YouTube Tuesday: Wiped out

I don't do many product endorsements here, but I have to say that the Comfort Wipe is a revolutionary leap forward in ass-wiping technology.

Only a cretin or a Luddite would use his hand when the Comfort Wipe is available. C'mon people! We're living in the future here!



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, toilet paper, wipe, Comfort Wipe, technology

GM ail

I just wanted to revisit a point that my good friend Logtar raised a couple of weeks ago when GM bit the bullet and filed for bankruptcy.

True to his form, Logtar is optimistic about the prospects of a restructured GM coming out of bankruptcy and competing on a global stage.

And true to my form, I'm a bit cynical. I worry that our government's decision to pour $50 billion in to a failed auto company will have unintended consequences.

Let me be clear here. I don't want GM to go bankrupt. Nobody does. Having such a large company suffer through bankruptcy is not good for America whether I like the cars or not.

But the rationale for pumping $50 billion into GM was that they were "too big to fail." That if the auto companies failed, our economy would be devastated with 9 percent unemployment.

Well, now we have a failed GM and 9 percent unemployment. Plus we're out $50 billion.

And let's face it, there's no way that a restructured GM will ever turn into a good investment for the American taxpayer. I don't even think anyone seriously believes we'll even get our original $50 billion investment back -- let alone a return on that investment.

That's all in the past. It is what it is. What worries me now is the ongoing trend this represents and the opportunities we've lost in following this approach.

For one thing there's a pretty good chance that the $50 billion investment in GM was mainly politically motivated. Nobody gets elected president if you don't win in Michigan and Pennsylvania. Allow auto companies to fail due to poor management decisions and you can pretty much kiss your re-election goodbye.

This political reality is present in many countries -- Germany, Japan, Korea. So there's a global trend of keeping automobile output artificially high. As a global system, we're allowing the automobile market to be inefficient. Too many resources are being dedicated to a product for which there is already a glut.

Again, I don't want to see the pain of a failed GM. But if we have to go through the pain anyway, shouldn't we invest our money in areas that are more deserving?

Tesla Motors, for example, has proven that it is innovative and forward thinking. Just imagine the technological leaps they could make with a $50 billion infusion. We would probably all be driving 100% electric cars within 10 years.

What's more, is this going to be a precedent for future corporate failures? What will we do when (not if, when) the big American petroleum companies are on the verge of failure because all of the oil has been pumped. Will we continue to invest billions of dollars of good money into bad companies? Shouldn't we instead seek a transition into more efficient and innovative endeavors?

Of course, all of this is academic. The bets have been placed and the dice have been cast. Nothing left to do but hope we don't lose even more.

Ah, now I know what Obama meant by "hope."

tagged: economy, auto, GM, General Motors, Tesla, Obama, bankruptcy

Friday Blogthing: Star Trekin'

I was dangerously close to being an expendable redshirt. Yikes!

You are
Will Riker

At times you are self-centered
but you have many friends.
You love many women, but the right
woman could get you to settle down.



Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

Will Riker 80%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 50%
Jean-Luc Picard 45%
James T. Kirk (Captain) 35%
Chekov 35%
Worf 35%
Beverly Crusher 30%
Geordi LaForge 30%
Mr. Scott 25%
Data 24%
Leonard McCoy (Bones) 20%
Uhura 20%
Mr. Sulu 20%
Spock 10%
Deanna Troi 10%

tagged: Friday, blogthing, Star Trek, Riker, quiz, blog, meme

Top Ten Thursday: Street Name entendres

I know this is childish and immature, but then so is 90 percent of what's out there on the Internet.

It struck me the other day while driving back from the Great White Northland that there are a lot of streets/roads/highways around the KC Metro area that -- in a certain frame of mind anyway -- have vaguely dirty sounding names.

So that led me to compile this week's Top Ten Thursday category:

Top Ten KC Metro Area Street Names That Sound Vaguely Dirty

10) Congress Street

9) Springhorn Lane

8) Dickman Avenue

7) Eaton Street

6) Bushman Drive

5) Woodend Drive

4) Hancock Avenue

3) Longwood Avenue

2) Johnson Drive

1) 69 Highway

Honorable mention goes to Beaver Drive up in Cowgill, Mo.

Okay pervs, submit to the comments any streets I missed.

tagged: Top Ten, list, Kansas City, street, names, double entendre, Johnson, 69, Hancock, Longwood

Awkward Pie: Lunchtime casualty

I really felt bad about it. I hadn't meant to shoot the guy in the back. He didn't even seem to notice the thick, red, coagulating liquid that was oozing slowly down the back of his shirt.

It was identical to the liquid strewn across my own face and neck, like a slash wound from a sweet-tangy scimitar.

As I apologized to the gentleman, a spry fellow of some 80 years or so who was probably a regular customer at this particular IHOP, I myself was trying to recover from the tragedy, reliving the previous few moments which in hindsight seemed to happen in slow motion.

It all started when the IHOP waitress delivered our lunch, part of which was our 6-year-old's cheeseburger with fries. Me being the Awesome dad I am, I grabbed the ketchup bottle to dispense a blob for the kid's dipping pleasure.

And like every experienced ketchup pourer, I take the usual precaution of shaking the ketchup bottle to mix in that watery ketchup juice that always perks it's way up to the top of the bottle (a substance I call "ketchup tea" and it's just as disgusting as it sounds).

This is were it all goes badly awry. Someone, some diabolical joker or lazy loser, had left the cap of the ketchup sitting on top of the bottle, but unscrewed.

The upshot: When I gave the bottle a couple of vigorous shakes, the lid flew off, followed by ketchup spewing across the table, across my face and neck, and across the back of the gentleman sitting behind me.

As I apologized profusely to the guy, I realized he wasn't upset at all. In fact, as patrons at other tables observed in shocked entertainment, the fellow actually wanted to have a conversation about the event.

He seemed like the kind of guy who would get a lot of mileage out of this story with his friends at the coffee shop, the barber shop and everywhere else he hangs out with his geriatric homies.

But as much as I was sorry for the ketchup massacre, I still had lunch to eat and I was getting grossed out standing there with ketchup all over my face, neck and shirt.

I cut the old guy off in mid-reminisce and made my way though the lunchtime crowd to the restroom where I took off my shirt (luckily I was wearing a t-shirt underneath) and used a healthy helping of paper towels and soapy water to wash the rapidly ripening ketchup from my head and neck.

We finished our lunch in relative calm. As we left, I shot the guy a final apologetic look.

He winked and said "At least it wasn't mustard."

tagged: family, food, dining, ketchup, awkward, IHOP

YouTube Tuesday: Zombie College

You remember back in the day (last Friday to be exact) when all those zombies were walking through the Crossroads District? Well, didn't ya ever wonder why they were just walking around?

I mean, c'mon zombies! Just wandering aimlessly around town is no kind of way to unlive. For cryin' out loud, get some direction in your after-life. Maybe take up a hobby, or get a part-time job. Maybe even enroll in some college courses...



tagged: YouTube, movie, humor, zombie, college, Zombie Walk

Persona non blogga

Hello? (tap, tap, tap) Is this thing on?

Wow. Funny how real life can get in the way of the internetz sometimes. Not funny like "ha ha" funny. More like funny in that ironical, makes-you-think kind of way.

So anyway, here's an update from my Awesome life. A few highlights from my week (like you care).

• I finally mowed my grass in the back yard. Due to a series of unfortunate events that included business travel and lots of rain, some of the grass back there was nearly a foot tall. And don't even get me started on the weeds. My back yard has more weed than a Rotterdam coffee house.
  
  
• Kicked ass at Need for Speed Undercover on the Wii. I think my real life driving style has really prepared me for success in this game.
  
  
• Contributed to the Xtacles second-place finish in our weekly bowling league match up. I have a feeling that Logtar and Chimpotle are getting frustrated with my unconventional overhand bowling style. Trust me guys, it will start to click soon.
  
  
• Planted some upside-down tomatoes. Also, some upside-down cucumbers. Up next: Upside-down carrots and upside "home-grown herbs."
  
  
• Installed a keypad garage door opener. Yeah, most people in the 'burbs already have one of these, so I thought I'd bring us into the 1990s. Email me if you want the combination.

Let's see. It seems like there was at least on other big thing that happened. Well, I don't know about "big," but it's probably worth mentioning in passing...

Our second daughter arrived!!!

That's right. I'm doing my part to pass on superior genetic material to help delay the inevitable demise of the human race. Now mind you, I'm not talking about my genes. The world doesn't need more fat bald guys. But it's important that my Supermodel Wife's Supermodel Genes get passed on to future generations. For our purposes, that means a second future-Supermodel daughter.

And she was an early bird, arriving about three weeks early. Four pounds. Twelve ounces. Tons of heart.

Yeah. It's been a good week.

tagged: family, baby, tomato, Topsy Turvy, bowling, Xtacles, environmentalist

I'd be happy to tell you why you're wrong

My good friend and former "Sexiest Man in Independence" is battling withdrawal symptoms (caused by missing too many hippie drum circles) with yet another repetitive, irrational call for a single global government.

There is only one path to the survival of humans on his planet. At some point, we have to have a One World Government that can enforce laws and policies that benefit everyone, everywhere, while controlling and allocating worldwide resources equally for the benefit of all.

My initial reaction was, "Oof. This again?"

Then XO gave me a glimmer of hope by hinting that he doesn't really believe 100 percent in this Utopian claptrap when he begged for people to "Tell me why I'm wrong."

Okay. I'm happy to go over this with you again.

The essential flaw in your logic thought process is that somehow in your 80 years on this planet you've failed to grasp an understanding of the most rudimentary and basic aspects the human condition.

Anyone who thinks that the notions of natural selection and evolution have even the remotest whiff of validity can see the logical flaw when they follow those concepts through to their logical conclusions.

That flaw being, humans are animals.

Now, don't take this to mean that I'm down on humanity. I love humanity. Humanity has been very good to me. Humanity has been responsible for some of the greatest artistic and technological achievements the world has ever seen.

I love humanity, and I get kind of annoyed by people who place more importance in other -ities than humanity.

The failure in the thinking feelings of Utopians like XO is that they don't recognize this very basic fact. If you want to attempt to solve the problems of humanity, you must have an honest recognition of what humanity is and what that implies.

Because humans are animals, you can expect them to behave like animals in various situations. Highly refined animals, sure, but animals nonetheless.

For example, like cattle, people won't to anything if they don't have to. If there's someone there providing all the basic needs of food, shelter and digital TV converter boxes, there's no motivation to go out and be productive. That's not to say that we shouldn't help each other out. We absolutely should. But we should help out each other, for the betterment of our species, and not shove our duties to each other on to larger and larger governmental agencies.

Additionally, if a single person (or group of people) are given charge of distributing wealth and resources on a global scale, just like pigs they'll consume all of the resources they can as quickly as possible with no regard for the needs of anyone else.

The amount of power and corruption concentrated into this hypothetical one-world government would make the Goldman Sachs-Federal Reserve-Obama Administration cabal look like a playground bully.

Concentrating government power is the complete opposite of what we should be doing. Obviously we need some government to help provide basic services. But a decentralized government, where representatives are as close as possible to the represented, is the best way to combat humanity's animal tendencies when it comes to taking other people's stuff and not doing anything productive.

In fact, multiple sovereigns, governmental and social systems is analogous to evolution's natural selection. Political boundaries are the way they are because socio-political evolution has dictated it.

tagged: politics, evolution, humanity, animals, natural selection

Blogger v. Twitter

Of course. Twitter is a de rigueur cyberflavor of the week. But I would hate to think that my favorite bloggers were abandoning their long-form musings for Twitter's quick 140-character fix.

And I'm not the only one. My good friend Logtar has thrown down the gauntlet for a sudden death, Thunderdome-style massive laser tag battle royal to determine once and for all who will be left standing to rule Kansas City's digital landscape.

And judging from the comments on his post, bloggers are severely outnumbered by Twits.

But I don't want that to discourage any of you bloggers out there. Don't worry that we may be outnumbered. That's a good thing. In fact, that's the way I want it!

If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our blogs loss; and if to live,
The fewer bloggers, the greater share of honour.
Blogger's will! I pray thee, wish not one blogger more.
By WordPress, I am not covetous for followers,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my RSS;
It yearns me not if men my status follow;
Such outward things dwell not in my Google results.

But if it be a sin to covet pageviews,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, Faith (my link) wish not a twit from Twitter.
Blogger's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one twitterer more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!

Rather proclaim it, Blogspot, through my post,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his Fail Whale shall be made,
We would not blog in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to laser tag with us.

This day is call'd the Blogger vs Twitter.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe homepage,
Will write long blogs when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Wordpress.

Short tweets forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with archives,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our avatars,
Familiar on his keyboard as household words-
Logtar, Nightmare and T-Rave,
Wrytir and Nuke, Chimpo and Emawkc-
Be in their 140-character tweets freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good blogger post on Facebook;

And blogger/tweeter meetup shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the Internet,
But we in it shall be remembered-

We few, we happy few, we band of bloggers;
For he today that shoots toy lasers with me
Shall be a blogger...

tagged: blogger, Twitter, laser tag, Logtar, Shakespeare

This is only a test

Hey, can you cats do me a solid? I've been monkeying around with the RSS feed here and I need to know if I've jacked it up beyond all recognition.

Could some of you cool people who use an RSS reader let me know if you're still getting this RSS feed? Just leave a comment below if you are so I'll know that I haven't completely borked the works here.

Only the coolest, most awesome people need to respond. I assume you know who you are.

Thanks.
tagged: blog, RSS, feed, help