I'm totally there

Actually, in my mind I'm already there.

Thursday Oct. 4 2007, 5pm

CHARLIE HOOPER'S BROOKSIDE BAR 816-361-8841
12 W 63rd St
Kansas City, MO 64113

Be there if you can. It should be a fun time, and hopefully The D won't show off his third testicle and ruin the party.

tagged: Kansas City, blogger, Charlie Hooper's, blog, meetup

YouTube Tuesday: The Ron Prince Stomp

Today's edition of YouTube Tuesday is in honor of a spectacular K-State win over the Texas Longhorns and in warning of the creampuff-filled Jayhawks of KU who come to Manhattan Saturday for a Sunflower State title tilt.


I also appreciate the dose of perspective Coach Prince provided later

Saturday, Prince explained his sideline celebration, saying, "If it was a dance, it's a bad one." He elaborated further Monday. "It's no fun just to stand there like a statue," he said. "It's a game. We're not curing cancer."

Beware the Prince Stomp. Let's just hope KU's Mark Mangino doesn't try something like this.

tagged: movie, YouTube, video, sports, football, KSU, K-State, Texas, Longhorns, Jayhawks

California on my mind

It's Monday already. Man, time can really get away from you. I returned from San Francisco last Wednesday evening and just wanted to dump a few thoughts out before they get away from me.

So here are a few thoughts/lessons I've brought back from my most recent trip to SF.

• Just because your host paid $360 for that bottle of 12-year-old Scotch, don't feel like you and the four other dudes in you party have to drink the entire thing. Scotch is a sippin' drink, and if you kill the bottle you'll regret it when you have to make it to a 9:30 flight the next morning.


• The people of Chinatown were celebrating the birth of the Peoples Republic of China when I arrived on Sept. 23, which coincidentally is my birthday. Happy Birthday PRC!




• When you're walking back to your hotel at 2 a.m. (Pacific time, that's 4 a.m. to you and me), it's okay to tip the homeless guy who serenades the ladies in you group with Ain't Too Proud To Beg. You have to appreciate the poetic honesty from a homeless guy.


• Weatherwise, San Francisco in the fall is beautiful. At least that's what I heard. It's hard to appreciate the great weather when you're holed up in a conference room all day. Oh well...


tagged: travel, Temptations, San Francisco, Chinatown, PRC, homeless, Scotch

Friday Blogthing: Flicked out

This week's Friday Blogthing is proudly, though involuntarily, submitted by Spyder at My Spyderweb.

Your Ideal Hairstyle:

Flicked Out

What Women's Hairstyle Is Right For You?

tagged: Friday, test, hair, style, meme, blog

YouTube Tuesday: Texas shuffle

Today's edition of YouTube Tuesday* is inspired by the upcoming tilt between my K-State Wildcats and the fearsome, top-ranked Longhorns from the University of Texas.

At least I thought they were fearsome. After seeing this video their helmet logo looks more and more like a female reproductive organ. Oh well, I guess you can't spell uterus without UT.


*Yes, I am aware that it's well passed Tuesday. Gimme a break, work is treating me like I slept with it's wife.

tagged: movie, YouTube, video, sports, football, KSU, K-State, Texas, Longhorns, uterus

Obscene gesture

I almost feel bad to be a Kansan. I feel a little guilty about the role of my fellow Sunflower State residents for once again pulling the steel wool over so many Missourians.

I'm referring of course to all of the poor, duped Missouri-types who are sooooo outraged by recent obscenity indictments in Johnson County.

You Missouri types are so easy. Must be the school systems, or possibly the generations of in-breeding.

But I do have some friends in Missouri, which is why I feel a slight twinge of guilt about this. So at the risk of ruining the fun for my fellow Kansans, I'm going to 'splain this jig to our slow neighbors to the east.

Conventional Missouri "wisdumb" is reflected by comments like

...you repressed, meddling, control-freak, Johnson County, Morality Gestapos really need to have someone pull the broomsticks out of your tight asses.

I can understand why someone with diminished mental capacity might feel this way about the story. On the surface, it appears that a bunch of prudes want to ruin the party for the rest of us by telling us what we can and can't buy.

But that's just on the surface. Hell, on the surface Brush Creek looks like it's NOT a conduit of raw sewage. But let's face it, Missourians aren't gifted at taking a deep look at an issue. Clay Chastain counted on this when he got them to vote for mass transit gondolas.

The thing is, you don't even have to look too deep into this obscenity indictments story to see what it's really about. It fact, it's written all over the newspapers and so-called local, so-called news TV stations.

But let me connect the dots for you anyway. With Halloween approaching and the economy in somewhat of a downturn, what better way to get publicity for your store than a controversial indictment?

According to my many inside sources, a secret cabal of Johnson County businessmen and political leaders hatched the scheme months ago. Using key sleeper agents planted at the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, the group was able to time the release of these indictments to coincide with a time when interest would already be high.

The group reasoned that an announcement that the stores are selling items that are too raunchy for public view would be sure to bring the depraved Missouri shoppers to Johnson County to spend their money.

And of course it worked like a charm. As soon as the story was released Missourians began to jump up and down in ape-like incredulity while driving their 1972 Pintos as fast as they could to Overland Park to buy Snake Charmers, Tricky Dicks and Country Lovin's.

So, once again, JoCo owns KCMO. And like I said, I do feel a little bit bad. To make up for it, I've got several hundred pairs of Billy Joel tickets. Anybody want one?

tagged: Kansas City, Johnson County, Halloween, obscene, obscenity, indictment, costume

Iran so far away

My man Mahmoud made a big splash in the Big Apple yesterday during his appearance at Columbia University.

Like many Americans, I didn’t realize how bad things actually are in Iran. First, unless you’re a Muslim, you’re a second-class citizen. And let’s face it, with all of the rules and laws around being a Muslim, even if you are a Muslim you’re a second-class citizen.

And talk about being out of the loop! If you’re in Iran, you have to deal with being in such a historical backwater that you don’t even know what World War II was about, and that was more than 50 year’s ago.

Then there’s all the sand. For the love of Allah, can you imagine how cranky you’d be when you wake up every morning with sand in your underwear? It would just about drive me to develop weapons of mass destruction.

But Ahmadinejad noted the worst thing about living in Iran.

In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don’t know who told you that we have it.

Can you imagine living in a country with such a scarcity of gay people? I mean, forget about the how the quality of your porn would suffer without cinematic glory of Lesbian Spank Inferno. Just consider how badly everyone must dress.

There’s no one in Iran “creative” enough to design clothes and keep everyone honest with biting, sarcastic criticism of everyone’s wardrobe.

That extends to all aspects of personal grooming for men. Just look at that picture of Mahmoud. If anyone is in need of some tips from the Fab Five, it’s this guy.

And I shudder to think about the sorry state of interior design in Iran. With no one qualified to match the right color with the right texture in your living room, everything must look like it was decorated by the men of the Delta House.

My friends, Mahmoud’s speech has really given me a new perspective on Iran. I pity those poor bastards.

tagged: Iran, Mahmoud, nuclear, Ahmadinejad, homosexuals, Columbia University, Muslim

Tony is right again!

Gawdamit! You packed it up and split for the coast, and then things start getting interesting.

I’m talking about Tony’s well-considered, lucid post about what a true blogger is and how all of the poseurs are ruining the interweb for the rest of us.

Sure, he attracted a lot of defensive, whiner, low-self-esteem commenters. That was his (rather transparent) intention.

But he was also right on several counts.

You can’t really know someone unless you’ve met them. If you haven’t had a chance to shake the corporeal hand of a friend, to share drinks with him, maybe punch him in the face during a fight, but then make up later, you can’t really call him a friend.

The mere fact that you read a man’s thoughts on life every day for four years doesn’t give you the right to claim you know what he thinks.

Don’t assume that, by reading about a man’s life experiences, his loves, losses, joys and peccadilloes, you have earned the privilege of honoring him when he’s gone.

And absolutely do not even dare to think that your trifling thoughts about your cousin’s sister’s brothers colonoscopy passes (pun intended) for a decent blog post. You make me laugh.

There are certain standards to which all serious bloggers must adhere in order to maintain the dignity of the free press known as blogging. To do any less is to mock the form and expose yourself as a poseur and cretin.

For example, all true bloggers know that one key to real blog posts is hyperbolic criticism. It doesn’t really matter what you’re criticizing, as long as you do it with a high degree of rhetorical vehemence. In fact, it’s better to criticize everything, especially things you may have mistakenly not criticized in the past.

Just be sure to do it with the most extreme language possible. Use lots of ALLCAPS and RED COPY, too, fer Chrisakes.

Another thing that all serious bloggers realize as critical is the liberal use of stolen images of scantily clad women. If you don’t use lots of soft-core porn on you blog, well my friend, you can’t really call you site a blog, can you? How can you consider yourself the least bit credible without pictures of naked ladies everywhere? You can’t. So quit being a poseur!

Another thing you need to realize is that unless you’re me or Tony, your opinions and blog posts are weak. Your perspective is meaningless because you don’t know any minorities and you live in the suburbs. So don’t come onto the blogosphere with you lame, unoriginal weekly feature posts and pretend you have anything to contribute to the global discussion, fer cryin’ out loud!

And don't let me catch any of you losers blaming society's ills on anything other than racism. Everyone knows that all racial stereotypes are one hundred percent accurate except for the ones about Hispanic people being lazy and living in their parents' basements.

Finally, and this is may be the most important thing we can learn from Tony, always remember to qualify anything you write by saying that it’s just a joke and nobody should take it seriously. I mean any blogger who takes his writing seriously isn’t a real blogger and is ruining blogging for the rest of us who are serious about this form.
tagged: blogging, blogger, Kansas City, satire, Tony, hypocrisy

Friday Blogthing: Going back to Cali

Given the landlocked nature of the area, the result of this week's blogthing isn't really surprising. But with another business trip to SF (not "San Fran" you cretins!) on the agenda for next week, this topic seemed appropriate.

I still prefer San Francisco to New York.

You Are 8% California

You are a bogus Californian. Go back to the East Coast.

How California Are You?

tagged: Friday, test, California, San Francisco, meme, blog

I need to take a nice big healthy dump

I can't tell you how happy I'll be when things ease up in mid-October. Work really has me by the short and curlies lately and today I barely had time to leave a couple of wiseass comments on friends blogs.

So instead of doing an actual post today, I'm just taking a link dump.

I have this list of links I've been keeping in case I ever get a chance to be bored at work. Maybe you'll find them entertaining or interesting or whatever.

Poke my penguin (I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.)

Sarcasm Society (yeah. right.)

Googlebot Incognito (I didn't try this yet. If you try it and it works, let me know)

monoface (weird but sorta cool)

Last will in testament (Canadian comedy + Japanimation = mildly amusing)

Barrack's twitter (Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk, it's still Barrack and roll to me)

Gorillaz shooting range (Love forever love is free)

tagged: links, Barrak Obama, anime, monface, sarcasm, penguin, googlebot