I'm Number 1!

I have no reason to be pissed about scoring a perfect 100% on this quiz about Tom Hanks' movie career.

All those other quizzes I sucked at are just water flowing under a bridge. I admit I was a little daunted at first, but I didn't turn yellow. I just went with the flow, since I didn't want to flush away this opportunity to show what a whiz I can be.

Go and try it yourself (ladies, feel free to sit down). I'm not going to leak any of the answers to you. If you can't get at least a few of these right, urine trouble. But by all means, like Tom Hanks, you should five pees a chance.

tagged: humor, movie quiz, Tom Hanks, pop culture

Headlines: Condom nation

Condom applicator wins design award

Design gurus in South Africa have declared the Pronto condom applicator the "the Most Beautiful Object in South Africa."

I look at that thing (you can see a video demonstration here) and I think (now this could just be me) that it looks waaaaaay too small.

tagged: condom, applicator, South Africa, Pronto

No more wedgies

I may have mentioned this before, but I think it bears repeating.

The "wedge salad" is the most ridiculous culinary fraud ever perpetrated upon the American dining public.

I mean come on people! This isn't a salad! It's a chunk of lettuce with possibly some peppers thrown in for color. Have we become so lazy that we can't chop up the lettuce? Are we so lacking in creativity that we can't toss on a couple of cherry tomatoes or cucumbers? This is like giving someone a loaf of bread and calling it a sandwich.

How have we let our democracy get to the point where a quarter-head of lettuce is considered a salad. That's not the America I know.

Hell, that's not even Mexico.

tagged: food, lettuce, salad, fraud, culture, cusine

YouTube Tuesday: Sun, Sun, Sun... Here it comes.

I'm taking this moment to declare that Spring has officially sprung.

Weatherwise, last weekend was amazing. And even though we're seeing slightly cooler temps today, I'll still take sunny and 55 over cold and wet anytime.

Don't get me wrong, I was pleased with the nice soaking showers we had last week. It's good to have something like that to wash away the winter grime. But in a lot of ways it has been a long, cold, lonely winter. And days like yesterday just make me want to skip work and sit on the roof and O'Dowd's with a Boulevard and the NCAA tournament.

But what do I have to thank for this springtime pleasantness? Everybody's favorite celestial body, The Sun.

Today's video is a reminder that the sun isn't just a big magical firey god to which we need to continue our monthly human sacrifices. Though it is that, it is so much more.



tagged: movie, YouTube, video, religion, God, science, weather, music, They Might Be Giants

The very model of a modern hypocritical

I know I'm about a week late with this story, but based on recent events I can see that I have greatly underestimated the new Democratic congressional majority.

I posted earlier that the "new boss is the same as the old boss" regarding the new political majority.

But I figured it would take more than three months for the Democratic hypocrisy drive to hit warp 10.

We've seen the House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi renege on promises of bipartisanship by denying Republicans a vote on their proposals during congressional debates. And remember those 5-day congressional work weeks she promised? Yeah.. not so much. They've only had one so far.

(Of course there's Al Gore's use of private jets and his exorbitant electric bills while he tells us all to conserve energy. But that's more of a general hypocrisy since he's no longer in the Senate.)

Then we come to the great Democratic promise to make this "the most ethical Congress in history." And how do they accomplish this? By giving Rep. William Jefferson, D-Louisiana, a seat on the House Homeland Security Committee.

Jefferson is entangled in a federal bribery investigation related to his dealings with a telecommunications company. Federal investigators found $90,000 in cash in his freezer in 2005 after Jefferson allegedly accepted a $100,000 bribe from an FBI informant.

Contrast this with the news of Republican Congressman Bob Ney, who resigned last November after pleading guilty to using his political post for personal gain. He's now in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison with former Survivor star Richard Hatch.

As the abuses keep coming, it seems the best that Pelosiites can do is play the "it's our turn" card, saying that since the Republicans did it for the past six years, now the Democrats can.

Like I said, meet the new boss.

PS - I forgot to add that this is just further evidence for my theory that Liberal politicians are not only arrogant and pretentious, but hypocritical as well.

tagged: politics, Pelosi, William Jefferson, Democrats, Republicans, Al Gore, hypocrites, Survivor, Richard Hatch

Friday Blogthing: I am cool

I give my parents all the credit for this.

You Will Be Are a Cool Parent

You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need. You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law. While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top. You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!

Would You Be a Cool Parent?

tagged: parent, parenting, children, kids, meme, quiz

Visual verification

Hey, over the past couple of days I've been having trouble with the visual verification feature on some Blogger blogs.

This issue arises when I want to post a comment. Many bloggers (myself included) use the feature where you have to type in a series of random letters to prove that you're a real person and not a spambot.

Well, on some blogs (XO's and Cara's lately) there's a place to enter the letters, but no letters are displayed.

My question is, has anyone else experienced this? Is this just a problem with my browsers (I'm using Firefox on bot PC and Mac)? Have I contracted some kind of weird, highly selective eye disease?

tagged: blog, Blogger, spam, visual verification

Falling China Star

Life is full of questions that don't have easy or concrete answers.

Why do bad things happen to good people? What's the square root of -1? Is this coffee regular or decaf? Do these jeans make me look fat?

But there are some questions to which the answer is indisputable, where all of the evidence points to a final undeniable truth. For example, when my Supermodel wife asked me last night if I thought our daughter had food poisoning, it didn't take a Magic 8 Ball to see that all signs pointed to yes.

What were the signs?

There was the large pool of puke that I had just finished cleaning up about 30-minutes before my Supermodel Wife returned from a well-deserved night out with the girls.

There was the three sets of vomit-stained sheets currently going through the laundry, along with Domino, the loyal stuffed lion who is king of the plush toys jungle that is our daughter's room.

Not to mention the shart-stained pants and continuing dry heaves that kept us up until 3:30 this morning.

The evening had started out so well. With mom out for the night, I offered to take the kid to her favorite restaurant, the China Star buffet at 95th and Metcalf. She was excited. She had her favorite foods, green and red jello, peaches, sweet and sour chicken with rice noodles, and of course soft serve ice cream to top it all off.

Who knows which food item held the poisonous bacterium that would cause havoc in her digestive system for the next eight hours. Hell, it could have been the plates or forks or spoons. It really makes no difference.

My Supermodel wife wanted me to call the restaurant (China Star buffet at 95th and Metcalf) to complain. But what's the point? I blame myself actually.

I mean let's face it, when you go to buffet like that you're consuming food that is sitting out in warm pans for who knows how long. Dozens if not scores of people are walking by the very morsels you'll put in your mouth, spreading their germs. Getting sick should pretty much be expected, even though China Star buffet at 95th and Metcalf seems like a fairly clean place by buffet standards.

Anyway, I'm not planning on suing or anything. I figure now that I know the dangers of eating at China Star buffet at 95th and Metcalf, I and my loved ones can avoid that particular establishment. We can choose a cleaner, more hygienic place to dine (like in the tepid water under the Broadway Bridge for example).

Suffice it to say that China Star buffet at 95th and Metcalf is now a former favorite restaurant.

tagged: food poisoning, Chinese food, China Star buffet, puke, vomit, Magic 8 Ball, sick

I like girls bhay-gn-flay-vn... or "Oh Dear, I've been RE-DORKULATED!"

In a stunning feat of stating the obvious, the Chicago Tribune recently reported that women are a mystery to scientists.

A group of white lab-coated, bad haircut, soda-bottle glasses-wearing Poindexters converged on Chicago last week to try to figure out why they can't get dates.

A clue to the conundrum might be in the last sentence of this quote from the Tribune's story (emphasis added by me)

Researchers presenting their findings at the society's sixth annual meeting are still trying to figure out which hormones and neurotransmitters make sexual arousal possible, where in the brain orgasm takes place, and which nerves control the genital organs. Much of their work is being done in rats.

Now, if these guys had spent more time at the junior high dances and less time playing Dungeons&Dragons, they might realize (like the rest of us lady magnets do) that the way to turn on the honeys isn't by poking nerve endings with syringes full of weirdo chemicals (okay, that does work for some of the ladies), but by growing a bushy mustache and drinking Colt45.

tagged: science, women, sexual arousal, news, orgasm, genital organs

Inconvenient indeed

I don't watch the Oscars. I consider the whole affair a mass masturbatory event for the entertainment industry.

All the same, when I saw that AlGore's An Inconvenient Truth had won the Oscar for Best Documentary, I wanted to offer a hearty congratulations to AlGore and the film's director Davis Guggenheim.

But the Tennessee Center for Policy Research has nominated AlGore for an award for great achievements in hypocrisy.

After pouring over records from the Nashville Electric Service, the group found that AlGore's palatial Nashville mansion uses twice the electricity in one month than the typical household uses in an entire year.

Gore’s mansion, located in the posh Belle Meade area of Nashville, consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES).

In his documentary, the former Vice President calls on Americans to conserve energy by reducing electricity consumption at home.

The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh—more than 20 times the national average.

Last August alone, Gore burned through 22,619 kWh—guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of his energy consumption, Gore’s average monthly electric bill topped $1,359.

Since the release of An Inconvenient Truth, Gore’s energy consumption has increased from an average of 16,200 kWh per month in 2005, to 18,400 kWh per month in 2006.

Gore’s extravagant energy use does not stop at his electric bill. Natural gas bills for Gore’s mansion and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year.

This is just further evidence for my theory that Liberal politicians are not only arrogant and pretentious, but hypocritical as well.

tagged: politics, Al Gore, liberal, Inconvenient Truth, hypocrisy, Oscars, environmentalist