You say tornado, I say tor-NOT-o

I'm a little surprised at all of the blog reaction to the so-called tornado so-called coverage of the local so-called news media last night.

I mean, we've all pretty much been in this town long enough to know that, given a stiff breeze, the local weather mediots will pre-empt your favorite TV show to tell you the sky is falling. Nothing new there. Hey, at least they don't interrupt the commercials, right?

Beating up on the so-called news so-called media is fun, but at this point it's become the dead horse of the local internets. Besides, you shouldn't be watching so much TV anyway.

What I want to take a few swipes at is the geniuses who run the tornado sirens around town.

My family and I were on our way home after a meeting with a volunteer group we're involved with yesterday evening. We had just decided to make a quick stop at Home Depot when the first sirens went off.

We flipped on the weather coverage on one of the local AM stations (can't remember which one it was, probably 980) to hear the dreaded news that the world was ending. But it was quite to the contrary...

The announcer was telling us that "the tornado warning for Johnson County has been lifted" -- note that this is happening as the sirens are going off. The announcer noted it as well: "The sirens are going off all over Overland Park, but the National Weather Service is telling us that the tornado warnings have been allowed to expire."

It seems the announcer was just as confused as I was (and that's hard, because I'm always pretty damned confused).

You see, what I don't get is, why turn on the siren if there's no tornado in the first place. People are heading for the root cellar and saying their last goodbyes when they hear those sirens. But not only was there no tornado, there wasn't even a tornado warning or watch. WTF?

Look, I already have an unhealthy disregard for tornadoes. I've lived in Kansas for more than 35 years. I've never been outside of the state borders for more than 4-weeks at a stretch. And I've never seen a real tornado in person.

Sure, I've see the coverage and aftermath on TV. On an intellectual level, I know they exist and they can be devastating. But in my heart, I still don't think it can happen to me.

And it doesn't help when we have a bunch of chicken littles with their fingers on the panic button waiting to cry wolf (hurray for mixed metaphors!).

It's a matter of credibility, people.

tagged: Kansas City, Johnson County, weather, tornado, warning, media

3AM EXCLUSIVE: Pleasant Weather Warning issued for KC metro

OLATHE (3AM) -- The National Weather Service in Olathe, Kan., has issued a Pleasant Weather Warning for the greater Kansas City metropolitan area.

According to NWS meteorologist Ben Wong, seasonably pleasant weather is poised to hit the metro area this afternoon and could last until evening.

"It's always difficult to get 100-percent accuracy with this type of weather system, but our models predict that citizens should be on the watch for pleasant weather throughout the afternoon."

Les Wright, a meteorologist for a local television affiliate, noted that pleasant weather is characterized by temperatures in the upper-60s to mid-70s Fahrenheit, often accompanied by light breezes and sunny skies.

"Local businesses should be sure that their pleasant weather shelters are well stocked, since this kind of system usually causes a decrease in worker productivity," Wright said.

There are other safety risks as well.

"This type of pleasant weather system almost always causes a reduction in the amount of clothing in the atmosphere and an increase in the amount of exposed skin," said Wright.

"That in itself isn't necessarily dangerous. However, it can lead to higher rates of inattentive driving and rubbernecking which has in turn been linked to higher rates of traffic fatalities."

To mitigate the risks, Wright and Wong suggest taking measure such as staying home and consuming moderated amounts of cold beer and grilled meats.

Stay tuned for 3 O'Clock AM for further weather coverage.

tagged: Kansas, Kansas City, weather, swimsuit, sun bathing, warning

FWD: Application for Employment

A nephew of mine forwarded this one to me a couple of weeks ago. He's no dummy. With the economy the way it is, he's willing to take any job that can get him a little spending cash during the summer.

Still, I wonder if he's being a tad too honest. I hope the hiring manager has a sense of humor.

McDONALDS APPLICATION

NAME: [Redacted]

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes – Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

tagged: job, employment, application, humor, economy

YouTube Tuesday: Make sure he's dead

With the impending food shortage and societal upheaval that is sure to follow, I thought it prudent to begin researching various survival techniques. After all, those most skilled at the primal arts of hunting and gathering will be those most likely to survive in the dystopia to come.

And it's in the spirit of whatever civilized behavior we have left that I share these survival tips with you. Good luck out there.



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, hunting, rifle, humor, injury

3AM EXCLUSIVE! Weekend project a complete waste of time!

The main project for last weekend (aside from the usual mowing the yard, filling the bird feeders, burying dead hookers in my basement, etc.) was repairing a drainage pipe in the front of our house.

The drainage pipe in question had become clogged (probably as a result of some roofing work we'd had done) leading to a backed-up downspout which caused a nice-looking, but foundation-eroding fountain in front of our house during last week's rains.

You probably couldn't tell from the picture, but the soil around the downspout was extremely eroded because of the backup-induced fountain. So I determined that I had to dig out the end of the drainage pipe where the water is supposed to come out.

I did some excavation (that means "digging" for those of you from Arizona) and found the culprit. The end of the pipe had become collapsed, leading to a severe blockage (much like Jason Whitlock's coronary artery).So I trimmed off the broken pipe with my kick-ass reciprocating saw and cleared the soil from around the end.
I also dug a trench from the recently trimmed pipe (sounds kinda dirty, doesn't it DLC?) out into the lower elevation of my yard.

Here's what the excavation looked like at that point.


Now it's time to prepare the new drainage pipe.

First, you're supposed to put this kind of cloth sock on the pipe to keep sand an dirt from getting in through the small holes that let water out of the pipe. It's kind of like putting sausage into a casing. (Yeah, I know what some of you are thinking, and it's like that too.)

Once the pipe sock was on, I attached it to the existing drainage pipe with a hose clamp and trimmed off the excess. I then cut a hole at the end of the new pipe to put a neat little grate on.

All that was left to do was bury my pipe (heh) and then replace the sod I had saved just for this purpose. And voila, the new drain.

Unfortunately, there's still a blockage in the drain. I put the garden hose in my gutter Sunday just to test it and discovered I was still getting serious backup. So all that work, and I still haven't solved the problem.

So my next step is to rent one of those rotor rooter things at Home Depot and try to drill this sucker out. It will probably have to wait until next weekend, though.

I just hope it doesn't rain before then.

tagged: home, project, DIY, drainage, pipe, gutter, erosion, home improvement

Not in Kansas anymore

If you've not been reading A California Girl in Kansas, then for one thing shame on you. For another thing, you're pretty much out of luck now.

Shea, the talented and effervescent author, published her "Goodbye to Kansas" letter today. Brought tears to my eyes. Well, not really, but it is an honest and heartfelt review of her three-year odyssey in the Sunflower State.

Most importantly, Kansas taught me a lesson that I will never, ever forget - grow where you’re planted. Make the most out of every situation. Never give up. Always believe that you can make every day fabulous and fun. Give everyone you meet a fair shake. At the end of the day, or at the end of three and a half years, you’ll find that the one place you never thought you’d live is the one place you can’t really imagine living without.

Great thoughts from someone who I'm pretty sure will be (even more) famous some day.

Take it easy on the Caribbean, Shea. You're not in Kansas anymore.

tagged: Kansas, blog, Caribbean, farewell

Prohibition is good for business

Okay, we've got our next big business idea ready to go.

Those of you who read about the big local blogger meetup last night probably think it was just an occasion for drinking booze and eating boob (cake).

And while the boob cake was tasty (so delicious and moist), and the Boulevard Wheat never tasted better, I did have the ulterior motive of discussing our next business venture with XO and Keith (thus also allowing me to write the evening's outlays off as a tax deductible business expense, but I digress).

The core of our new business idea is the realization that when Kansas City voters approved a ban on smoking in public venues, we all saw that as a super-restrictive overstep of government authority.

"What about our personal rights? What about the freakin' constitution," we all said.

What we failed to realize, until recently, is that just as in the days of alcohol prohibition, tobacco prohibition has left a hole in the market place that is burning to be filled.

So here's our idea: We rent a space, probably a bar that has had to close because smokers can't smoke there anymore. We reopen it as a "private club" and sell memberships for , I don't know, $40 bucks a year?

We cut a deal with big tobacco, maybe Phillip Morris or RJ Reynolds, to supply the cancer sticks at a cut rate.

We then sell them above retail at our club, and since we won't allow tobacco products to be brought into the club (city ordinance, probably), we have 100% market share.

We haven't landed on a name for the place yet, but my nomination is "Smokin' Hotties." I figure we can have bikini-clad waitresses with cigarette lighters in their bikini tops (you know, flip a switch and a flame comes out of the nipular area).

But let me know if you have a better name. If we use a name you submitted, I can probably get you a free membership.

tagged: Kansas City, smoking ban, business, cigarette, Phillip Morris, RJ Reynolds, prohibition

Friday Blogthing: It's pronounced just as it's spelled

Speaking of office space...

I am Samir Nayeenanajar from Office Space. Take the test and find out who you were.

tagged: Friday, blogthing, Office Space, samir, pop culture, movie, blog, meme

Cleared for takeoff

The corporate travel group at work sent out an email recently to apprise me of a great corporate perk.

We all had the chance to sign up for a service that will allow us to bypass security lines at most major airports around the country.

If you've flown recently, you've probably seen the booths for this company, Clear, popping up at airports near you. I've seen them in San Francisco, Atlanta and New York.

I only travel two or three times a year, but after my most recent experience at the Atlanta airport my interest in such a service was piqued. Who needs, thought I, a four hour security ordeal?

So I nibble on the bait sent out in the email and go to the Clear website for more info. The price, $130 bucks, is a bit steep, especially for a infrequent traveler like myself. My company wouldn't pick up the expense, but I might be able to justify it anyway based on some vacation travel we're planning for later in the year.

So I read on, and here's where they lose me.

Part of the "enrollment" process is that you have to give at least two pieces of approved government-issued identification to some stranger at one of their airport kiosks. Also, you have to voluntarily allow them to capture images of your irises and fingerprints, as well as a photograph.

So you're basically paying $130 to add your ID (finger prints and retinal scan) to a database that you can be damn sure will get into government hands -- maybe added to a list of some kind?

Now my knowledge of history isn't as good as, say, a San Francisco free-Tibet hippie freak, but I'm pretty sure that this kind of list would be similar to the kinds of list that people with names like Hitler and Stalin used.

And even if I'm wrong on that count, I KNOW that this kind of thing has been a significant concept in all kinds of post-apocalyptic dystopian literature and movies.

Look, I'm too paranoid to even use my real name on an inconsequential blog read by a bunch of losers (no, not you, you're the cool one). I'm still trying to figure out how to stop the NSA from tracking my Google searches. I need to focus on making sure my own government isn't using the British traffic cameras to spy on me.

There's no way a tinfoil hat-wearing, government-not-trusting, X-Files-believing suspicious sunuvabich like me is going to freely turn over my freaking retinal scan to the gubmint!

Don't even waste my time.

Now, I gotta go renew my Hen House shopper rewards card.

tagged: clear, privacy, travel, retina scan, San Francisco, New York, Atlanta

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!

A picture taken at the Pro-Tibet rally in San Francisco and posted without further comment (really, is any needed?)

Dunce hat tip to John B. at Blog Meridian

tagged: protest, Tibet, history, China, Nazi