I thought Turkey was our ally?

From the off-beat news department comes this dispatch from James Township, Mich.

"Something just exploded," Gerald Henze told The Saginaw News.

He turned and saw a turkey walking down the hallway. Maureen Henze, who was sitting in a recliner, was injured by flying glass after the turkey crashed through the picture window of their James Township home.

I got a good chuckle out of that. But it does raise the following geopolitical question -- If Iraq attacked Turkey from behind, would Greece help?

(sounds funnier if you read it out loud)

tagged: Iraq, Turkey, Greece, humor, politics

Garmored Cars

I read the Star's article about local companies that have launched corporate blogs. The writer mentions Garmin, the Olathe-based maker of GPS gear (that's Global Positioning System, for you old folk).

The Star linked to a story from the frontlines in Afghanistan:

"On 23 September 05 one of my trucks was hit with an IED (improvised explosive device). The GPS was velcroed to the window sill in the truck. After the truck burned to the ground, we found the Garmin still hanging in there, the only piece of equipment to survive... The Garmin is melted and deformed but still works. I have been saved by my Garmin GPS on several occasions. I can always count on it. All I have to do is pull it off my vest and that's where I am. I can call for help on the radio and get medevacs, close air support, indirect fires, or straighten out myself while navigating."

So, this Garmin device is made out of something similar to the "Black Box" material. You know, the black box that is always the only working piece of gear to survive a plane crash?

So here's what I'm thinking, the gub'ment should have Garmin build all military vehicles to be IED resistant.

tagged: Afghanistan, war, IED, improvised explosive device, Garmin, GPS

Don't player hate, player appreciate

One of the great things about the Internet is that there are so many people willing to help out and provide desperately needed services to jive turkeys like me who would otherwise be lost in a labyrinth of uncoolness.

The fact that I would use the word "labyrinth" shows how desperate my situation is.

Name pimpifier www.playerappreciate.com is an example of a website that provides just such a service. Now when I go slap down my bitches in the hood, I will be know as "D. Magical L. Dazzle."

Here's what the pimpifier told me:

"One of the things most hype about being an elevated player is having a name that mothafuckas respect. It's that one thing that punks who don't have your money always remember to yell while you're beating them down. "No D. Magical L. Dazzle! Please don't beat me down D. Magical L. Dazzle! I left my money in my other pants D. Magical L. Dazzle!"

See what I mean?"

So what's your pimp name, big daddy?

tagged: pimp, name, jive, humor, pop culture

Snake Saturday

It was beautiful in North KC Saturday. An amazing 75 degrees and sunny with just the slightest breeze to keep things cool.

Although the local constabulary wouldn't allow alcohol on the streets, many of the contestants in the BBQ contest were more than generous with their liquid consumables, which was good because the Snake Saturday parade lasted about two and a half hours.

Anyway, you couldn't ask for a nicer day, and it's still officially winter. So I've decided to coin a new term for spring-like weather in winter, Springter.

tagged: Irish, Snake Saturday, Saint Patrick's Day, North Kansas City, Missouri, weather, spring, winter

asstrology

Did you hear the big news? NASA scientists have observed a gigantic plume of icy water spewed forth by Enceladus, a small moon orbiting Saturn.

This is huge, since the presence of water is viewed by astrobiologists as a key to extraterrestrial life.

In fact, not only do scientists think the presence of water on Enceladus indicates the possible presence of life, they think it lends support to the idea of life on other heavenly bodies as well.

For example, some scientists think they have seen signs of microbial life on Uranus.

(I know it was a cheap joke. But those are the best kind).
tagged: humor, Saturn, moon, Enceladus, astrology, extraterrestrial, Uranus

Disaster or catastrophe

I was surprised to see Xavier Onasis at Hip Suburban White Guy railing against President Bush today.

Really, I had not idea he felt that way.

According to HSWG, Bush is solely responsible for allowing Iran to destroy the earth in an impending nuclear holocaust.

I'd just like to respond with a couple of small points.

First, the humanity on Earth will be destroyed sooner or later, and for extreme environmentalist Greenies like myself, the sooner the better. Then the earth can get on with being an innocent ball of mud and water making it's way through the universe in peace.

My second point is this: Although a simplistic world view might help some people get through the night, purely good or bad guys are rare. No catastrophe is ever the fault of one person, just like no one person can ever claim all of the credit for great accomplishments.

In the case of Iran's nuclear ambitions, I think a lot of the blame can be given to Europe.

But don't take my word for it.

Leon de Winter, a Dutch novelist and adjunct fellow at the Hudson Institute, published an opinion in the Wall Street Journal stating that Europe's lack of testicular fortitude is big reason Iran is getting its way with nuclear ambition.

"The mullahs also knew that the Troika couldn't back up its threat of an economic boycott with the threat of military action. If the EU couldn't muster the will to fight in its own backyard in the Balkans without America leading the way, it surely wouldn't put any lives at risk beyond the frontiers of the Continent.

By contrast, Iran, ostensibly a democracy but in reality a religious tyranny, possesses a character trait that is almost nonexistent in modern Europe: Iranians, almost exclusively Shiite, are willing to suffer."

As usual with the WSJ, it's mighty fine writin' and I encourage you to read the rest of de Winter's piece. Especially you, Xavier, until you become a little older and wiser.

tagged: Iran, Europe, nuclear, Wall Street Journal, EU, Bush, environmentalist

My way or the Segway

Entering the parking garage at work the other day, I saw a security guard on a Segway.

Security guards, it seems, are one of the niche markets for the gadget dubbed by its creators as a revolutionary transportation device. Other niche markets include old farts who use it to transport their golf clubs and lazy bastards who don't feel like walking to the donut shop.

Now, it seems Segway is trying to branch out into a more athletic clientele. This is where Segway Polo comes it.

Segway Polo - that's right, replace a horse with a Segway - is the latest rage among Las Vegas epicureans and nouveau riche Silicon Valley tech geeks.

I used to be good at playing polo, so I've put one of these on my Amazon wishlist. If nothing else, I can use it to go from the couch to the fridge to get another beer.
tagged: Segway, polo, pop culture, golf, Las Vegas, Silicon Valley, nouveau riche

Punxsutawney Phil my ass!

In yet another sign that spring has arrived early (Punxsutawney Phil my ass!), the KC metro area currently under a tornado watch. As far as I know (which isn't very far) it's the first of the "Tornado Season" (whatever that is).

I don't have much respect for tornadoes. In fact, I kind of feel I've been ripped off by tornadoes. I really think tornadoes owe me one. You see, in my more than 30 years as a resident of Kansas, I've never seen a tornado first-hand.

What a gyp.

Everybody says that tornadoes are all scary and exciting, but I couldn't tell you that. In fact, one of the conspiracy theories I subscribe to is that tornadoes don't really exist. They're just a myth, like the Yetti or its North American cousin the Sasquatch. Tornadoes are an invention of old wives tales and Hollywood special effects.

So come on, tornadoes. Give my birthright as a Kansan. Make with the blowing and the swirling and the lifting-up-my-house-and-
dropping-it-in-a-magical-land-of-wizards-and-midgets.

Just don't do it during The Sopranos (debuts March 12, 9 p.m. diggity!).
tagged: television, weather, tornado, Kansas, Wizard of Oz, midgets, Sopranos, Punxsutawney Phil, spring, Sasquatch, Yetti

Zeyad from Iraq

I've been reading Zeyad the Dentist's blog from Iraq for several months now, and so should you.

Zeyad gives an unfiltered perspective on what's happening on the ground in Baghdad. Refreshingly, he doesn't seem to approach the war from a "liberal" or "conservative" bias. He simply reports, almost clinically, what he sees and hears in his city.

And he's a helluva good writer. Here's a sample from his most recent post about the bombing of the 1,300-year-old Abbasid palace in Samarra.

"No further details on the incident were provided, but still, it boggles the mind that such an operation could be carried out twice at the same area in just over a week. Given the historical and cultural value of these palaces and mosques in such a tense area, where a similar attack took place last week, one would think that they would be closely guarded.
But why protect buildings in a country where human life has no value anyway?"

tagged: media, blog, Islam, Muslim, Iraq, war, dentist, bombing

YouTubing

I've linked to YouTube several times, and I think it's about the coolest thing going on the web right now, which means it won't be long before some bastard lawyer (no offense, Dan) with a DRM comes along a puts the kibosh on the whole thing.

Nevertheless, here's my latest favorite, a live action version of the Simpsons animated intro. Enjoy!


tagged: television, Simpsons, YouTube, video, pop culture, Internet, web