Eyes only

I meant to write about this sooner, but what with Valentine's Day and VPs shooting people, I just haven't got around to it.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. My life, after nearly 25 years, will change dramatically.

I'm going in for eye surgery.

Chances are you know someone who has had laser eye surgery. Basically, they cut the lens off of your eyeball and use a laser to reshape it so that you can see again.

I can't tell you how excited I am. For the first time in ages I'll be able to see without some kind of optical prosthesis. I'll be able to see the soap and shampoo when I take a shower. When I'm at the swimming pool, I'll be able to use those goggles to look under water at the girlies' bathing suits. I won't have to worry about fumbling for my glasses if an intruder breaks into our house in the middle of the night. Oh joy!

My supermodel wife keeps telling me how nervous she is. She's afraid there will be some malfunction with the laser which will result in me having a one inch hole burned through my head. But the way I see it (currently through my coke bottle glasses), if we've learned anything from movies like Logan's Run, Goldfinger and Star Wars, medical procedures involving lasers rarely go wrong.

And if they do, you can get a neato bionic limb out of the deal.
tagged:eye surgery, laser, lasik, Logan's Run, Goldfinger, Star Wars

Death by Cheney

A friend just emailed this image to me, and in the finest of Internet traditions, I'm passing it along even though it's in extremely poor taste.


tagged:Dick Cheney, Dick Cheney, hunting, accident, shotgun, vice president, death, politics, humor

In response to Dan

I've enjoyed reading Gone Mild for some time now. Sometimes Dan almost makes sense, and I get the feeling he's just about smart enough to become a moderate.

But Dan, I'm not sure I agree with the conclusion you draw in your final paragraph of today's post regarding the whole Cheney shooting boondoggle.

I understand the release of information was delayed, but isn’t that pretty standard procedure in a situation where there might be a fatality?

I'm pretty sure that when, say, someone is shot in, say, east Kansas City, the police wait to notify next of kin, etc. If you accidentally shot someone in the face while out in the middle of nowhere, and maybe you thought you killed a good friend, wouldn't your main concern be to get them to a hospital and notify their family? If that person were of some notoriety, wouldn't you want to try to limit the "media circus" at the hospital for the family's sake?

I'm not trying to apologize for the VP, but I don’t really think the delay of a day or so in this situation was malicious or malevolent. I mean, it sounds like you’re trying to make Cheney out to be another Ted Kennedy, which is a low blow.
tagged: tax, Dick Cheney, Dick Cheney, hunting, accident, shotgun, vice president, Ted Kennedy, Kennedy, Chappaquiddick, politics, liberal

What a Dick

There's been a lot of hoo-ha made about the "Dick Cheney Hunting Accident" – especially in the blogosphere.

I think I've shown a great deal of restraint in not taking the easy way out and writing a post about such an obvious and meaningless topic. Some people, including this guy, are using the situation to try to score political points, noting that Cheney is one of only two VPOUS's to shoot a guy while in office (here's a quick quiz question, how many VPs have shot a guy while not in office? The answer might surprise you).

They try to draw a line from this incident to a "shoot-first-ask-questions-later" philosophy that they think the administration has. But I think, from a liberal's perspective, the paranoia should be focused in another direction.

If I were a paranoid, foil hat-wearing, knee-jerk type of Liberal trying to drum up anti-administration sentiment (I know, that’s a really tough assignment these days), I'd be playing the distraction card. As in, "Cheney intentionally shot the guy in order to create a media distraction."

I mean, you have to admit that in the few days since The Shooting, there has been relatively little media attention paid to things like Domestic Spying, Oil Prices, elections, taxes (except by me), hurricanes, Karl Rove, fundraising and the Winter Olympics.

Well, okay, nobody pays attention to that last one anyway.
tagged: tax, Dick Cheney, Dick Cheney, hunting, accident, shotgun, vice president, Olympics, politics, liberal

Happy VD!!

Best wishes to my reader.
tagged: Valentine, Valentine's Day, The Office, holiday, humor

Harpooning a loophole

My supermodel wife and I were working on the 2005 tax return this weekend. The mere mention of the "T" word makes me shudder with nausea.

Most of the year, unless I'm drawn into a political discussion, I can exercise some mental gymnastics to at least convince myself not to think about all the money that I earn that the government takes from me to spend on things like buying cigarettes for homeless people or fighting wars against poverty, terrorism, drugs, hurricanes, wildfires, ozone, or whatever the cause du jour is.

But during tax time, I have to face it. The figures and dollar signs are all right there in black and white in triplicate. I have a theory that per-capita alcohol consumption increases during this time of year, and it's not because of the Super Bowl.

Luckily, I think I've found a loophole. All I have to do is change professions. As I was googling for information regarding the limits and processes for deductions on charitable contributions of property, I ran across this little chestnut in IRS Publication 526.

"Expenses of Whaling Captains

Beginning in 2005, you may be able to deduct as a charitable contribution the reasonable and necessary whaling expenses paid during the year in carrying out sanctioned whaling activities."

That's right. All I have to do is become a Whaling Captain, and I'll be able to deduct pretty much all of the "reasonable and necessary" expenses of doing my job.

Now, granted, it might be difficult to find a lot of whales in Kansas. I mean, the Missouri River and Tuttle Creek Reservoir are the largest bodies of water (not counting the Ogollala, which is drying up anyway.) But I didn't read in IRS Publication 526 that you had to be a successful whaling captain.

For once the government has passed a tax law that helps me.
tagged: tax, taxes, IRS, deduction, Kansas, whaling, government, humor

Who is Roc Swizec?

So I'm taking a leisurely amble through the recent server logs for this blog (that's right, I'm checking up on you), when I noticed a link from blogshares.com. Since, like George Bush and the NSA, I'm always trying to spy on everyone on the Internet, and also because I'm a little curious, I clicked the link to check it out.

Blogshares, it turns out, is a derivative of the fantasy stock market game -- using blogs as the "companies" traded. So when you submit your blog, there are a number of shares and the shares are assigned a market value based on quality of and demand for such shares.

I know, I don' really understand the stock market either.

But I was surprised to find the shares for Three O'Clock in the Morning fetching an impressive B$19.24 each (B$= "blog" dollars, duh).

Not only that, but the market valuation for this blog came in at a whopping B$3,180.84, a small number now, but just take a look at the growth curve. And according to the Blogshares analyst (whoever that is) my blog "is a growing blog (BUY)" and my "stock is underpriced (BUY)"

But whom do I have to thank for this. Well, the only person to "buy" stock in my blog is the enigmatic Roc Swizec. Very little is known about Mr. Swizec. He seems to be a very mysterious figure. I only hope he isn't involved with some kind of nefarious underground blog crime ring.

But if he is, maybe he can help be convert some of this B$ into real cannolis (as Tony Soprano would say).

tagged: blogshares, stock market, blog, humor

Roeland Row

It looks like the city council in Roeland Park is taking diplomacy lessons from the Jackson County Legislature.

According to intrepid reporter Michelle Burhenn, discussion at a recent council meeting devolved in the end into petty bickering and name calling.

The mayor accused one of the council members of misuse of a credit card, the council blasted the mayor for appointing himself to a meaningless historical committee, blah blah blah.

The only thing missing was a fistfight, which I guess shows that Johnson County is still much more civilized than KCMO.

tagged: Roeland Park, Kansas, City Council, politics, government, civility, Humor

Priorities

A friend and fellow KSU alumnus sent this story to me. I don't know whether it's true, but if it is, it represents a set of priorities that is in short supply in the world of athletics. Are there any K-State fans out there who can confirm this? Ron Prince came to KSU from the University of Virginia. Any insight from that community?

"A young boy was throwing a football around with his older brother after school at the end of January. The little boy loved football and K-State. The family are also huge K-State fans.

While the little boy was running for the football that his older brother had thrown, he fell on a hard service and severely injured his neck/throat on the school sign. His older brother carried him into the school to receive help. On the way to the hospital the little boy died.

With Halstead being such a small community everyone was crushed. So the counselor of the school emailed K-State the day before funeral service to tell them what happened and I guess was hoping to get a card or something for the older brother.

Obviously he was extremely upset. The morning of the funeral the counselor gets an email from Ron Prince asking what time the service is. She replies that it's that morning only only two hours from then.
Fifteen minutes into the funeral service Coach Prince walked in. He stayed afterwards to talk with the family and the older brother who was obviously taking it very hard.

Needless to say the town was amazed by this. The principle who is a huge KU fan (named his dog Jayhawk) was taken back by this and said he probably do something he swore he'd never do - start cheering for K-State.

This is a true story, but the funeral was in Newton and the boy and his family were from Halstead, KS. The only thing that makes this story even more impressive about Coach Prince is that this funeral was the morning before Signing Day and thus, the final day to sign recruits for the 2006 season.

Coach Prince got in his car and drove directly to the funeral as soon as the school counselor returned his call last Tuesday morning. Coach Prince said it was one of the most difficult things he has ever witnessed (a funeral for a young child) and that HE was buoyed by the strength of the boys' family. The 12 year-old boy who died has an older sister who is enrolled at KSU."

tagged: football, death, K-State, Kansas, KSU, Ron Prince, University of Virginia, UVA

Razors edges

My grandmother is 94 years old. Almost a century.

She's seen America blossom from an agrarian upstart to a techno-superpower. From the nascence of flight to the moon landing, the splitting of the atom and the printed circuit, her life has born witness to technological advances that would seem like miracles just 200 years ago.

And, as of Sunday night, I witnessed the unveiling of one of those advances as well.

Fusion.

No, not nuclear fusion. Rather, the new Fusion razor from Gillette. This astounding advance in shaving technology was launched with a Super Bowl ad that was glitzy enough to send metrosexual men everywhere into a twitter.

The new device one-ups the four-bladed battery-powered Schick Quattro by adding an additional cutting blade, as well as a computer-controlled battery-powered vibrating motor. What will they think of next (lemme guess, six blades)?

But this latest escalation of the blade wars gave me pause to ask myself: Just because we can develop a five-bladed razor, should we?

I remember when I was a young lad and first began to grow fuzz on my chin, I was content to use a single-bladed razor. Then, when Gillette launched the radical new two bladed Sensor, I became hooked on the $5-dollar blade refills. It truly did seem to give me a closer shave.

But five blades!?!? Do we really know what we're getting into? I mean, where will it all end? How can we be sure this five-bladed technology will be used for good instead of evil.

I seriously think it's time to rethink our national addiction to multi-bladed, computer-chip-controlled vibrating razors. We have to think of the future. What kind of clean-shaven world do we want to leave for our children and grandchildren?

I hereby call for the government to step in and regulate the development of multi-bladed razors as well as the research into other advanced hair removal technology. Please join me by writing to your senators and congressmen (don't bother with the congresswomen), to insist upon the establishment of an independent committee to study the issue.

tagged: media, Super Bowl, razor, Fusion, blade, technology, metrosexual, humor