Iran so far away

My man Mahmoud made a big splash in the Big Apple yesterday during his appearance at Columbia University.

Like many Americans, I didn’t realize how bad things actually are in Iran. First, unless you’re a Muslim, you’re a second-class citizen. And let’s face it, with all of the rules and laws around being a Muslim, even if you are a Muslim you’re a second-class citizen.

And talk about being out of the loop! If you’re in Iran, you have to deal with being in such a historical backwater that you don’t even know what World War II was about, and that was more than 50 year’s ago.

Then there’s all the sand. For the love of Allah, can you imagine how cranky you’d be when you wake up every morning with sand in your underwear? It would just about drive me to develop weapons of mass destruction.

But Ahmadinejad noted the worst thing about living in Iran.

In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don’t know who told you that we have it.

Can you imagine living in a country with such a scarcity of gay people? I mean, forget about the how the quality of your porn would suffer without cinematic glory of Lesbian Spank Inferno. Just consider how badly everyone must dress.

There’s no one in Iran “creative” enough to design clothes and keep everyone honest with biting, sarcastic criticism of everyone’s wardrobe.

That extends to all aspects of personal grooming for men. Just look at that picture of Mahmoud. If anyone is in need of some tips from the Fab Five, it’s this guy.

And I shudder to think about the sorry state of interior design in Iran. With no one qualified to match the right color with the right texture in your living room, everything must look like it was decorated by the men of the Delta House.

My friends, Mahmoud’s speech has really given me a new perspective on Iran. I pity those poor bastards.

tagged: Iran, Mahmoud, nuclear, Ahmadinejad, homosexuals, Columbia University, Muslim