Wall Art

It was a little too quiet on the screened-in porch.

Since today was such a nice day, we had the door open to the screen-in porch on the south side of our house. While my Supermodel Wife and I finished cleaning up after diner, our three-year-old daughter had wandered out onto the porch with our Jack Russell Terrier. Just to hang out I suppose. There's nothing they can really do except watch the neighborhood.

But that was at least 10 minutes ago, and it's just been too quiet for too long. That can only mean mischief is afoot.

So my Supermodel Wife goes out to see what's what. As she looked around the door, she saw our daughter crouched intently just beside the doorway. My Supermodel Wife's reaction was quiet but powerful.

the words "You are in so much trouble," said in a quiet and urgent tone, proved to be more effective than screaming and shouting ever were. Our daughter, without being told, took herself to her room and closed her door for the impending time-out.

I go over to investigate. And this is what I found, drawn on the side of the house:

It's one of the most difficult jobs of parenting. Having to keep a straight face and take disciplinary measures in the face of something so cute. I mean, how can I get mad at such fine art. It's like trying to yell at the Mona Lisa.

And I don't want to send a message that might squelch her creativity and stunt what could be a budding art career. After all, I can see how the white aluminum siding would be an irresistible canvass to someone with so much talent.

But, we had to be strong. Our three-year-old has lost her crayon privileges temporarily.

At least she still has play dough. So perhaps we'll just channel that creativity into sculpture. Look for a Pieta to be carved out of our granite counter top in the next few months.

tagged: art, family, parenting, Mona Lisa, daughter

Look for the silver lining

It's been quite a busy day and I didn't have time to post this morning, but I did want to put up a quick response to this post by Rusty, who complains about "bedroom loud" neighbors.

Rusty, I think you're looking at this as a problem and not an opportunity.

Opportunity #1: You can't knock on the door and ask them to fuck quieter, but you could knock on the door (when the neighbor is alone) and ask her if she "needs any help." Could end up in a nice convenient score for you. Just sayin'.

Opportunity #2: Call me crazy, but I see a podcast happening here: "Rusty's Neighbors Get Laid." You know there are lots of degenerates out there like me who would really dig something like that. Again, just sayin'.

tagged: Rusty, sex, loud, apartment, opportunity

Troost story

This morning I went to work with an inch-long gash in my face.

It extends from just below the corner of my right eye, up and to the left across the bridge of my nose, and ends between my eyes. It was put there yesterday by the ring of the jerk off who punched me as he tried to take my wallet while I gassed up my car in east Kansas City.

I like to think I gave as good as I got. After delivering some well-timed Tony Soprano-style punches, I held the guy with the help of some bystanders until the cops showed up. And I kept my wallet.

That's what I'm telling people. Of course the entire story is a complete fabrication, except the part about the inch-long gash. That really happened.

It's just that the true story is too embarrassing to use in everyday conversation. Nevertheless, I'll relate it here, since that's what blogs are for.

A few months ago I installed one of those fold down attic ladders in our garage to make it easier to access the storage in the attic.

The layout of our house is such that you must go through the garage to get to the basement. So after finishing dinner last night I head down to the basement to get some tools to fix a problem we were having with a door handle (different story).

Anyway, unbeknownst to me (but beknownst to the studio audience), my Supermodel Wife had lowered the aforementioned attic ladder. Not all the way though. She hadn't actually unfolded the lower part of the ladder; she had just pulled the hinged part down. So there was a nice sharp edge of plywood at right about my eye level.

All this happened at about 7 p.m., as the setting sun was shining through the west window of our garage, its glare obscuring the view.

The last thing I remember thinking before I walked Jack Tripper-like into the pulled down ladder was "Why is this pull-string hanging down so low?" SLAM!!!

Of course I was hellapissed at the time. I spouted few choice invectives and blamed my Supermodel Wife for lowering the ladder to decapitation level.

The truth is I was mostly mad at myself for being so stupid and clumsy. And honestly, I still am, which is why I need to come up with a better story, like the mugging described above.

I'm also toying with the idea that the injury is the result of an amateur boxing match (I could be a contender).

tagged: nose, gash, cut, accident, lie, story, mugging

YouTube Tuesday: Whazzuup!

The "Whazzuup!" Budweiser commercial was huge a few years ago, and it spawned a slew of "consumer generated" remakes even before the days of YouTube and omnipresent broadband connections.

I remember one of my favorite versions had Batman, Superman and some of the other superfriends greeting each other over their Superfriends Communicators.

So this week's installment of YouTube Tuesday keeps with the nostalgia theme with this version of the "Whazzup!" commercial. It's hellacute, and it gets extra style points for exploiting children.

True. True.



tagged: YouTube, Tuesday, Bud, Budweiser, pop culture, children

Photochopping Phelps

Generally whenever someone starts talking/writing about Fred Phelps, my first response is to not listen and not participate.

The anti-human Phelps, who graciously attended my college graduation ceremony, seeks only attention. So, by not granting him any mental resources at all, I figure I'm denying him what he most desires. Literally, I think if we ignore him long enough, he'll just go away.

Having said that, I couldn't resist the challenge issued by JD to do a Photoshop mashup of Phelps at a recent rally. So, here are my entries.

My first thought was to chose something obvious...


Then, I got to thinking about what Phelps thinks about current pop culture...


And of course, this is a great place for the classic "Protesting with Stupid" treatment...


There you go JD. I hope my Photoshop kung-fu is worthy.

tagged: Fred Phelps, photoshop, Brokeback Mountain, pop culture

Return of the KGB

It's been a while since we've heard from "them," and you can call me unpatriotic, but I think it's time to bring back the KGB.

This not-so-secret organization has been on hiatus several weeks now. I'm referring of course to the Kansas Guild of Bloggers. The idea (and the clever name) comes from Lyn Perry at Bloging Out Loud.

For some inexplicable (or maybe just unexplained) reason, Lyn has taken a break from organizing the regular KGB Blog Carnival. So, that’s where the rest of us (from Kansas) come in. Let’s keep the weekly roundup of Kansas blog posts going. I’m volunteering to host this week.

Here’s how it works: You submit a blog post to be included in a digest of Kansas-related posts that I'll put up next Monday (April 17). You can send me a link via email of comment to this blog post, but the best way is to submit the post to the Blog Carnival that Lyn set up.

There's even one of those groovy blog-style icons:

So your first assignment as a KGB operative is to submit a blog link to the carnival by 16:00 Kansas Time (that's 4 p.m.) on Sunday, April 15. That's Easter Sunday, so don't wait until the last minute, ya damn slackers!

Your second assignment is to forward a link to this post to any bloggers that you know of in Kansas. Also if you know of any expatriot KGB operatives (bloggers from Kansas who currently live in a foreign country like Italy, Spain, or Texas), make sure they know about this effort as well. We're depending on you to make this thing work.

Your third assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to join the KGB frappr map. You can see it all the way down at the right-hand column of this blog. Keep going, all the way at the bottom. See it? Good. Just click it and follow the instructions to add yourself. This is optional, but it's fun, so just do it.

Okay, you have your orders. Just think of all the traffic you'll get by participating. Don't make me beg. Honestly, that's something you really don't want to see.

tagged: Kansas, blog, blogger, carnival, KGB

Been there

I came across this cute little Google Maps hack the other day that shows the states I've visited. So now that you know where I've been, you can see where I have yet to travel. If you live in one of the gray states, drop me a line and I'll stop by soon (you don't mind me crashing on your couch do you?)


Click here create your own visited states map. There's also one for showing the countries you have visited.

tagged: United States, map, travel

Wrapping it up with Amelie

Well, another Thursday has come and gone, which makes today Friday, which means it's time to play the Amelie Game. I hope you've been keeping track of you're weekly likes and dislikes, because I have.

Here they are:
Dislikes:

• Missouri license plate #175 WGP
• Springing forward (and losing an hour of sleep)
• Throwing good money after bad (for the sake of spoiled millionaires and billionaires).

Likes:

• Free double espresso at Starbucks just for sweet-talking the pretty barrista
• 01:02:03 04/05/06.
• These things (thanks to Joe at Kansas City soil)

Okay, now it's your turn. Leave your likes and dislikes for the week in the comments. And remember, not leaving a comment makes Baby Jesus cry*.

tagged: Amelie, Friday, Starbucks, espresso, Kansas City, littering, barrista

*I'm referring of course to Jesus Hernandez, the two-month-old son of the couple who moved into the house down the street recently. Welcome to the neighborhood, Hernandezes

Holy CrApple!

Apple computers announced today that they will distribute software that will allow you to install Windows on new Macintosh computers.

As a long-time Macintosh and MacOS fan, I'm blown away by this announcement. It just seems so superfluous. I mean, the whole point of buying a Mac is so that you don't have to use that gawd-awful Windoze OS.

Installing Windoze on a Mac is like putting rancid mayonnaise on a perfectly cooked fillet mignon, or spending $80 on a bottle of Brunello, then mixing it with 7-Up. Would you buy a Ferrari then paint a Confederate flag on the roof, install a horn that plays Dixie and call it the General Lee?

I'm trying to think of other things that might be comparable. Being invited to Osama Bin Ladden's nephew's bar mitzva, maybe?

It just doesn't seem right, somehow.

Surely these are the end times.

tagged: Apple, Macintosh, Mac OS, Boot Camp, Microsoft, Windows, Ferrari, Brunello, Osama Bin Laden

Sponsored by the Costanza for Congress campaign

tagged: George Costanza, Seinfeld, humor, life