Cock blocked

Sheeesh! It's getting to the point these days where you can't even enjoy a little recreational time with your cock.

Try and toss your chicken at a basketball game, and the PITA and animal lovers hate on you like you just drank the last beer at an Irish pride parade.

Now, the killjoys at the Johnson County Sheriff's Department are coming down hard on those who enjoy certain cock-centric sporting events.

A suspected cockfighting operation was raided Wednesday after a two-year investigation in rural Johnson County, the sheriff's department announced.

Deputies served a search warrant on a home in the 38700 block of West 151st Street. Authorities said they confiscated more than 170 fighting roosters and a large sum of cash.

Nevermind that the owners of fighting cocks take a great deal of pride in raising their cocks -- even going so far as to
suck the mucus out of them with their own mouths.

That, my friends, is dedication.

I tell ya, it just doesn't pay to be a bird fan these days.

tagged: cock, fighting, Johnson County, chicken, Sheriff, PITA

George Carlin R.I.P.

Like a lot of bloggers today, I'm bummed about the death of George Carlin at the age of 71.

So, like a lot of bloggers, I'm posting one of my favorite riffs of his, in memoriam.



tagged: death, George Carlin, football, baseball, YouTube, video, memorial

Guest Post: How to Turn Beef into Gold

Today's post comes from probably the wisest person in the world, my dad.

This is but the latest bit of knowledge I have received from him, which learning goes back to when I was 8 years old helping Dad with some plumbing and he enlightened me with the wisdom that "Shit don't flow uphill." Oh how I've observed this principal in action many times since.

Anyway, this latest lesson came when I requested his recipe for cooking a couple of beef briskets I've had in my freezer for a while. You see, among Dad's many talents are his skills as a chef. He's a true da Vinci of da grill, the Botticelli of Boston Butts, a veritable Frank Lloyd Wright of ribs.

The man's an artist is what I'm tryin' to say.

So here, I share this priceless advice with you.

OK emawkc — here goes. Not all original, but I claim it as mine!!

You see my son, the medieval alchemist, who sought to turn base metals into gold, should have tried barbecuing a brisket on your Good-One Smoker. The transformation of the meat is on the same magnitude of magic but much more successful.

GRANDPA EMAW’S ONE-DERFUL RUB

1 cup paprika
¼ cup ground black pepper
¾ cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons garlic powder
2 tablespoons onion powder
2 teaspoons cayenne

Mix well. This should be enough for an 8 to 12 pound packer-trimmed beef brisket or two 6 pound brisket flats—might as well smoke both while you’ve got it hot.

The night before you plan to BBQ, combine the rub ingredients, and apply evenly to briskets, massaging it into every little pore. (Save a couple tablespoons of the rub). Place brisket in a plastic bag and refrigerate overnight.

Before you begin to BBQ, remove the brisket from the refrigerator, let sit at room temp. for 45 minutes.

Water the smoker, start the charcoal, bring temp to 220 to 240 degrees Fahrenheit.

Into a sauce pan poor a glass of wine (reserve remainder of bottle for use during CYO), ½ cup cider vinegar, ½ cup water, ¼ cup corn oil, ½ cup finely minced onion, a couple minced garlic cloves, and some Worcestershire sauce and at least a table spoon of GPA’S ODF Rub.

Warm up this mop on top of smoker after the meat in cooking—don’t boil.

Put the brisket on the rack toward the rear of the smoker with the fat sides up. Now would be a good time to notice which direction the grain of the meat is going. It will need to cook about 1½ hours per pound of the larger brisket.

After it’s been on for a couple hours start to baste the blackening hunk with the stuff from the saucepan—about once an hour or so.

Be sure to drink some of the reserved wine every time you put basting on the hunk—after all, you have to Control Your Outlook on the whole process.

After meat is cooked, how ever long it takes, let cool at room temp for 20 minutes, then slice very thinly against the grain, and serve.

So now grasshopper, you have the secret.

But remember these words of wisdom: BBQ is only incidentally cooking, and one should avoid, as much as possible, confusing the two. BBQ is play—serious, mind-concentrating, important- risk- running, even exhausting--anything in fact, except a chore.

tagged: barbecue, brisket, Boston Butt, da Vinci, Frank Lloyd Wright, Botticelli, cooking

Friday Blogthing: Please pass the fava beans and Chianti

Please don't take this personally. Survival is survival you know.

And hey, at 54% your chances of being eaten by me are almost the same as your chances of NOT being eaten by me(although I think there are certain among you who would be more tasty than others).

54%

tagged: Friday, blogthing, eat, hungry,, survival, cannibal, quiz, blog, meme

HEADLINES: Phoenix probes Mars ice hole

The NASA brain trust has reported the much anticipated discovery of solid H20 (that's water ice for those of you in Missouri) on Mars.

"It must be ice," said the Phoenix Lander's lead investigator, Peter Smith. "These little clumps completely disappearing over the course of a few days, that is perfect evidence that it's ice."

According to the WIRED report (see above link), the discovery of solid H20 was a primary goal of the Phoenix mission.

Ecstatic mission directors now turn their attention to the secondary mission goal -- the search for Klingons hanging out near the ice hole.

(Hey guys, the best jokes never get old.)

tagged: Mars, ice, water, Phoenix, probe, Klingons, science

Star Trek-themed weddings are totally gay

I’m reading a lot of commentary around the blogiverse about the recent flood … of California gay marriages.

There has been a lot of "We're queer, we're married, get used to it!"

Plenty of "Married at last, married at last, thank God in Heaven we're married at last."

And even some "Gay people getting married and Jimmy cracking corn are two thing I don’t care about."

But my favorite take has been from my good friend from high school, PDSH.

I guess in a way I'm still bitter. Why shouldn't we just be able to pay for the certificate and have the state recognize something that already occurred? Why do we have to have another ceremony? The Clerk's service was nice, but I'm pretty sure I don't need someone to tell me how marriage is not to be entered into lightly.

I think this is close to the way I've approached the issue all along.

The way I see it -- and this is especially true in my case -- if you can find someone who can stand to be around you for the rest of your life you should hang on to them like grim death.

Getting married is nice, but it's mostly just ceremonial. It's more for the family of the two people involved, rather than for the two people involved. I know there are issues of health care, taxes, inheritance, etc. But these seem to be more civil issues than marital ones.

That makes it sound like I favor civil unions over actual gay marriage. That's not the case at all. I don't begrudge anyone the right to an according-to-Hoyle marriage with all the rights, privileges and nagging that entails.

Not being a gay guy (or gal for that matter), I'm not sure how much my perspective even counts here. But I've always thought it seemed a little insulting to gay people for us straighties to tell them it's okay for them to get married.

As if they need our permission to commit to each other.

Doesn't it seem a little condescending for straight people to "allow" gay people to get married? And why, if you were a gay person, would you even want acknowledgment from the "straight community" on your personal choices.

The answer is that even if it does feel a little condescending, it's good to have this milestone of equality finally passed. With the flamboyant genie finally out of the closet bottle, society can move toward jumping the next hurdle.

Plus, as a bonus, gay marriage really pisses off the leader of a certain fake-religious sect in the Topeka area that I no longer mention by name. Which is good.

Anyway, congratulations to all the newly hitched homos out there. May your wedding nights be FABULOUS.

tagged: California, gay, marriage, rights, society, wedding

YouTube Tuesday: Bicky Knee Zone

Well, it sounds like I may not be going on an island vacation this year. That's okay. I hear Branson is lovely in the summer.

But for those of you who are going to the beach, be sure to take this great ancient Japanese wisdom with you:



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, bikini, bikini, hair, advertisement, Japanese

Money Trouble

As if we needed it, today’s headline was further proof of the total disregard these Activist Judges have for the rights and wishes of the tax payer.

According to the Associated Press, an activist judge in Florida has unilaterally decided to enact a little state-sponsored animal abuse:

(AP) Leona Helmsley's dog isn't quite as well-heeled as she used to be. Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth has reduced the trust fund for the little dog, named Trouble, from $12 million to $2 million.

The remaining $10 million now goes to Helmsley's charitable foundation.

The 9-year-old Maltese lives in Florida with the general manager of the Helmsley Sandcastle Hotel. Helmsley died last August.

Now, isn’t it just like a liberal activist judge to take it upon themselves to decide what to do with someone else's money?

Consider this, this cruel judge has just taken away more than 80 percent of the money this poor dog uses to live on. The little bitch will now have to struggle though the rest of her life on a trust fund of only $2 million, rather than the $12 million her former owner and current Hell-dweller intended.

Do you think the puppy-hating judge gave even a moment's thought as to how Trouble is supposed to afford a new diamond-studded collar each month? And let me tell you, that gourmet Fancy Feast isn't cheap. And what about Trouble's entourage? I guess they're all out on the street now. Let's just hope they've all been spayed or neutered.

My friends, haven’t we gone too far? Do we really want to live in a country where the good judgment of a well-respected tax-avoider can be so easily overturned by one calloused dog-hating judge?

Remember, if it can happen to Trouble, it can happen to your pet.

tagged: money, Trouble, Leona Helmsley, activist judges, headlines, Fancy Feast

Media circle jerk continues

Here we go again.

Yes, Tim Russert died. Yes, it's a tragedy. Indeed, it's a dark day for America.

But to paraphrase Mark Antony, I come not to praise Tim Russert, but to bury him. I'm not a huge fan of Russert. I didn't ever really watch him and if you had asked be before a few hours ago what he looked like I would have only a vague idea.

It's not that I dislike him. It's just that it drives me crazy when people are fans of talking heads on TV.

Okay. He died. It's a damn shame that people have to die and my heart goes out to his family and friends. But you just know that there's a building tsunami of blog posts from people who only knew Russert as a face on a flatscreen.

But the worst of it will come tonight during the primetime news casts when every self-important news anchor will feel compelled to "say a few words" about their "friend and colleague" and what a supreme being he was because he was on TV.

There will probably be several video retrospectives with emotional background music as "we remember the life of our dear friend" and "all that he has contributed" as if, by virtue of him being on TV, his contributions are so much more valuable that the ordinary rank and file of America.

It has happened before and it will happen again, because the talking heads on the teevee love being the story more than telling the story.

tagged: death, Tim Russert, media, television

The Evil Prints

As some of you may be aware, I've been working for several years on an evil plan to take over the world.

If you're not aware of that now, don't worry, you soon will become painfully aware when I unleash my… oh, well, there will be time for that later (mwahahahhah, cough, er…). Anyway, I digress.

Typically I try to keep my evil secret plans, well, secret. Like the time I was able to insert a certain one of my minions into the head position of the ALL POWERFUL Kansas City Missouri Parks Board (and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky kids and that dog!)

But again I digress.

What I was going to say is that I had a HUGELY Evil victory at the office this morning, and uncharacteristically I wanted to share it with you so that you can bask with me in my supreme evilness.

It all started as I sat at my Evil computer monitor studying some Evil spreadsheets and Evil quarterly plans. There were a few documents that I need to evilly send to the shared printer that all of the cube dwellers on my floor share.

So, with an evil, maniacal laugh which surely would have sent shivers of fear down the spines of my unwitting cube neighbors had any of the slackers bothered to show up on time for work, I hit the print button (with much evilness).

I gave the computers and printers a minute or two to crunch through my evil print job. I then headed over to the printer to pick up the documents as they came out, lest anyone find them and discover my nefarious plot.

When I arrived at the printer, I discovered that some unfortunate soul had incurred my wrath by leaving their print job unattended. It had created a printer error and backed up the entire print queue for about an hour and a half.

My evil documents were all at the end of the long queue, which wasn't even moving because of the printer error created by user THX1138.

Now, you lame do-gooders would have tried to help out poor, pathetic THX1138. You would have tried to find the 11x17 paper that he foolishly tried to print his documents on and placed it in Paper Tray 3 and pressed “C” to continue the print job as the error message suggested.

But that’s not how we Evil geniuses roll.

Instead, I did something completely Evil. I pressed the “Cancel” button, consigning THX1183’s print job to the depths of oblivion, never to be seen again.

MHWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA.

But I wasn't finished yet. Only now will the entire population of office workers (who were trying to print documents to that printer) see the true power of my Evilocity!

Because next I went through the backed up print queue and found my print jobs and PROMOTED THEM to a higher priority than all of the jobs in front of me!

So my Evil documents came out before the documents of the sucky saps who sat by and did nothing about the printer error!

And behold! My Evil documents were printed and I went back to my Evil cube to continue my Evil day’s work so I could get back to my evening hobby of TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!

MHWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. AHHHHHAAHAHAHAA! HAAHAHHAAAAHAaaaaa.... (ouch, it hurts my throat when I laugh like that too much).

tagged: office, evil, printer, THX1138, Nazgul, Office Space, Sauron