Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Blog Post of the Day: Guinness Lamentations

This story by Eolaí at Irish KC is the best post I've read in a long time.

Nice job, Eolaí, keeping up the Irish reputation for poetry, story telling and sardonic humor.
"...Nowadays neither statistic holds but worse is another statistic of a people drinking wine instead of beer. Back in the days of the transition from non-cold Guinness to stupidly-cold Guinness, wine was something that came off a boat and came in a box. And it was free of duty. Wine didn’t have a name; it was merely red or white much as your dog was a bitch and it didn’t matter if she was a springer spaniel. Because all wines were mongrels. Or at least we thought they were..."
Srsly. Go read it now. You won't be disappointed.

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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

YouTube Tuesday: Cane Toad

No special message in today's YouTube feature, just a pretty funny (and slightly disgusting) bit of Aussie animation I came across...



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Monday, March 03, 2008

And the science gets done

Well, we can finally put all the bloggy bluster behind us.

It sure was fun while it lasted, what with the more prudish parochially minded bloggers trumping up specious accusations and calling for boycotts and whatnot. Made for some fun back and fourth.

But thankfully there are more rational, curious science-minded people in the city (probably most of them from the Kansas side) as evidenced by the weekend sellout of the Bodies Revealed exhibit at Union Station.
The exhibit about the human body had 4,700 visitors from Friday through Sunday, bringing the number of tickets already sold to more than 22,000.
The pre-opening discussion about the educational exhibit probably didn't change any minds. Those who think the human body is grotesque probably still think so.

But I'm encouraged to know that at least one local blogger, none other that Tony himself, had a change of heart. Tony has finally come to the conclusion that the dead shouldn't be exploited without their consent.

This is a great evolutionary leap for Tony, who will no longer use posts about murder victims and the victims of fatal accidents (without their consent, of course) to try to increase his page views.

I just think it's super that this exhibit has already had such a positive effect on the community.

In honor of this achievement and to commemorate the exhibit itself, I think it's appropriate to play Jonathan Coulton's Still Alive.


This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: huge success
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science
We do what we must because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead
But there's no sense crying over every mistake
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake
And the science gets done and you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart and killed me
And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you
Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we're out of beta, we're releasing on time
So I'm glad I got burned, think of all the things we learned
For the people who are still alive


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Lost Tales of 3AM, Part II: Phone Home

The Midwest Express Boeing 717 was on its way down the tarmac, lining up for takeoff. I had already placed my stewardess in her original upright and locked position, and my carry-on luggage was safely placed under the seat in front of me.

As we lifted off out of KCI (MCI for those pilots out there), I went through the process of turning off and stowing all my portable electronic devices. That's when it hit me: I still need to turn off my phone. But where is my phone? Not in my shirt pocket. Not in my pants pocket. Not in any of the pockets of my coat.

Panic sets it. I left it at the boarding gate at the airport. Crap. I specifically remember using it to check messaging just before the final boarding call came. I must have set it down on the seat next to me while I packed up my Toshiba Tecra POS craptop that I'd been using for some last-minute emailing/porn surfing.

I flag down the flight attendant to see if there’s any chance of getting a message back to the gate. Unfortunately, we’re in the air and “out of range” so I’ll just have to wait until we land in New York.

So I’ve got two and a half hours to fret about my phone.

Now, you have to understand that I have a kick-ass phone. It’s wafer thin but still has a 2MB camera and enough processor power to allow me to watch TV, get Gmail, Google calendar and read all your blogs while waiting in line at the Korean massage parlor.

But still, what worries me most is the loss of all of the data and contacts I’ve collected over the past six years. If I have to get a new phone, it would be a pain in the ass to input the numbers to all of my business contacts, family, friends and lawyer/bondsman/bookie.

My first stop when I get to La Guardia is at Midwest gate. I explain the situation to the gate agent who looks at me like I just asked him to donate a kidney. With a great deal of effort, he somehow manages to pick up the phone and dial the Midwest gate in KC.

With a great deal of additional effort, he explains my situation to the party on the other end of the phone and then sets about the task of waiting on hold. I could tell by his increasingly labored breathing that he was having a difficult time staying on hold, and he finally hands me the receiver, allowing me to take over.

After a minute or two a voice answers from KC.

“I’m sorry but I haven’t been able to reach the gate agent that was working when you left. Can you give me a number to call in case your phone turns up?”

Defeated, I give her my Supermodel Wife’s cell phone number. At this point I know that I’ll probably never see the phone again.

I arrive at my hotel on Times Square. From my room I dial up the SMW to let her know that she might get a call from Midwest.

“Hey,” she says when she answers. “I just got a call from Midwest saying that they have your phone.”When I finish my happy dance, I ask my SMW to get me the number for my business associate, Angelina Jolie, who is scheduled to join me in NYC for a conference the next day.

“Hey Angelina Jolie, it’s Emawkc…”

“Hey Emawkc! Guess what… I have your phone!”
It turns out that while I was reading about Harry Potter’s wand (ewe) in SkyMall, one of my NYC business associates, Brad Pitt, had called my phone. The Midwest gate agent had answered and told Brad Pitt that my phone had been left at the gate mere minutes earlier.

This news set off an avalanche of email within my company which eventually ended in the in-box of Angelina Jolie, who was at KCI early enough to stop by the Lost And Found desk near baggage claim and pick up my phone for me.

So after all of the fretting, phone calling and emailing, all that was left for me to do was head up to the hotel lounge and sip Glenlivet while watching the activity on Times Square and waiting for my phone to arrive a few hours later.

I love it when things work out.

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Still here

Don't worry. I'm still here. Just been a little snowed under (metaphorically speaking) after a business trip last week.

I'll have a couple of posts about that, but in the meantime thanks to my regular reader(s) -- and especially you underwear perverts out there -- for keeping the traffic numbers up.

New post coming soon.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Inapropriate Secret

So I'm at Victoria's Secret buying underwear the other day... oh, wait, let me explain...

My Supermodel Wife and I are enjoying a week of reliving our DINK-hood while the kid's visiting grandparents for the week. Our Tuesday evening activity was a sushi dinner at the Sushi House in Leawood. After dinner the SMW wants to do a little shopping, and because I'm a helluva I guy, I agree to accompany her without complaining and stuff.

So she decides to go to the VS store to use up a gift card that some awesome guy gave her as part of a Christmas gift. Which brings us to the underwear shopping.

Now ladies, guys don't like shopping in general and they like underwear shopping even less, which shows you how swell of a husband I am that I was there with a good attitude and everything.

But let's face it, being a guy in a Victoria's Secret is a bit awkward. On the one hand, you don't want to look like you're stuck up and nervous because, hey, I'm a modern guy and I can go shopping in a lingerie store without questioning my masculinity.

On the other hand, you don't want to look like your having too good of a time, leering at the scantily dressed but well-proportioned mannequins and Lord help you if you accidentally look at one of the other lady shoppers the wrong way.

Anyway, I started playing this game in my mind. I was trying to ease the tension by thinking of the most inappropriate things a guy could say in a Victoria's Secret store.

Here are a few that I came up with:
  • Isn't that bra way too big for her?
  • Aren't those underwear a little too small?
  • I'm just going to go hang out in the dressing room for a while.
  • Check out that mannequin, it must be cold in here.
  • Hey, all these underwear smell the same.
That's the best I could come up with. I'm sure some of you sickos can do better.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Flu Fighters



Yep, I've got it too.

I could see it coming a mile away. Three of the four cubes neighboring mind were all sick in the previous weeks. But like a damsel tied to the tracks in a Western melodrama, there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

Actually, I think I may have contracted it from The D. He comments here pretty frequently and I don't think he washes his hands before he uses his keyboard. Of course, he seems to be having a harder time with it. My symptoms aren't as severe.

I can only assume that's due to my superior genes with their Master Race antiviral abilities handed down by my German ancestors.

Anyway, I raise a glass of Nyquil and toast your health. Here's hoping you don't get sick.

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YouTube Tuesday: Paraphrase Theater presents

It's been a big week for the so-called entertainment so-called industry. The Oscars was earlier this week, and one of my all time favorite comedies, No Country for Old Men, took home some major awards.

So today's edition of YouTube Tuesday honors the lowest-rated Oscars in history with a reenactment of a classic scene from Star Wars as interpreted by Paraphrase Theater.



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Monday, February 25, 2008

Headline of the Day!!!

Worker Finds Bones In KCK Manhole

Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that Tony had something to do with this headline?

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Snow Giant

This gigantic snow man guarding Mission Road in Prairie Village is somewhat baffling and raises several questions:
Was the dust of snow we received Saturday night enough to build such a monstrosity? If not, how were the creators able to keep it from melting even a little in the week since we had snow? And how were they able to lift a three-foot diameter snow head to the nine-foot summit of the snow titan in the either case?

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