Do bloggers dream of electric sheep?

Man, I've been having some weirdo dreams lately.

Not useful weirdo dreams (the ones that predict I'm going to lose something and I should just check myself before I wreck myself), but just plain crazy "Fear and Loathing in Overland Park"-type psychedelic mind trips.

Take this one from the other night:

I have this dream where I'm in Paris (the city, not the celebutard). That’s been kind of a recurring theme lately, Paris. It must be time for another trip to Europe. But I digress.

Anyway, I'm in Paris, but the weird part is I'm not me. I'm actually Roger Daltrey. Yeah, the lead singer for The Who.


So here I am, Roger Daltrey, and I'm on my way to a dive bar in a dusty corner of Paris to have drinks with -- get this -- Robert Plant.

That's right, Robert Plant, lead singer of Led Zeppelin.


See what I mean? Crazy!

And to get to this Parisian dive bar, I have to ride a bicycle -- one of those expensive Tour De France-style racing bicycles. Well I show up at this dive bar and greet Robert Plant like we're old friends. He's got an entourage of about six people.

I, Roger Daltrey, show up alone. WTF is that all about? Alone?! I'm Roger Freakin' Daltry for cryin' out loud!

Anycrap, we sit at this long low table and start having lots of drinks and stuff, you know, living the rock star lifestyle. Everything gets kicked up a notch when we discover that our waitress/sous chef in the kitchen (yeah, I know, a sous chef in a dive bar? But we are in France so this probably makes the most sense of anything in this dream) is wearing nothing but a tight T-shirt and a thong under her greasy dirty apron.

That's where that story line ends.

Basically all that happens is we party a lot and then decide to call it a night. Robert Plant makes some crack about it only being 3:30 in the morning and how, when he was a young rock star, he would stay out until dawn.

Then I, Roger Daltrey, go get on my racing bicycle to head back to my hotel. I get a few yards and then realize that my bike has a flat tire and I have to walk it the rest of the way back.

And that's where it ends. Makes no sense right?

No more turkey pot pie before bedtime for me!

tagged: dream, Europe, Paris, France, Hilton, Robert Plant, Roger Daltrey, Led Zeppelin, The Who, sous chef, thong

That's all I've got to say about that

I'm a little bit bitter better today -- a state of mind I owe, no doubt, to the therapeutic affects of time and a Benadryl overdose (the original stuff, not that non-drowsy crap).

Today the KU fanboys (and girls) around the office are still obnoxious with their second straight day of Blue and Red, but they seem to have picked up on my non-verbal cues that I'm not one of them (chief among such cues: the purple shirt (the color of kings) that I'm wearing today).

I know I've been a whiny bitch about the whole KU thing. But in my defense, I just think someone should try to provide some kind of equal-time balance to the gigantic, collective Hawkgasm that has spewed its sticky self all over this city.

Still, I know a lot of the Cheathawk fans don't have much of a sense of humor in this regard, so I'm making this my last post on this particular issue (unless and until Coach Bill Self takes the money and runs to Okie State).

That being the case, I just need to get a couple of things off my chest.

First, I want to offer a bit of a mea culpa to KU's basketball team. I want to congratulate you for your accomplishment. You succeeded in using illegal recruiting practices* to build a team that could coast through the easiest bracket in the tournament and then accept the championship presented to you on a silver platter by an inept Memphis team that refused to foul when it needed and refused to make critical free throws.

So congratulations again on that.

Secondly, I know that this is a huge deal to KU fans, but just remember how annoying we all think the Oklahoma "longest-winning-streak-in-college-football-history" Sooners fans are.

With that in mind, if you must talk or interact with me, let's see if we can find a topic other than KU. I've come up with a starter list:

Things I would rather do than hearing about KU's win:

• Suffer through the New Kids on the Block reunion concert
• Go skinny dippin' in Brush Creek
• Open-mouth-kiss Larry Moore
• Experience a continuous 12-hour rickroll
• Shave my nipples off with a cheese grater

*NCAA Division I Committee on Infractions, Oct. 12, 2006: "Major violations occurred in the men's basketball program from 2002 through 2005. During that time frame, a representative of the institution's athletics interests supplied cash, transportation, clothing and other benefits to two men's basketball student-athletes. The athletics representative befriended one of the young men while he was still a prospect, buying him clothing and meals and transporting him to a number of the institution's men's basketball contests. ..."
tagged: KU, cheater, basketball, Final Four, NCAA, Tournament, sports, Jayhawks, New Kids On The Block

YouTube Tuesday: Great Game!

The next time I hear "Wasn't that a great game!" I might react as if a dood in a mask had just jumped out of a trash can.

tagged: Halloween, mask, punch, game

And so it begins

The first words spoken to me by a so-called adult to whom I'm not married:

"Hey man! Did you see that game last night? It was Awesome!!"

It's going to be a loooong day.

tagged: KU, cheater, basketball, Final Four, NCAA, Tournament, sports, Jayhawks

Bracket update II

tagged: sports, basketball, NCAA Tournament, bracket, KU, K-State, Kansas

Could you just do me this one little favor? Is that too much to ask?

Sunday morning was as bad as I thought it would be.

Saturday, I could hang out at home, bunkered up against all of the crap I knew was flying round outside of my house. I could avoid the offensive TV programming by watching something off the DVR (Resevoir Dogs if you must know). But in the back of my mind, I knew I was only delaying the force majeure that was approaching with all the inevitability of the 15-second shot clock.

I expected it. I knew every bandwagon jumper and his dog would be talking about "KU's Big Win." The so-called TV journalists of course, the idiot teenagers at Planet Sub, the knuckle dragging battery-chuckers at the car wash -- hell, even the Pastor at church found a way to work it into his sermon.

Yeah, I knew it was coming. But knowing it was coming didn't make it any better.

Then I get to work this morning and I hear this gem from one of the blue and crimson sheep:

"That was the best half of basketball I have ever seen any team play in my ENTIRE LIFE!!!"

--KU bandwagon jumper

Now I admit that part of what I'm experiencing can be chalked up to a version of what Katra cleverly calls "Freudenschade ("Finding misfortune in the joys of others."). But enough is enough already!

Here's a news flash, KU Fan: Not everyone is a KU fan.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, kudos to KU for busting my bracket and all. But there's only so much credit I can give to a hated team from an athletic department built on cheating that backed into the Final Four by beating no team higher than an 8 seed.

So here's my proposal. I'll try to bottle up my vehemence for the next few days if you can make some effort at containing the inevitable douchebaggy obnoxiousness that I just know is going to show up.

And Xenu help us if KU actually beats Memphis tonight.

tagged: KU, cheater, basketball, Final Four, NCAA, Tournament, sports, Jayhawks

Friday Feast: All vegetarian edition

Strictly vegetarian fare today. Might I suggest a tall glass of wheatgrass juice?

Appetizer
Invent a new flower; give it a name and describe it.
Okay, it's a cross between wormwood and cockscomb.

It's called cockwood. It has large, fleshy petals that swell in warmer weather. But it tends to shrink and shrivel when it gets wet during rain storms.

Soup
Name someone whom you think has a wonderful voice.
Sarah Vaughan.



Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how clean do you keep your car?
Honestly, I'd say 7.326849.

Main Course
How do you feel about poetry?

They said to him "Speak to us of Love."

He looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his feathers may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams.

-- Kahlil Gibran

Dessert
What was the last person/place/thing you took a picture of?
My left foot.


Check out these vegetarian entrées as well: Logtar, Bea, Faith

tagged: meme, Friday Feast, Sarah Vaughan , cockscomb , wormwood

Friday Blogthing: Expletive not deleted

I guess it could be worse. I prefer to think of it as "using colorful metaphors" rather than cussing. And I blame a majority of the "colorful metaphors" on the commenters (not you, though. You're the exception).



tagged: Friday, cuss, language, expletive, blog, meme

(No hippie)

I'm really looking forward to Saturday morning. It will be my chance to jettison some personal detritus that has been taking up space in my basement and weighing on my mind.

About a year ago, our Aiwa home theater tuner burned out. A few months earlier out ink jet printer shot craps. Both items have survived a garage sale or two (evidently nobody wants to buy broken junk) and the dumpster.

You see, even though I'm not a damn dirty hippie I just can't bring myself to toss those old useless electronics into the trash. I mean, I dropped a nice wad of bills for those things, and I have to believe there's still some value left in them.

So for the last few months they've been sitting in a corner of my basement, taking up valuable space that could be better used in my basement pot-growing enterprise.

But Saturday, that will change.

The city of Overland Park is having an electronics recycling event at Shawnee Mission North High School (7401 Johnson Drive). You can bring old computers, keyboards, mice, VCRs (what the hell are those?), stereo equipment, scanners, printers and electronic vibrating anal plugs (Chimpo), and they'll take them off your hands free of charge.

According to the press release, OP collected 62,000 pounds (that's 3 Jason Whitlocks!) worth of recyclable crap at last year's event.

Here's a little more info

Electronic devices can contain significant amounts of hazardous or toxic substances.

Cathode ray tubes found in most computer monitors and TVs contain significant amounts of lead while other equipment may contain mercury, cadmium, chromium and other heavy metals. When electronic devices are disposed of, these pollutants may pose environmental risks.

So if you're trying to be more ecological by living like a caveman for an hour, or keeping your ill-gotten cash (you capitalist pigdog scum!) in a plastic billfold, or even rooting through your own filth for recyclables everyday, why not add electronics recycling to your hippie lifestyle?


tagged: recycle, electronics, hippie, Jason Whitlock, ecology, Overland Park, environmentalist

FWD: She always has good advice

I was having an email exchange with my Supermodel Wife earlier today about the possibility of attending a Royals game in the next few weeks (while they're still leading the division).

Here's how it started:

From: Supermodel Wife
To: emawkc

How much were the tickets? It might be really cold on that day if the recent weather is any indication, trendwise.

BTW, what are your lunch plans today?

I replied:

From: emawkc
To:Supermode Wife

Tickets = $30 each (includes food)

Weather = Forecast sunshine with a high of 66

Lunch = I have a meeting so I’ll be dining at my cube.

Her response to my reply:

Please don't project manage your wife.

Great advice.

tagged: email, family, manage, humor, baseball, Royals