Friday, February 15, 2008

Unfinished blogness: The Twilight Zone Meme

Last year, I was tagged by one of Kansas City's most no-no-notorious bloggers in the Twilight Zone Moment meme. The instructions:
Recall and relate a time when you experienced a "paranormal event"
Explain it rationally if you can
Inflict this meme on 5 other people
It took me a while to come up with the right Twilight Zone Moment. There have been so many in my life.

I could write the story about the time I was locked in a bank vault while the rest of the world underwent a nuclear holocaust. Or there was the time I went half-crazy in a military experiment because I thought I was the only person on Earth. Or there was the time when I, as an elderly man, learned the secret of how to become young again by playing kick-the-can and left my old, wrinkled friends to rot in an nursing home.

But then, over the holidays, I had the following experience that I think qualifies.

EDIT: Oh crap! I forgot the most important thing -- the spreading of the virus. So, John B., R. Sherman, Cara (Just Cara), Shane and KC Sponge consider yourselves infected.


Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December, and we were visiting my parents' house for a few days (this all happened before the Christmas Eve Massacre of 2007, but in retrospect I wonder if the two events aren't related by some mysterious cosmic force).

My Supermodel Wife and I were assigned one of the nicer guest rooms in my parents' large country estate home. It's a nice big room with great view of the river that runs at the base of a limestone cliff in the back yard. I always liked that river because it provides a soothing "gurgling brook" sound, a sort of a natural white noise to help you sleep.

The only problem is the bed. It's an old four-poster bed made out of walnut. Legend has it that it's been in the family for over a century. And that might have had something to do with why I was wide awake at 1:45 in the morning.

To say that it is uncomfortable is to undersell the definition of the word "uncomfortable." Medieval torture devices are uncomfortable. Water boarding is uncomfortable. This bed seemed to have an unholy grudge against my lower back.

It started out as a dull ache as I tossed and turned on the bouncy boxspring, trying not to wake up the sleeping beauty beside me. I tried sleeping on my back, on my side, on my other side, but that dull ache grew into an excruciating malevolent presence slithering from my lower back to the base of my skull and back again, each time making me crazier with the pain.

Soon I was delirious. I wasn't in control of my own mind. I began to hear a voice, a whisper at first that grew in to a howling shriek: "KILL THEM... KILL THEM ALL."

I crawled out of the bed in a pathological sweat, my mind on the sharpened ax near the woodpile at the back door. It was clear that there was only one way, one bloody, murderous way to relieve the pain.

But as I made my way to the foot of the stairs, my mind began to clear. Already I was feeling better, the devilish pain in my back now subsided once again to a dull ache. So giving up the quest for the ax (what did I need that for again? I couldn't remember), I made my way to the kitchen for a glass of ice water.

The light from the kitchen cabinets illuminated a stack of old family photos and books on the counter top. Some of the family had been reviewing these old photos and diaries from the family archive that my mother maintains in the old part of the house (originally built of native limestone in 1873 by my great, great grandfather).

I casually browsed through some of the pictures as I sipped the water. The suddenly I did a double take at one that was near the top of the stack. I bent down for a closer look and sure enough, there it was.

A group of settlers posing in their fine cloths, the men with long beards, the women in frumpy dresses, the children in decidedly stiff looking collared shirts and jackets. They were all posed around a bed. A four-poster bed that appeared to be made of walnut.

It was the very bed I had climbed out of only a few minutes before.

I picked up the picture to examine it. On the back was written, in very fine handwriting, the names of my ancestors in the picture along with the notation that they were "seated around Mama and Papa's bed made from walnut taken from the Stump Patch."

The Stump Patch! Of course, everything started to come together in my mind. The Stump Patch is well known in my family as the small section of field about a quarter mile west of the house, up stream along the creek that flows through the back yard.

The original settlers of the property, those who built the house in 1873, had given it the name Stump Patch after harvesting a grove of walnut trees one year, leaving a field of stumps that would later have to be uprooted and removed.

It was only as they removed the stumps the next year that my ancestors discover that it was not a naturally occurring walnut grove, but rather a grove planted intentionally by a large settlement of Arapaho Indians to enshrine the final resting place of many of their tribe who had died in a small pox epidemic in the early 1800s.

I finally began to understand. The murderous rage I had felt as a result of sleeping in the bed, the very bed made from the very walnut trees my ancestors had taken from a hallowed burial ground in an unwitting act of desecration was the Indian spirits' way of righting an ancient injustice.

Just then, my Supermodel Wife walked into the kitchen with a deranged look on her face and a cheese slicer...

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Friday Blogthing: Feeling presidential

I'm pretty sure this grammatically challenged inkernet quiz conclusively proves that I'm just as good a candidate for president as any of the four remaining front runners.


Yes 65%
No 30%


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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Turn of phrase

Let's face it, there's a lot of good blogging going on out there. Humbles me to read it.

Some of you people have a way with words that goes beyond poetry.

As a token of my admiration for your mad bloggin' skeelz, I've decided to start keeping a list of phrases gleaned from blogs that I plan on using in casual conversation sometime before I die.

Here's the first installment, complete with links to the original context of the phrase. I dare you to try not clicking on these links.

Also, let me know in the comments if you have any nominations for the list.

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Happy VD 2008!!

I know I don't say it enough, and I know it may sound corny and "ghey" (as some bloggers put it).

But I just wanted to take a moment on this day of all days to just try to express how much each and every one of you mean to me.

I love you guys. SRSLY. Even you, XO, you old coot!

I don't think I could say it any better than the Happy Tree Friends:



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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Veni, Vidi Tony

When I first started blogging a few years ago, I enjoyed checking out Tony's Kansas City for an edgy and entertaining perspective on what's happening in KC.

At the time, blogging was still a relatively new medium. The "mainstream media" hadn't really caught on, and there was a feeling that we were all doing something under the radar.

As time passed, Tony became more popular and he honed his skill at combining the fine art of the female figure with razor sharp commentary on local cultural and political issues. But as he became more and more popular, so the mainstream media began to take notice.

To his credit, Tony was able to leverage the attention of the mainstream media into his own paying gig. It started with a regular spot on a local radio program and reached its highest point last weekend with his first (though certainly not last) appearance on a local television news station.

I'm happy to see this local blogger make the jump to mainstream media. Certainly all the work he puts into writing and editing his online journal will begin to pay off in the form a large advertising contracts.

And, I'm glad to see the local news stations finally coming around to reporting the real news in this town (i.e., what the highly influential blogging community is saying as opposed to the state of the local economy/schools/Westport skanks, etc.).

But most of all, I was glad when I watched the report on the local TV station's website, to see that Tony took the opportunity to dispel the negative Latino stereotypes that so often and unfairly get propagated on the inkernets.
Nicely done Tony. Keep up the good work.

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YouTube Tuesday: Slice of life

It's Morbid Curiosity Day at 3AM, and what better way to celebrate than to review the devastating injury to to Florida Panthers' Richard Zednik.

Zednick was injured on Sunday when a teammate's iceskate sliced through his carotid artery. The money shot happens at about the 26-second mark where you see skate meet jugular in super slow motion.



Amazingly, doctors were able to repair the artery after only an hour or surgery, but this is yet another example of why I like golf.

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Working with pigs

I can only conclude that the men who work on my floor are pigs.

Or at least one of them is. He's probably from some hicktight suburb on the Missouri side. You know, one of those guys who has those cartoons on his pickem' up truck of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo, or a Ford logo, or Hillary Clinton or whatever.

You know, the kind of guy who, at 35 years old still thinks its cool to stick a pinch of chaw between your cheek and gum.

It just floors me that here I am working in a professional environment with ostensibly educated people but there are still some of those evolutionarily challenged proto-apes who have managed to squeal, wiggle and squeeze their way up through the cracks in the HR screening processes.

What led me to this realization? Well as with most great epiphanies, it happened in the bathroom. I stepped up to the stall to "pay the water bill," and as I looked down to "point Percy at the porcelain" I saw that someone had tried to spit a huge loogie into the urinal.

Unfortunately he missed, and the sick stack of sputum stuck to the top of the urinal. Cringing, I immediately looked up to assume the eyes forward position so I wouldn't have to see the funky wad of phlegm.

That's when I saw, staring back at me, several petrified snot rockets that some uncouth cretin decided the rest of us evolved human beings just had to see. Evidently this guy had nothing better to do than "mine for gold" and "pick a winner" while he was "shaking hands with the vicar." Makes me retch.

I think the I-70 rest stop outside of Topeka is a more pleasant experience.

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Friday Blogthing: Dominating the dojo

I'd be like Kramer at his karate class (what? Did I just throw in a pop culture reference from 1997? Hells yeah I did!).

15
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Thursday, February 07, 2008

Lost Tales of 3AM, Part I: The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

I've never been one to give too much credence to dreams.

I never really thought there was any kind of deep message in them, never assumed that there was some kind of meaning that we were supposed to find to improve our lives. Whenever I see attempts at "interpreting" dreams, I usually just roll my eyes at the pseudo-psycho mumbo jumbo.

To me, dreams are just your brain's way of dealing with a daily buildup of semi-toxic chemicals and flushing out unused and unneeded stimulus while you were asleep -- sort of a biological Norton's Disk Tools for your noggin.

Then I had the strangest experience a few nights ago.

I had a dream where I was on a business trip with a colleague (can't remember who, but if you're reading this, it wasn't you). We were in some small town in the South. It seems like it was in Virginia or North Carolina or something (probably Greenville or Charlottsville or some other 'ville).

Anyway, so we were at the airport of this small town and we saw on our flight itinerary that we were to change flights in Chicago on our way back to KC. The first leg of the journey from Nowheresville to Chicago went off with no problems. Then when we went to board the flight from Chicago to KC, I realized that somewhere in the air I had lost my wallet.

I had no money, no credit cards and worst of all, no picture ID. Even though I had a ticket, the airline wouldn't let me board the flight home without a picture ID. I was stranded in a Chicago airport with no money and no way to prove who I was.

Then a lot of other strange shit happened that didn't make any sense at all (what's the deal with all those naked women throwing pickles at me? Hmmm.)

But the weird part was when I woke up the next morning, I got ready for work and realized that I didn't have my ID badge/key card for my job. As I searched frantically I realized that I had left it on my desk the previous day.

So I guess it's possible that my subconscious was trying to tell me that I had left my key card at work. If that's the case then thanks for nothing, Subconscious. What the hell am I supposed to do about it in the middle of the night?

Note to Subconscious: Next time remind me about my key card BEFORE I leave the office.

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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Electile

Congratulations to all of you who attended state caucuses (cauci?) or primaries thinking your participation made a difference.


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