Troost story

This morning I went to work with an inch-long gash in my face.

It extends from just below the corner of my right eye, up and to the left across the bridge of my nose, and ends between my eyes. It was put there yesterday by the ring of the jerk off who punched me as he tried to take my wallet while I gassed up my car in east Kansas City.

I like to think I gave as good as I got. After delivering some well-timed Tony Soprano-style punches, I held the guy with the help of some bystanders until the cops showed up. And I kept my wallet.

That's what I'm telling people. Of course the entire story is a complete fabrication, except the part about the inch-long gash. That really happened.

It's just that the true story is too embarrassing to use in everyday conversation. Nevertheless, I'll relate it here, since that's what blogs are for.

A few months ago I installed one of those fold down attic ladders in our garage to make it easier to access the storage in the attic.

The layout of our house is such that you must go through the garage to get to the basement. So after finishing dinner last night I head down to the basement to get some tools to fix a problem we were having with a door handle (different story).

Anyway, unbeknownst to me (but beknownst to the studio audience), my Supermodel Wife had lowered the aforementioned attic ladder. Not all the way though. She hadn't actually unfolded the lower part of the ladder; she had just pulled the hinged part down. So there was a nice sharp edge of plywood at right about my eye level.

All this happened at about 7 p.m., as the setting sun was shining through the west window of our garage, its glare obscuring the view.

The last thing I remember thinking before I walked Jack Tripper-like into the pulled down ladder was "Why is this pull-string hanging down so low?" SLAM!!!

Of course I was hellapissed at the time. I spouted few choice invectives and blamed my Supermodel Wife for lowering the ladder to decapitation level.

The truth is I was mostly mad at myself for being so stupid and clumsy. And honestly, I still am, which is why I need to come up with a better story, like the mugging described above.

I'm also toying with the idea that the injury is the result of an amateur boxing match (I could be a contender).

tagged: nose, gash, cut, accident, lie, story, mugging

YouTube Tuesday: Whazzuup!

The "Whazzuup!" Budweiser commercial was huge a few years ago, and it spawned a slew of "consumer generated" remakes even before the days of YouTube and omnipresent broadband connections.

I remember one of my favorite versions had Batman, Superman and some of the other superfriends greeting each other over their Superfriends Communicators.

So this week's installment of YouTube Tuesday keeps with the nostalgia theme with this version of the "Whazzup!" commercial. It's hellacute, and it gets extra style points for exploiting children.

True. True.



tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, Bud, Budweiser, pop culture, children

Photochopping Phelps

Generally whenever someone starts talking/writing about Fred Phelps, my first response is to not listen and not participate.

The anti-human Phelps, who graciously attended my college graduation ceremony, seeks only attention. So, by not granting him any mental resources at all, I figure I'm denying him what he most desires. Literally, I think if we ignore him long enough, he'll just go away.

Having said that, I couldn't resist the challenge issued by JD to do a Photoshop mashup of Phelps at a recent rally. So, here are my entries.

My first thought was to chose something obvious...


Then, I got to thinking about what Phelps thinks about current pop culture...


And of course, this is a great place for the classic "Protesting with Stupid" treatment...


There you go JD. I hope my Photoshop kung-fu is worthy.

tagged: Fred Phelps, photoshop, Brokeback Mountain, pop culture

Return of the KGB

It's been a while since we've heard from "them," and you can call me unpatriotic, but I think it's time to bring back the KGB.

This not-so-secret organization has been on hiatus several weeks now. I'm referring of course to the Kansas Guild of Bloggers. The idea (and the clever name) comes from Lyn Perry at Bloging Out Loud.

For some inexplicable (or maybe just unexplained) reason, Lyn has taken a break from organizing the regular KGB Blog Carnival. So, that’s where the rest of us (from Kansas) come in. Let’s keep the weekly roundup of Kansas blog posts going. I’m volunteering to host this week.

Here’s how it works: You submit a blog post to be included in a digest of Kansas-related posts that I'll put up next Monday (April 17). You can send me a link via email of comment to this blog post, but the best way is to submit the post to the Blog Carnival that Lyn set up.

There's even one of those groovy blog-style icons:

So your first assignment as a KGB operative is to submit a blog link to the carnival by 16:00 Kansas Time (that's 4 p.m.) on Sunday, April 15. That's Easter Sunday, so don't wait until the last minute, ya damn slackers!

Your second assignment is to forward a link to this post to any bloggers that you know of in Kansas. Also if you know of any expatriot KGB operatives (bloggers from Kansas who currently live in a foreign country like Italy, Spain, or Texas), make sure they know about this effort as well. We're depending on you to make this thing work.

Your third assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to join the KGB frappr map. You can see it all the way down at the right-hand column of this blog. Keep going, all the way at the bottom. See it? Good. Just click it and follow the instructions to add yourself. This is optional, but it's fun, so just do it.

Okay, you have your orders. Just think of all the traffic you'll get by participating. Don't make me beg. Honestly, that's something you really don't want to see.

tagged: Kansas, blog, blogger, carnival, KGB

Been there

I came across this cute little Google Maps hack the other day that shows the states I've visited. So now that you know where I've been, you can see where I have yet to travel. If you live in one of the gray states, drop me a line and I'll stop by soon (you don't mind me crashing on your couch do you?)


Click here create your own visited states map. There's also one for showing the countries you have visited.

tagged: United States, map, travel

Wrapping it up with Amelie

Well, another Thursday has come and gone, which makes today Friday, which means it's time to play the Amelie Game. I hope you've been keeping track of you're weekly likes and dislikes, because I have.

Here they are:
Dislikes:

• Missouri license plate #175 WGP
• Springing forward (and losing an hour of sleep)
• Throwing good money after bad (for the sake of spoiled millionaires and billionaires).

Likes:

• Free double espresso at Starbucks just for sweet-talking the pretty barrista
• 01:02:03 04/05/06.
• These things (thanks to Joe at Kansas City soil)

Okay, now it's your turn. Leave your likes and dislikes for the week in the comments. And remember, not leaving a comment makes Baby Jesus cry*.

tagged: Amelie, Friday, Starbucks, espresso, Kansas City, littering, barrista

*I'm referring of course to Jesus Hernandez, the two-month-old son of the couple who moved into the house down the street recently. Welcome to the neighborhood, Hernandezes

Holy CrApple!

Apple computers announced today that they will distribute software that will allow you to install Windows on new Macintosh computers.

As a long-time Macintosh and MacOS fan, I'm blown away by this announcement. It just seems so superfluous. I mean, the whole point of buying a Mac is so that you don't have to use that gawd-awful Windoze OS.

Installing Windoze on a Mac is like putting rancid mayonnaise on a perfectly cooked fillet mignon, or spending $80 on a bottle of Brunello, then mixing it with 7-Up. Would you buy a Ferrari then paint a Confederate flag on the roof, install a horn that plays Dixie and call it the General Lee?

I'm trying to think of other things that might be comparable. Being invited to Osama Bin Ladden's nephew's bar mitzva, maybe?

It just doesn't seem right, somehow.

Surely these are the end times.

tagged: Apple, Macintosh, Mac OS, Boot Camp, Microsoft, Windows, Ferrari, Brunello, Osama Bin Laden

Sponsored by the Costanza for Congress campaign

tagged: George Costanza, Seinfeld, humor, life

Butt out

To the female driver of the purple Chevy Impala LS with the Missouri license plate number 175 WGP driving north on Roe Blvd at about 5:15 p.m. on Monday -- I HATE YOUR BUTT!

I try to live by good libertarian values. You leave me alone, I leave you alone. Live and let live, that's what I always say. That's why, when counties and cities consider complete smoking bans, I always say "Whoa! That's a little harsh."

I try to defend the rights of people to kill themselves by whatever means they choose, so long as those means don't include killing (or otherwise harming) anyone else (particularly me).

But dammit Female Missouri Smoker, you make it really hard when you throw your cigarette butt out your car window right in front of me!

As a militant extremist environmentalist, one of my biggest pet peeves is people who litter. And believe me, smokers are among the worst. I can stop at any intersection in the metro area and find a boat load of cigarette butts lying in the street and gutters.

Now, I don't object to people smoking in their cars (as long as I'm not in the car with them), but put your butts out in the ash-tray, ashhole! Hell, I enjoy my drug of choice in the car all the time, but I don't throw used coffee cups out my window.

I've considered getting one of those LED message marquees installed in my car so I could send a message to smokers who throw their butts out the window. But since I'm not technical enough to figure that out, and since it would just be a distraction and probably cause and accident anyway, I've opted for this blog post.

So if you know the Female Missouri Smoker with a purple Chevy Impala LS with license plate number 175 WGP, or if you are that person and your reading, here's a message:

If you're going to come to Kansas, keep your dirty butt in your car!

tagged: Kansas, Missouri, smoker, smoking, cigarette, butt, litter, environmentalist, environment

YouTube Tuesday: Clerks II

Kevin Smith's Clerks came out the year I graduated from college. The low-budget film (made for under 30 grand) was the first of a series of movies by Smith that were all set in the same universe of New Jersey.

Now, 12 years later, Smith shows us what happened in the lives of loser clerks Dante and Randall in Clerks II.

As with Seinfeld, Peal Jam, Napster (the original) and irrational exuberance, I have warm spot in my heart for Dante and Randall, which means I'll probably go see this movie for the sentimental value alone.

And, chances are I'll be disappointed. You can never go back again (unless you're VH1).

Anyway, here's the trailer from YouTube.



tagged: Kevin Smith, Clerks, YouTube, 90s, Seinfeld, Pearl Jam, Napster, irrational exuberance, movies, pop culture