Tony is right again!

Gawdamit! You packed it up and split for the coast, and then things start getting interesting.

I’m talking about Tony’s well-considered, lucid post about what a true blogger is and how all of the poseurs are ruining the interweb for the rest of us.

Sure, he attracted a lot of defensive, whiner, low-self-esteem commenters. That was his (rather transparent) intention.

But he was also right on several counts.

You can’t really know someone unless you’ve met them. If you haven’t had a chance to shake the corporeal hand of a friend, to share drinks with him, maybe punch him in the face during a fight, but then make up later, you can’t really call him a friend.

The mere fact that you read a man’s thoughts on life every day for four years doesn’t give you the right to claim you know what he thinks.

Don’t assume that, by reading about a man’s life experiences, his loves, losses, joys and peccadilloes, you have earned the privilege of honoring him when he’s gone.

And absolutely do not even dare to think that your trifling thoughts about your cousin’s sister’s brothers colonoscopy passes (pun intended) for a decent blog post. You make me laugh.

There are certain standards to which all serious bloggers must adhere in order to maintain the dignity of the free press known as blogging. To do any less is to mock the form and expose yourself as a poseur and cretin.

For example, all true bloggers know that one key to real blog posts is hyperbolic criticism. It doesn’t really matter what you’re criticizing, as long as you do it with a high degree of rhetorical vehemence. In fact, it’s better to criticize everything, especially things you may have mistakenly not criticized in the past.

Just be sure to do it with the most extreme language possible. Use lots of ALLCAPS and RED COPY, too, fer Chrisakes.

Another thing that all serious bloggers realize as critical is the liberal use of stolen images of scantily clad women. If you don’t use lots of soft-core porn on you blog, well my friend, you can’t really call you site a blog, can you? How can you consider yourself the least bit credible without pictures of naked ladies everywhere? You can’t. So quit being a poseur!

Another thing you need to realize is that unless you’re me or Tony, your opinions and blog posts are weak. Your perspective is meaningless because you don’t know any minorities and you live in the suburbs. So don’t come onto the blogosphere with you lame, unoriginal weekly feature posts and pretend you have anything to contribute to the global discussion, fer cryin’ out loud!

And don't let me catch any of you losers blaming society's ills on anything other than racism. Everyone knows that all racial stereotypes are one hundred percent accurate except for the ones about Hispanic people being lazy and living in their parents' basements.

Finally, and this is may be the most important thing we can learn from Tony, always remember to qualify anything you write by saying that it’s just a joke and nobody should take it seriously. I mean any blogger who takes his writing seriously isn’t a real blogger and is ruining blogging for the rest of us who are serious about this form.
tagged: blogging, blogger, Kansas City, satire, Tony, hypocrisy