Tuesday, April 29, 2008

FWD: Application for Employment

A nephew of mine forwarded this one to me a couple of weeks ago. He's no dummy. With the economy the way it is, he's willing to take any job that can get him a little spending cash during the summer.

Still, I wonder if he's being a tad too honest. I hope the hiring manager has a sense of humor.
McDONALDS APPLICATION

NAME: [Redacted]

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes – Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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4 comments:

  1. He's an Aries. That explains it.

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  2. The applicant must have been successful, at least at my local Steak N Shake, because yesterday at the drive through, he handed me a sack which contained, as I discovered twenty minutes later, a bun with ketchup, pickles and onions, but no f***ing burger.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kid is way to smart to get a job in fast food. Funny stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  4. If you are serious and this applicant is, indeed, related to you can he wait a few years and then move to Cali to live with a sugar mama?

    Just wonderin'...

    ReplyDelete

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