a mural in a popular Prairie Village tex-mex restaurant illustrates what everyone already knows: That smoking and drinking can make even cartoon iguanas look cool.

tagged: lizard, iguana, smoking, Prairie Village, Kansas, restaurant, dining

My Life's Soundtrack

I saw this on KCSponge's blog and it seemed like a good thing to do... at the time. Now, I'm not so sure. You be the judge.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, whatev)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...!

I was a little taken aback by the appropriateness and/or irony of some of the random selections (and I promise, they were all as random as my iPod would allow). Of course, some of them make no sense whatsoever. But that's to be expected, right.

Anyway, on to the Soundtrack of My Life:

Opening credits:
Sentimental Mood - St. Germaine (seems pretty appropriate)

Waking up:
Santa Monica - Savage Garden (how the hell did that get on there)

First day of school:
Penny Lane - The Beatles (again, very apropos)

Falling in love:
One Step Closer - U2 (okay, this is getting eerie)

First Song:
Evidence - Thelonious Monk

Fight Song:
I Fought The Law - The Clash (how cool is that!)

Breaking Up:
Wheel In The Sky - Journey (Yeah, I like Journey. You got a problem with that?)

Prom:
Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen (OMG! This is just freaky! What are the odds that I would get the SAME THING as Sponge!)

Life:
Mending Fences - Restless Heart (from my Supermodel Wife's music collection, but still strangely appropriate)

Mental Breakdown:
Anthem - Rush

Driving:
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Diana Krall (Okay, that's pretty damn random)

Flashback:
Fins - Jimmy Buffett

Getting back together:
You Don't Know What Love Is - Fenton Robinson (oh, the irony)

Wedding:
If I Hadn't Been High - Detroit Junior (Now THAT is funny)

Birth of child:
Scuttle Buttin' - Stevie Ray Vaughan

Death Scene:
Right Here Right Now - Jesus Jones (Guilty pleasure? Maybe. Great song? Absolutely.)

Funeral Song:
Driftin' - Eric Clapton

End Credits:
Little Old Wine Drinker Me - Dean Martin (great closing credits song)

tagged: meme, music, soundtrack, Eric Clapton, Dean Martin, Jesus Jones, St. Germain, Diana Krall, Jimmy Buffett, blues, Rush

Friday Blogthing: Powerful stuff

I don't really need much power. Just enough to utterly crush my enemies and squeeze national governments into my iron control. That's all.

Oh, and have a grande latte delivered to my desk every morning.

Your Power Level is: 71%

You're a very powerful person, and you know that all of your power comes from within. Keep on doing what you're doing, and you'll reach your goals.

How Powerful Are You?

tagged: Friday, test, power, enemies, meme, blog

Sunday drive

We've started a kind of ad-hoc family tradition this summer.

After church on most Sundays, during the drive home, we'll stop off at the Prairie Elementary School at 80-something and Mission Road to check out the incredible outdoor classroom they have created.

The gardens boast dozens of different vegetable and flower varieties. Our daughter was impressed with the sunflower, and took a few of the ripe seeds as a souvenir last Sunday.

There's also this really cool iron sculpture.

But the favorite of our soon-to-be-five-year-old is the pond with giant lily pads.

tagged: Kansas, Johnson County, family, Prairie Village, garden, science, waterlily

Knockin' on heaven's door

By now you've all read that reports of Greg Beck's death are true.

Damn. Just... Damn.

I expect there will be a ton of tribute posts today, each one of them well deserved. That's just the effect Greg had on people. He was one of the good guys, you know?

It's one of those weird-but-cool phenomena of blogging, you get to know people so well even though you may have never met them in person.

Anyway, I think this is the only thing I'll post today. It's from one of the first posts by Greg that I read when I discovered his blog a few years ago and one of the reasons I, like many, became addicted to his daily take on life.

One day I came home from work late and hopped into bed. Later the Roommate came home from her gig and hopped into bed. The Stressed Out Italian Stripper came home and I heard her stop at the bedroom door. I could feel her staring at the scene before her. In my bed laid myself and tucked in on the other side of me was the Roommate. I heard a deep sigh and then the Stressed Out Italian Stripper crawled in on the other side of me. I just laid there takin it all in, wow, I’m in bed with two hot women. Then the four cats and the stupid dog hopped into bed and that kind’a ruined that Penthouse moment.

and the monkey flipped the switch


Here are some other blogger thoughts and remembrances:

• Irish KC on Greg Beck
• Xavier Onassis says it well
• Tony's Link
• A moment of silence from Heather
• Local blog community has lost a voice
• Nightmare remembers
• Greg flipped Spyder's switch
• SmedRock is right, he was an icon
• Just "damn" from JustCara
• Rusty remembers Greg as a second father
• Happy In Bag, a little less happy
• m_toast toasts her friend
• Chromed Curses feels the way we all do
  

tagged: Greg Beck, Death's Door, blogger, Kansas City