Yeah, yeah. I get it. Michael Jackson had a tragic life and his death was a tragedy because our culture lost a musical genius (although, I'm pretty sure Quincy Jones was the musical genius behind Jackson's best work, but anyway).
But to paraphrase Hamlet (who, for you culturally illiterate, was the author of Shakespeare, the box office hit), I come not to praise Michael Jackson, but to bury him.
Well, check that. Not to bury him, because I have a theory that I'm about to lay on you. I'm pretty sure old MJ is pulling an Elvis on us.
That's right. Despite wall-to-wall coverage to the contrary, Michael Jackson is not dead.
I'm makin' the call right now, June 27, 2009. Michael Jackson has faked his own death in an attempt to make his life easier.
What's that you say? Evidence? Well, the circumstantial evidence couldn't be more compelling.
For one thing, it's widely known that Mr. Jacko was in debt up to his synthetic plastic nose. The Wall Street Journal has reported that Mikey had
roughly $400 million in debts.
He'd lost
The Ranch after defaulting on a
$24 million loan backed by the property. So hiding some assets and faking your death would be a nifty way of starting over.
There's also an indication that Jackon wanted to get out of his 50-concert commitment in the UK. According to a former worker, he signed the deal while
under the influence of painkillers. He thought he was signing for only 10 concerts.
And, much like Michael Jackson's face, there are other indications that something just ain't right. For example, there was the report of moving vans removing items from the mansion Jackson had been renting in LA. A few last minute items needed as he starts his new life perhaps? Hmmm? Just maybe???
Also, have you noticed that the majority of top downloads on iTunes now are all Michael Jackson songs and albums? Ditto for
Amazon's Top Sellers in the music category. This kind of cash infusion is going to come in handy in setting up a new life.
All of the signs are out there people. Even to the most casual of observers like myself.
Ask yourself why nobody has seen Jackson's body yet.
All of the reports I've seen suggest the "body" that has been presented is especially fake looking, like it's made out of plastic or wax or something.
Nope. It's already pretty obvious to me that Jackson has faked his own death to get out of dept, avoid some commitments and just basically start over. He'll probably end up moving to Cleveland and taking up residence as a local donut shop proprietor or something.
We'll soon start reading reports of "Jacko" sightings all around the country.
tagged: Michael Jackson, death, Elvis, Wall Street Journal, debt, Neverland Ranch, fake
I mean, the evidence is everywhere. Just look at the domestic spying bill Obama and his Democrats (and Republicans) have continually supported. It hearkens back to the "Spying on our own people is totally cool" clause of the U.S. Constitution written way back in 1787.
Then, of course, there's the babillion dollars we've spent bailing out businesses that, by all rights, should have been buried years ago. This is consistent with Thomas Jefferson's line in the Declaration of Independence where he writes "When in the course of screwing the country out of billions of dollars it becomes necessary to give those parties trillions more dollars for even more screwing activities..."
Also, I know all of the Founding Fathers were big supporters of huge taxes. They all believed that U.S. citizens should pay at least 55% of their annual incomes to the government, which they in turn believed should be the largest employer in the country. This was demonstrated by the Boston Tea Party, where patriots dumped boxes full of Tetley into Boston Harbor because they thought taxes were waaaaaaay too low.
Finally, the Founding Fathers were all about Americans sacrificing liberty for the illusion of security. I think it was Ben Franklin who wrote "If we restrict freedom to attain security, we will totally be able to raise taxes have huge inaugural balls and people will still kiss our asses."
I'm as big of an Armstrong fan as you'll find. I've followed his career since everyone thought he was the second-coming of Greg LeMond (turns out he made us forget who Greg LeMond was). I have mad respect for his achievements, overcoming cancer to become unquestionably the best cyclist in Tour de France history.
So some geniuses at a sex conference in Amsterdam (yeah, big surprise) have announced that having sex every day can increase a couple's odds of conceiving a child. The study was led by Australia's King of the Obvious David Greening of IVF Sydney (IVF stands for "I value fucking").
And here's a pic of someone who, in my opinion, could have been separated from Russell.
So whadyathink Internet? Am I right or am I right.
The Simpsons are now commanding higher advertising rates on websites like Hulu.com and TV.com than they are on prime time television.
Well, check that. Not to bury him, because I have a theory that I'm about to lay on you. I'm pretty sure old MJ is pulling an Elvis on us.
He'd lost The Ranch after defaulting on a $24 million loan backed by the property. So hiding some assets and faking your death would be a nifty way of starting over.
And, much like Michael Jackson's face, there are other indications that something just ain't right. For example, there was the report of moving vans removing items from the mansion Jackson had been renting in LA. A few last minute items needed as he starts his new life perhaps? Hmmm? Just maybe???
All of the reports I've seen suggest the "body" that has been presented is especially fake looking, like it's made out of plastic or wax or something..jpg)
Aside from that, let's face it, he was only famous for being a pedophile cosmetic surgery train wreck adored by -- if anyone -- a legion of 12-year-old girls and overly effeminate medical interns.
'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions... Oh! And Hugh Jackman.
Look people it should go without saying especially in this day and age -- you need to do everything in your power to stay off of these special government lists.
