I appreciate people who refuse to engage in a battle of wits with unarmed opponents. It just makes things much easier for me.
Ganked from RGOF.
tagged: Friday, blogthing, wits, epitaph,, grave stone, dead, quiz, blog, meme
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Awkward Pie: Hookers and blow
A few weeks ago someone sent me a meme, one of the questions of which was "how often do you embarrass yourself" (my answer? Continually).
Anyway, it got me thinking about all the most embarrassing and awkward moments, which I thought might make a nice regular feature here. Please feel free to share your deepest embarrassments in the comments so that I'll know I'm not alone in being a complete jackass all of the time.
Anyway, here's one of the episodes that came to mind:
A few months ago, I was at a casual business dinner with some of my colleagues at some fancy restaurant on the Plaza. There were about 15 of us at a long table. I was sitting near one end with two East-coasters and a West-coaster.
The evening started off on a light note. We all know each other and have worked with each other for quite some time, though we don't often meet in person so there were some conversational niceties to be taken care of.
We order drinks and appetizers and commence the conversation. After a few glasses of wine and food, we got to joking around, and conversational topics turned from industry news and the weather to more personal issues.
At some point, the discussion turned to our various personal foibles.
Specifically, the young woman (the other three of us were d00ds), confessed that she has an addiction to lip balm -- Carmex actually, the kind in a tube, not a jar. It's bad enough, she said, that if she doesn't have some with her when she leaves her house in the morning she will compulsively go miles out of her way to buy a new tube.
Then one of the other guys admitted his pathological dependence on hand lotion. Seems he feels compelled to smear the stuff on his hands twice a day to avoid the not-so-moist feeling.
I myself admitted that I dare not come within the event horizon of a package of strawberry Twizzlers, as doing so would mean the certain destruction of the entire package of said Twizzlers by me in my digestive system.
Anyway, we're all having a great time cracking wise on each others' personal flaws, becoming more raucous as the night wears on and we drink more glasses of wine. Yes, it was all good until I decided to kick it up a notch and quipped...
"Actually, I really don't have any vices... Well, I mean other than my addictions to porn and heroin."
Except when I said the words "my addictions to porn and heroin," for some reason, a split second before the words left my mouth, the entire table, the entire room, went dead silent.
Dead. Silent.
It was as if someone had said "My broker is E.F. Hutton. And E.F. Hutton says..."
Everyone in our party immediately looks toward my end of the table. I can see by the looks on their faces that they're trying to piece together the parts of the conversation that they missed. Only, it seemed like they were taking a really long time to do it.
So, ignoring the sage advice that when you've dug yourself into a hole, you should stop digging, I tried to recover with another unwise crack...
"But I'm feeling much better now."
There was a smattering of nervous, forced laughter, followed by low murmuring as the conversational engine began to rev back up. After a few moments, the awkwardness had passed as people resumed their dinner conversations.
Eventually the evening came to an end and we all got up to leave for home. As I walked out the door, a colleague who had been sitting at the other end of the table was leaving in front of me.
"It was good seeing you again," he said. "You guys doing anything exciting this weekend?"
"No," I replied. "Just the usual."
"Ah yes," he said. "Hookers and blow."
tagged: Awkward, business, porn, heroin, addiction, blow, hookers, embarrassing
Anyway, it got me thinking about all the most embarrassing and awkward moments, which I thought might make a nice regular feature here. Please feel free to share your deepest embarrassments in the comments so that I'll know I'm not alone in being a complete jackass all of the time.
Anyway, here's one of the episodes that came to mind:
A few months ago, I was at a casual business dinner with some of my colleagues at some fancy restaurant on the Plaza. There were about 15 of us at a long table. I was sitting near one end with two East-coasters and a West-coaster.
The evening started off on a light note. We all know each other and have worked with each other for quite some time, though we don't often meet in person so there were some conversational niceties to be taken care of.
We order drinks and appetizers and commence the conversation. After a few glasses of wine and food, we got to joking around, and conversational topics turned from industry news and the weather to more personal issues.
At some point, the discussion turned to our various personal foibles.
Specifically, the young woman (the other three of us were d00ds), confessed that she has an addiction to lip balm -- Carmex actually, the kind in a tube, not a jar. It's bad enough, she said, that if she doesn't have some with her when she leaves her house in the morning she will compulsively go miles out of her way to buy a new tube.Then one of the other guys admitted his pathological dependence on hand lotion. Seems he feels compelled to smear the stuff on his hands twice a day to avoid the not-so-moist feeling.
I myself admitted that I dare not come within the event horizon of a package of strawberry Twizzlers, as doing so would mean the certain destruction of the entire package of said Twizzlers by me in my digestive system.
Anyway, we're all having a great time cracking wise on each others' personal flaws, becoming more raucous as the night wears on and we drink more glasses of wine. Yes, it was all good until I decided to kick it up a notch and quipped...
"Actually, I really don't have any vices... Well, I mean other than my addictions to porn and heroin."Except when I said the words "my addictions to porn and heroin," for some reason, a split second before the words left my mouth, the entire table, the entire room, went dead silent.
Dead. Silent.
It was as if someone had said "My broker is E.F. Hutton. And E.F. Hutton says..."
Everyone in our party immediately looks toward my end of the table. I can see by the looks on their faces that they're trying to piece together the parts of the conversation that they missed. Only, it seemed like they were taking a really long time to do it.
So, ignoring the sage advice that when you've dug yourself into a hole, you should stop digging, I tried to recover with another unwise crack...
"But I'm feeling much better now."
There was a smattering of nervous, forced laughter, followed by low murmuring as the conversational engine began to rev back up. After a few moments, the awkwardness had passed as people resumed their dinner conversations.
Eventually the evening came to an end and we all got up to leave for home. As I walked out the door, a colleague who had been sitting at the other end of the table was leaving in front of me.
"It was good seeing you again," he said. "You guys doing anything exciting this weekend?"
"No," I replied. "Just the usual."
"Ah yes," he said. "Hookers and blow."
tagged: Awkward, business, porn, heroin, addiction, blow, hookers, embarrassing
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
YouTube Tuesday: Bastille
Monday, July 14, 2008
GENERATION KILL
It's been a long time since HBO has had a decent series.
The subscription network was hitting home runs regularly with the likes of The Sopranos, Band of Brothers, Deadwood, Entourage and (for some people, I guess) Sex in the City.
But ever since the series so-called finally of The Sopranos, their offerings have been pretty boring and forgettable. The network's recent series, Tell Me You Love Me and In Treatment, seem to be an exploration into how boring other peoples' psychoses can be (although, Tell Me You Love Me earns a pass for the full-frontal nudity).
But I was really pleased with the initial episode of Generation Kill, the seven-part miniseries that follows an elite squad of Marines through the first 40 days of the Iraq war. It is based on the book of the same name by Evan Wright, an embedded journalist writing for Rolling Stone during the invasion.
The production did a great job of keeping showing the tedium of pre-invasion dessert life in Kuwait -- how soldiers dealt with heat, boredom, training equipment shortages and questionable leadership -- as they prepared to be the tip of the spear into Iraq.
The anti-military bias, if there is one, is only very subtle, and -- at least in the initial episode -- the narrative seems to be more concerned with presenting the day-to-day lives of the men on the front line, than with overt political statements about the war itself.
The violence in the first episode was pretty tame as well, especially when compared to The Sopranos and Band of Brothers. Of course the war is just starting, so I expect this to get a little more intense.
Overall, I'm looking forward to seeing the remaining episodes, and I'm keeping the DVR set.
tagged: HBO, Generation Kill, Sopranos, Band of Brothers, Tell Me You Love Me, In Treatment, Iraq, Marines
The subscription network was hitting home runs regularly with the likes of The Sopranos, Band of Brothers, Deadwood, Entourage and (for some people, I guess) Sex in the City.
But ever since the series so-called finally of The Sopranos, their offerings have been pretty boring and forgettable. The network's recent series, Tell Me You Love Me and In Treatment, seem to be an exploration into how boring other peoples' psychoses can be (although, Tell Me You Love Me earns a pass for the full-frontal nudity).
But I was really pleased with the initial episode of Generation Kill, the seven-part miniseries that follows an elite squad of Marines through the first 40 days of the Iraq war. It is based on the book of the same name by Evan Wright, an embedded journalist writing for Rolling Stone during the invasion.
The production did a great job of keeping showing the tedium of pre-invasion dessert life in Kuwait -- how soldiers dealt with heat, boredom, training equipment shortages and questionable leadership -- as they prepared to be the tip of the spear into Iraq.The anti-military bias, if there is one, is only very subtle, and -- at least in the initial episode -- the narrative seems to be more concerned with presenting the day-to-day lives of the men on the front line, than with overt political statements about the war itself.
The violence in the first episode was pretty tame as well, especially when compared to The Sopranos and Band of Brothers. Of course the war is just starting, so I expect this to get a little more intense.
Overall, I'm looking forward to seeing the remaining episodes, and I'm keeping the DVR set.
tagged: HBO, Generation Kill, Sopranos, Band of Brothers, Tell Me You Love Me, In Treatment, Iraq, Marines
Friday, July 11, 2008
Friday Blogthing: Something to believe in
Much like 80's glam rock band Poison, Barack Obama has won the adoration of masses of people by using tired, trite, over-sentimentalized platitudes.
Now thanks to the power or the interwebz, we can translate the politicians words into webby truthiness.
Hat tip to Blandwagon.
tagged: Poison, Something to Believe In, glam, Barack Obama, Friday, politics
Now thanks to the power or the interwebz, we can translate the politicians words into webby truthiness.
Hat tip to Blandwagon.
tagged: Poison, Something to Believe In, glam, Barack Obama, Friday, politics
Thursday, July 10, 2008
That old feeling
This could be a little confusing, so pay close attention...
I got a txt msg from my younger sister last night that my niece, the daughter of my older sister, is pregnant.
So first of all, congratulations to my niece. She married her husband a couple of years ago and has built a good career (as has her husband). This is the next step for them and they'll be great parents.
It's still very early in the pregnancy, and lots of times these things "don't take" the first time. But if this is turns out to be a viable pregnancy, that would mean my sister will be a GRANDMOTHER!
Which, if you've been following along, makes me a Great Uncle (I mean, I'm already a great uncle by virtue of being an all around great guy. But now I could be a Great Uncle as well).
I am NOT old enough to be a Great Uncle.
Okay, here's the big caveat: My niece (the one who's pregnant) is the stepdaughter of my older sister. To the best of my recollection she was already in nearing junior high age when my sister became her stepmom.
But still, it makes you feel the cold breath of age on your neck to think that your sister is a grandmother.
Weird.
tagged: family, old, age, sister, niece, uncle
I got a txt msg from my younger sister last night that my niece, the daughter of my older sister, is pregnant.
So first of all, congratulations to my niece. She married her husband a couple of years ago and has built a good career (as has her husband). This is the next step for them and they'll be great parents.
It's still very early in the pregnancy, and lots of times these things "don't take" the first time. But if this is turns out to be a viable pregnancy, that would mean my sister will be a GRANDMOTHER!
Which, if you've been following along, makes me a Great Uncle (I mean, I'm already a great uncle by virtue of being an all around great guy. But now I could be a Great Uncle as well).I am NOT old enough to be a Great Uncle.
Okay, here's the big caveat: My niece (the one who's pregnant) is the stepdaughter of my older sister. To the best of my recollection she was already in nearing junior high age when my sister became her stepmom.
But still, it makes you feel the cold breath of age on your neck to think that your sister is a grandmother.
Weird.
tagged: family, old, age, sister, niece, uncle
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Spies like us
FYI... the Democrat-controlled Senate has approved a bill to allow the government to spy on Americans.
Candidate Obama voted in favor of the spying bill. I wonder if that's what he means by "candidate of change."
tagged: Senate, spy, bill, eavesdropping, surveillance, Obama, candidate
Candidate Obama voted in favor of the spying bill. I wonder if that's what he means by "candidate of change."
tagged: Senate, spy, bill, eavesdropping, surveillance, Obama, candidate
Dentally unstable
So I'm rushing around at the office at about a quarter past two yesterday afternoon.
I have a 3 p.m. dentist appointment and I know it will take at least 30 minutes to drive, find a parking place and run up a long flight of stairs to the office. On top of that, I have a conference call that I can't miss from 2-3 p.m. I know I'm cutting the timing close on this.
I print out the spreadsheet for the meeting, dial in to the conference on my cell phone and begin shutting down my computer. I have to be in my car in 15 minutes if I'm going to make my appointment.
Twenty minutes later I'm on the road, hands-free phone on mute, spreadsheet in one hand and steering wheel in the other. Yes, I've become that guy. On a meeting, driving down the highway, referring to a lines on a spreadsheet that are too small to read and speeding to try to get to my appointment.
Luckily, I don't kill my self or anyone else in an auto accident. I find a parking place right in front of the door to the dentist's office and run up the stairs with enough time to grab a quick sip from the drinking fountain and still arrive three minutes early.
So I had a frantic trip to the office. Keep that in mind for a minute or two.
I sit down in the exam chair and the dental hygienist pulls out a blood pressure cuff. Evidently in the six months since my last cleaning, this office has decided that blood pressure checks are a vital part of dental hygiene. Is this new? Does your dentist do this? I can't decide if my dentist is on the cutting edge of dental care, or just pretending to be a real doctor.
Anyway, the blood pressure reading comes in slightly elevated. I chalk it up to the craziness of the last hour or so, not to mention a bit of anxiety about being at the dentist in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have any kind of pathological fear of the dentist. But come on, does anybody really look forward to having their gums probed with sharpened steel implements? Really?
As a quick aside here, let me just pause to reiterate my incredulity that here we are, living in the future, where modern medicine is performing miracles like giving site to the blind and allowing men to have babies, yet dentists are using technology that is little changed since medieval times. Come on dentists! Where are the fricken' lasers to clean my teeth!
Anywho, Jabby McStabyourgums commences the teeth cleaning, noting she'll just take another blood pressure reading after the cleaning, when I've had a chance to relax. As if 10 minutes of having stainless steel hooks scraped across my teeth and under my gums is the equivalent of smoking a joint while getting deep tissue massage.
The exam/cleaning is finished. I have no cavities (of course) and I get a nice little parting gift of a new toothbrush, floss and toothpaste (travel size, the cheapskates) as I get up. McStabyourgums forgets to recheck my blood pressure, and I don't remind her.
I think it' s a pretty safe bet that it was higher.
tagged: dentist, gums, blood pressure, medieval, torture
I have a 3 p.m. dentist appointment and I know it will take at least 30 minutes to drive, find a parking place and run up a long flight of stairs to the office. On top of that, I have a conference call that I can't miss from 2-3 p.m. I know I'm cutting the timing close on this.
I print out the spreadsheet for the meeting, dial in to the conference on my cell phone and begin shutting down my computer. I have to be in my car in 15 minutes if I'm going to make my appointment.
Twenty minutes later I'm on the road, hands-free phone on mute, spreadsheet in one hand and steering wheel in the other. Yes, I've become that guy. On a meeting, driving down the highway, referring to a lines on a spreadsheet that are too small to read and speeding to try to get to my appointment.
Luckily, I don't kill my self or anyone else in an auto accident. I find a parking place right in front of the door to the dentist's office and run up the stairs with enough time to grab a quick sip from the drinking fountain and still arrive three minutes early.
So I had a frantic trip to the office. Keep that in mind for a minute or two.
I sit down in the exam chair and the dental hygienist pulls out a blood pressure cuff. Evidently in the six months since my last cleaning, this office has decided that blood pressure checks are a vital part of dental hygiene. Is this new? Does your dentist do this? I can't decide if my dentist is on the cutting edge of dental care, or just pretending to be a real doctor.
Anyway, the blood pressure reading comes in slightly elevated. I chalk it up to the craziness of the last hour or so, not to mention a bit of anxiety about being at the dentist in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have any kind of pathological fear of the dentist. But come on, does anybody really look forward to having their gums probed with sharpened steel implements? Really?
As a quick aside here, let me just pause to reiterate my incredulity that here we are, living in the future, where modern medicine is performing miracles like giving site to the blind and allowing men to have babies, yet dentists are using technology that is little changed since medieval times. Come on dentists! Where are the fricken' lasers to clean my teeth!Anywho, Jabby McStabyourgums commences the teeth cleaning, noting she'll just take another blood pressure reading after the cleaning, when I've had a chance to relax. As if 10 minutes of having stainless steel hooks scraped across my teeth and under my gums is the equivalent of smoking a joint while getting deep tissue massage.
The exam/cleaning is finished. I have no cavities (of course) and I get a nice little parting gift of a new toothbrush, floss and toothpaste (travel size, the cheapskates) as I get up. McStabyourgums forgets to recheck my blood pressure, and I don't remind her.
I think it' s a pretty safe bet that it was higher.
tagged: dentist, gums, blood pressure, medieval, torture
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
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