Monday, April 30, 2007

Right on target

The hot topic of conversation in the KC blogiverse today is yesterday's 3-death massacre at Ward Parkway Mall.

My good friend Xavier Onassis is taking a particularly rough comments beating for his point of view:
I think we should limit gun ownership to one narrowly defined hunting rifle per adult and round up and confiscate everything else.
He's suffering the usual slings and arrows of the slack-jawed knuckle-draggers who think the constitutionally guaranteed right to own firearms guarantees them the right to own firearms.

Well I'd just like to come to XO's defense on this one.

He's right. Just because the constitution says we should have something, doesn't mean that we really should. After all, what do we know. We elect people to congress and White Houses to tell us what we need so that we don't have to think about it.

XO make a valid point that, since we've given up so many of our other constitutionally guaranteed freedoms, we should give up this one as well. Who needs rights anyway? Isn't our society advancing to a point where we can rely on the Morlocks to provide for us at the relatively low expense of sending them one or two of our Eloi now and then?

No, I'm with Xavier on this one. In fact, I think his ideas don't go far enough.

Sure, restricting the types of guns people can own is good. Absolutely we need to have government troops round up and confiscate all non-approved firearms. But that's only the beginning.

As a next step, we need to create a government registry of all people who want to own a firearm, or have views sympathetic to firearm owners. As XO points out, these kinds of people are obviously mentally defective. So they do need to be tracked and controlled.

We should probably designate certain areas within each city for these people to live and, for the safety of the public at large, restrict their movements from these areas.

To be doubly safe, we should make sure all of us right-thinking, non-insane non-gun-owners know when we're dealing with a "gun nut" by requiring them to wear some kind of insignia that identifies them as the sub-humans they really are. I'm thinking a red and white target, or perhaps a six-pointed star or something.

Anyway, I'm sure there a more ideas out there to help us come to a final solution on the gun owners problem. Maybe since gun owners like to hunt in the woods, we can send them all camping. Of course we would have to fence in the camps to make sure innocent people don't stray into these concentrations of gun owners. But it could work.

It's clear that after the last few weeks, we have to do something.

tagged: , , , , , , ,


  1. HA! you think your silly little camping trips and star badges will control the masses? BAH! We would need a some sort of mass transit device, like a bus, or train system, to make sure that these people made it to their designated camping areas, and while we're at lets not forget how dirty these unwashed masses are, we should provide some sort of shower system to take care of them....

  2. You clever little monkey. Good post. All aboard!

  3. For a minute, I thought you were being serious. Then I realized you were deploying the brilliant polemic device of pretending to agree with the most extreme interpretation of an idea in order to make it look ridiculous.

    I totally agree with you w/r/t guns and dystopic government registries, etc. etc., but we need an agreed-upon "safe-word" as an irony indicator from now on. Maybe we can agree to precede ironic statements with a fart joke -- this will henceforth communicate impending irony.

  4. Nightmare, I like where you're going with this. Maybe we could turn this into some kind of economic boon as well. If gunnuts could be taught to speak proper English (not that Redneck Appalachian language, mind you) perhaps they could be forced to answer customer service calls at a call center in Omaha in exchange for ammo?

    Smedrock: There's a very fine line between stupid and clever. I may have crossed it.

    Chris... pull my finger.

  5. nightmare - "We would need a some sort of mass transit device, like a bus, or train system, to make sure that these people made it to their designated camping areas".

    I know! What about a gondola?!?

    I'll go gather signatures, you start stringing cable! Yeah, this will be great!

    emaw - good one! I rush over here to bask in your support only to be cleverly bitch-slapped. You slay me!


Your turn to riff...