Tax advice

tagged: taxes, America, tax freedom, government, pork spending, satire

Proud to pay my taxes

I had this post planned for a couple of weeks, but that crafty Kansas Jackass kind of beat me to the mule kick. But I decided to go ahead and post it since it's so important.

As most of you fine citizens know, today is an important day for our country - in fact, I think it is probably THE most important day of the year. It's the day when all of the good people of our Republic can celebrate their participation in society by giving back to our Awesome Government the money that it so graciously allowed us to use over the previous year.

I know it has become kind of a fad recently in some circles to look at Tax Day in derogatory terms, to try to view taxation as a burden rather than the privilege that is.

As KJ rightly points out, it is an honor for us as citizens of a great nation to work so hard day in and day out for our Awesome Government's beneficent bureaucracy.

It's true that due to recent economic troubles, Tax Freedom Day came early this year. Unfortunately, this means that we worker bees only contributed everything we earned through April 13 to our Awesome Government. Luckily, as our Awesome Government commits more and more money to various projects, our children and grandchildren can look forward to the satisfaction of contributing much more of their earnings to our Awesome Government.

And even though only three and a half months of our hard work went to our Awesome Government this year, it's important to remember, comrades, everything that our hard work and effort pays for.

Think of all those poor, destitute investment bankers who, but for the support we give them through our Awesome Government, face the prospect of a harrowing life without multimillion dollar performance bonuses.

Or, consider the plight of the U.S. auto industry. Without government money provided by us, we might have to go without a source of overly priced, low-quality inefficient automobiles. My friends, that's not the America I want to live in.

And I hate to even consider where the citizens of less-fortunate countries would be without the good people of the U.S.A. and it's totally Awesome Government looking out for them. And closer to home, thanks to such a kind and caring Awesome Government, we don't have to worry about taking care of the poor and hungry people in our own community, because the Awesome Government has programs to take care of them as well.

There are many other examples of worthwhile contributions made by our Awesome Government on our behalf:

• $1.7 million sent to Iowa to determine why pigs stink
• $4.4 million for a military grade stereo (for the Army Center of Excellence in Acoustics)
• $2.4 for a vacuum packed life raft

When I think of all the great things our Awesome Government does with the money I earn for it, i get teary eyed. It may sound trite and platitudinous to say it, but I'm proud to live in a country where so much is taken from so many to pay for so little.


tagged: taxes, America, tax freedom, government, pork spending, satire

Ticking away

Returning to my my ancestral home, as we did last weekend for an Easter McBash, is always inspiring. I always seem to come away with a good idea or two.

That was the case this time as well. And as usual, one of the best ideas was inspired by the smallest of creatures.

I've mentioned the prevalence of those small, blood-sucking arachnids, ticks, in previous posts. Well, since it's now spring, they were out in force again in the woods along the river near my parents' house.

Both my dad and my Supermodel Wife (among others) found themselves picking the crawling little critters off their skins. But luckily I escaped the weekend bloodletting unscathed, as did our Jack Russel Terrier.

It was that last bit about the dog that led me to my next million dollar idea.

You see, our dog gets a monthly pill to protect him against fleas and ticks. I'm not sure what kind of chemistry is involved to make it work, for all I know there's some kind of magic pixie dust that wards off sanguivorous creepies.

That's not really the point. The point is, if they can make this kind of pill for dogs, why not make the same kind of pill for people?

I mean people and dogs share a similar physiology, right? Sure, there are obvious differences (dogs have the four legs, much more hair and the ability and irresistible desire to eat poop), but both are warm blooded mammals. Both can catch a ball, chase the mailman, and roll over and play dead.

Heck, our vet has even recommended giving our dog small doses of Pepcid for his occasional discomfort caused by a sour stomach. And if a dog can take human medicine, why can't people take the magic pill to repel ticks (and heck, fleas too)?

So if you're an aspiring chemist/pharmacists who's tired of the meth production game, or some kind or R&D guy at Bayer or some other pharma company, give me a call and we can talk about you buying my idea. Because as of this moment I hereby claim a copyright on Tixaqyll* and any other drug that performs as described.

*As always, consult your physician to see if Tixaqyll is right for you. May cause daytime drowsiness and sensitivity to sunlight and garlic.

tagged: tick, health, sanguivorous, Bayer, Pepcid, medicine

Friday Blogthing: Magic is in the eye of the beholder

There's a hidden message in the image below that describes 90 percent of the time I spend online.

If you decipher the hidden message, let me know in the comments. But try not to give away the surprise for everyone else.

(It might be easier if you click the image to embiggen it.)
tagged: Friday, Blogthing, hidden, message, decipher, puzzle

Anti social media

A bunch of crotchety old geezers have been kvetching about the invasion of marketing into social media platforms and how if it doesn't stop it's going to ruin the the entire online world.

Here are a few examples:

If one is using Twitter, they are “tweeting” not “twittering.” By the way, if you use Twitter to promote your product to me, you are an ASSHOLE.

They see all of this free and open communication occurring. And, being Marketing Fucktards, their first thought is "How can we piggyback on this shit and manipulate it, without people knowing we are manipulating it, and use it to sell our useless crap to people...

On the other hand, these social media promotional tactics are too close to shilling for my taste. Shills were shunned when the Internet was still a collection of crazy-blinking mile-long one-page framed sites of horrible colors, and they haven’t gained in popularity since. That doesn’t stop them from trying.

Essentially, these social Luddites are saying you're a sucker if you take advantage of your social network to get free stuff. I'm not really sure how that makes sense, then again I'm not a demented old fart suffering from dementia.

They also seem to be suffering under the misconception that these forums for social interaction are free. And I guess in a certain, very limited perspective this is true. After all, the end user doesn't pay a purchase price or subscription fee.

Unfortunately, this is the same perspective that concludes that Skittles are made from unicorn poop.

Here in the real world, there is no such thing as free. Somebody always pays a price for something. You know that time you posted on Twitter about how you just ate lunch at the Who Gives a Shit Cafe? Well, someone had to pay for the servers, bandwidth, application development, etc. that made it possible for you to keep everyone updated on the excruciating minutia of your day to day life.

Look, I hate to fail your whale here but in the real world when consumers want content but they don't want to pay for it, it's usually the advertiser that picks up the bill. That's true for all media -- radio, television, some magazines and newspapers -- and yes, even the Internet.

Social Media websites are no different from any other website -- a vast number of which are supported by advertising. In fact, if you don't like advertising and marketing, you might want to stay away from all moderately popular websites/applications/TV shows/radio programs/podcasts/concert venues/etc. Because here's another news flash for you, marketers like to go where the largest audience is, where they can more efficiently spend their increasingly shrinking advertising budgets.

So Twitter and Facebook, with their combined 114 babillion users, are prime marketing opportunities for advertisers.

Like it or not, there will be advertising. Marketers want it that way because they're interested in getting their messages to the audience. The users want it that way because (despite the ill-conceived objections quoted above) they want the "free" content.

And you know what, Twitter and Facebook and other sites/services also want it that way. They want the money. Believe it or not they aren't doing this for the sole benefit of the whiners who hate advertising.

tagged: social media, Twitter, Facebook, advertising, marketing, Internet

YouTube Tuesday: Iron Man vs. Bruce Lee

This video contains at least seven kinds of awesome.



tagged: Iron Man, YouTube, movie, animation, Bruce Lee

Smartmobile

I'm telling you people times are tough. The economy is affecting everybody these days.

Even wealthy industrialist (and heir to the famous Wayne financial empire) Bruce Wayne has had to downsize.

Original story here.

tagged: economy, car, Smart Car, Batmobile, humor

First First Friday

I get home from work Tuesday evening and hear the dreaded, "You need to read the note that the teacher sent home with our daughter today," from my Supermodel Wife.

Oh great. Something bad enough happened that it required a note home from school. We have a pretty good kid. But she is the assertive type, and sometimes that clashes with other assertive types in her kindergarten class.

Usually this results in nothing more than the kids "losing their trophies" for a few hours. It's all good, since it teaches kids how to get along with each other.

But now we've got the dreaded note from the teachers. The only thing worse would be the "phone call from the principal" which we hopefully will never get.

So anyway, I told my Supermodel Wife to just give me the gist of the note.

"Well, it turns out that our daughter and another girl in her class..."

(oh, boy... here it comes... What? Got in a fight? Set the school on fire? Have been selling leveraged credit default swaps in the lunchroom?...)

"... have been selected to have their projects from art class displayed in a gallery in The Crossroads this Friday."

What? Well... that's not bad at all! In fact, that's the opposite of bad!

Our kiddo's interest in fine arts has only become stronger over the years. Her skills and technique have developed nicely since first putting crayon to aluminum siding three years ago.

She has dabbled in cubist/surrealist fusion (see "Friendly Alien-2005"), and has produced some fascinating works of abstract expressionism.

The Kiddo's piece is one of only 12 chosen for display from her school.

While I'm proud to say I spotted this talent early, I'm even more proud that other luminaries in the world of fine art also recognize her potential.

If you're out and about in the Crossroads tonight, and if First Fridays is your thing, then don't miss your opportunity to see this up and coming artist.

The work is on display in the Shawnee Mission District Art Show at the OfficePort KC building -- 208 West 19th Street (between Wyandotte and Central).

Just be sure you get there before 8:30. That's her bedtime.

tagged: art, Kansas City, Crossroads, First Friday, family, parenting, kindergarten

Read it and weep

In case you missed it, The Atlantic has a great read (penned keyboarded by Simon Johnson) about the covert coup that most people know as the current economic recession.

It's not as expletive-laced or frothing-at-the-mouth as Matt Taibbi's effort, so it might not be as enjoyable to some of you.

But The Atlantic piece does have an air of objectivity to it that makes it more valuable in my opinion (which is the one that counts).

In a primitive political system, power is transmitted through violence, or the threat of violence: military coups, private militias, and so on. In a less primitive system more typical of emerging markets, power is transmitted via money: bribes, kickbacks, and offshore bank accounts. Although lobbying and campaign contributions certainly play major roles in the American political system, old-fashioned corruption—envelopes stuffed with $100 bills—is probably a sideshow today, Jack Abramoff notwithstanding.

Instead, the American financial industry gained political power by amassing a kind of cultural capital—a belief system. Once, perhaps, what was good for General Motors was good for the country. Over the past decade, the attitude took hold that what was good for Wall Street was good for the country. The banking-and-securities industry has become one of the top contributors to political campaigns, but at the peak of its influence, it did not have to buy favors the way, for example, the tobacco companies or military contractors might have to. Instead, it benefited from the fact that Washington insiders already believed that large financial institutions and free-flowing capital markets were crucial to America’s position in the world.

One channel of influence was, of course, the flow of individuals between Wall Street and Washington. Robert Rubin, once the co-chairman of Goldman Sachs, served in Washington as Treasury secretary under Clinton, and later became chairman of Citigroup’s executive committee. Henry Paulson, CEO of Goldman Sachs during the long boom, became Treasury secretary under George W.Bush. John Snow, Paulson’s predecessor, left to become chairman of Cerberus Capital Management, a large private-equity firm that also counts Dan Quayle among its executives. Alan Greenspan, after leaving the Federal Reserve, became a consultant to Pimco, perhaps the biggest player in international bond markets.

tagged: economy, The Atlantic, Matt Taibbi, Simon Johnson, recession, AIG, bailout

Playing ketchup

One of the things that's kind of disheartening about the recent economic bump in the road we're all trying to get through is how cavalier people are about throwing around such astronomically huge numbers.

A billion dollars here, a billion dollars there. Pretty soon, your actually talking about real money.

In fact the government so far has committed $11.6 trillion in financial support to failing businesses (banks, auto companies, insurers, mortgage brokers).

Now, $11.6 trillion doesn't really sound like a lot when you say it like that. I mean, sure it sounds large, but c'mon a 't' is much smaller than an 'm' or a "b" -- right? And besides "trillion" has kind of a pretty sound to it. Kind of like a bird singing.

When you write it out numerically, it has a little more impact: $11,600,000,000,000. Whooo! Look at all those zeros!

But I don't think even writing out all of those zeros gives a really good picture of just how much $11.6 trillion is.

To get a better picture of just how large of a number 11.6 trillion is, I like to convert it into a unit that is a little more familiar to regular working class Joes like me. That's right, I like to think of it in terms of tomatoes.

Your typical household garden variety tomato is about 10 centimeters in diameter. So line up 10 of these sweet, juicy bundles of tastiness, and you're looking at 100 centimeters worth of tomatoes. That's one meter for those of you who are products of the Kansas City Missouri school system.

At 100 tomatoes to the meter, you need 10,000 tomatoes to make a kilometer. This is nice to know, because now you can compare the number of tomatoes in various distances. For example, the distance from my house to the Boulevard Brewing Co. tasting room is about 16.25 kilometers. That's a distance of 165,500 tomatoes.

Of course, 165,500 is infinitesimally small compared to 11.6 trillion. So let's think a little larger. The great state of Kansas is 340 kilometers wide. So line up 3,400,000 (3.4 million) tomatoes side by side and you'll get from KC to Hayes and then some. But it's still only a fraction of the 11.6 trillion.

The United States is about 2,600 miles (from New York to San Francisco). That works out to roughly 4,184 kilometers. So you'll need 41,840,000 tomatoes to get from sea to shining sea. But $41.8 million doesn't even cover the mortgage on Bernie Madoff's second house.

Gotta go larger. Gotta think globally.

So, the circumference of the Earth at the equator is about 40,080 kilometers. Converted to tomatoes, that's 400,800,000. So if you had 401 million tomatoes, you could line them up all the way around the world. That's a pretty big number, but you'll note we haven't even reached a billion yet, let alone a trillion.

Earth to the moon is roughly 363,300 kilometers (at perigee). That works out to 3,633,000,000 tomatoes. So if we line up 3.6 billion tomatoes side by side you'll have a row of veggies stretching to the moon. That's a lot of marinara, but we've still got four decimal places to go before we reach the kind of numbers the bailout architects are talking about.

Going out a little farther, the mean distance from Earth to the Sun is 149,300,000 kilometers -- 1,493,000,000,000 tomatoes. Now we're getting some idea of just how large a number like 11.6 trillion is. Consider this, if you had 11.6 trillion tomatoes, you could line up tomatoes side to side and this resulting line of tomatoes would reach from the Earth to the Sun.

In fact, you would have enough tomatoes to make SEVEN lines of tomatoes from the Earth to the Sun. And you would still have millions of tomatoes left over!

So yeah, 11.6 trillion? That, my friends, is a lot of tomatoes.



tagged: bailout, billion, trillion, million, tomatoes, Giada De Laurentiis, Boulevard Brewing Co.