Thursday, September 27, 2007

Obscene gesture

I almost feel bad to be a Kansan. I feel a little guilty about the role of my fellow Sunflower State residents for once again pulling the steel wool over so many Missourians.

I'm referring of course to all of the poor, duped Missouri-types who are sooooo outraged by recent obscenity indictments in Johnson County.

You Missouri types are so easy. Must be the school systems, or possibly the generations of in-breeding.

But I do have some friends in Missouri, which is why I feel a slight twinge of guilt about this. So at the risk of ruining the fun for my fellow Kansans, I'm going to 'splain this jig to our slow neighbors to the east.

Conventional Missouri "wisdumb" is reflected by comments like repressed, meddling, control-freak, Johnson County, Morality Gestapos really need to have someone pull the broomsticks out of your tight asses.
I can understand why someone with diminished mental capacity might feel this way about the story. On the surface, it appears that a bunch of prudes want to ruin the party for the rest of us by telling us what we can and can't buy.

But that's just on the surface. Hell, on the surface Brush Creek looks like it's NOT a conduit of raw sewage. But let's face it, Missourians aren't gifted at taking a deep look at an issue. Clay Chastain counted on this when he got them to vote for mass transit gondolas.

The thing is, you don't even have to look too deep into this obscenity indictments story to see what it's really about. It fact, it's written all over the newspapers and so-called local, so-called news TV stations.

But let me connect the dots for you anyway. With Halloween approaching and the economy in somewhat of a downturn, what better way to get publicity for your store than a controversial indictment?

According to my many inside sources, a secret cabal of Johnson County businessmen and political leaders hatched the scheme months ago. Using key sleeper agents planted at the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, the group was able to time the release of these indictments to coincide with a time when interest would already be high.

The group reasoned that an announcement that the stores are selling items that are too raunchy for public view would be sure to bring the depraved Missouri shoppers to Johnson County to spend their money.

And of course it worked like a charm. As soon as the story was released Missourians began to jump up and down in ape-like incredulity while driving their 1972 Pintos as fast as they could to Overland Park to buy Snake Charmers, Tricky Dicks and Country Lovin's.

So, once again, JoCo owns KCMO. And like I said, I do feel a little bit bad. To make up for it, I've got several hundred pairs of Billy Joel tickets. Anybody want one?

tagged: , , , , , ,


  1. You know, now that you mention it...Paul (ND!) had an urge to go to Priscilla's after he read the story.

    Very sneaky marketing, indeed.

    I feel so...unintelligent. I guess it could be blamed on KCMO school district, but I'm a Harvard grad (Harvard, Nebraska that is).

  2. I dont like the way you talk about depraved missourians. How do you explain the fact that Johnson County leads in Swinger parties and wife swapping not to mention the use of ecstasy and cocaine during these parties?
    As for your little insider friends. I hope there are more indictments on misuse of power and public funds.

  3. Misery-ans got so pwned!

  4. How did you know I used to own a '72 Pinto?

    Seriously...I did. Little green and white number with a sporty little sunroof.

    It was a BABE MAGNET!

  5. I would anticipate that the attorneys for these establishments will utilize the defense of "necessity." That is, it is a well known fact that our friends across the state line, from Olathe to Garden City, tend toward deep seated insecurities. Hence the popularity of "The Snake Charmer." Or "Little Bo Peep."

    We Missourians will content ourselves with Albert Pujols jerseys.



Your turn to riff...