The slow death of beer

According to my many inside sources at The Nielsen Company, the "Millennial" generation (those currently between 21-30 years old), are drinking 12 percent less beer than the more manly and mature Generation X (31-44-years-olds).

It appears the Millennials are opting more often for more girlie drinks like Pinot Grigio, Cosmopolitans and Appletinis.

This sounds like bad news for the beer industry, but there is a silver lining. According to the comprehensive study (which was conducted in the basement of frat house in Columbia), there is still a slight preference for beer among this generation.

• On a dollar basis, beer represents the majority (47%) of Millennial consumers’ spending, compared with spirits (27%) and wine (26%).
• On a volume basis, beer accounts for 83% of Millennials’ purchases, compared with 11% for wine and 6% for spirits.
• Among Millennials who drink different types of alcoholic beverages, beer is most often cited at their “favorite.”

So its clear that we still have a chance to save beer as the national beverage. But it's going to take us all working together.

We need to do a better job of communicating the benefits of beer consumption. These go far beyond making ugly women look sexy. Did you know that, according to a highly respected scientist, drinking homebrew is good for you, and what is commonly called a "beer belly" is, in reality, the body's storage system for wisdom and B vitamins.

The most important thing we can do is begin introducing beer consumption at an earlier age to America's youth. If you have kids of your own, or if your neighbors have elementary-age children, feel free to offer them a beer a couple of times a week.

Also, make sure to keep a couple of 12-packs or an open 40 in your call at all times, you never know when you'll be stuck in a traffic jam and this is the perfect opportunity for a communal beer bust while you wait for the authorities to cleanup that 15-car pileup.

Anyway, these are just a couple of suggestions. Like I said, it will take all of us to make a difference. Let me know what ideas you have.

tagged: beer, Millennials, alcohol, demographics, drinking, Nielsen, wine

3A.M. Poll: M-words

You know how some words just sound bad? They have this dissonance that grates on your aural nerves? It seems that a lot of them begin with M.

Or is it just me?



tagged: poll, M, words, vote, moist, mucus, membrane

Misty morning

News came out yesterday that no charges will be filed in the death of Misty Horner or her child.

The deaths, you may recall, occurred after the difficult stillborn delivery of the baby Sydney Horner in the family's home after they opted not to go to a hospital for the delivery. According to Misty's husband, who happens to also be a Lee's Summit police officer, the family refused medical help based upon their religious beliefs.

Misty's family said this refusal of medical help is what led to her death a month later from septic shock.

The KC Star reported that

Jackson County Prosecutor Jim Kanatzar said there were insufficient grounds for criminal charges in the deaths of Misty Horner and her baby, Sydney.

Kanatzar said the decision was made in part on the findings of a medical examiner who ruled the deaths were the result of natural causes, he said. But his decision also was based on standards behind Missouri’s involuntary manslaughter and child endangerment laws, he said.

Some people will be tempted to rant against this miscarriage of justice. Certainly it's easy to get emotional about this kind of story. If not for the backwards beliefs of a few misguided individuals, a mother and daughter might be alive and well today.

But few will take the macro view of this episode. Few will see that these events, while tragic, might well be for the better good of the human race.

Try to look at this from an evolutionary standpoint. The belief that prayer in the absence of science is the best hope for survival has proven in this case to be false. The baby ended up dead, and the ability of the mother to procreate was removed.

As for the father, something tells me his ability to find a suitable mate has been seriously diminished. He has essentially removed himself from the gene pool.

I know it makes me sound like an asshole. And don't get me wrong, I can imagine how upset Misty's family must be.

But let's be brutally honest. The fewer of Caleb Horner's ilk we have around, the better for human evolution.

tagged: Misty Horner, Caleb Horner, religion, science, evolution, natural selection, survival

YouTube Tuesday: Shocking

With the cold winter weather upon us, everyone in our family has donned the heavy wool winter coats.

This is good in that it keeps us warm. But it's bad in that it tends to lead to a huge buildup of static electricity.

My five-year-old came home from school yesterday in her wool coat, ran across the carpet and jumped up to give me a big hug. She also gave me a static shock that straightened my remaining hair.

It looked something like this:



tagged: static, electricity, high-voltage arc, Jacob's Ladder, winter, wool

Feetcicles

My freakin' feet are freezing!

They've been cold since I got out of the shower and I haven't been able to get them warmed up all day.

It's weird because I've been pretty comfortable from the ankles up. I've even had my shirtsleeves rolled up all afternoon.

But my toes are like icicles. Something tells me they're going to be cold until I crawl into bed tonight and put them between my supermodel wife's knees.

tagged: feet, cold, weather, wife, freezing

Another milestone

It was one of the proudest moments of fatherhood so far - right up there with our daughter's first words, first steps, first use of toilet without my help.

We were sitting on the living room floor playing the Scrabble Junior game she received on her fifth birthday a few weeks ago. She had just finished a play and had drawn two new letter tiles from the pool.

"I got a 'P,'" she exclaimed as she chose the second tile.

"Well," I said. "The bathroom is right over there. I'll wait for you."

A few seconds when by while her five-year-old brain processed my seemingly inappropriate response.

Then the amazing thing happened. Here face changed from a look of confusion, to sudden recognition as she "got" the word play, then a huge sincere smile.

That was followed by several minutes of uncontrollable laughter at my lame joke.

I couldn't help but laugh myself. Not at the joke, but at the fact that she got the punchline. Sure, she's laughed at jokes before but only because she knows she's supposed to, not because she really thinks it's funny.

When the giggling finally stopped, she said "Tell that joke again!"

But it was time to move on. I mean, I also have to teach showmanship. Always leave them wanting more.

tagged: family, joke, humor, pun, word play, parenting

Friday Blogthing: I'm not as think as you drunk I am...

It's a vacation day for me, and after an afternoon of Christmas shopping, I plan on crawling into a nice clear glass of Glenlivet*.

91%DRUNKARD

*3 O'Clock AM encourages you to drink responsibly, and plentifully.

tagged: Friday, test, drink, drunk, alcohol, drunkard, meme, blog

The KU formula

Well it's been a few days, and by now most of the initial in-your-faceness of Mizzou fans toward KU fans has subsided.

I first want to congratulate you Mizzou fans out there on a game well cheered. You supported your team to a victory and you deserve your moment in the spotlight. And a tip of the hat to the KU fans as well, who stood up to the post-game smack with aplomb. Bloodied but unbowed, they showed themselves to be good sports in a tough loss.

So while the Tiger nation is gearing up for the Big XII title bout this weekend, and the Jayhawks are cooling their heels waiting to see what upper-tier bowl they will go to, it is a good time to make sure we don't overlook the gargantuan contribution of KU head coach Mark Mangino.

You may not have noticed this man, as he tends to keep a low profile on the sideline during games. But what he has accomplished this season should not go unnoticed. In guiding his team to a successful 11-1 season, he has proven the validity of two key coaching strategies.

First is the importance of early season, on-field, non-conference preparation.

By scheduling his team for a veritable gridiron grind house in its first four games verses the likes of Central Michigan, Southeastern Louisiana, Toledo and Florida International, Mangino made sure his troops were tough and battle ready for the brutal Big XII schedule ahead.

Secondly, and most importantly, Mangino understands the need to help his players off the field as well as coach them on the field. When new recruits need academic help, for example, Mangino knows it's the coach's duty to make sure they get that help.

Sure some may call it academic fraud, but the loss of scholarships is a small price to pay for a student athlete's academic progress and the promise of fat bowl payouts.

So we salute you Coach Mangino. You may have more chins than a Chinese phone book, but you have shown us how strong priorities can lead to success on the football field.

tagged: KU, Mizzou, Kansas, Mangino, academic fraud, football, Big XII

Race to win

Last night we were watching the season finale of Dancing with the has-beens Stars.

Yes. That's a good question? Why indeed was I watching this show?

I think it was a confluence of several factors, 1) our Time Warner DVR had shot craps the day before and left us with none of the recorded decent programming to fall back on, 2) it was less obnoxious than any other ChickTV programming which, to my primitive male brain, seems to consist of a single show aired seven nights a week under the title Brothers and Grey's Private October Murder Club in Trees, and 3) my head is so congested with my twice-yearly cold that I didn't really give two shits about what was on the teevee.

Anycrap, if your not familiar with the show, they take a professional dancer (WTF?) and pair them with a so-called celebrity and have a dance-off. It's kind of like Michael Jackson's Beat It video, but with lots more latent homosexuality (not that there's anything wrong with that).

So last night, they were down to the final two teams. In one corner, a Russian professional dancer I've never heard of and Melanie Brown, a.k.a. Mel B, a.k.a. Scary Spice.

In the other corner was Indy Car racing champ Helio Castroneves and All-American California girl Julianne Hough.

So with a Russian, a Brazilian and black Brit and a blond-haired, blue-eyed American on the stage, who do you thing the viewing public would vote for.

That's right, the pretty little white girl. Good job USA! Way to vote for the white girl just because she's white! Everybody knows that black people are far superior to white people in dancing. It was clear throughout the night with all of the highlight clips Scary Spice shakin' her money maker.

So here's the American viewing public, keeping it racist since 1789.

tagged: TV, television, Dancing with the Stars, race, Scary Spice, pop culture, Helio Castroneves

My latest Michael Scott moment

So my Supermodel Wife and I were meeting with a lawyer recently, getting "our affairs" in order (revocable trust, living wills, custody plans for our kid, you know all that rot that adults are supposed to do).

Well, it so happened that the lawyer was a woman, not that there's anything wrong with that. She was looking over some of our paperwork, explaining certain legal terms and concepts and she mentioned that we have a "sizable estate."

Well, of course I couldn't let that go by without remarking "That's what she said."

I received both a look of embarrassment from my Supermodel Wife (not a new thing) and a look of abject derision (also not a new thing) from the lady lawyer.

But it was totally worth it.

PS - Before you go kissing my ass to get me to buy drinks and pay for your dinner, you should know that our "sizable estate" is predicated upon both my Supermodel Wife and I being dead. Otherwise, all we have is big mortgage, a car payment and several credit card bills.

tagged: The Office, Michael Scott, lawyer, affairs, That's what she said