Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Pump you up

Clusterflock linked us to a NYT Magazine article interview with Dick Pound, head of the World Anti-Doping Agency (note: I'll stay clear of the obvious joke about how Dick Pound sounds like a porn actor's name. I mean, that's just too easy even for me).

Here's that passage got my attention:
Performance enhancement is like any other kind of underground activity: the participants are the only ones who know for sure what they’re up to. Anabolic steroids were for weight lifters, home-run hitters and sprinters and would never help an athlete in an endurance event like the Tour de France, right? Yet that’s what Landis tested positive for. How that might have helped him climb mountains is unknown — except, if he took them, by Landis and any enablers. Everybody thought pitchers never used steroids because they value flexibility more than strength. Then baseball started checking for steroids, and about half the positive tests came from pitchers. In university laboratories across the world, and in places like the United States Department of Defense, scientists are dreaming up yet new ways to enhance human beings — steps that may very well be taken by elite athletes before they are perfected or even considered safe.
Hey, you ain't seen nuthin' yet. What do you think the whole stem cell thing is about. It sure as hell isn't about curing Parkinson's Disease, I can tell you. That's just the public propaganda that "they" want us to buy.

And who is "they" you ask?

Well, I have documented proof that a cabal of conspirators including the Defense Department, George Steinbrenner, GlaxoSmithKline, and the University of Oklahoma is conducting a secret research project to create super enhanced collegiate curlers using stem cells.

Of course this is just the first step. The technology will eventually be used to create a race of super soldiers, kind of like Kurt Russel in that movie Soldier.

Which is really okay. I mean, we're going to need somebody to fight the machines when the great robot revolution begins.

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