Back on the chain gang

First let me say it sucked to be back at work. I had about 250 unread emails in my inbox, the last couple of dozen from our email administrator robot telling me that my inbox is full and has been shut down.

But, luckily after a week off I'm re-energized and up to task of cleaning it out. And while I have a few minutes over lunch I thought I'd give a quick bullet point recap of last week:

• While taking the week off is inherently good, there are a few things I would recommend NOT doing on your vacation:
  
  
  1. Waiting on hold with TimeWarnerCable for an hour and a half to get your home email situation figured out since you lost all your account information in the infamous computer crash of 2007.
  2. Having your teeth cleaned (not that there's anything wrong with having your teeth cleaned other than the sharpened steel implements being jammed into your gums... it's just that you don't want to take time out of your vacation to do this).
  3. Taking your dog to the vet and learning that you need to collect a "fecal sample" and bring it back. I mean come on, isn't that what I'm paying the vet for?
     
     
• My Supermodel Wife and I tried on several occasions to go see a movie only to learn that there are no movies worth seeing, with the possible exception of 3:10 to Yuma which we could never work in schedule-wise. So we just went back to the house of a little "afternoon delight" (wink wink, nudge nudge).
  
  
• We had lunch one day at the new Blue Koi location on Mission Road. Just as good as the original in my opinion.
  
  
• I picked up a copy of No Country for Old Men last Friday and had torn through it by Tuesday evening. Great read, very approachable. My only complaint is that McCarthy took the easy way out on some of the plot points. But I can't wait for the movie to come out next month.
  
  
  
• Friday was my kid's class field trip to the Agricultural Hall of Fame in Bonner Springs. More on that later, but it was nice to have a family day together.

Well, that's about it. Doesn't sound like much, but it was great to be able to decompress after several months of high-intensity work shite.

It's back to the grind now, and back to providing top-quality blog entertainment to the adoring masses.

tagged: vacation, email, Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men, Blue Koi, afternoon delight

Friday Blogthing: Illegal Alien

I don't know whether I'm an according-to-Hoyle alien, but I've always suspected that strange growth on the back of my neck to be some kind of alien parasite.

You Are an Alien

You're so strange, people occasionally wonder if you're from another world. You don't try to be different, but you see most things from a very unique, very offbeat perspective. Brilliant to the point of genius, you definitely have some advanced intelligence going on. No matter what circles you travel in, you always feel like a stranger. And it's a feeling you've learned to like. Your greatest power: Your superhuman brain Your greatest weakness: Your lack of empathy - you just don't get humans You play well with: Zombies

What Kind of Monster Are You?

tagged: Friday, test, alien, monster, Halloween, meme, blog

YouTube Tuesday: Sweet Caroline

What could be more fun on your vacation than a Neil Diamond sing-along?

That's right: An ironic, hipster Neil Diamond sing-along!



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, Neil Diamond, Jonathan Coulton, Sweet Caroline, music

Oh, I forgot to mention

Did I mention I'm taking the week off?

That's right my friends, five whole days of NOT going in to the office. A solid week of avoiding cube drones and corporate zombies. Life is sweet.

The downside is that, while I'm not planning any big trips anywhere, I'm also not planning on spending too much time here at 3AM.

Oh, there might be the odd post rubbing it in that I'm taking a vacation. But don't look for too many updates.

I kind of feel bad about keeping my epic presence from you poor working stiff bastards. But I consider this a vacation from myself.

Luckily, you've got two and a half years of back posts to go through during the drudgery of your workday. You might try starting here.

Anycrap, ciao for now suckas!

tagged: vacation, work, cube drone, zombie, EU, Seinfeld

Semler must be destroyed!

Even though I live in Johnson County, I’ve taken a keen interest in this Francis Semler case. I wondered why a Parks board appointment would generate such a vocal reaction from Hispanic leaders.

Then I learned the ugly truth. This, my friend, is serious. It’s no laughing matter.

To summarize: KCMO’s mayor appointed Semler to the influential Parks Board even though she’s one of the leading members of the highly racist and violent Minuteman Civil Defense Corps.

This of course set off very legitimate outrage among the members of the National Council of La Raza, a completely non-racist organization that is working to get more money and opportunity only for Hispanic people (but totally not racist).

Anyway, the recent development is that the National Council of La Raza has agreed to call off its boycott of Kansas City if Semler agrees to cut her ties to the evil, racist, violent, diabolical Minuteman Civil Defense Corps.

I can only hope that this so-called compromise isn't approved. I'm not sure what kind of dirt the city's administration is using to blackmail the members of National Council of La Raza into agreeing to this outrage. But trust me, as a society, we cannot allow Semler to get off this easily.

I have it on good authority from a source placed close to the Parks board that racist border protection is only the beginning of Semler's insidious plans.

I have in my possession a strategy memo leaked to me from a person close to Semler, high up in her organization. This memo outlines the steps by which Semler, using the vast economic and political resources of the Kansas City Parks Board, plans no less than an insidious takeover of the entire Midwest. This is a wakeup call, Kansas City!

Her first step, according to the memo, is to consolidate her power by having herself declared Parks Czar where she will wield supreme parks authority over all of Kansas City. Then it will be an easy political maneuver to have the Mid America Regional Council appoint her Grand Chancellor of Parks for the entire Kansas City Metro area.

According to the strategy memo, once she has attained this power, her minions will release millions of poison ivy seeds throughout the area's parks and public spaces. The resulting crisis caused by the noxious weed gives Semler all the reason she needs to bring in as many groundskeepers, landscapers and garden experts as possible to control the situation.

And suddenly, every Hispanic person in the region is under Semler's direct control.

Fellow citizens, this cannot be allowed to happen. With such an army under her control, nothing could stop Semler from installing rain gardens from Gladstone to Olathe. There will be no way to keep Semler from implementing her nefarious scheme to install shrubberies every 300 yards along Kansas City's streets and highways.

Please, I implore you. We must do something to nip this despicable plan in the bud. We can't allow Semler's plan to take root and sprout.

tagged: Kansas City, Francis Semler, Hispanic, La Raza, Minuteman, Johnson County, racism

Friday Blogthing: Nibblin' on sponge cake

This is so true, I can't stand freakin' Bette Midler.

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Margaritaville"

You are a true party animal, but your style is mild and chill. Kicking back with a few friends and a few drinks is all you need to be happy. You certainly don't feel pressured to be a part of any party scene. In fact, you avoid trendier spots. You've been known to kick loose anywhere and everywhere. All you need is a cooler. You might also sing: "Gin and Juice," "Love Shack," and "Red Red Wine" Stay away from people who sing: "Wind Beneath My Wings"

What's Your Karaoke Theme Song?

tagged: Friday, test, Jimmy Buffett, Bette Midler, Margaritaville, meme, blog

FWD: One good deed

I usually don't go in for this sentimental stuff, but this is one amazing story...

In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture at left) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

tagged: elephant, Africa, wildlife, humor

3 A.M. Poll: Parts is parts

As humans have evolved (if you believe in such things), we've retained certain evolutionary throwbacks that seem to serve no useful purpose.

The appendix, for example, or the fifth toe, or Larry Moore.

So, what is your favorite useless body part?


tagged: body, parts, biology, evolution, male nipples, poll, vote

More Chinese toys recalled

I don't know how regulators let this one slip by.



tagged: Chinese, toy, recall, humor, photo

View from the couch

There’s been a bit of a lack of substance here lately.

I haven’t felt inspired to blog about the books I’ve been reading (working my way through the Cormac McCarthy library. Up next: No Country for Old Men before the movie is released in November).

Politics lately is so much as usual that there’s really nothing new to say about it (is there ever?). And even my Larry Moore hate has subsided slightly since I haven’t watched the KMBC so-called news cast recently.

Luckily, there’s always pop culture to fall back on, and the new TV lineups provide a great opportunity to see what’s new and original on the small screen. With work letting up a little bit, I’ve had a chance to clear the DVR decks and collect some thoughts on some new fall shows:

• The Bionic Woman: Talk about original! Who would ever have thought to do a remake of a show from the ‘70s that was itself a spinoff of a show from the ‘70s? Brilliant!
  
  The series writers cleverly avoid overestimating the intellectual prowess of the viewing public by steering clear of serious subtext that could be raised with this show: What does it mean to be human in an age of technology. What are the moral limits of performance enhancement. How many times should Sci-Fi show actors be recycled?
  
  Instead, the writing team deftly opts to focus on what viewers really want, sexy cyborgs waging epic pseudo-lesbian wire-fighting battles. Sweeeet.


• JourneyMan: Another stroke of genius and originality. The premise is that a man suddenly begins to leap back and forth in time within his lifetime, assigned by some unknown force to solve problems for people from the past.
  
  I don’t know where these people come up with such original ideas!
  
  Anyway, I was bitterly disappointed when I watched the first episode and realized that this show has nothing at all to do with Steve Perry or a string of chart-topping power ballads from the late-70s to early 80s. But I’m still willing to give it a chance since it stars Kevin McKidd, my favorite Centurion.


• Chuck: A pocket-protected member of the nerd herd inexplicably gets the top secrets of the CIA and NSA stuck in his noggin. So it’s either be killed by your government or be forced to work as a spy for your government.
  
  The theme of this show seems to be "We have met the enemy, and he is us." Aside from a quick mention of the North Koreans, the bad guys in this show seem to be American secret agents. Have the PC police really become so bad that we can no longer bash on the Soviets, North Koreans, Chinese, Iraqis or even the Canadians (damn dirty Canadians!).
  
  The comedy seems to be based on the awkwardness of Chuck, played by Zachary Levi who is a genetic splice of Zack Braff and Jimmy Fallon. There’s that Hollywood originality again. Anyway, for lame premise and lackluster comedy, I predict this show will be cancelled within a few more weeks.


• Big Shots: In the same way that Maxim is Cosmo for men, Big Shots is Desperate Housewives for men. Or rather, its Desperate Housewives about men, but still for women. Instead of smokin’ hot ladies, you get smokin’ hot pretty boys, but all the character types are the same: the goofy one, the sexy one, the smart one and the organized one.
  
  Still, you gotta give credit to a show that kicks off its season featuring a truck stop encounter with a transvestite male prostitute. Another thing I like is that the writers blatantly name the country club (the place where much of the intra-gender dialog takes place) Firmwood, which in terms of not-so-subtle double entendre one-ups the great Bushwood of Caddyshack fame.

So that’s a quick roundup. There are more shows out there, but to be honest you really only need to know about The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Of course as I’ve stated on other blogs, taking advice on pop culture from me is like taking table manner lessons from Andrew “Dice” Clay, so there’s that.

tagged: TV, television, Bionic Woman, Journeyman, Journey, Steve Perry, Kevin McKidd, Chuck, Zack Braff, Jimmy Fallon, Zachary Levi, Big Shots, The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Caddyshack